When you are healing or getting over a situation there is a middle ground. A gray space. A partly cloudy with a chance of rain. In this rarely talked about space, you can see sunshine and then clouds. You can see a beautiful sunrise and sunset and then out of seemingly nowhere, heavy rain. Here is the comfort: You are almost there. You are almost to the closing up of the wound. You are almost to the healing phase. You just have to rest and keep moving.
In this middle ground, this gap, do you know what you need? You sincere, specific, meaningful prayer, meditation, and affirmations. Stand in the gap of this moment. This where you go in deep. This where you stand in the corner and pray. This where you lay prostrate and wail if need be. This is where you lose your self in the silence of meditation.
This is also where good flows in. The sunshine, the sunrises, and the sunsets. This where light comes into the cracks. You get ah ha moments, deep revelations, vivid visions, and waves of goodness. It’s where nature speaks and heals. It’s where messages come from the strangest places and things. Embrace it with your whole mind and heart.
May the Lord (the Law) bless you. May the Lord (the Law) keep you. May the Lord (the Law) make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May the Lord (the Law), lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. The Bible, Numbers 6:24-26
It’s not so funny how you think that what you and another person have is solid but, it turns out to be quite fragile. What’s really going on here I asked myself (and God) until I received an answer. Make it make sense. The simple answer is you may have been way more invested in it, the friendship, relationship, partnership than they were. It may have been layered with somewhat equal exchanges but the EMOTIONAL investment for you was much greater. Therefore, you feel a bigger let down and may have difficulty “wrapping your head around” their ability to move on as if it was nothing. I’m not saying they didn’t care. I am saying it was just not as much as you did. The bond was only on your end and your “deep” connection was more than likely a one way thing.
You know the scenario, the new kid walks into the lunch room looking for a familiar face or a place to sit only to choose a table and hear the words, “You can’t sit with us.” It’s the mean girls slogan for newcomers and it’s transferred over in so many cultures and into the work place. Why? Because mean people and childish adults exist in every culture, race, and they exist in institutions and corporations. EVEN CHURCHES!
In my race and culture I have found the same exclusivity in almost every situation imagined. I’ve been in churches where it wasn’t said but dutifully noted, “You can’t sit with us.” I have been on a job, walked into the breakroom, looking for my people and got the eyes of, “Un uh. Who are you? You can’t sit with us.” I was in my 20’s working at a well known corporate office and into the cafeteria walks the new black girl with her tray. She looks around nervously for a place to sit and I wave my hand like , “Here, over here!” She didn’t work in my department but, I saw her as she was given the tour. She came to the table and said, “Oh, thank you so much!” Eventually, she found her people in her department but, we kept friendly the entire time I was there. I’ve done this, make room and space, numerous times in settings where black men or women find themselves in a room full of us or not, with no idea how to navigate that socially awkward moment. I’ve done it for ANYONE.
I’ve been asked, “Why did you invite “HER” to our table?” or “Do you know them?” I invited her because she was black, a woman, a minority. I invited them because I have been them not because I know them and it wouldn’t hurt to get to know them. It’s okay to hold space until people find their place. It’s the nice, polite, kind thing to do.
Sunday, I attended the wedding of a friend. He was the groom. When I walked into the backyard of his cousin’s home, decorated beautifully, I didn’t know anyone that was there. I navigated towards a table that had a couple sitting at it. I spoke and sat down. I did the unthinkable and started with “small talk”. Before you knew it, we were talking and laughing. We were joined by two more of their family members and just as easily as the conversation started with the couple, so it was with the two additional family members. The people I was sitting with actually ended up being family of the bride. The conversation and laughs blossomed into the things we had in common, life, food, travel, an on the spot order of my chocolate covered strawberries, a remedy for bad knees (lol) and I now have “new” cousins and an additional auntie.
It doesn’t hurt us to be friendly, warm, and inviting to that unfamiliar yet familiar face. In society, we are often considered the outsider. The unequal. The not good enough. We should always, always welcome our own when given the opportunity. Especially, in our own social circles and environments.
There is something about growth that I HATE when it comes to letting a relationship go or it letting me go. That part is “feeling sad”. No one enjoys it I know. But, I am speaking on when you have already learned the lesson (s) and you are ready to move on BUT you can’t because here comes a thought, a memory, an instinct, a knee jerk response to pick up the phone and can call their number. Then you are like, “Oh. Yeah. Can’t do that.” But I’ve got the lessons for me this time around:
Sometimes second chances don’t work out.
It wasn’t a waste of your time because your intentions were clear, pure, and true.
You learned to respect a person’s right to not feel the way you feel and to bow out (maybe not so gracefully but, hey as well as expected). This is your GREATEST LESSON.
Sometimes the friendship within the relationship also come to an end.
I understand. Now, let’s move on. Well, not so fast. And why not? Because you can’t rush time and you can’t rush growth. It’s like a plant and you can’t rush the growth of the plant after you have watered it. Even after you get the lesson, like water, it has to soak in. It has to get to the root. I’m ready to not feel sadness or loneliness but, it’s not happening as quick as I would like it to. So let’s soak it in with affirmations:
I am worthy of a love that flows freely from the heart
I am loved deeply and eternally by my twin flame soul mate
I am worthy to be a priority
I am worthy of a rich friendship within my relationship
SOAK IT UP. SOAK IT IN. LET IT GET TO THE ROOTS and SOAK IN THE SUN. AND JUST SIT THERE LIKE A PLANT. AND BE PATIENT. Affirmations or just the truth, is the water!
I keep checking on my plants as I am learning gardening on the fly. All of the plants I planted with the exception of the elephant ears were already in a bloomed state. I check on my plants almost everyday and I am disappointed when I don’t see a sign of the elephant ears blooming but, I am pleased to see some of the other plants thriving. When I do see growth I am shocked because it seems as if it wasn’t there yesterday or the day before! One day, I am sure I will notice the sadness has disappeared and the memories aren’t as vivid. They don’t come with pain or loneliness. WOW! GROWTH! When did you get here?! Neverminded that! Welcome!
Yesterday, my daughter convinced me to go for a walk at the park. It was a little warm but, I went. I pop my earphones in once she starts to pick up the pace and leaves me behind. We start out together but, because I can’t walk fast, I tell her to go ahead and get her work out in. I was listening to the Wayne Dyer Podcast and I heard him say something that immediate freed my soul.
“What do you have to be insecure about? You are a creation of God.” – Dr. Wayne Dyer
I was like, “WHOA!” It felt as if all my insecurities dissipated into thin air. I am a creation of God. Why on earth am I insecure? God made me the way I am and even if I altered it in some sort of way, I am still a creation of God. I was insecure about my looks, my voice, and my body but GOD created my features, my voice, and my body. It is what it is but, because of society or the environment one grows up in, some features are preferred. Some SKIN TONES and HAIR TYPES are preferred. Some body types are preferred and especially, in my community. People let you know this from a very young age.
I did eventually get comfortable with the body I was created with. I thought I was okay with the way I looked UNTIL I thought about creating a YouTube channel. This is when I became concerned with the way I looked and the way I sound…again. I never liked seeing myself on video. I realize that one reason I haven’t been obedient in doing anything with the channel is because when I see myself, when I hear myself, I am slightly uncomfortable. And that rattles my confidence. Although, I have went live a few times, and even in those times I wasn’t fond of it. But I felt pressed by Spirit to speak. So, I did.
It’s amazing how things can seemingly, out of nowhere, come into your space and enlighten you. You get the right word, the right conversation, at the right time. I guess I will take the leap and begin to create content for my channel.
It finally happened. I had a housewarming for family and family-friends. And it was GREAT. We had a really good time fellowshipping with one another. Most of my immediate family is vaccinated and if not they have had their first shot.
It took me two weeks to prepare for one day because of physical limitations. Really, I started to prepare three weeks in advance. The last two days were brutal on my body and I had a few days along those weeks that were bad days and many sleep issues at night. However, I persevered. I also had help from my brothers, my daughter, and parents. I am grateful for that.
Today, I begin the process of recovery. It takes about a week and sometimes two weeks to recoup from an event like yesterday. Today, I feel like I have been hit by a ton of bricks. My body is exhausted. I am fatigued. I have a huge amount of pain and soreness. So, I have cancelled all plans for this week. I only have one goal, each day, for the next seven days that require my physical energy. I am also not taking any phone calls or dealing with any negative energy. It’s just not happening this week. No extra tasks for anyone else. This is the epitome of self care for those with autoimmune diseases. We must heed the lessons learned and the good advice given to us by others in order to preserve and improve our health.
I know we are 16 days into May but, this may help you to make it through the rest of the month. There is nothing like understanding the “season” we are in or the signs of the times. Why? Some may say. Well, it’s because knowledge is power and you can govern your actions and responses accordingly.
The “energy of May” brings us independence, confidence, and new beginnings through the number 1. Biblically, it represents God. God is self sufficient, needing nothing to do what needs to be done except energy. We, being like gods in the earth, are self sufficient. We need nothing but energy to thrive. It’s the whole “We lack nothing. Everything we need to succeed is within” thingy. 1 is motivating. 1 is the number of the pioneer. It’s time to break new ground. Take a different path. Start a new project. Do something you have not done before. That type of energy is in the air.
This is not the time for drama, chaos, or confusion. If this is anywhere near you, get away from it. Shut it down and do not be pulled into conflict. You do not have time for it. The 1 energy is focused! It is ready to take control of it’s future. It’s ready to create or to embrace new beginnings.
The 1 energy is confident and independent. It will not wait for the approval of others. In fact, it is not concerned about who is for it or against it. The 1 energy will ride alone. 1 has a plan and is ready to execute it. If it fails, it learns. If it succeed, it learns. This it the mindset of the 1 energy.
Goals are being achieved with this energy. Advances are being made. It is self motivated and has self determination. There are no excuses and innovation is used to overcome obstacles.
What’s your passion? What’s your purpose? Begin the great work! You’ve written the vision, you’ve made it plain, and now it’s time to take action. Do your part and let the CREATOR take care of the logistics. A positive attitude and optimism is required in this season. Total faith and trust in yourself and in God, the Creator, the Universe, or whatever you call the Higher Power is how you move in this season.
Remember your worth. No matter what is going on, the situation, the relationship, you are worthy. Walk in your worth. Rest in your worth. Walk in your worth means to walk in the confidence or certainty, that you are worthy. You say it. You claim it. When you feel unworthy is the time to OWN IT. Rest in it. After you leave the job, situation, when you get home, in the quiet moments…REST in your worthiness. No matter what happens…YOU ARE STILL WORTHY.
You are worthy to be a priority. People make time for who and what they want. They do not make time for you because they do not want to. If they can shift and move and impromptu everything else…they can do the same for you IF they wanted to.
Some things in life won’t go away in a few days or a few weeks. It won’t be lifted immediately after prayer or meditation. You won’t feel better after exercise. Some things will not be lifted with routine because it’s design for strength training and it’s the opportunity to for you to USE all of your skills, wisdom, experience, and knowledge you have gained. It’s show time, baby.
You get over some things faster because you have grown.
Move from desires to intent and let God, the Creator work out the logistics. Desires are great for visualization. Desires are great for making a list and writing the vision but, INTENT breeds action. Your part is action. My part is writing this blog. God’s part is the logistics. My part is to share it and tag it and boost it. What happens after that is God’s part. The logistics. Logistics- the DETAILED coordination of a COMPLEX operation involving PEOPLE, FACILITIES, or SUPPLIES.
I responded, “Stingy? He gives you $100 and buys you expensive purses that you request. How is that stingy?”
There I was concerned that my little cards and thoughtful gifts (the bread pudding, the pound cake, the measly $25 gift card at her favorite store) wouldn’t stand a chance, and it didn’t. However, not only did mine not stand chance, not even the favorites gave good enough gifts. Truly, some are never satisfied and it’s because they don’t practice gratitude unless they are in some tragic situation and their life is saved or they are ill and they feel better. Then it seems to dissipate into thin air after the threat of death no longer looms or the sign of illness subsides.
That was earlier this week. On Mother’s Day I called to ask if they needed me to pick up any food on the way home from church and she said no. However, she forgot to hang up the phone and boy, did I get an earful of what I didn’t do such as, “She NEVER asks if anyone wants anything when she goes out.” I responded, “HEY! I can still hear you! And why do you think I called? Also, I think I call you anytime I am going to the grocery store or making runs in the vicinity of places you like to go. I think I drove you to Walgreens yesterday and all the way to Southaven and back while not feeling well. Enjoy the rest of your Mother’s Day.”
It’s complicated
As photos float across social media and people honor their mothers that possibly have the parent-child connection my daughter and I have, I try not to envy that. I try not to wonder how that feels. Instead, I hit the heart button and make comments to celebrate their relationship. It’s difficult when I go to pick out a card because not many match my experience or my feelings. I did learn to be a good housekeeper. I did learn to be a good cook. I did develop a love for fashion from my mom. I did learn some driving techniques and skills. We were well fed, well clothed, and taken care of. I do remember learning to sew and her making doll clothes for my dolls. I do remember getting my hair washed and pressed. I am sure there is love. I am sure there is care. But there is not a connection.
So, how does one refocus after hearing their parent talk about them. Well, it’s not the first time I have overheard a conversation about me where she forgot to hang up the phone. I have actually been told many things about myself when I was younger and I couldn’t not respond or defend myself because well, in my community, you don’t talk back. You internalize those things with your thoughts. As I drove to pick up food for my daughter and I, I took several deep breaths. I felt sadness looming after having such a wonderful morning of Mother’s Day wishes and gifts. I talked to God. Out loud in my car.
“If I have to come back, or if we can come back to earth, I am NOT coming back to parents or a parent that cannot parent me properly. Write that down. Roll tape of me saying this. I am not coming back to an emotionally and mentally abusive parent that has issues within themselves they cannot recognize or get help for. I have had enough to deal with and heal from to last 46 years. I’ve got to really remove myself from this toxic connection.”
I enjoyed my meal with my daughter. I looked over all of the wonderful cards and gifts that mean the world to me because someone thought of me. Flowers, which I love. Meaningful cards. $5 (yes because I think things like it’s $5 for Dollar Tree or a Milkshake lol). A lovely coffee mug because we all know I love coffee. A fan to add to my collection. A 49ers hat! A windchime. A bottle of wine that I enjoy. Things that don’t cost much but, are symbols that one was THOUGHT of. People spent the money they had to make you smile and to show their appreciation for your presence. I watched Julia and Julie, Eat Love Pray, and I went to bed. I enjoyed my morning, made it through that mid afternoon bull, and blossomed the rest of the evening. I slept well.
This may seem harsh but, it’s the truth. People have a right to break up with you or to break it off. However you want to define it. Even if it hurts your feelings, breaks your heart, makes you feel like a fool. They have a right to their feelings. Do you not have a right to your feelings and a right to be with someone you want to be with? I say you do. You have to give others that same freedom and right if you are NOT the one for them.
I know it sucks. I know it may not seem fair. I know it may hurt like hell but, would you want to be with someone you didn’t want to be with? Would you want to subject yourself to going through the motions and pretending? If you are not into it or them it can be misery brewing. You want to see others. Find the one that sparks your soul but, no. You are forced to be with this other person that you really don’t want to be with because well, they are nice. You don’t want to hurt their feelings. But really you are doing them a disservice and being dishonest by forcing yourself to stay. What you are pretending to do is to be into them when you know you are not. Deceptive.
I accept the fact that someone was just not that into me (although in my bold opinion, running away from love or unable to recognize what real love looks like). I accept their truth and choose my response. Oh, my first response was hurt, disappointment, anger, and a few curse words. But once I got a grip, I chose to respond by letting them go completely (no interactions whatsoever by Divine guidance) and choosing the healing process. It’s an everyday choice. You on the other hand, must heal your way.
People have a right to their feelings. You are apart of people 😉 We must respect the break up as if we would want our choice to be respected. We don’t have to like it. It would be wise to accept and move forward. Don’t you want what or who is for you? I do.
