Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: A Forced Smile

20181118_083726
Unicorns & Coffee 11/18/2018

Yesterday I enjoyed a beautiful wedding ceremony of my nephew and his girlfriend officiated by his father (my brother). Everything was simply was beautiful. I love short and sweet ceremonies and that is exactly what it was. However, as my heart was happy to be there, something occurred the 15-20 minute ride that changed my mood completely. Even though I fought to keep my mood high all the way to the bitter end, the bitter person won that round. I had to sit in the car to get myself together and force a smile.

20181117_155547

I looked at the selfie I took and thought about a forced smile. There I am decked in costume jewelry, fabulous sparkly heels, and a fur trimmed wrapped and reeling with anger at the person sitting a few seats down that acts as if they have done nothing wrong. As the ceremony proceeded I was happy to see my nephews come down the aisle and to see many of my family members I don’t get to see often. For those few moments of socializing, my mood and heart was lifted. But then it was time to get back in the car with the person and their behavior persisted. When they said they wanted to go out for dinner, my heart sank. I would have to spend more time with craziness. I sat there the whole time trying to remain silent or indulge in small talk with others at the table. I tried to laugh with others.

When I finally did drop off the person, I thought I may find some peace. But no, another person in the car continued the criticism and we had words. For the first time since a time I can’t even remember, I had to go for a ride in my car alone. This for me means I reached my limit in composure and before I do or say anything I regret, I need distance. I need to get in my car and say everything that I REALLY wish I could say, but if I did it would DAMAGE the person in such a way it may not be reparable. In my car ride, I can say what I truly want to say and say what I truly want to do. In the car ride, there is no judgement. There are no interruptions or no one telling me what “Thus said the Lord” except the Lord and the Lord (God, The Creator, The Divine ) is just there being a sounding board. Allowing me to “get it all out, let it all out” profanity included. There is no ZEN, no YOGA, no MEDITATION, no 10 deep breaths needed. There is the beating of the steering wheel, the tossing of a sweater, the throwing of a purse (in which I will have to pick up the contents later). Yes, the DO GOODER, the GOODY TWO SHOES. the PREACHER’S DAUGHTER (titles in which people assign to you with obligations, morals, and rules they make up basically assigning you to perfection) is a real human being just like you. Yes, she has anger issues that she has mastered on many levels but also reaches a boiling point. She also believe that anger should be acknowledge and all that comes with it. It should be understood as perfectly normal and not to be stuffed down into the fibers of your being.

I don’t like it when I have to force a smile. I don’t always like it when I have to restrain myself. But in the course of the night, in my bed, searching that app for a meditation or talk that would help me to settle down, I discovered a talk that should be a TEDTALK about anger. It blew my mind! And I have decided to do a series of blogs on it. Can’t wait to share.

~Nikki

Advertisements

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Talking to Your Higher Self

4fc4703184151740705c45704534b5c6

Yesterday, I waited to pick my daughter up from taking her SATs (yes my one and only is a Senior!). Well, I got there and realized after looking at the email that she would be coming out an hour, maybe an hour and a half later than she told me. It was a beautiful fall day yesterday and as I sat on the campus of an amazing private school, I opened up my meditation app (after playing word games and surfing the web lol). I recently started back meditating last week. I found an app I first started with and my has it really developed! I chose a guided meditation which was not even an option years ago.

I chose the guided meditation of 11 minutes, “Connecting To Your Higher Self.” The invitation to connect with my Higher Self is exactly what I needed. I think maybe I have neglected my Higher Self  or just put it on the back burner. Maybe, even muting her. You know, the Higher Self means many things to many people. It could mean a higher power, the Holy Spirit, or it could mean your spirit. For me, it means my spirit. You know, I believe our spirits do know some things! I believe when we appeal to our higher selves, it’s the self that says “No, don’t do that.” or “Yes, do that!” It’s the pull within us and the shrinkage within us and I believe it’s who God or Holy Spirit and spirits communicate with. I mean, our body’s are vehicles that house our own spirits.

Well, in this guided mediation before the yogi ever got to listening to what Higher Self is saying via this session, mines was shouting with a whisper, “This way! This way!” It was like a soft lit path and then as things were in a distance you could envision a ball of soft light. “I will guide you. I will show you which way to go.” I can tell you that I knew exactly what Higher Self was talking about. I have been feeling a bit lost and uncertain about the things I love to do. The artsy, writer, crochet-er, learning to sew disabled due to Rheumatoid Disease and other issues and “at my age” has been uncertain of not what to do with what I have but HOW to do and WHERE to go and WHEN. Which way? What process? Whenever I am doing what I love or enjoy, my spirit, Higher Self is in harmony. Whenever I am doing things or when I was working at my jobs, my Higher Self, my spirit was in turmoil. If I were headed towards a bad relationship, or in one, even friendship, my spirit was in knots or heavy. It needed the Holy Spirit, a good friend, a leader, a mentor, a book, a series of sermons, dreams and visions to reach it. I also think this spirit vibrates on higher frequencies when you are in tune with the Universe or God’s Plans or Your Purpose than when you are out of synch or off path.

I was delighted to recognize my Higher Self, the Intuitive One, on yesterday.

~Nikki (43, The It Is Well Within Me Tour)

Insight Timer is the App I use and the Guided Meditation was “Connecting To Your Higher Self.”

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: What You Have Need Of

e33038a3482f8faf68b007ef6946b710

You’ve been blessed with an inheritance, a lump sum of money, you won the lottery, or you have a good job or career and have managed to put away for retirement. Yet, you worry from time to time or constantly about the future and if you will have enough. Maybe, you are young or old, have a large family or a single parent, and you are doing the best you can. Let me tell you briefly, about my situation.

I am in my early 40’s, approaching my middle 40’s ha! (No, I don’t look it and thank you!) Well, I happen to become ill, could no longer work, blew through my savings to survive and raise a daughter that will be graduating from high school next year. I found myself in the disability process for three grueling years. I won my case. And I thought it would be a sigh of relief and it was. However, like any person that has to start from a setback, start from rock bottom, I worry. But and on my anxiety and man, it takes on a whole other form or worrying. How can I make it off this? What will I do when the surplus runs out? Will my other dreams ever take off so that I don’t have to be on disability? What happens in 3 years when I go for a review? What if they say I am okay and I don’t need it? What kind of job will I be able to do at 46 with my illnesses? Will I ever get the home I want? You see where I am going and then loop that in your head all day. That is anxiety. Go to bed and wake up thinking about the same thing.

This morning I heard this in my spirit, “There is no sense in worrying about tomorrow. Tomorrow has enough trouble of it’s own. You can’t add one day to your life by worrying.”

And then I thought, but don’t you have to plan for the future?

Spirit:”Be wise like the ants. But they don’t worry. And consider the birds in the air, the are fed everyday. The flowers are clothed and they don’t worry.”

Me: “But, what about my dreams, and goal, and plans, and life? What about that abundance? What about prospering? I don’t want to struggle until I die!”

Spirit: “God knows the plans created for you. God knew you before you existed in the womb. God molded and shaped you. You are carefully, and wonderfully me. The Creators plans for you are to prosper and to be in good health. You have choices. Choose life. Choose the things that will better you. Go for it. Do it. Be wise. Use knowledge. And God  knows the number of hairs on your head. Not one falls without his (her) knowledge.”

Me: Let me blog this and hope it helps someone else.

God, the Creator, the Universe, knows what you have need of. God’s plans are always for you to triumph, be at peace, be in good health, and to prosper. But you do have to do your part and if you’re doing your part, researching your part, then do not worry. God will do the rest. The Universe is working for you, always and never against you.

~Nikki

A Season of “At Ease”

42311802_10157830605903266_1324841267279953920_n

Leviticus 25:4 “But in the seventh year there shall be a Sabbath of solemn rest for the land, a Sabbath to the Lord. You shall not sow your field or prune your vineyard.”

Is it just time to be “at ease” about it all? Is it time to rest from your life’s work? Is it time to go a few weekends without movement, toiling, schedules, a to do list? I see many of us worrying about the same thing over and over. The same situations, the same people, when will we ever let them go? They are already gone from our grasp, but still are taking up residence in out heads and hearts. We have to be doing something or we are being lazy is how many of us were raised, what we were told, or what we saw. Change is inevitable and all things must come to an end we quote, but yet we prolong by holding on.

There’s a transition of the seasons. Just because it’s an official date for summer doesn’t mean summer comes on that day. However, summer doesn’t transition all of fall either. Are the leaves turning or have they turned in your life? Have the leaves fallen from the tree and are you still trying to get as much shade as you would from spring’s tree? Is it time to be “at ease” ? Straight backs and a stiff upper lip, chin up, tummy in, forward march or sit down? The parade is over. The war is over. The season is over. Take some time off or take off and never look back. At ease.

 

~Nikki

Single Life: Dealing with Resurfacing Fears or An Out of the Blue One

15027468_10155482609888266_4511332985624643823_n

As I muddle through life and navigate this single life aspect, I often forget about some of the fears that once tormented me in relationships. Well, I think this may happen to those of us who have been single for a while. It may also be the reason while some can’t find a mate and the same reasons some don’t want to be in a relationship ever again.

As I drifted in and out of sleep last night, a funny thing happened. I started to think about after the dating phase and the possibility of a relationship, the things I may have to deal with again. What if the guy is a flirt or has numerous female friends and associates? I thought to myself, “Nah, I don’t want to do that again.” Shutters. I think of the drama and trauma and accusations that circle around “What’s the problem with him having so many female friends or being a flirt?” “Are you insecure? You must be.”  Well, I have dealt with all of the reasons I feel the way I feel about dating a big flirt and a man that has a boatload of women as associates. I can sum it up as saying, it’s not my cup of tea. After years of dealing and healing with the underline causes, and some of it is common sense and personal preferences, it came up last night. I thought I was done being concerned with that.

Well, the more I mulled it over in the day time, I realized, there is nothing to be concerned about because I don’t have to accept a big flirt or a guy with numerous women as friends and associates with behavior that makes me uncomfortable. Right. I have a choice. And one reason I remain single is because I know what things I can deal with and what things I cannot. I can no longer be coaxed, manipulated, talked into things I know just don’t work for me. And after all, is this not what the dating phase should reveal? And it shouldn’t take long into the relationship to discover if you’ve been bamboozled. No, not at my age. False alarm. I was worried about nothing.

I think it’s normal to have these things, whatever your things are, to come up from time to time when considering getting into the dating game. I think it’s important to be rational and to address any issues you may not have fully dealt with or just the ones that resurface.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Getting to Faith by Hearing

ebf5b3bc42b9a84a55d9ccce12164953

Our ears take in so much information from the outside world including the people we associate with. What about our internal dialogue that waters and feeds not only what we receive from the outside and how we interpret those things and the things that happen (or are happening) to us? At some point in life we began to filter out these things and if you are taking on a deeper dive into discovering, nurturing, growing the real you, you are pulling up the weeds of those things you find that stunt your growth. You are trying to use some of those things as fertilizers and others to strengthen and beautify your garden.

Now, you may have heard of the scripture that says faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. You may have heard it interpreted many ways and you are about to “read” it interpreted in another way. This is the scripture that came to mind for me as I listened to Dr. Wayne Dyer this week via YouTube. A word, a message, at the right time in your life can build your faith, increase your strength, give you the extra life in your life to go on. To do. To be. It wasn’t a traditional message from a religious leader and I have no problem with that because one, my father is my religious leader, and two, where would I be without all of the religious leaders that have helped me to grow and heal? Some may even consider me a religious leader. I don’t know who, but I don’t see myself as a religious anything. This WORD from whom I call God, comes via many avenues for me. Choosing the right things to hear from Dr. Wayne Dyer or choosing the right things to read from my Bible or my bookshelf is pertinent to my personal growth. As well as choosing if what I hear makes it to my heart or gets recycled back into the atmosphere as useable energy (I will tell you how I am learning to do that later).

If you are feeling weak in your faith, uncertain in your destiny, I suggest you secure and strengthen your faith by choosing to hear the right things, say the right things to your self, and read the right things. Maybe, even do the right things. Tune out, discard, anything that is in contrary to what you KNOW doesn’t confirm or inform that light on the inside of you.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Are You a City With Broken Down Walls?

d0357a5966052255399e19b5aed14ee0

A person who lacks self control is like a city with broken down walls. -Proverbs 25:28

I once had a really bad temper and it wasn’t because of my red hair either (or at least it’s not scientifically proved yet!). Anything could tick me off. Any one could get a good verbal assault. Duck! I was throwing something or punching a wall. I thank God I was never arrested for some of the things my anger or temperament spurred me to do. I am also grateful I don’t have to regret harm to a person physically because of a moment of my anger and bad judgement.

I thought I was controlling my anger when I was really stockpiling my anger. I would let it build up and then I would explode. It wasn’t until I wrote the book Healing the Single Mother I really began to understand what it takes to get a handle on your anger or a hair trigger temper. It wasn’t until then I understood how I could be angry, but sin not (well, at least most of the time). It was self control. If you don’t have self control when it comes to anger or anything else, you are the city with broken down walls. Anything and anybody can come in. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You don’t have a defense. You don’t have protection against the devil, the evil, the negative energy that is circulating and is bound to come near you. Self control offers protection not only from the outside, but from your own internal conflicts that occur that lead you to unsavory words and actions.

There is more to dealing with your anger issues than the use of self control, but self control alone can save your life and save you from making in the heat of the moment choices with lifelong consequences.

~Nikki