Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Why I Decided To Opt for Grief Counseling Early

You didn’t ask but I am telling because it may help someone today or someday. I have dealt with grief and usually I deal with it the same way. Shock or numbness, delayed tears, and then moving forward. Well, when my eldest brother passed five years ago it was different. When another brother passed last year unexpectedly, it was different. When my dad passed away this April, it’s been different. None of these three transitions to glory have had the chance to process completely and obviously the latter one of my dad because it’s so recent. But the other two because there was a continuation on my part of increasing duties as a caregiver for my dad in partnership with the brother who passed last March.

Our caregiving of dad and his continuous discover about the truth of our mom continued to be traumatizing for him. And then our dealings with her behavior at church and with our father took its toll on the both of us. We could really only talk to each other in depth and detail because the other siblings were/are in denial and dole out excuses. And when he died last March, in part of taking care of him in part, managing his funeral and family feuds with his “wife” and my dad, I was in purgatory or pure hell. Either accurately describes the situation. And now that dad has passed, I am still coming off caregiver mode, still recovering from caregiver burnout, and I still trying to figure out “who I am now”. So, what time to grieve?

It was only a few months ago a realized I finally faced the fact that I was avoiding grief, faced the fact I needed to grieve and to accept that I was never going to “get over it” but get better at dealing with it when feelings and memories came up. What made me opt for grief counseling sooner than later was I have watched grief from a distance and up close take over people’s lives. I have seen healthy processing, unhealthy processing, the loop of processings, and the outright defiance of “I will never stop grieving because I don’t want to forget or be happy even if ruins my relationship with others, my career, my life.” I decided to admit I don’t have anyone I can tell ALL that I think and feel to like others can come to me in confidence and confidentiality. I find myself limiting my thoughts and emotions. My therapist suggested grief counseling and it was confirmation that I would benefit from it.

I decided I didn’t want to drag this out until next year or three years later finding myself with unprocessed or improperly processing grief when I could have been better at dealing with whatever the unknown variables that may come my way if I didn’t. I’m 51 and I don’t want to waste anymore time improving my life on any level. I want good and healthy relationships. I want to live my life with GUSTO. I want to do what I want to do and I don’t want to have to carry around a 6 piece luggage set when I can only need a carry on. That is how I explained it to my daughter. I chose to do the thing I didn’t want to do, face the thing I don’t want to face first, so I can flow better as I move forward. With 3 deaths, it’s quite a bit to unpack and I need the help of a professional organizer of grief.

~Nikki