Last night I went out with a friend to see Australia’s Thunder from Down Under. And this made me think, I am just kidding, I wasn’t thinking about much of anything at the show except how good looking those men were and how much fun I was having. I screamed the entire evening. Conversation and laughter, food and the flirts from the opposite sex, none of my same race, but thankfully of the human race (same race lol ) was quite refreshing. A bit bewildered as I was definitely rocking my natural zig zaggy coiled red hair. Not society’s definition of good hair or beautiful hair. I decided to post some photos and my whereabouts. Anyone who truly knows me, which are few, know I like to take walks on what I call the wild side. My wild side is pretty tame compared to most I suppose. I have no need to compare though others do. Shrugs.
So, I know that social media is a rumor mill, gossip train, for the small minded and the super religious. In my world, you don’t get to do too many things and still be called a Christian by Christians or by non-Christians. I find that amusing. I know there is a definition and in keeping with a Christ like spirit but, do we blot out and mute our own spirit until we are martyred? Solemn? Sad? Unhappy? Blank slate? Dull? Robots? Mindless Sheep? Then why give so many diverse personalities, life journeys, backgrounds…woosah. I am 43. I have taken a few intentional journeys since turning 40. And the more I clear my own path I have no need to be called anything by anyone. I have no worries if I will be able to speak at a church, in a church, do work in a church, etc. and etc. The burden of “Oh, if you do that, you may mess up someone else’s walk or you could lead someone else down the wrong path” has been given a TRUE revelation to my eyes.
Hey, I like rules in relations to right and wrong. Do no harm. I don’t think all rules should bend to fit one person’s religion but, society as a whole. I don’t like being confined. I don’t like being bound. I don’t like others defining me. I like to tell you who I am and what I am about. I think God knows me better than anyone and reveals myself to me throughout life. I am right on the edge of being completely free. I wasn’t happy at the larger nondenominational church I was at but, I was being fed good spiritual food for my soul at that time. I was called back into a time warp the last year to help my home church and I am there now. I am there to assist, plant seeds, serve in and the community, to grow more in patience, grace, and mercy and to eventually leave the church but, never to leave God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. It’s the only way I’ll be able to live a life of freedom without religious chains. I prefer worship in spirit and in truth.
The obvious choice is to be single but, if we are to be honest with ourselves we often prolong the inevitable way past a relationship’s expiration date or we delay ending dating/involvement with a person when alarming signs are glaringly red. Why? Is it fear? Is it that some of us are just as miserable alone with ourselves as we are in a relationship (whatever kind of situation-ship you have)? Is it that we are afraid to speak up or afraid to hurt/disappoint the other person? Ourselves? As in, we thought we had it right this time or we could handle it this time? I think all of those are reasons why and I am certain there are many more.
As you may or may not know, I like being as honest as possible about these things because I believe the only way to heal and connect to others is to be honest, not perfect. I was miserable alone at some point in my life as much as I was miserable in relationships because I had NOT understood what it was truly like to love myself and to know myself. I can tell you another time (or just read some of my blogs) about those journeys to get there. However, I have reached a point where being single is not misery but, it does have lonely times. And yet, I stutter, pause, waiver, my anxiety increases, on just when and where to say, “Hey, this is not working for me.” After thoroughly ruling out bull “stuff” reasons I finally arrived at the root of why I lose my nerve and voice with ending this potential fiasco: I don’t want to be the WEAK ONE and I don’t want to be WRONG.
It has nothing to do with being single but, everything to do with admitting to myself and Spirit all along that I was wrong…AGAIN. I KNEW I should have steered clear. And to the other person that seems to be handling our involvement so well, I don’t want to end such a seemingly good thing as being the weak one that couldn’t handle her “feelings.” This is when I realize I have more work to do. What’s wrong with having feelings? NOTHING. However, given the friends and associates I have had in my circle they have made me feel, along with past relationships that having feelings or not being able to handle MISTREATMENT or EMOTIONS was a WEAK thing. Yes, society, relationships, religion and friendships have done a number on us all. Including you. We associate how much you can take of mistreatment with how much you love a person and how STRONG you are. LIES. And I think from the abuser of emotions they tend to think “She or he must really love me because I am doing all of this stuff and they are still there! I guess someday I will stop to show them just how much I love them, too.” Twisted thinking.
So, as I put my BIG GIRL PANTIES on and say, “Hey, I think we should just be cool. This is not working for me” and watch him sail on to the next “all willy nilly” and carefree, I will also be carefree and “all willy nilly” in my emotions again. It’s better than being ignored, dealing with inconsistency, and immaturity in this case.
The 43: It is Well Within Tour is a tour of my life, my mind, behind the scenes so to speak. In this social media error we seem to only see the finished product of things. We see the finished product of wisdom on a post. We see the arrival but, what about the journey? What about the grit and the grind or the situations that create the wisdom or the lessons? I am not talking about the polished versions either. I am talking about the moments that led up to the light bulb going off. The moment that profound wisdom is inked into your psyche. The moment light hits the darkness was it tears? Was it shame? Was it anger? Was it guilt? Was it relief?
Well, I want to take a tour of this year as if I am the tour guide and the tourist to journey into wellness within me. I am both the guide and the observer. You see the production. The beautifully wrapped package of a body that smiles (whether forced or not). But what happened that week or that day? We are on tour of the “getting to” of well being within. I hope you can take the tour with me. It’s going to be pretty honest and pretty amazing. 3/31/18-3/31/19
“In order to maintain peace and joy within one must take care of the things without and within.” ~Nikki
If you seem to be off track in your thinking and emotions, if you are questioning life, if anxiety is running wild and depression is on the prowl, I am going to ask you what was asked of me: Are you reading anything that keeps you grounded or growing? Well, it wasn’t asked of me like that but, that’s how I took it. And my answer was: “No. I haven’t “felt” like reading.” This coming from an author and avid reader.
Well, pick up a daily devotional and take a moment to read it and as you go about your day reflect. If you are like me, one with a heavily distracted mind as of late, I have to read it a few times through out the day. I feel like I am cleaning the cobwebs out of my mind or third eye. I also have a really good thought provoking book that I want to get into and I am going to after getting back into the routine of daily reading and meditating more.
Each year God or Spirit directs me to books to buy and some I just find interesting. I never know when I am going to read some of them but, I know when the time is right those books are for me. This year, the one I am using as a daily devotion and for my “43: All is Well Within Journey” is this one:
I also have decided to start back taking key points that resonate with me or I want to remember and put them on my mirror. I can focus on them as I do my morning routine or nightly routine. Reading something significant helps improve your mind and spirit. If you can improve your mind (mental state/health) and spirit, you can improve your quality of life.
For the past 3 years I have been struggling, wrestling with life and gaining this invaluable wisdom. I often have to create happiness and it doesn’t come easy in the trenches of this journey. However, something about 43 seems promising and that in itself makes me feel effortlessly really, really good about 43. I feel this easy optimism concerning my life. There has always been a light at the end of the tunnel and as I say I am the light in the tunnel. I think I am just closer and I can feel fresh wind. I can breathe fresh air. Soon, I will have a 360 degree view of a better life and more work to do as I build something new.
And what I also feel about 43 is the fullness of the responsibility and freedom of this is my life. I choose. You don’t choose. My religion doesn’t choose. I choose. I get to boldly live it. I get to boldly do it. Psalms 43 talks about a vindication by God. I am feeling I just may very well be vindicated by God and if I can be vindicated by God then what would I need with anyone’s approval? Whew….
43. This odd number. This oddly refreshing stage. This reset. This work of manifest destiny. This optimism. This love by design and choice. This freestyle. This get all back and make some more. This nope, I don’t want that. This nope, I don’t want to do that. This nope, I change my mind. This yes, above all things I prosper and be in peace.
I call 43-“The Journey is Well Within.” Enough soul work has been done so that I might LIVE peacefully among myself. Yet, until we leave this realm there will be more to do.
It’s a chilly Saturday morning here in Memphis. Most of the snow has melted and patches of ice are still hanging on for dear life. It’s partly cloudy and my daughter is at her dad’s for the weekend. It’s a quiet morning for the most part and I don’t want to be troubled about anyone’s troubles today. I have had a very long and painful week that started last Sunday. I had oral surgery Monday. Tuesday the neighbors pipes busted…and wait…I don’t want to go on about this week. However, I did just get off the the phone with a person, whom name is being withheld to protect the guilty, on how they have these mountains of a problems today (two), which has greatly (not even barely) inconvenienced them. I just held the phone. Solved one of their “problems” by asking a simple question and listen to them solve the other. You know, before coffee I just don’t want an earful of woes.
At some point of a roller coaster week you have to get off. You have to carve out not just a moment, a minute, but an entire day. 24 hours of leave me alone. 24 hours of this is how the day will go. 24 hours of I can’t help you. 24 hours of I am closed. 24 hours of, sorry, that’s going to rush me, put me in a bind, throw my entire day off. 24 hours of I see your text, message, but I am not answering. I don’t want to think. I want to be quiet. I want to clean. I want to create. I want to eat good food. I want to binge watch. I want to listen to good music. A Do Not Disturb: It’s My Saturday.
I don’t know about other cultures or races or environments…or religions for that matter, but what baffles me are adults who are adults according to age but, not according maturity. By observations, we seem to be hurt children trapped in adult bodies. I often hear things in my community like “I’m a grown ass woman” or “I am a grown ass man.” But, what does it mean to be a grown ass woman or man and do grown ups have to make such statements? I’ve seen us ready to fight each other over nothing in the community, at family functions, and even at church. Church, a sacred place. Some adults are about as mature as the children they are raising.
Hurt children trapped in adult bodies need HEALING. Hurting people hurt other people. They hurt them with words. They hurt them with violence. They hurt them by being vindictive. They hurt them with malicious gossip.
Hurting children trapped in adult bodies hurt themselves. They set themselves up for failure by making choices that keep them in a vicious cycle. They choose the wrong friends. They choose the wrong woman or man. They choose to do nothing about their circumstances when presented with a better option. Hurting children are afraid of change. Hurting children are hopeless. Hurt and Hopeless equals anger. Hurting children throw temper tantrums when things don’t go their way and they do not like to be corrected because they do not like to be wrong.
Growing up grown folks takes healing of the hurts and harsh realities they have harbored deep in their hearts and souls. Only the Creator can heal them. But first they have to give up the ghosts. Give up the ghosts that haunt them. Give up the horrible childhood. Give up the traumatic losses. Give up the horrendous acts done to them by others. Give up the abusive relationships. They have to give up the ghosts so they can be raised from this dead life they are living. Growing up grown ups takes correction. Growing up grown folks takes clear directions. They need these two things during the HEALING PROCESS…WHICH CAN TAKE MONTHS AND YEARS. It’s going to take relying on strength within, a HIGHER POWER, and someone or some books divinely placed into your life for guidance. Dear Hurting Grown ups, Give up the Ghosts….
I’m still giving up ghosts…I am still learning and growing and I can see that. I can measure that by the actions I take and the ones I don’t take. I can measure that by the words I use and the silence I choose. I can measure that by how well I manage my emotions and practice self control. Make your world, the world in you a better place and that will make your children’s world, your friendships, relationships, family-ships a better world. It will make this world a better, safer, place to live in. Heal up.