It’s important to know when you need space and to take it. You need to know when you’ve reached your limits. You need to recognize when your cup is empty and you need a refill. And sometimes that refill is for you and only you.
I need space. I want to relinquish my roles, responsibilities, and titles. I don’t want to answer anyone about anything. “I don’t know and I don’t care.” I would love to say that. “Figure it out yourself or get someone else” sounds good, too. I’d like to tell the inconsiderate people to buzz off. Buzz is not the word I want to use. Yes. I need space.
I need space before I have a meltdown, a blow up. I need space before I have some sort of physical malfunction. I need space before I become totally depressed. I need space. I need space. I need space.
I need to be called, ma’am or Queen. I need to be told, “Our pleasure” and not by Chick-fil-A. I need room service. I need spa services. I “DARN” sure need to be chauffeured everywhere. I need a live band. I need turn down services. I need to be asked, “Is there anything else we can do for you?”. I need the arts. I need to be prayed over in an ancestorial spiritual kind of way. And when I return, I return with bolder boundaries, consequences, rules, and regulations about how NICOLE will be treated from here on out.
I need space and I am going to take it. I am going to take it in a grand way.
“You think you’re better then everyone else!” They said.
“Why do you say that?” I replied.
“Because you just do!” They said.
“You’re still not telling me HOW I am better than you or WHY you think that?” I replied.
This particular person never gave me a clear answer. But, through revelation via Spirit, I figured it out. However there were some that gave me vague answers as this wasn’t the first time I had heard this. Vague answers like, “You’re too quiet. You don’t do anything “wrong”. You are not like us.” So, because I don’t talk loud or I am mostly quiet by nature, I think I am better than them. Because I don’t smoke cigarettes or weed, I think I am better than them. Because I was raised different, not better, just different, I think I am better than them. Because I enjoy the Bible, the Word of God, spirituality, always trying to do right or good, I think I am better than them. Because I mostly stayed out of trouble, I think I am better than them. Because I got good grades, got a little education, I think I am better than them. And the rediculous list continues.
I believe most people don’t think they are better than you and I do think there are some that do! However, you may want to check your REASONING and RATIONALE and RELATIONSHIP with that person to make sure it’s not YOUR OWN INSECURITIES SHOWING UP. You may be just ASSuming a person thinks they are better than you when in fact they are just DIFFERENT by personality or upbringing and life experiences. They may not enjoy being around drunkeness because they grew up in a home where being drunk brought out the worst in a parent. They don’t think they are better than you. They may not be into drugs because of their religion or they hate smoke because it bothers their allergies or they can’t tolerate the smell. Doesn’t mean they think they are better than you. Perhaps you two took different career paths, they needed a degree or certification to be a nurse or teacher. Doesn’t mean they think they are better than you because you drive a truck and enjoy it.
Question your thoughts. Questions your feelings. In families, you have parents telling children that other relatives think “they are better than us because they have a big house and nice car.” Those children grow up thinking those relatives really think they are better than them and it’s really based on their parents’ insecurities and envy. Yes, you may just be jealous. Some children grow up mad at their cousins or half siblings because they had a better living situation or material things than they did. Imagine, you are an adult and still upset that your half brother grew up in a nice home with two parents when that half brother did’t have anything to do ( I want to say sh– t to do with) with what your parents or their parents did with their lives, careers, and incomes.
I grew up in a neighborhood with blue collar workers and white collar workers. I grew up in a neighborhood where two block away there was low income family homes. When we were children I recognized early on that some people had really nice homes that were bigger and better than mine. I also recognized that some of my friends and family were barely getting by. In some homes, no matter the size, there was love and in some no matter the size, type of car, there were some bad situations. I don’t ever remeber being mistreated by friends that had more and those that had less. We just wanted to play. Spending the night was different at everyone’s house. Sometimes breakfast was made by the parent in the house and other times, my friends or cousins would cook breakfast for us. I just wanted to eat and didn’t care if it was served on fine china or chinette paper plates!
I’m done with explaining to people who are bent on misunderstanding me. I am DIFFERENT. They can deal with it because I already have. I already have accepted the fact that I am not like others. We all are unique and that needs to be recognized and appreciated. I never was really loud or wild but, that doesn’t make me think I am better than anyone. I grew up in a two parent home but, I don’t think I am better than others that didn’t have both parents at home. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors of the houses you drive by. I am a single parent. Proudly and unaplogetically. So, with that being said, those of us that are different from you, with different experiences, different educational levels, etc. for the most part aren’t walking around with our noses in the air. Get to know someone and appreciate the differences and embrace the commonalities. And question your own thoughts and feelings.
Plan it. Do it. Discipline. Via time with God, I discovered my problem is, my root problem is a lack of confidence that stems from childhood. I was made to feel that nothing I did was good enough or right. None of the choices I made were the best or right per one of my parents. Although I have worked diligently through this there is still residuals of it that seep out in little ways. This is why I always say you will be working on yourself the entire time you are here. How on earth will you find time to fix, correct, and criticize everyone else “if” you are busy working on yourself.
Via God/Spirit: I tell you this; DO IT. Do your work and expect errors. Expect people not to like it or to like you but, you don’t have to be defensive about who and what people like. You don’t like certain people and you don’t like what they are talking about, teaching about, speaking of and the difference is you have learned that you don’t have to voice or write that unless what they are saying is filled with hate. I am not of hate, division, or things of that energy. And even then, you need to know when to speak and when not to.
Via God/Spirit: See mistakes as teachers and tools to help you grow. Ah, you are embarrassed and ashamed when you make mistakes. Yet, you always defend and tell others it’s okay if they make mistakes. You don’t give yourself the same grace and mercy. I know. It was never okay for you to make mistakes. And when you did, boy were you ever ridiculed merciless at times. Give yourself the same grace and mercy you give others. I gave you grace and mercy then, now, and in the future. Release that thinking. Let’s work on that.
Here is where I take notes of lessons and reminders of the month for myself. Although I believe the majority of my lessons and reminders were learned last week as I shared in last Sunday Coffee musings (link below) there were still a few things I learned/remembered this month.
Stop trying to explain yourself to people that are committed to misunderstanding you.
“That will do” for some concerning the home and environment but for me I need neat surroundings outside and inside. Some people cut their yards and some people like to cut and beautify their yards. I am the latter.
To some people, even the things they don’t like or care about will become a competition because you like it, care about it, or are doing it. How sad to be them.
Keep saying NO to what you don’t want until what you do want shows up. This includes dating.
I found contentment in the little “big” things like sitting on my porch on a breezy afternoon and organizing my pantry/laundry room. Also, tossing out things and organizing my craft room. (Still working on that).
And because they made decisions, ideas flowed to them. Solutions came to them. Creativity flowed from them. All of this came to them, from Source and sources (like angels, dreams, people, ancestors, etc.) to help them achieve their goals. They are assisted in the manifestation of their dreams and visions and desires BECAUSE THEY MADE A CHOICE.
They are willing to be temporarily uncomfortable to achieve their goals. (Are you willing to be uncomfortable to achieve your goals?). Then make decisions about your life! And refrain from indecision. You belong in the ranks of those that make decisions and those that have learned to make right decisions.
Reference: The Power of Right Decision Making by Charles Raymond Barker
As long as you underestimate yourself you won’t succeed in life. Never judge yourself on what you have done. Judge yourself on what you will do! Every person living has made mistakes. As soon as you start to compare your mistakes with others, you lose. You are now judging yourself or them and I just said, judge yourself on what you will do! Not what you have done!
Reference: The Power of Decision Making by Charles Raymond Barker
Last week was a week for the books. I held my 4th Woman emPowered Up Conference online and according to the numbers, it was a flop. My speakers were top notch. The very last night no one showed up and it was my turn to speak. I recorded the talk and then my daughter came on as I was wrapping it up. The challenge wasn’t remaining satisfied with being obedient and going forth, I didn’t care about the numbers as if I needed numbers to validate me or the conference. If that is the case, then why was I so sadden? Why was I angry?
I didn’t even know I was angry until I did a heart chakra guided meditation and it spoke about being angry. This is when Spirit spoke to me and said you are angry. I knew I was sad but angry? Let me figure out why I was sad first and then I will figure out why I am angry. I continued to do meditation. I did yoga while listening to music for the heart chakra. As I was doing yoga, I got these messages:
You are sad because you wanted people to receive the valuable information you had to give. You wanted more people to share your passion of wisdom and knowledge with. And for this you will be blessed.
You are angry that your family and friends didn’t show up but, you should not be angry with them. You can’t always be there for them, remember? And they can’t always be there for you. Extend to them the same grace and mercy you extend to yourself. Give them the same understanding and compassion.
It feels good to no longer be in love with a person that was never in love with me.
It feels good to file them in the proper category. Associate. Everything and everyone in their proper place.
In order for me to make a clean break from a relationship, entanglement (on and off again), I first begin the process of emotionally disconnecting BEFORE I leave. I write down everything said or did that affected me so that I can REMEMBER why I need to leave. I read it every day or anytime I think about staying, continuing, or prolonging the inevitable. Once I am ready, I make a clean break. There are no emotions or no significant emotions to pull me back in. I figured this out years ago.
It’s time to practice work-life balance. I don’t have to prove to people what I do is important.
Self-love is a lifelong practice.
Life goes on…and it gets better for me! (Is what I now say instead of the “life goes on” part).
It’s okay if they don’t like or love you. It’s not okay if you are still there trying to make them.
Get them out of your system (by fasting from contact and conversation) because their way of liking you and loving you was poison.
Self-respect is a form of self-love. Don’t lose your self-respect in the name of love. I did. I have.
You will not always get to decide when things end and sometimes things will end abruptly. It’s okay for emotions to be all over the place. However, with time determined by you, you will find your footing. Emotions will settle and you will be able to see and think clearly. Then you will gain the power of decision. A decision to decide how you will respond to the ending.
February was CHOCK full of LESSONS. WHEW! (Heavy eyeroll)
Notes from Orange Beach: I have regrets. I regret inviting my guest.
Notes from Orange Beach: Every sunrise and sunset are different and it never gets old.
Notes from Orange Beach: Stingrays and their symbology are me. The Stingray spirit animal symbolizes maneuverability. … The Stingray meaning speaks about sensitivity, and the need to blend into your environment create peace and harmony. You don’t always need to react to situations, because sometimes it’s better to step back and not engage.
Receiving a surprise bouquet of flowers for Valentine’s Day felt amazing
Witnessing the death of my oldest brother was devasting and heart wrenching. At that moment what did I feel? I felt that it was over. I felt that it was his will because he was suffering tremendously. Lesson: His will, the will of the person ill, be done and not my will.
Grief can severely affect others to the point it becomes unhealthy. It becomes an obsession. It’s best to go to grief counseling if it gets to this point.
While we all experience grief in different ways, the burden is easier to carry when you understand death. We are spirits. We are not our bodies.