Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Dealing with Adults that Play the Victim

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It’s a heavy topic, but it’s been on my mind for several weeks. There are a few reasons adults play the victim role such as: it gets them attention, it gets someone to feel sorry for them, it allows them to manipulate the situations and feel in control. Somewhere along the way, perhaps in childhood or with someone in their life, they found this role comfortable and acceptable. They are especially clever at using this role to create a situation, blame someone else, never say they are sorry, and then get people to be “on their side.” It’s a victory for them.

The way I deal with adults like this is the same way I deal with a child. I don’t give in to their tactics and I point out where they are wrong with logic and if necessary, scripture. Sometimes no response is the best response and to carry on with your life. Really, if you have someone in your group, crew, circle, church that is a “master” at playing the victim they need the Master to makeover  them over. They need to master their feelings. People who play the victim want you to be responsible for their feelings. They need to be responsible for their feelings!

Why with love? These people are wounded and they have become accustomed to a false sense of power. Playing the role of the victim for your entire life, or whenever it is necessary is a weak position that renders you no real power. Real power comes from:

  • accepting when you are wrong
  • healing the wounds of the past
  • dealing with your feelings maturely
  • asking for forgiveness for your lies and games
  • not needing attention from negativity or period to feel important, to validate your opinion or your feelings
  • accepting that things do not have to go your way
  • living from a position of honesty and truth is power

~Nikki

Reaching Beyond What’s Broken

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What is it that is broken in your life? I have heard that when you are at the end of your rope you should tie a knot and keep hanging on. But don’t your arms (strength) weaken? Does not your hands (heart) have blisters? I’ve asked God what if I let go? And God responded that he (she) would catch me. Yet, God has informed me this is not the time to let go. No, not in this situation. So, how do I reach beyond what is broken?

Imagine that you drop a very fragile dish right before you. Did you curse? (lol) Did you get angry? Are you irritated and agitated? You felt something. When something breaks in our lives, we feel something. The first thing you do is STEP OVER the broken porcelain or glass. And guess what? That’s it! Mind you, we are only talking about how to reach beyond what is broken. As long as you are standing there in the midst of brokenness you can’t begin the clean up. And let’s say that sometimes what is broken is so bad, the Creator has to reach over your brokenness to get you the other side of safety. You know, like what may have been done by a parent to you as a child. “DON’T MOVE!” they say. Then they reach over the broken glass to get you away from the danger of sharp edges. Because that is what a caring parent does. They realize you can’t get yourself out without the risk of being hurt even more. And then they clean up.

You see, sometimes you will be the one that has to step over what is broken so that it can be fixed or left behind. And sometimes, God will reach in and carry you over the brokenness. Either way you move beyond what’s broken and only then can you determine what is next.

I say to myself this morning: What’s next?

~Nikki

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings:The Power of Introspection

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It was when my daughter was born I began the journey to look deeper within myself to find out why I was the way I was at that time. The journey has progressed over the years to why I am the way I am now, how I want to be in the future, to forgiveness of self and others, to ever evolving. And so much more.

I can tell you the first step to introspection is brutal honesty, but gentle forgiveness and a course of actions to remedy the issue if there need be one. I’ve gotten my instructions from logic, books, observations of others and ultimately God who sent all the aforementioned things via the vehicle of wisdom. Brutal honesty with yourself is a practice that is  necessary if you want to get to the heart of the matter and I am not just talking about honesty about yourself, but honesty about others and the situations that have occurred in your life.

I started by addressing the things people said about me often that I refuted vehemently.

“You are wishy washy, very indecisive”

“You never smile. You’re always frowning. I thought you were mean.”

“You’re too clingy.”

“You are so sensitive.”

These are just a few. It took years to get through the layers of those those four things alone. It was the saying; “If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, looks like a duck it must be a duck” and “If everyone is saying the same thing to you over and over it must be true.” All four of those things I shared were true and are still true at times. I worked on being more decisive. I had to get to the underlying cause of that. It was work and it was years and I realized it was rooted in childhood and my nature. I smile so much now and I love it. I also know why all of those years I didn’t smile much. I didn’t know I had a reason to smile. I was bullied as a child and my frown was my defense! It kept many people out as I grew older. What was a fence for protection became a wall for isolation in many ways.

Being too clingy..ahhh yes, that really hurt. That was really hard work. Too many bad relationship made me want to hold on to anyone that crossed my path. It hurt to lose. It hurt to let go. I didn’t like pain. Who does? I had to learn several lessons from that:

If you hold on too tight you squeeze the life out of relationship. If you hold on to who’s hurting you, you hurt you! Trust is necessary and if it’s broken, then you have the option to leave or mend. It’s true, a person will do what they want to do because you can’t be around them 24/7 to ensure they won’t and why would you want to be? Who wants a relationship like that? Trust is essential to a successful relationship. (So much work in that area including becoming self confident and building self esteem).

You are too/so sensitive. I am. I tried for years to change that, but I realized being sensitive is how God created me. I govern my sensitivity by asking myself can I let that go? Am I taking that too personal? But I don’t question every single thing I feel. I feel deeply. I am who I am. Some people are just too rude and too mean and they want you not to be offended by it. Life.

Introspection is a lifelong  journey. The one thing I love about this journey is rarely do I have time to judge others, but I do have time to decide if I want them in my company. I find you are more understanding of others actions/ways. You recognize yourself in others or things you know they need to work out. You can deal with them or not. You can only heal yourself and aide in the healing of others. I am more whole and a healed person than I was at 25. I thank my God for that.

~Nikki

Discoveries from “My Authentic Self” Journey 2016

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I NEEDED TO BE BORN AGAIN (AND IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH BAPTIZING).

I needed to be born again as the girl I was before so much information was downloaded into my being by life, relationships, parents, teachers, preachers, trauma, drama and experiences. True, much of that “made” me who I am today, but I also loss some of the good parts of me. To be honest, some of the very good parts of me. Some of those things have held me back, kept me in bad relationships, made me “bitter” for a time, made me mean, judgemental, and worst of all some of those things made me silent and stifled my creativity. Really, my creativity dwindled down to zilch. And guess what…CREATIVITY is WHO I AM. (excavated that too).

Close my eyes and take several dips in the waters that can wash away the programming of the world…as many dips as I need. Coming up from those dips with something washed away and with the power and conviction not to be deterred or reformed. I was born a rebel. I had to learn, however, my rebellion was not for “bad” but for “good.” I never wanted to conform to much of anything, but I did by force and choice. I rebelled in other ways.

Here is what was reborn or reinforced (so far):

I am a rebel. -Be the rebel I created you to be and use it for good. If “they” don’t like it don’t take it personal. They are not your people, but they are still my people. Be a rebel with a cause.

I am creative. -I created you creative. Write, draw, paint, design and go for it. Don’t censor it to make others happy. Censor it if you feel it offends me (God) and just know people will tell you that it offended me but really it offended them), but IF you and I have talked about it…keep creating. Sometimes the truth offends and makes others uncomfortable. And sometimes, they simply can’t relate.

I love the sky and the signs in it. -Be interested in the signs and wonders in the sky. Who else creates those “signs” every month and there are seasons to those signs. You know what is and what is not true. There are some anointed in these areas and there are many taught to “taboo” what they don’t know anything about. Don’t worry about it. You’ve been studying the sky since you were a child. Lay down in the grass and dream and talk to me like you use to. Come out to the night sky. Read all you want about zodiac signs, stars, moons, and planets. I don’t have a problem with you doing that. I know you don’t trust horoscopes, but you trust ME. Whatever you feel enhances your experience here…just depend on me and the Holy Spirit for discernment.

I am a free spirit. -I created you a free spirit. Embrace it. You don’t like being confined by rules, theologies, denominations, culture or walls. BUT YOU DO LOVE ORDER. Use wisdom and my guidance of when to sit and when to fly. Stop pushing down what you don’t agree with. Remain respectful. It’s not that you don’t like being told what to do, as they said, you don’t like the suffocating feeling of being “untrue to yourself.”

I like time to myself but I like friends. -Play by yourself until friends show up. You use to do that without any problem.

I trust myself. -Trust yourself again and add what you have learned. Easy.

I am strong. -You were born strong, courageous, and resilient. You all were.

I feel. -Be emotional. Be sensitive. Be proud of it! You are strong enough to FEEL and not pretend you don’t feel. Be honest about your feelings and govern yourself accordingly to move on.

 

~Nikki

I probably need a few more dips…

 

 

 

Discoveries from “My Authentic Self” Journey 2016 (2)

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I LIKE BEGINNING AND ENDING MY DAY WITH A LIKE SOUL. I LIKE SPENDING MY PRECIOUS TIME WITH LIKE SOULS.

“Time is money. It is your currency on this earth. Where you spend it, how you spend it, and who you spend it with is your choice and consequence. There are no refunds.”  -Nicole Jackson

 

You don’t realize how precious your time is until you are in the presence of others that are nothing like you. You do, however,  recognize how miserable you are. True, you may not can always control the times you are around or encounter those people, but oh what joy for the times you can!  There is nothing like being comfortable at a party, at a dinner, at a get together. I don’t like a lot of bickering and arguing. I had enough of that growing up. I don’t want to spend my time defending myself, explaining myself or being ignored. I like friendly people. I like kind people. I like joyful people. I like helpful people. I like honest people. I like funny people. I don’t want to sit around and talk about other people. Or whispering about another “friend or associate” in a room. I don’t really want to talk about someone who thinks we are all associates, family, or friends. I don’t care about their hair, makeup or attire.

When I was a child, I spent time with friends. When I was a teenager, I spent time with friends. When I was a young adult, I spent time with friends. The people I hung around were not mean or low down. They were not backstabbers, liars, or cheaters. They were not mean girls or rude. We could hash out any differences and move on. I don’t know what happened to those days or those kind of people, but I do know they are still alive and well. We told each other when we were wrong and we would help mend each other. Those are my kind of relationships.

When it comes to spending my life with someone, I prefer someone with a like soul. Someone similar in core beliefs and someone who can allow me the freedom to be myself. I don’t want to wake up miserable and come home to miserable. I will not and I do not believe God would set me up in that environment. God knows my creativity, my heart, my soul could not thrive in that type of environment. I am a delicate soul, yes. I am also strong, but my dynamics are complex for many.

~Nikki