Today I am experiencing anxiety. I want to remind you that anxiety is not right or wrong, good or bad. It just IS. It will pass. This is a fact. Your body cannot stay in this heighten state forever. Deep breaths. It will pass.
I am okay.
I am alright.
I don’t need all of the answers right now.
It’s okay not to know. No one knows the future. No one knows everything. No one can plan for everything.
I am alright.
It is alright. I am safe now.
It is okay. I am okay.
Peace. Be still within.
All things are well with my soul.
The Creator will take care of the future. I do my part in the now.
You know, I expect children, teenagers, young adults to display some form of jealousy. However, as you age, I would think jealousy would die down or cease all together. I mean after the age of 50 don’t you know that jealousy serves no purpose? Haven’t you heard over and over again how jealousy is useless? Apparently, not.
“Jealous ruins everything including the person it resides in.”-Nicole Jackson. I know we all have experienced or have had a moment of jealousy. It passes. I am speaking of those that operate in jealousy and carry it in their heart. I said the other day, “If jealousy is in your heart, I doubt there is much room for love.” So, if love is not your motive and jealousy is your motive, there is no telling what lengths you may go to because jealousy is running the show. What sneaky little things are you doing? What outrages things are you doing? What ridiculous games are you secretly playing? What are you plotting? What means or sly things are you saying to the person you are jealous of?
I encountered a person that admitted they were jealous. I thought how sad to be over 50 and jealous of anybody or anything. I know it’s out there but, I still think it’s sad to be a full-grown adult and operating in jealousy. Blew my mind when I thought about all of the things this person has and all of the things that are not material, they have to be grateful for. Then it dawned on me quickly that jealousy is a mind and heart problem. When jealousy takes root, it blinds you to the goodness in your life. Jealous can even cause you to secretly or openly compete with people who are not in competition with you. I think it’s crazy.
When I experience jealousy, I try to access where is it coming from and address it. When jealousy rises up, we must confront it head on. Sometimes when I become jealous by someone else’s success I tell myself, “You don’t know their journey. You don’t know what they had to deal with or battle. You’re just seeing the end results.” I also “check” myself and ask, “Are you doing the WORK to achieve your goals and dreams? Are you handling your finances? How’s that credit score?” Another thing I use to get myself on the proper response to others success or good fortune is, “Be inspired. Not jealous!” You see jealousy, when it arises must be STAMPED OUT immediately. I realize people don’t have this SELF CHECKING tool. I wish it were an app but, it’s something you have to start doing. CHECK YOURSELF. ANALYZE YOURSELF.
Rooting out jealousy: If you’d count YOUR blessings instead of others’ blessings, and TRULY THANK THE CREATOR FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE, you would realize there’s no need to be jealous of anyone. -Nicole Jackson
I also think jealousy can come from a place of lack. Someone may lack whatever it is you seem to have. You could have love and support from your family and someone else does not have that and it creates jealousy in their hearts. You could have been born into wealth and people will be jealous of that because they have had to struggle financially or can’t do the things you do because they don’t make enough money.
Jealousy can stem from low self-esteem and how a person views themselves. It can come from a poor me attitude. It can come from childhood trauma and poverty. It can come hearing their parents talk about the haves and the have nots. It can come from wanting more, greed, and wanting to have the means and ability to control others. Isn’t it odd that people who “seem” to have it all, and we never have it all, but we have it all (love is all, peace is all, etc.,), are jealous of those that have very little or not as much? They are afraid they may lose it all or you may get ahead. What a shameful way of thinking. But that kind of thinking comes from deep insecurities and trauma.
Jealousy makes people angry. Jealous people can be disgruntled, complaining about the person they are jealous of, and take unprovoked revenge on that person. It’s their mission to get that person fired. It’s their mission to find faults and discrepancies and to point them out for everyone to see! It must be miserable to live this way.
Jealousy will make you boast to your perceived enemy about what you have and what you are doing. “I got a new car. I got a car with all of the bells and whistles. I have plenty of money. Just go back from my 5th vacation this year. My children are doing better than yours. Oh, you got 10 gifts for Christmas from your partner? My husband gave me 20.” It’s always the “one up” they have on you.
In the Bible, it says jealousy is the work of the flesh. In Buddhism it’s considered one of the five poisons because it creates pain and suffering for you and others. As you can understand, jealousy is just not a productive or fruitful way to live your life. It’s counterproductive. Just think of all the joy and happiness one can have if they weren’t so focused on what other have.
I found the above quote about jealousy to be profound.
Is the answer to violence, crime, and poverty an education? No. Not only. There are educated racists, murders, corrupt politicians that have jobs and careers. Slave owners were more educated than slaves (Book wise and who wouldn’t be more educated than you when you are not in your own homeland.) and that didn’t change their violence, crime, or evil. I think it takes more than an education. What about morals and values? What about love and respect? What about respect and pride for yourself, your neighborhood, and your people?
Education and a good job or career may HELP solve poverty but, it doesn’t wash away injustice, violence, crime, and corruption. I think violence, crime, injustice, and corruption boils down to a heart problem.
I found out on my nature walk that a well-known rapper, from my city was murdered today in my city and not too far from my house. Breathe (saying to myself). I am really saddened and angry concerning his death because of what he does for the city and in particular his community. I am really saddened by the loss of life and violence in my hometown. There have been 5 murders in this city spanning several hours. I feel angry that people, PEOPLE do not care about life. I feel sad for friends and family of the victims. Sometimes, I feel fear when I leave my home and when I am in my home. I have to remind myself, first the natural then the spiritual. First, do my duty to ensure safety and to remember I am protected by my Creator. I ALWAYS pray for safety.
People are seemingly out of control as they use the city streets and highways as race tracks. They rob, break in, and murder over the most insane things. I dare say, where is the march for CRIME and VIOLENCE PERIOD. Yes, there can be two, three, four dynamics to “protests” and “marches” but, what I want to figure out is HOW do you get people to change their hearts? It’s a collective effort and not a “religious” or “governmental” effort only.
Breathe, Nikki.
I walked nature’s path today with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions but, as I observed nature itself, I felt a sense of “peace that surpasses (all of my) understanding” of the time I am alive in. “What a time to be alive!” my dad said last year in the middle of a pandemic. I wondered why he said that. He explained it’s a time for faith and hope. I thought about that on my walk. “What a time to be alive!” A time to offer hope, encouragement, solutions, and change.
I’ve been pretty busy. I crochet and it’s that season of festivals and holidays. I wanted to check in and show you some of my work. I hope all is well with you! I had a show last week and it was a success. I have a show this week and I believe it will be a success as well.
I share my lessons in hopes that it will help someone else along the journey.
Ugh, Nikki. Listen to your intuition. Again. Listen to your intuition.
I didn’t make the right decision. “Make the next best decision.”- Oprah Winfrey
Oil and water can mix…when you shake it violently. This is not a recommended blend for IMPORTANT areas in relationships. Hence, the whole equally yoked thingy (superseding you both must be Christian concept).
The lack of preparation and organization are detrimental to your business and your finance. Do not have to learn this lesson again.
Just say no as many times as you need to family drama and church drama. I did good in this area.
A person can block your pipeline of flow and ease. You may think they are blessing you by giving you things or doing things for you but, when they bring you an equal dose of unhappiness and havoc it’s not worth it. Once they’re gone, more water can get through. A river but, not if you have to remove “dams” every day.
I had a hell of a Tuesday. I had two huge financial hits. The person I was dating “ghosted” me. In retrospect, that should not have been part of the bad day. It is a blessing that he moved on! AND THAT is part of the beautiful harvest I want to speak to you about today.
My response to these things were so phenomenal, I was in disbelief. I didn’t have a melt-down. Anxiety didn’t ramp up and depression didn’t creep in. I was upset. I did briefly think, “What am I going to do about my finances? I was trying to save. God that was 75% of my SAVINGS!!!” But seemingly immediately after those feelings manifesting as thoughts popped up, they were met by a voice (thought), “It’s okay Nicole. God will take care of your financial situation. It will be replaced and built up so much more. Do not worry. More money is on the way to you. Money you will manifest, money owed to you, and money you never expected. It is okay,” I did cry. I felt terrible because part of the reason one of the expenses occurred is because I forgot about it. I shed some tears because I was in the process of building my savings back up. But when you think about it, I purchased a home this year. I had some home repair expenses. I had some car repair expenses. I took a much needed and deserved vacation.
I don’t regret any of those things. I am appreciative of the fact I had the money to do those things considering my financial standing. So, to settle my emotions I kept repeating, “It’s okay. It’s alright. Things always work out for my good.” We must remember in times like these, “I am one with the Creator. In the Creator or God, or whatever your name is for the Divine, there is no lack, shortage, or insufficiency.”
I feel as if my response to all three situations in a time span of hours was a beautiful harvest of seeds sown for years. It felt like something took root and blossomed at the same time. You may recall some of the blogs I wrote previously about intuition, clarity, and so forth. The Spirit (Holy Spirit) was guiding me all along. I heeded the voice to not put too much stock into that relationship and to hold back to SEE if things could be worked out. I needed to wait to see if our differences could merge. Obviously, they cannot. And I am okay.
This weekend was supposed to be one spent with the guy I was dating but, life had other plans. Some family came from Illinois and we went to Mississippi to visit my brother’s grave site. He transitioned this year from Covid. That was a rough moment for them and some of my other siblings. But after that, it was nothing but love, laughter, and creating memories. My dad, a retired pastor, preached an incredible sermon from St. John 14, “Another Friend”. It was indeed a anointed message. Our guests went with us to a Trunk or Treat. We had a blast. Then dinner and conversations. Visiting other family and breakfast together before they left Monday morning. WHEW.
I am tired. I really had a rough night last night with insomnia and Rheumatoid Disease pain. Yet, it was worth the pain to spend time with family. I can rest this evening.
“Maybe if you weren’t so closed off and boxed in, you could just enjoy the moment.” He said.
I won’t tell you what proceeded this statement because it may not be embarrassing to the person but, it is definitely embarrassing to me. I got over the embarrassment quickly because the words “closed off and boxed in” is what cut me deep. Why? I am glad you asked.
I was very shy growing up. I also grew up in a home that was more reserved based on Christianity and simply being taught manners that went beyond “Yes ma’am and No sir.” We were taught how to conduct ourselves in public to the best of my parents ability. And there were certain things I learned on my own and through others throughout my life in certain settings and culturally. Some things I learned by error and embarrassment. There are things I had to “unlearn” but also continue to do. In some countries, eating with your hands in considered a loving thing to do. It’s connecting with food. For the African American, the colonizers deemed many of our practices “uncivilized” instead of simply different culturally. Funny how this thought pattern continues to foster in American thinking.
Back to “closed off and boxed in” and why it deeply hurt my feelings. Growing up in a diverse neighborhood (different financial statuses and classes of people) and going to different schools outside of my neighborhood, often got me labeled as, “stuck up” and later relabeled as “bougie”. My natural shyness and quietness didn’t help. I never was a wild child in the sense of being adventurous like skipping school, doing drugs, or fighting. I never cared for loudness as it was often too loud in my home with complaints and arguing. BUT it was also loud with laughter and sibling shenanigans. I also grew up in a loving, protective, and caring neighborhood.
But many times in school and in other neighborhoods, in other family dynamics (cousins), I was often told I was too shy. Too quiet. Too stuck up. Too bougie. I must think I am all that. I must think I am better than everyone else. I often wondered “What did I do?” “What did I do wrong?” I could never understand what was so wrong about being who I was. Let me tell you as I am sure you must know, it’s still the same way in adulthood. A few years ago I was told by a classmate, “I was too quiet for her.” Well guess what? “She’s too loud for me” but, I never said that to her because I allow her to be who she is. I just want the same respect. Some people are loud. Some people are quiet. It is who they are. They did nothing wrong.
But when you start to tell me that poor manners, lack of respect for others feelings and space, being obnoxiously loud and rude, that not caring about people’s property, or not having self respect for yourself and others is being “closed off and boxed in”, bougie, stuck up, well I vehemently disagree. If you tell me that because I am unwilling to bungie jump, I am not adventurous enough, then screw you. It’s more about my level of adventure and risk. I have been told I am not spontaneous because I didn’t want to take the road less traveled into some dark deep woods. I am spontaneous. Just not venture off into “don’t go there because it’s not safe for Americans” spontaneous.
It hurt my feelings because it made me feel as if something was wrong with me. Weird because you try new foods and cultures. Weird. Because you’re a black girl that paints abstract art. Weird because you want to attend things other than movies and chain restaurants. Weird. You’re black and you enjoy…history. Weird. You only have ONE child. It hurt my feelings because I felt rejected.
I really had to work at NOT feeling so hurt about what was said to me and my “sensitive ass” as that has also been said to me. I guess they never considered they may be an “insensitive ass”.
You are weird = You are unique. One of a kind.
You are closed off and boxed in = You are sophisticated.
You are too quiet = I am too quiet for you. I am me. I like quiet.
You are not adventurous/spontaneous enough = “to you”. You for got to add, to you.
You are bougie = Yes. I am “hood” and “classy”. Yes. I have been exposed to things, places, cultures, outside of my immediate neighborhood. Yes. I like the finer things in life. Yes, I like a fried bologna sandwich and I also enjoy an upscale fancy smancy restaurant overlooking the city. Yes I may go to war and pray afterwards. You’re welcome.
You are stuck up = Yes. I am sometimes prim and proper. I know how to conduct myself in many circles. I am diverse. I eat with silverware. I’ll eat with my hands in cultures where that is the norm. I don’t pile my plate up at buffets because it’s a buffet and I can always go back and get more. I don’t do loud and public drunkenness (okay maybe in Vegas lol). I think about my attire and if it’s appropriate for the occasion. Yes. I am stuck up.
I don’t think I am better than anyone else. They probably just “think” that I “think” I am better than others based on their own feelings of inadequacies or perceived thoughts about me because I do things different. Perception of yourself and how a few see you doesn’t matter if their perception contradicts who you are. Am I friendly? By enlarge, yes. Am I loving? By enlarge, yes. Am helpful? By enlarge, yes. So, DON’T forgive me if I am sensitive to the needs and feelings of others, don’t get loud in quiet settings, don’t pick my teeth at the table with a straw, slaps bones (play dominoes) at the cookout but, will try croquet at Martha’s Vineyard, drink sweet tea from a mason jar and turn my pinky finger up with tea and tea cakes. Please, DON’T forgive me if I try my best to do right and improve myself. I love me some me.
There is provision on the journey, on the path of life. It may not seem like it but, it is. There are wide open spaces to make mistakes, to play, to explore. There are narrow paths that squeezes things into you and squeezes things out of you. There are places to rest and recoup. (The benches along this path).
There are hills. The challenges are not the hills. The challenges are the doubts and fears in you. Challenge them and win.
There is water (saw a fountain) on the journey. Oh water is sooooooooo good. Water is wisdom. Water is encouragement and enlightenment. Water helps cleanse your body and nourishes your soul. Water is on the journey. You can find water in books, in church, in a mosque, among friends, and with spiritual leaders. Did you know you are 70% water? It’s in you!
There is a playground. Oh yes. On the journey you are suppose to have fun. Play. Laugh. Make friends. Find friends. On the journey, you are to play!
Thank you for the sun. Thank you for the moon. Thank you for the trees. Thank you for the rain. Thank you for fresh fruits and veggies. Thank you for a sound mind. Thank you for the ability to see, talk, walk, feel, and taste. Thank you for breath. Thank you for this life. Thank you for my blessings.
Nikki's Confetti Life 