I’d bought one huge canvas and was intimidated by it. I was at the art supply store and I wanted another one, but why? I hadn’t painted the other one. As I stood there debating a young curly haired girl appeared on the aisle and she started tossing canvases into her cart because it was a sale. My cart was filled. We chatted about the sale. Then she said turned to me after she got the huge canvas. “Do you want me to help you get one?” I said “Oh, no. I don’t know. I have one and I haven’t painted it because it’s so huge and I am a bit intimidated by it.” She said, “Oh no! You must get it then. You must. If you afraid of it you must do it! Come on let’s get this thing in the basket.” We got down, but not in the basket and I dragged it to the front with my daughter pushing the cart (She is an artist, too.) And the young lady smiled at me and as we all walked out she waved. God bless that art angel. I did it! Abstract art is my niche and well, here you have part of the Luxury Collection is City of Dreams.
Sunset on the Mountain. This one reminds me that even though the journey is rough there are beautiful sunsets along the way.
I am a reader. I like to read a wide variety of books and I have to be drawn to them. This year I will be finishing up some books from last year and years ago. I have two new books, Becoming by Michelle Obama and The Wisdom of Sundays from the Soul Sundays on the OWN channel. That one will sit on my nightstand all year as I will read it when moved to do so. It has excerpts from those that appeared on Soul Sunday and it’s a good to read it in the morning to start your day or at night to end your day. The book Inner Engineering is so deep and heavy you have to read a chapter and rest. Mind boggling and blowing. Sometimes you have to read the chapter over again to understand it. It’s from last year.
So, what are you reading or what’s on your list? What kind of books/genre do you like? I’ve never really had a line up of books like this before. It sort of just came to me this way. I also have two novels to read.
Before I saw this quote the other day, I received a phone call from someone and they were telling me about something very important they misplaced. This person misplaces numerous things on a regular basis. As I began to try to have a conversation about them needing to slow down, pay attention, which is something even strangers have said to them, they did what they usually do to me and a few others they don’t “seem” to value much, they got offensive.
I continued to make my case in a non-threatening, caring way and I got off the phone. I almost became irritated. I almost took it personal, but I remembered what I have been drilling in my head for the past year, “It’ not me, it’s them.” “They have the problem. I can honestly say I didn’t do anything wrong. I am going to continue with my pleasant morning.” Sometimes it is personal. Sometimes it’s not. You just have to know when and decide what your response will be. I read this quote over and over until something else stood out, “compulsion to react.” I’ve been compulsively reacting to this person’s madness, with madness, ever since I realized I was old enough to do so. I reacted with madness and anger because that is all I knew. It is what I was taught to do by this person. (I didn’t even know that until therapy). You hurt me with words, I hurt you with words. Especially, since no one can stop me or I can’t be punished for talking back. In that moment when the person became defensive, I could have became offensive, but I didn’t. I didn’t compulsively react. THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PRACTICE and it was effective that day for me. In other attempts, this person would get more and more belligerent and obnoxious. And I would explode!
As I navigate this complex family dynamic, with more knowledge and practice, I hope to gain for myself the peace I have so rightly deserve from childhood until the present moment. I hope to be able to not compulsively respond, not take it all personal, to rightly respond, to insist on my boundaries, to protect my peace, and to not beat myself if I don’t “always” get it right (another burden placed on me by the same authoritative figure).
I had it all planned out. Saturday was the day I would COMPLETELY organize my room. Well, after a night out celebrating a dear friend’s birthday and returning home at 2:30 A.M. and THEN having to wind down, NOT HAPPENING (Didn’t Happen). I slept in, which I have no complaints about that. I woke up, fixed coffee, and made myself a bologna and grill cheese sandwich and called it brunch. I added an orange and sliced up half a banana.
I did not want to clean my room or organize it. I wanted to go back to bed. So, I did snooze until I had to get up. I changed clothes (woooohoooo)!
So, I started to think what could I do that doesn’t require too much effort, yet can still be considered highly or maybe remotely productive? Maybe even fun.
I cleaned out my purse.
I cleared both of my email accounts of 1000’s of emails.
I read blogs and commented.
I watched an hour worth of videos I saved on Facebook. AND I had my notepad and pen nearby to jot down any inspiration or note recipes to try.
While I caught up on a few Red Table episodes, I twisted my hair (It’s a natural hair thing, girl thing, etc.)
I went through magazines I said I was going to go through months ago and tore out pages of recipes, ideas as topics for my blog, and inspiration for my Vision Board. I also put them in a pile for recycle.
I did chair yoga.
I gathered all of the books I want to read and finish reading that I think may be beneficial to my journey this year.
I synched my wall calendar, planner, and phone calendar for January thus far.
I did a facial mask.
I set alarms to tell me to wind down (It pops up: Time to Wind Down Gorgeous) and I actually set an alarm to get up in the morning (It pops up with the message: Blessed to see another day). I wake up naturally anywhere between 5am – 6:30am, but my daughter usually makes sure I am up by 6:30. This routine started and was really needed in the beginning of my diagnosis. I could (and still can) sleep through alarms because of pain medication or by waking up in the night with pain and then falling into a deep sleep in the wee hours. Groggy mornings and stiff mornings are not fun.
I pumped out this blog just for you!
None of these felt like “real” work to me. It was fun and I had a great day at home while the rain and cold weather outside continued. I hope you enjoyed your Saturday!
Over the holidays, winter break for my teenager, we decided to do something we do from time to time which is thrift. Well, what a fun day it was for us. Usually, we can spend an hour in one place exploring and searching. We even picked up my Mom for part of the adventure.
As you can see in the photo above, two of my best finds were authentic Louis Vuitton and Dooney & Bourke purses. I could not believe my eyes and I checked to make sure they were the real deal. One of the employees that sort and price the purses showed me another purse and how to determine if it was fake. Both of these were marked for 9.98. As I was looking at other purses, a woman that was shopping saw my purses and told me that I could take them to a shoe shop and they would clean them. They would look new.
I also thrifted two pair of pants for 6.98 each. One made by “The Limited”, a wool and lined pair of trousers, and the other was a pair of Casual Lee Jeans. I purchased a brown cardigan for 4.98.
These two items I got from a consignment store. Kenneth Cole Reaction shoes for $20 and Corduroy Jacket in plum made by Talbots for half price at $12 and a Nine West Purse not pictured (because my Mom borrowed already!) for $18.
The week of Christmas I went to Target and found cardigans on clearance for half price.
Well, as you can see, I like to thrift and I like shopping clearance or consignment stores. I love fashion, but I also have limited funds. I try to look my best on a budget.
My first week of 2019 was peaceful as in a peace of mind. I spent New Year’s Eve at home and my daughter went to a sleep over. I was kind of solemn on New Year’s Eve, but things seem to dissipate some late in the night after fireworks and people shooting their firearms into the air with no care of where it may land. I was able to sleep in a little late and woke up refreshed. Even though, I am facing one huge obstacle (depending on who’s eyes you are looking through, mines or the Creator) this year, I feel that it will be resolved. I am just not certain if the process will be smooth and I think this is where the anxiety lies.
Last night I wrote in my new journal an honest assessment of my anxiety towards the obstacle I face. It’s not that I don’t have faith that God will work it out or has already worked it out. But, it is the processes I have been through in the past to get to the other side of working it out, have usually been rough and turbulent. I have done so much BELIEVING and FAITHING and CRYING my entire life, especially, these last 9 years it’s like I want to brace myself for the worst. In many ways, life has been traumatizing for me. I pray that is not the case. I pray that the “how” it is worked out doesn’t involve turmoil for me. You know, some of us seem to go through more than others I have found it doesn’t ALWAYS have to do with “sin” or “karma” or poor choices. I am not sure it’s because of some “test” because I feel after so long there is no need for a test on addition or subtraction at a certain age. Which leads me to ponder fate and destiny. And the realization that some thing really “just is/are.” You didn’t do anything to deserve it. I think the task is to learn to live without becoming bitter and always looking at the big picture. And in case you can’t see the point or the picture to be at peace with what is.
1Now as Jesus was passing by, He saw a man blind from birth, 2and His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God would be displayed in him.… -John 9:1-3.
My 2018 will not end until March 2019 spiritually speaking. My birthday is my New Year and every year there is something I work on until the next year. This year was about not just things being well within me, like my mental health, physical health or what was going on in my life, etc. But, it was about ME being okay, with who I am, what I want, what I think, how I feel and so on. We can say it was about Nikki becoming not just more, but completely comfortable with her own ideas, her own voice, saying no and not feeling bad about it, pulling back from family drama, false friendships, speaking my truth even it hurt some feelings, and understanding the issues I have, the trauma I have endured will not go away over night. I have to learn to BE WELL with the healing process and to BE WELL WITHIN about it. I can’t hurry up and get it over with, but I can do my part to move it along. I feel like what I don’t want is being filtered out and by the time March rolls around I will be pretty much done with this lesson.
Today I woke up to a low mood. It was last Sunday when I had a really bad bout of depression. Today when I opened my eyes I knew something was wrong and it was hard to get up, start my day. It did not take long to realize I was in another slump, but no where near as bad as last Sunday. Of course I googled the exact feeling that came to my mind: low mood in the morning. And what do you know, morning depression. I found some information from a few credible sites, and then I thought about what was I thinking about last night, all day, all week even. This is something I learned from the psychologist. It may appear as if I wasn’t thinking about anything. And that may be true some times. So, I had to be honest with myself. And I was. And after that, I had to not judge myself harshly the was I have been taught to judge myself, but instead, show myself some compassion. And I did. And I am. Not to mention, I didn’t sleep well last night either. And I haven’t been sleeping well. Some of it is my fault. Some of it is painsomnia.
I will be home tonight for the New Year’s Eve. I don’t want to party with Cardi or anyone lol! I don’t want to go to church either. It’s not my first time being home or being alone as my daughter will be at a sleepover. I am not sad or anything like that. I just want to brighten up a bit, maybe plan out a few things, and get some rest. Hopefully, it will be raining cats and dogs so the ignorant in the city will not shoot guns.