Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Suicide, Self Love, Love for Others and The Creator’s Love

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With two people I admire in the world, Kate Spade for her vibrant fashion and Anthony Bourdain for his honesty, adventurous spirit, and good looks, gone through the chosen vehicle of suicide, I had to speak up and out just a little bit louder.

I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say and what I wanted to share. Let me start by saying from experience, depression is hard to live with. From experience, anxiety is hard to live with. From hands on experience with mentally challenged adults, bipolar disorder is very hard to live with. I feel as though people who “just don’t understand” it, don’t want to understand it. They don’t want to take the time to understand it because Google is right at their fingertips for everything else they don’t understand. If they can read, comprehend, then they can understand depression and anxiety. There are different types of depression and anxiety.

I’ve attempted suicide at least three times in my life and I use to think about it all of the time. Society didn’t make it better. Being African American made it worse. Anxiety and Depression is “crazy talk” in my community. We are slowly coming around to understanding that many of us, many African Americans, many people in our family, past and present, lived with untreated depression and anxiety. All because of the stigma that African Americans are strong and we don’t get depressed or have these mental issues that White people have. This is the dialogue I was fed for years. I think to myself, “Right, because slavery alone couldn’t have carried any long term, generational, mental and emotional consequences. And not to add just being a part of the human race alone and living life…nah, we couldn’t possibly show any signs of mental and behavioral disfunction. We made it through slavery, civil rights fights and Jim Crow laws, of course none of that affected any of us. And if we can make it through that how could we have depression and anxiety. Right?” Wrong.

There is so much I could I delve into but, the main things I want to convey is how I stay anchored to this Earth living with depression and anxiety. I went from not knowing I had it, to denying that I had it, to acknowledging I had it but, dealing with it on my own for years to finding a good psychologist that helped me understand depression and anxiety. In the midst of all that I took a journey of self love. A true and growing, deep, deep dive into self love coupled by actions that proved I loved myself that moved beyond manicures, pedicures, and shopping. It involves making choices that reflect my love of self and always remembering that “Self love is self preservation.” Self preservation also involves preserving my peace of mind and body.

Somewhere in this journey I began to understand and to feel God’s love for me. Oh I song it as a child, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” But, could I feel it? I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand it either. How could God possibly love me and allow all of these bad things to happen to me? It was not until I began to understand love from a Higher Power is different from this earthly love. It wasn’t until I began to make sense out what it is to have life and what is life. I am talking about what makes sense to me and not what others have fed me. I gathered my own information about life from a spiritual perspective and learning hard lessons from my own poor choices and just life experiences. It wasn’t until I started looking for my purpose. It wasn’t until I realized that my perception of life and it’s meaning was personal and universal. It wasn’t until I realized my idea of life will change and broaden. It wasn’t until I had a solid perception of death. It wasn’t until I understood that in order to feel God’s love I had to have a personal and deep relationship with God and that my relationship with God wouldn’t look like the church or others told me it would or should look like. God, the Creator, the Universe, loves me and that love is greater than the love I have for myself and the love that others have or do not have for me. Other’s not having love for me, falling out of love with me, does not give me a right to take my life. My precious life. Nothing, no pain, no tragedy, none of these illusions that make me think I can’t handle it, gives me a right to take my life. Not anymore. I didn’t say I don’t think about it, I said it does not give me a right. I choose life.

But it gives me understanding, why others do.  It gives me compassion for their souls. And I do not see them as weak. I see them as strong, fighting all of this time. I see them as not understanding things as I do or as others do. They are not me. I am not them. We do not, did not, will not, have the same experiences and carry them in the same way. We have other factors that weigh in. It is not my call. It is not my trial to judge. And I don’t do sending people to hell well either for suicide.

All of the love, all of the sadness, all of the inspiration from these two souls, that touched people from all over the world, they couldn’t see it or feel it. They couldn’t see it or feel it from their own friends, associates, and family. I couldn’t either. So, I understand what it’s like to be blind to all that is around you, to walk empty and to smile, to go through life like a robot. I understand how pain and not knowing how to deal with it, manage it, thinking irrationally, can send you to the edge over and over and over. So many things factor in. Too many unseen and unspoken for me to judge.

I anchor myself with love for myself (which includes therapy!), love for others, and love from God. I unhook that anchor sometimes…I get out there in the deep, but love…one or all of these loves bring me back in.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Single or Miserably Involved?

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The obvious choice is to be single but, if we are to be honest with ourselves we often prolong the inevitable way past a relationship’s expiration date or we delay ending dating/involvement with a person when alarming signs are glaringly red. Why? Is it fear? Is it that some of us are just as miserable alone with ourselves as we are in a relationship (whatever kind of situation-ship you have)? Is it that we are afraid to speak up or afraid to hurt/disappoint the other person? Ourselves? As in, we thought we had it right this time or we could handle it this time? I think all of those are reasons why and I am certain there are many more.

As you may or may not know, I like being as honest as possible about these things because I believe the only way to heal and connect to others is to be honest, not perfect. I was miserable alone at some point in my life as much as I was miserable in relationships because I had NOT understood what it was truly like to love myself and to know myself. I can tell you another time (or just read some of my blogs) about those journeys to get there. However, I have reached a point where being single is not misery but, it does have lonely times. And yet, I stutter, pause, waiver, my anxiety increases, on just when and where to say, “Hey, this is not working for me.” After thoroughly ruling out bull “stuff” reasons I finally arrived at the root of why I lose my nerve and voice with ending this potential fiasco: I don’t want to be the WEAK ONE and I don’t want to be WRONG.

It has nothing to do with being single but, everything to do with admitting to myself and Spirit all along that I was wrong…AGAIN. I KNEW I should have steered clear. And to the other person that seems to be handling our involvement so well, I don’t want to end such a seemingly good thing as being the weak one that couldn’t handle her “feelings.” This is when I realize I have more work to do. What’s wrong with having feelings? NOTHING. However, given the friends and associates I have had in my circle they have made me feel, along with past relationships that having feelings or not being able to handle MISTREATMENT or EMOTIONS was a WEAK thing. Yes, society, relationships, religion and friendships have done a number on us all. Including you. We associate how much you can take of mistreatment with how much you love a person and how STRONG you are. LIES. And I think from the abuser of emotions they tend to think “She or he must really love me because I am doing all of this stuff and they are still there! I guess someday I will stop to show them just how much I love them, too.” Twisted thinking.

So, as I put my BIG GIRL PANTIES on and say, “Hey, I think we should just be cool. This is not working for me” and watch him sail on to the next “all willy nilly” and carefree, I will also be carefree and “all willy nilly” in my emotions again. It’s better than being ignored, dealing with inconsistency, and immaturity in this case.

~Nikki

 

 

 

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: What is “43:The It is Well Within Tour”

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The 43: It is Well Within Tour is a tour of my life, my mind, behind the scenes so to speak. In this social media error we seem to only see the finished product of things. We see the finished product of wisdom on a post. We see the arrival but, what about the journey? What about the grit and the grind or the situations that create the wisdom or the lessons? I am not talking about the polished versions either. I am talking about the moments that led up to the light bulb going off. The moment that profound wisdom is inked into your psyche. The moment light hits the darkness was it tears? Was it shame? Was it anger? Was it guilt? Was it relief?

Well, I want to take a tour of this year as if I am the tour guide and the tourist to journey into wellness within me. I am both the guide and the observer. You see the production. The beautifully wrapped package of a body that smiles (whether forced or not). But what happened that week or that day? We are on tour of the “getting to” of well being within. I hope you can take the tour with me. It’s going to be pretty honest and pretty amazing. 3/31/18-3/31/19

 

“In order to maintain peace and joy within one must take care of the things without and within.” ~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Daily Readings & Reading to Keep Your Mind

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Reading while sipping a morning coffee

If you seem to be off track in your thinking and emotions, if you are questioning life, if anxiety is running wild and depression is on the prowl, I am going to ask you what was asked of me: Are you reading anything that keeps you grounded or growing? Well, it wasn’t asked of me like that but, that’s how I took it. And my answer was: “No. I haven’t “felt” like reading.” This coming from an author and avid reader.

Well, pick up a daily devotional and take a moment to read it and as you go about your day reflect. If you are like me, one with a heavily distracted mind as of late, I have to read it a few times through out the day. I feel like I am cleaning the cobwebs out of my mind or third eye. I also have a really good thought provoking book that I want to get into and I am going to after getting back into the routine of daily reading and meditating more.

Each year God or Spirit directs me to books to buy and some I just find interesting. I never know when I am going to read some of them but, I know when the time is right those books are for me. This year, the one I am using as a daily devotion  and for my “43: All is Well Within Journey” is this one:

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I also have decided to start back taking key points that resonate with me or I want to remember and put them on my mirror. I can focus on them as I do my morning routine or nightly routine. Reading something significant helps improve your mind and spirit.  If you can improve your mind (mental state/health) and spirit, you can improve your quality of life.

~Nikki

Five Things About 42 Before 43

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  1. It was legendary because I stretched out my faith, moved beyond my fears, and took leaps
  2. Some wounds by those closest to you can change the dynamics of the relationship forever even after you have forgiven them
  3. Not my circus. Not my monkey. Liberation.
  4. I don’t need anyone to sign off on my relationship with God. No one gets to decide if I am a REAL CHRISTIAN. Liberation
  5. I don’t need to be believed or understood. I don’t need to explain. I am who I am. I be who I be. Liberation.

~Nikki

My 42 Journey was about Liberation and Legendary Actions