I accept the challenge to grow in this life. That being said it’s not always easy or simple. Apparently, it’s difficult letting God work out the LOGISTICS because I “secretly” am afraid that it won’t work out to my vision and what I hold deep in my heart. There…I said it. And I LOVE BEING HONEST WITH YOU ABOUT LIFE, THE JOURNEY, THE PROCESS. I have to share my struggles to encourage you, shed light, to free myself, and to…GROW and to help us. So this secret fear is rooted in FEAR itself and the lack of TRUST. FEAR of abandonment. Fear of making the wrong choice again. Trust God? Ok. Trust myself concerning this particular situation…uh given my track record, not so much. I’M GOING TO WORK THAT OUT TODAY. THAT’S A DEEPER WAY OF WORKING OUT YOUR OWN SALVATION (FREEDOM).
Affirmations to get me through the day (from my friend Alicia):
I’ve been reading this book, The Sacred Yes, and it’s one of those books you have to read a little at a time because it’s so mind rearranging, you must sit with it. In the book it talked about moving from the DESIRES of your HEART to INTENTIONS. This in it self is powerful because while desires give you visions to hold onto, the also can keep you wanting, longing, and yearning. When you move into intent, a determination to do your part to assist in the manifestation of your desire, or when you move to an attitude of “No matter what it looks like, no matter what is going on, it is going to happen.” then you began to generate energy on another level. Intent is action and attitude.
It took me a moment to grasp the concept of intentions in the area of love and relationships. I’m still tweaking it. But, that is not my biggest challenge. In the book, it says we get boggled down in the “how and when” of things. We even try to tell God, the Creator, the Universe how to do things and when to do it. I found myself guilty of this and surprising guilty of this when it comes to love and relationships. God is the one that handles the logistics of our desires and intentions. The logistics is the detailed coordination of a complex operation involving many people, facilities, or supplies. You can also say it’s the detailed coordination of a complex operation involving many things WE DON’T CONTROL.
Shouldn’t we be relieved to know that? I was. I also found myself wrestling with changing my ways of trying to control the logistics. I also found it difficult to change my attitude from “I see this and look at that! Oh no, it’s not going to happen. I must be wasting my time. No way after that situation am I in the right place or getting what I desire.” It’s been a challenge to stand in the face of something that looks nothing like progress or promise and say, “It doesn’t matter what it looks like, it will happen. It is happening.” I don’t know where the line of wisdom is at times but, I do know how to ask for wisdom. I have to check to see if it’s my intuition, Holy Spirit, or fear telling me what to do. How do I check? I become still. I pray. I meditate. I mess up. I learn. I ask for signs and directions. I look for signs, too. I also try not to read too much into things and just remind myself God is handling the logistics, I need only do what I am led to do and what I need to do. I don’t have to orchestrate anything. Whew, what a relief.
Went round for round yesterday with anxiety. I’ll have to admit it was a draw. I struggled all day trying to stabilize and to do things that needed to be done. Here’s something for us spiritual folks, if you have anxiety or depression God, the vast Universe, is intelligent enough to recognize your thorn (challenge) and compassionate enough, wise enough, providing grace and mercy to get you through these episodes. By whatever means. And sometimes it’s just your day to struggle. Clarity came at the end of the day. It wasn’t me. It wasn’t them. It simply (complex-ly) was anxiety. Today is a new day. Let’s work.
My thoughts from yesterday:
When does a breakthrough happen? After the the struggle. So if there is a struggle in the mind today, repeat: A breakthrough is coming.
If you are not clear in your mind, struggling in your mind, anxiety, uncertain: CLARITY IS COMING.
Voluntary Transparency: This morning I had to deal with some FALSE GUILT. I didn’t know it was false guilt at first, I was just feeling really bad about it. But I thank God for the tools in my toolbox. Some put there before birth. Some put there by life experiences. Some put there by spirituality and religion. Some put there by education. Some put there by a therapist. Why do I feel so bad about this? It must be wrong because I feel so bad about it. Why do I feel so bad about it? Man, I don’t feel like doing this. I have to make myself do this. No, no, I am not. I cannot. Ugg. Just do it anyway. Why do I feel so guilty for not wanting to do this??? This is so negative. “It’s bad Nicole. You are not a good Christian if you keep doing this. People can’t believe you have a problem doing “that”! Shame on you!” This is the dialogue I have with myself. Take the clothes out. Put the clothes up. Take the clothes out, look at the clock, put the clothes back.
Why do I feel so guilty? Wait. WHY DO I? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? This morning I received a text to come to church to so that I could help. I ignored it because I did not want to tell the person I did not want to come. I really wanted to tell them to stop asking me because it is not a pleasurable experience for me when it comes to a certain part of the service. I literally must prepare myself to go mentally, and I often lament over it the night before and the hours before. Pushing and dragging myself. Sitting through that segment of service is torture for me so why did I feel so guilty this morning for not responding and not going?
I listened to a TedTalk about authenticity. That helped a little bit. Then I turned to affirming myself: “I am not going to HELL for not attending church. It is okay not to support something or someone that I don’t believe is right. I can still love them but, not support them in wrongdoing. It does not mean that I do not believe in God. It means I have a strong dislike and distaste for falsehood and fakeness. It is a part of me no matter what or who perpetuates hypocrisy. I don’t expect perfection, I do expect truthfulness, honesty, and one that is truly trying to live the life they portray.”
I was trying to resist the guilt. The bad feeling. Until I remembered to listen to it. To explore it. To sit with it. To really think about why I was feeling it. I needed the source or sources. Guilt is a negative emotion or sad emotion. I came across this video that really confirmed what I was trying to do.
Why do I feel so guilty? I feel guilting because people say you should support your love one NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN if they are WRONG.
Where is this guilt coming from? We are taught not to tell people that we love they are wrong. We give them a pass because of their roles in our lives and we suffer under their continuation of wrongdoing. Yet, as Christians, we have scripture and an obligation to tell the ones we love when they are wrong regardless of their roles in our lives. We the freedom to not support something that we don’t like or believe in.
Should I feel guilty? Did I do something wrong? I should not feel guilty for something I have not done, or for someone or something I cannot control. I am not responsible for the actions of others. This is FALSE GUILT. I have not done anything wrong by not supporting this person in that area of their lives as it will compromise staying true to who I am and my beliefs.
What is it that I really feel bad about? I feel bad that they don’t love themselves enough to be okay with who they really are. I feel sad that they don’t know who they are, and they have to put on this cloak of falsehood. I feel embarrassed that they do not know that people are talking about them and that people can see straight through them. I feel bad that they have some people fooled. It is okay to feel sorry for that person, feel bad for them, but to also go on with my day, life, mission, and journey. Their life is not my life and it is between them and the Creator.
It is one thing to feel bad or sorry about a situation or a person but, it is another thing to carry false guilt! It’s an unnecessary weight we place on ourselves. It is a spirit that comes to us because we’ve been told how to feel about certain situations and things. We’ve been taught not to be loyal to the world and others that don’t look or think or feel or serve the same God we serve but, we have been taught to close our eyes to leaders that are not true, to parents that are doing wrong, to older siblings and family members even when what they say and do harm us and others.
It is okay to draw a line and to stand by it. It is okay if you stand alone. We can still meet at the dinner table. We can still spend time together. We can still live, laugh, and be merry but when it comes to that line it is one, I cannot cross. I cannot compromise my authenticity, my moral compass, to support something or someone I believe is wrong.
I like the peace on a Saturday or Sunday morning. The quietness. The lack of hustle and bustle. I like to ease into my day but, that doesn’t always happen on weekdays. Saturdays and Sundays I get to choose. I love a morning when the sun creeps into my room. Here at my new home, that is exactly how it seems to happen. I have shutters and the sun seeps through creating a patterns on the walls. But no matter the day, mornings are a blessing because they indicate we are still here on this side of the coin. Mornings are a blessing for many reasons and I am sure you can find some.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you! It’s a snowy morning here in Memphis, TN. and according to our southern-ness it will be a week where we will be snowed it. If we were up North this would be a regular work and school week.
All this week I have experience “pleasant surprises” from financial blessings unrelated to my chocolate strawberry hustle this week to coming home and finding flowers with Valentine’s Day Wishes.
There has been hustle and bustle in between. There has been restlessness and wanting to get it all done in a day. What I needed was all of the pleasant surprises to remind to stop, look, listen, breathe, and appreciate the gifts or blessings life offers in the midst of being busy. Everyone has been saying you can’t unpack in a day. You can’t do all of the home improvements and decorating in a day. It’s going to take time, they say. Life is saying through pleasant surprise, “Here you go. Enjoy this moment and put that other stuff down for a while. Organize. Say no. Relax. Rest. Sleep. And at a decent hour.” Pleasant surprises say you are being supported as I saw others support my chocolate covered strawberries that have never purchased them before. When I saw the flowers it was saying to me, “You are being thought of.” I haven’t received a Valentine’s gift outside of family in seven years.
I hope you take the time to enjoy the pleasant surprises that arrive in your life. I mean to really slow down and savor them.
Good Morning friends! I have been busy busy as I closed on my home two weeks ago. It was indeed a rocky journey that finally ended with a blessing. The home that is now filled with boxes and bags that need to be unpacked, is a home that I grew up next to. It is the home of family friends.
So, I got a call in July with Mrs. Dorothy asking me if I wanted to buy their home. She was moving back home to get the help she needed from family to take care of her sister. I’d just finished working on my credit to get it in fair standing. I thought it would be difficult but, I had no idea the turmoil that would unfold for the both of us trying to get this house into my hands. I cried. I gave up several times verbally but, never gave up mentally. My faith was tested is an understatement. However, something inside of me kept saying “This is mine. This belongs to me.”
My anxiety reached new heights. My depression, new lows. Yet, I persevered. I let go when I needed to let go and I held on when I needed to hold on. AND I didn’t always get that right either! I had family and friends that encouraged me along the way. It seems as if they never gave up. They kept saying it’s yours. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to work out. It did. I couldn’t really celebrate on closing day because so many things had happened along the way I was bracing myself for another “We need this or that”.
While I was at the closing, the closing attorney asked if I would like a new Bible for my new home and I said yes. Also, I was gifted $100 that day. My realtor gave me a card at the end of my signing and when I opened it a $50 Home Depot card fell out. I was able to use this money to buy paint for my kitchen area, laundry room, hallway, and my daughter’s room. I am on a very tight budget and wanted to brighten up the home. It was truly a blessing. Plus, my brother painted it for me.
I will be blogging more about this journey soon. Until then, take care.
My word for February is FAITH. I feel that it’s not so much about me having it but, about me USING IT! Last month my word was QUIET. I learned to listen to people and to be quiet. I learned to be quiet about things that were out of my control. I simply prayed about it as the solution. I learned to be quiet when I wanted to convince a person they didn’t have to put up with what they were dealing with if they would set boundaries. I realize they have chosen to deal with it in their own way. It is what it is. Be quiet and pray about it, Nicole. I told myself. It’s not your circus and they are not your monkeys. You are not the Ring Master.
So, I got my word by listening to Spirit. You can get your word by sitting quiet, reflect, and listen. It will come to you. I thought quiet was strange but, I rolled with it. Accept the word that come to you and roll with it. Why faith for me? I know I don’t use it properly in all of the areas of life that I should. The type of manifestation I want to see in my life this year is going to require FAITH WITH WORKS. It’s going to require BIG RISK TAKING FAITH. It’s going to take DETAILED and STRATEGIC planning FAITH. I’m must adapt the JUST DO IT and YES, YOU CAN attitude this month. I know I will be glad I did in the end.
What’s your WORD? Think on it. Share with me if you so desire.