Baby, you’ve got it. You’ve got what it takes to become the best version of yourself and to achieve your goals and dreams. Stop looking at other people’s journey and bank accounts. Focus on the gifts inside of you and stop trying to emulate someone else! Become bold and do the work to find your authentic self and gather the courage to live out your dreams. You are capable! Now cape up!
Before the fly decided to take a swim…it didn’t make it.
The other night I had anxiety which led to me being up later than usual. After I took something for anxiety, I listened to a guided meditation and then I drifted off to sleep. I recall right before I drifted off to sleep, I began to silently TALK BACK to anxiety. To the thoughts in my mind. “It’s alright, Nicole. Everything will work out for your good. Anxiety is such a liar. You are so blessed. You actually manifested this home and it was a grueling process but, you made it. You can even dream of another home. You will find love and love will find you. Does it really matter when it shows up? It will show up. Anxiety knows nothing but negativity. Money is not a problem. Books will become best sellers. You can do it. If they can write books back to back you can, too. The right people will read your books. You are loved. God loves you and cares about your wants, desires, needs.”
And somewhere afterwards I feel asleep. The next few days I thought about how anxiety talks a lot of trash. You know like athletes do when they are in a game. You do not want to hear some of the things they say. Growing up with a few athletic siblings, the things you hear courtside is not for the “saints”. Some of the things football players say on the field…
Well, that is how anxiety is. It’s talks TRASH. It gets you riled up and sometimes it gets you to become overwhelmed or afraid. Some of us go into shut down mode and some of us become agitated. But, once it was brought to my attention that anxiety talks trash, I thought about how the other player usually talks trash back. I didn’t want to talk trash so I decided to call it “Talking TRUTH and FACTS” back. I call it talking HOPE.
The next time anxiety begins to talk trash, talk truth, facts, and hope.
It’s a fact I am 40 something and I haven’t found love. It’s also a fact that I can still find love.
I don’t know how it’s going to work out but, God always works it out. Let me tell you about some times it worked out for me…
And so on and so forth. This is just one method I am learning to use when anxiety wants to talk to me. I hope it helps someone else.
Every month I will be sharing my lessons, reminders, and observations of the previous month. So it’s October and here is what I have gained or gleamed from September.
You can accept people as they are BUT, you DO NOT have to accept them into your physical space or your heart space.
You don’t have to always choose the hard way to learn or to love.
There is a time for everything. There is a time not to trust your logic or heart (emotions) but, to trust your intuition. This is the time to trust your intuition. Solar plexus. Quiet the heart and logic through prayer and meditation. Through exercise. Your intuition, the Holy Spirit, your holy spirit, will speak. This is ONE way to GAIN CLARITY. (I was desperate for clarity!)
Another way to CLARITY is to catch a hawks point of view. My daughter and I saw a Cooper’s Hawk at eyelevel which is rare. Rise above your feelings and thoughts and observe what you see. Above the confusion, above the chaos, is a view that allows you to sort things out QUIETLY and to gain…CLARITY. Be calm like the hawk. Be reserved. Be in control of YOU, your actions and reactions.
From a friend of mine, “There is a difference between an Alpha male and a Neanderthal.” If your definition of an alpha male is one that is one that is the leader of the pack, dominant, controlling, bossy, rude, pushy…I am not the one for you. I am in the market for a team player. Side by side. Go play golf.
I learned that I can manufacture confidence on the spot.
Let love come to me in it’s own time and in it’s own way. Anything I ever had too soon or too much of only made me ill.
Reminder: When you FEEL like you need to pray but, don’t know what to say, ask Spirit to pray for you and just be quiet. Be still. Just feel. Spirit will pray and you will receive what it is you cannot put into words.
Let’s start at the beginning. I booked this tour/adventure for my family and thought nothing about it until the date drew closer. I begin to become afraid of getting on the water in a tiki boat because I can not swim. I have been on three cruises. I still have some fear and I rationalized that as normal. Ok. No problem. I am still getting on the boat I tell myself.
I get on the boat and immediately, fear rises and changes into anxiety. I am now gripping the bar and I am having second, third, fourth, thousands of thoughts. I feel like I can’t breathe. I tell my fiend. I am scared! He says, “It’s ok. Just breathe. Nothing is going to happen.” I am thinking, “How many people have thought or said that and something happened.” I laid my head on the bar. The Captain wanted to know who all could swim and I was the only one that couldn’t. I looked at my friend and he said, “I am not going to let anything happen to you. I gotcha. Try to relax and enjoy.” The Captain saw my fear and begin to tell me his credentials and then he started to explain the physics of how this type of boat works. With the combination of trust in my friend and the captain, trust in God, the logic of how this boat floats, and comforting words (Oh yeah and downing a glass of pineapple sangria!) I started to relax.
I begin to talk to myself silently, “All is well. IF something happens you will not die. All of these people can swim and they will help you. The coastguard is literally in the water. It’s not your time. This is not how you will go and you know this. God is not going to let anything happen to you. Breathe. Look at the beautiful water all around you. Look at the clear blue skies. Feel the breeze. Soak up the sun and moment of this experience. And have a shot of vodka. :-D! ” Hey, my wine was all gone. After this photo was snapped, I thought about if I should post it. I look so confident but, I didn’t start out that way. I also thought about HOW I LOOKED IN THIS PHOTO. I am not a slim chic. I am who I am and I do love myself and my body. (I worked hard to get there) But most of us, even men, have some body insecurities. I saw the double chin. I saw the big boobs. I saw the mid section. I saw the lack of “junk in the trunk”. All of the things that cross between “WHITE AMERICAN BEAUTY” and “MY CULTURE’S DEFINITION” of beauty. This only lasted a split second because I was like, “The hell away with people. I love me!” Pic posted!
For some confidence is a given and for others we have to work at it. Confidence is built through experience. There are times you get to whip out your confidence on the spot and then there are times it has to be manufactured on the spot. The tools I was searching for in that moment seem to escape me. My fear of drowning swallowed up my confidence. TRUST is what I was searching for. LOGIC is what I was searching for. A PLAN for SAFETY is what I was searching for. When those things were presented to me I had to accept those tools. Then I had to use those tools to dig my way out of anxiety and an impeding anxiety attack. I did just that. It was difficult and it had to be done quickly.
I enjoyed the tour. I partied. I learned a few things about the area. I made memories with family. I did something new. I conquered a fear and silenced anxiety that day. Victory.
Friday I decided to have a really good cheeseburger and fries combo with a diet coke for a late lunch. This was suppose to be it until dinner with the exception of a 15g snack. After the meal I was still thirsty. I was still a little hungry. That’s not a problem because I could have chosen something else to eat but, it needed to be healthy. I didn’t do that. I CHOSE some corn chips and a bottle of ginger green tea. That bottle of ginger green tea has a serving for 3 and guess what? I drank it all!!!
I am diabetic. In about an hour I began to feel really bad. I checked my blood sugar and WHOA! I’d never seen it that high before! I didn’t panic. I knew what to do. But boy, was I miserable for the next few hours. I admit I also had too many corn chips…and dip. WHY DID I DO THIS?
You may say it was a lack of self control. I think that’s a part of the puzzle. However, I took a closer look and I examined how I was feeling. I was feeling anxious. I was thinking about the vacation I had coming up and if things would be go well. I was thinking about the guy I am dating and if I’d made the wrong choice inviting him along.
I also wanted those chips and I wanted all of the tea. It was a deliberate choice and decision. I kind of felt like I deserved to have it. I mean after all, my thoughts at that time were on “Why can’t I have what I want in this life? I want what I want now. It’s taking so long to get there.” And so and so forth. FOOD can sometimes be a way to achieve the satisfaction you are lacking at times in life. I wanted to feel satisfaction that I was making the right decisions and that all was going to work out. I went the quick but, temporary route. I took a short cut with consequences.
Take a look at what happens when you have what you want TOO SOON or TOO MUCH? It can make you ill. It can be a disaster. It can not last. In life, we want what we want, and we often want it now. We may feel we have waited long enough and we deserve it. This type of thinking can lead us to make rash decisions and choices. It will lead to frustration and ultimately come to an end. If only I would have had the proper portion at that time. If only I would have gotten control of my emotions or thoughts and then I would have had control of my ACTIONS (DECISIONS). I would have been in a better frame of mind.
I don’t know what it is you want. I don’t know if you are tired of waiting on it to manifest. I don’t know if you don’t have the drive to make it happen and the proper patience as it happens. I don’t know if you are worried or have anxious thoughts. I do know that having what you want when it’s not time for it is not a good thing. I also know that too much of something, that you do want, could become a problem. And we circle back around to TIMING, BALANCE, PRAYER and PATIENCE. But might I add for those of us that struggle with anxiety, PAUSE and ask, WHAT AM I FEELING? WHY? and answer HONESTLY. Then do what you need to do to calm those thoughts and feelings in the least destructive way. Seek out therapeutic methods like exercise, something creative, something relaxing that won’t have a negative impact on you later.
My spirit will not let up on “clarity”. It is calling me into clarity as of late August and into September. I have learned to NOT ignore this. So, I dive in wholeheartedly with most pulls of my spirit by the Spirit. Although, sometimes, I must admit I unwillingly give in.
Get quiet. Meditate.
Pay attention to the SIGNS. If you are a person like me that loves “signs and wonders” and is interested in symbolism (these things are Biblical as well FYI), then PAY ATTENTION to what stands out to you. I saw a Cooper’s Hawk perched on my neighbor’s mailbox in direct sight. We’ll talk about that Sunday but, look up what things mean that capture your attention.
In this journey of clarity, clouds will roll away and clouds will roll back in like the weather pattern. When Spirit dropped this in my Spirit, I was like “Oh, no. How long will this journey last?” Let’s get this over with is my thoughts. But, Spirit explained by bringing into my remembrance that this is LIFE and this CLARITY leg of the journey is to prepare me to SEE and understand better myself and others. So, when clouds, the cloudy mental moments come, I will understand where the confusion, anxiety, or depression is coming from. I will be able to navigate the mental fog BETTER. So this is TRAINING is necessary for my growth and my journey. Still, “ugh. okay.”
The process of clarity are keys to clarity. What’s the process? Well, you will find your process through therapy, hearing directly from Spirit, or GOOGLE. Yes, really. Google Gaining clarity and what resonates with you, go for it. For me thus far, it’s to get quiet. Guided meditation on clarity. PRAYER and after prayer, LISTEN for a response and be AWARE of any SIGNS sent my way. Also, do something I love or something that brings me joy and peace while I wait for the “clouds to roll away.”
And PATIENCE is required in the clarity process. I used to tell people, “I only have patience with the elderly and children.” I am much better NOW and getting better with being patient with others and myself. So, you will have to be patient as the cloudiness rolls to clarity.
Clarity gives insight to YOU, the situation, the people involved and helps you to construct a plan or a response. It’s your next move. Even if that move is to do nothing or let it go.
This is all I have learned in this “Clarity Course” so far. I am currently putting some of these things into practice.
What have you learned about clarity? How do you access clarity when your mind is cloudy or there is confusion in your life?
“In all your ways (decisions, steps, actions) acknowledge Him (see if what you are about to do is alignment with God, Higher Power, the Universe, Your True SPIRIT) and He shall direct (guide you) YOUR path.” – Proverbs 3:6, The Bible
Intuition can be described as a “knowing” or a “feeling”. Sometimes you “just know” and sometimes your body gives you a “feeling”. I don’t want to dive too deep into intuition, but I am here today to say a few things to us.
Sometimes we search for advice when we already KNOW the answer. Even if we get advice contrary to what we “know” deep down inside or how we “feel” about the situation, the answer will remain that which you ALREADY KNOW. You can’t (I mean you can but…) talk yourself into it or out of it, it will still be what you already know. You can go in circles asking friends and wise counsel. You can do all of the things such as pray, meditate, wait, listen, search and research but, when you know, you know. And yes, you should do those things to a certain extent except for the RUNNING YOURSELF in circles, turning the situation over and over in your mind. It’s not good for you mental health. It creates stress. Why do we do that? Seek and seek and seek? I believe it’s because we don’t want to be wrong. We don’t want to be right. We don’t want to mess up. However, we have to make a decision sooner or later or life will make the decision for us. It is far better that you make the decision within a reasonable time frame.
Yes, we will wrestle with some decisions in life because some decisions are more complex and have lasting effects. It’s okay to be right about something and it’s okay to be wrong. I am learning to TRUST my intuition, forgive myself if I make the wrong move or decision, and to listen more to the KNOWING and the FEELING.
Recently, I met a nice guy that seemed to check most of my boxes but, each time he did or said certain things, it didn’t make me “feel” good. I would cringe. It was off putting. I tried to ignore it and we talked about it but, the off putting feeling was still there. There was nothing wrong with him per se, it was that our personalities did not click. It’s just that simple but, I began to think TOO MUCH and that made it more complex. How important is it that personalities match or compliment each other at least? What if I don’t find those qualities in him I like in someone else? Am I being superficial or shallow?
I was beginning to think people were thinking I wanted someone perfect. I know that’s not true because I have accepted imperfection and I know it comes with dating, relationships, friendships, and marriage. As I said to one friend, “It’s not about perfection. It’s about who’s the mature choice for me.” So what was my problem in listening to the KNOWING and adhering to the FEELINGS? I wanted to be wrong. So, I held on longer than I should have. I asked around. I prayed, meditated, listened…REPEATEDLY getting the same answers. I asked anyone that would listen, and got conflicting information and confirmation. I created CONFUSION. I also didn’t want to be right because I thought it meant, “You can’t seem to get it right when it comes to men, AGAIN.” It’s like all of the circling around the KNOWING and FEELINGS creates a centripetal force that will have you going no where. But, oh when it stops (when you are forced to make a choice or life chooses for you) you’ll be flung across the room! BAM!
The Divine will give you all the confirmation you need but, only for so long. Trust the KNOWING. The FEELING. Be willing to be wrong, again or sometimes. Be willing to be right even if it’s not what you wanted to be right about. The ability to do either is part of vulnerability. Vulnerability is being willing to feel the depth of being. It’s also a wonderful teacher.
In her new book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It’s that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen control.
September? Is that you? It is indeed September and it is in this month we begin to phase from summer to fall. So it is in nature, we ourselves begin to phase or it may seem as a turning point. This is prime time for you to STOP, REFLECT on what you have learned this year thus far and prepare to finish up strong in the next coming months. Will you finish up or will you have some things to carry over? There is no rush because when it comes to life you never get it all done. However, it’s the PEAK ENERGY in September that you want to tap into. It’s like this is the tip of the mountain and we slowly roll down the year from here.
Be open to change. Be open to change this month. We may have been reserved, closed off, this year but, this is a good time to open up to change because what you have been doing this year may not have been working. Maybe it needs to be tweaked or done away with all together. It’s time to try something new and different. It’s time to do it without fear or do it with fear. It’s time for a POSITIVE CHANGE. Whether it be a spiritual change or a change in your diet, catch the peak energy and move into the radical change that has been integrating into your life all year or hovering in your atmosphere. You’ve been thinking about it. You’ve been making huge changes all year long. It’s time to embrace it.
Shift and End. When something ends, it really never ends, it shifts so that something else can come along and take it’s place. Energy is eternal but, it can transform. Summer is shifting so that fall can take it’s place. The weather is changing. Hence, the “be open to change” and the shift of things such as your mindset, ideals, relationships, etc. All year has been such a drag for me. I looking forward to a shift in my life and positive change. Lord knows I am open to it.
Watch the EXTREMES. There are extremes available this month. Extremes in the change. Extremes in the attitude. Watch the HOW you move from thought to thought, mood to mood, ideal to ideal. Make it smooth, planned, as it does not have to be abrupt. It does not have to be broadcasted or sprung on others. It just has to be done.
The Lull (Down Times) As disruptions will happen this month/season because of the extremes of energy (summer and fall’s tug of war that will flow into October), hold on to your hat. Your hat is your faith, your beliefs. Ground yourself. We are dealing with viruses of all sorts and I am not just talking about the flu or Covid/Delta variant. However, as I type this two people I know have transitioned, passed away as a result of Covid. One person this morning and the other Monday. I hold on to my faith. I ground myself. Now, there will be LULLS. There will times before the new moons and there will simply be times where you have absolutely nothing to do. You will have downtime. You will create downtime. In that time, THINK of what is near and dear to your heart. People, hopes, dreams, vacations and think of how you want to manifest those things…NEXT YEAR. YES. I said next year. Write it down as it comes. In the LULL, bask in feelings of gratefulness and thankfulness. The LULL may be right before bed, if you wake in the night, or perhaps before dawn. It can be anytime and anywhere.
Emotions and Restlessness: After changes come emotions. Yeah, it was a good idea but, now you are having doubts. Now, you are getting pushback from the people around you that, “didn’t see that coming.” Well, you will need to process the emotions. Feel it. Does something need to be adjusted? Revisited? Yes. Do it. No? Let it go and keep going. This is the process.
Restless energy? Channel it into getting things done. Especially, things you have put off or things you know that are coming up. Home maintenance. Car maintenance. Etc. Instead of “What’s in your wallet?” like the Capital One Commercials, it’s a “What’s on your list?” inquiry.
The Virgo Bless Up. It’s not about perfection, it’s about refining things. It’s about structure. It’s about purification of what has been tainted. Make it clean. Make it sparkle. Make it spic and span. Crisp souls. Straighten up your talk and walk.
The Libra Line Up. At the end of the month, cash out. In other words, balance your energy. Make it harmonious. After all, you’ve been tapping into the peak energy of September. Also, check to make sure you are in line with who you are authentically. Weigh your next move.
Last week, I had a very bad fibromyalgia flare. I mean the kind that brings tears to your eyes. I was the chairperson of an event and I had things to do and very little help to do it. I pressed my way through by pacing myself, resting, and getting things done. As you may have read a few blog posts ago, I lost another loved one to Covid. This month has seem to be a month mixed with a variety of sufferings ranging from loss of loved one, increased physical pain, emotional challenges, and a few missed targets of gossip and misinformation.
It has also been a month of blessings and gratefulness. I feel it has been the turning point for me spiritually. Some parts of me that were dead to Christianity are showing signs of life and there seems to be some solid foundation in what I believe to be true about God. So, what is with so much suffering? The question is not why must we suffer but, why do we suffer?
I say we it’s not about a “must” suffering because there are choices we make that lead to suffering. The solution is to simply make better choices. However, there are things we are just going to go through that causes us to suffer. Incidents and accidents. The loss of love ones. Sickness. A not so good childhood. Relationships turned sour and rancid. Pause. Deep breath. I was sitting with my eyes closed listening to a Christian meditation, which was more like a reading of scriptures, and I heard this:
Suffering produces perseverance. It does? It does. Well, how does that work if the person suffering dies? The defeated suffering by moving into a realm where there is not suffering. To stay here, would have meant more suffering. Ok, but what if they suffered and lived and as they lived, they still suffered because of their illness or injuries? They persevere by pushing through, by treatments, by taking on each day, by adapting and attitude of positivity and gratitude. The persevere to and develop character that can help someone else to get through what they go through, something similar, or life all together. They learn a thing or two about suffering and pushing forward. They learn some things about weeping may endure for a night but, joy (enlightenment, understanding) comes in the morning. They learn about getting through it. Either hope seems to just appear for some and others make a conscious choice to hope. Hope for better days. Hope for a cure. Hope for new treatments. Hope for the suffering to end.
I got through those terrible flares like I got through some of the others. Perseverance. I get through some by suffering through them because no amount of pain meds, heating pads, or ice can help. I suffer through the hours to get to the next day and they subside. I persevere through it with prayer. That’s all I have sometimes. All I have is “hope”…hope this ends soon. Hope tomorrow is better. I “hope” they can figure out how to treat fibromyalgia soon or in the future so others will not have to…suffer.