My 2020 Recap

I admit I have had my 2020 bashing fits. Who hasn’t? And in the last post I was inspired to talk about what one has birthed in 2020 to focus on and not so much as what one has buried. Challenging I am sure.

In this post I want to highlight my growth and share my favorite moments of 2020. I choose to remember the life and light of two dear people lives that have transformed from their physical bodies to their spiritual bodies. They changed clothes in a sense from the seen to the unseen. One is engraved in my memory as a childhood brother and the first best friend of my brother. The other is engraved in my mind as the one my brother trusted and bonded with as second best friend, a brother, in the beginning of his law enforcement career. A soul that was his ace and knowing my brother had a good friend he could trust and count on made me happy. I remember life, love, and brotherhood.

My Growth

I grew spiritually. Every morning for about 40 weeks of this year my daughter and I have had breakfast each morning listening to Iyanla Vanzant’s Viral Messages Live on YouTube or Facebook Live. It blessed, uprooted, confirmed, and expanded my soul. I am forever changed into more of who I truly am on this spiritual journey. It also deepened the bond between mother and daughter as we shared breakfast, thoughts, and notes. I watched my daughter have her AH HA moments. I also took a leap of faith and had my first one day conference for women. It took courage because i deviated from the tradition of Christianity, Church, and Denomination and went with the flow in which I was created to go. It was so freeing and terrifying at the same time!

I am growing as a parent. My parenting style is changing and evolving. It has been a challenge and a rocky journey. I often have to deal with my own insecurities that produce anxiety and depression. I battle fiercely to not only keep my head above water but, to be on the boat and navigating the ship (my mind).

I grew as a micro business owner. I attempted to take free online classes. Due to my illness, I now have difficulty learning. What I did retain by writing down, I used when I created a website and marketed my business. I hope to have more funding to promote it and to expand it. I hope to make it a LLC. I took a risk with a virtual vending opportunity. I learned that I do better vending in person but, I did gain some exposure. I also broke slightly over even. I am grateful for that.

I grew mentally (matured) in my way of thinking and dealing with losses or disconnections. Four times this year I thought I had a suitable mate. However, each one disconnected for various reasons and the last one is the one that really got to me. I see it as the Universe, God, telling me that this was NOT the year to make those kinds of connections. It was not the time. The greatest lesson from the last one was to learn to let love go for a greater love. Let what is leaving, leave. Let what has been planted grow and manifest.

I grew healthier by learning how to control by diabetes better. After taking a 3 day diabetes class it changed my entire perspective on managing it. I learned that I can eat just about anything but, it all comes down to carbs and portion control. My A1C went from 13. 8? to 6.2. I still have work to do. However, it was a victory to me!

I sure hope our ride for 2021 is an actual ride versus the train wreck this one has been. However, it has brought to us the BIGGEST lessons and HOPE the majority of us SEE them. I hope we EMBRACE the lessons and APPLY them to our lives from here on out.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Clean Slate

Photo of the Mississippi River and Sun by Nicole Jackson

Now is the time to empty yourself of all of the negative energy, trauma, and drama. Why? Because Winter really is coming. The Winter Solstice, or the First Day of Winter is December 21. In order for us to have winter, the Earth and the Sun must shift and we should follow suit. These are the signs in the sky the Bible and other books speak about. Often times in Christianity we ignore these things although, the Bible speaks of and suggests we pay attention and seek the deeper things of God.

It will be a time, on that day, we will experience the longest period of darkness and the shortest period of light. Now is the time to understand and to sit with your own darkness. None of us are all light. We have parts of us that need work, that we hide from others (or think we do) and ways that manifest itself in public. I’m talking about our ugly and our weaknesses. These things are like our shadows that follow us around even in the light and seem to disappear into the dark. They disappear as we ignore them or we push them down into the subconscious. We pretend we don’t see them or it’s not there or make excuses.

It is time to sit with your darkness because when the light comes, the season changes, and it will be time to move forward WITHOUT all of the baggage from the dark. It will be time to do a new thing and to have a CLEAN SLATE all the way around, in every area. So what good will it do for you if you drag your baggage of darkness with you onto a clean slate? It will do you NO GOOD! It’s time to do some shadow work.

The ENERGY if winter is about going within. Are you ready to go within and to do the work? Are you ready to face your darkness, understand it, so that you can walk in the fullness and greatness of who you are? Understand your sadness, anger, meanness, uncomfortable feelings about yourself and others. Face the residual emotions of the divorce, failed relationships. Explore your connection between your behaviors, reactions, in connection with your childhood. Go within. Don’t worry about what THEY are doing or what THEY did. This is your path through darkness into the light that awaits us. Call it enlightenment or a spiritual awakening but, neither one can happen with darkness. Welcome the dark (the unknown, the knowing it’s not right, the negative feelings, emotions, and behaviors. The ignorance (not knowing). Bring it on fear! Get ready to work! It’s the way to light.

I’ll share with you one of my shadows I want to address. It is the one that gravitates towards the emotionally unavailable (sometimes emotionally unstable) relationships. I have been shrinking this shadow for years. But now I want to get rid of it for good! It’s not as dominant as it use to be. It use to hold on to the pain and suffering those relationships offered. It mimicked the pain in suffering of childhood. While I now seem to be able to avoid and detect these traits, I am still appalled at the fact that I still attract these people. So the work is what is it in me that is leftover. What are residual thoughts and emotions I need to address and heal?

SO there. I let you in on one of my shadows. It took courage. It took vulnerability. You can’t have success without either one.

~Nikki

Relationship Confetti: Working Through Brokenness

Imagine cruising and all the lights are green. Your hair, if you have any, blowing in the wind. It’s a sunny and mild type of day. And then, all of sudden, out of the blue you are blindsided. Your car is slammed and spinning out of control with you in it. It stops and you are in complete shock and disoriented.

I got my heart broke last week and this is exactly how I felt and I am still feeling it. I haven’t been hurt like that in so long I didn’t know what hit me. I have to pause writing this because the break is deep and it hurts like hell. I know that in time I will heal. I mean, I have been here before. However, it’s unpleasant this healing process. I have grown in so many ways because instead of it having me down for weeks or days, I have learned to press and push through. Even if I have to cry while doing it. Crying is cleansing and if the hurt is deep it has to be cleansed in this manner to wash away the pain.

I get up. I work. i create. I parent. I inspire. I keep it real. I keep it honest. I reveal what I want to the masses and the rest stays between me and my Creator.

I’ve also grown in this way: I know who I am. I know my character, values, morals, so much so that I WILL NOT spend too much time, IF any at all trying to prove a thought or judgement wrong about me or trying to dispel a falsehood. This is GROWTH for me. I won’t even do this with the people I love. I’ve got friends, family, and even exes that will vouch for me but, if a person has made up their ragged mind, it’s nothing I (you) can do about it. Except, move on. See link below…

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Mountains Behind Mountains

Me: Wow, God. There are mountains behind the mountains and in front of the mountains. I couldn’t see that on the first day even when there weren’t as many clouds.

God: And you can see even more mountains when it’s a clear and sunny day.

Me: They are beautiful. Majestic.

God: Yes. Your life is.

Me: You’re trying to show me and tell me something.

God within: Right & Write. Mountains Behind Mountains. What’s Your Range of Mountains? Mountains made beautiful. Mountains reflect the “Sun” and the “Son”. What you’ve been through. What you’ve learned. They are your pain and sorrow but ALSO your victory and your hopes for tomorrow. Some lower. Some higher. Some wider. Some smooth. Some rockier than others. I’ll hide your other mountains to get you to focus on a particular mountain. I’ll lift clouds a little to remind you that you can persevere. I’ll let you see the mountains on a wet and cold day to remind you that if it weren’t for the mountains, you’d be much colder. I know just how much to reveal. I’ll show you on a bright, clear sky day, all that you’ve made it through thus far in this life time and make those mountains reflect your greatness. Your strength. Your power. Your glory. Your dignity. Your reign. Your divinity. Your dominion. How you rose up from beneath the foundation through turmoil and stood mightily. Over and over and over, again and again.

Breathe.


~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Peace & Protection

In my country, it’s election month. But in actuality it’s been election year 24 hours and 7 days a week. I wish there were no political ads or news on Saturdays and Sundays on any outlet. This is the fourth very important presidential election I have lived through along with a pandemic. There have been times I have “hated it here” and by here I don’t mean the country. I mean the “atmosphere” of hatred. The stench of lies and putrefied pride of many. I have been stumped at the ignorance and outright stupidity of people that otherwise, have an education and the ability to research, not google truth.

However, it needed to happen. All of it. It’s not a game of mercy. It’s a reaping of seeds sown. It’s a GREAT FALL that has come after the PRIDE. I wonder if we will be getting up from the hog pin or nope…just getting started rolling around in the mud. And even if we do get up, slowly, surely, the survey of the damage done…unfathomable. Progress takes a long time but, destruction takes seconds, minutes, days, a bill here, a policy here, or an appointment there. In the Bible, they wanted a king and God gave them Saul. They cried. No. It wasn’t tears of joy.

During this HADES of election month, because it will not be determined the next day, I have decided to take refuge in the God I serve and solitude in the things and people I love. I will preserve my mental health and my emotional well-being. I will utilize every tool from therapy and therapy itself. There will be prayer and meditation and yoga. Fire round me. Glory in the midst. There will peace in this house.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: What’s Calling Me

What’s calling me isn’t church pews this morning or a Sunday morning “preach at” or struggle sermon. What is calling me is meditation, coffee, nature, the beach, fresh strawberries, and some way to express my thoughts and emotions. A good soul message is calling me. One that I can resonate with. Some yoga is calling me to the mat. Water is calling me.

The heart is yearning for a twin flame and soul mate wrapped into one but, spirit is saying patience. And by patience it could be days, months, and more years. Exactly how to be at peace with that is a challenge. You have to move forward with dreams and goals and life moves forward with or without you. This is fairly easy for some and not so easy for us lovers and romantics but, it is what it is. The heart is calling and the spirit is waiting.

Goals and dreams are calling to be written and carried out. The next step is blinking like a cursor on a blank page. It feels like a demand. The hows and whys for a person like me with anxiety and depression floating around make it very challenging to get it done or to do it in spite of feelings. I have to work around or press on and believe me that is tiring. I wish I had some help other than Spirit. I mean I wish I had support in the form of a mate. I am just doing what I do when I say that. I am sharing the private thoughts of some of us single people. Please, don’t try to correct us or redirect us. Not today. It’s our honesty that needs to be expressed and examined by us.

I don’t know where I am going today but, I do know where I am not going and what I am not doing. I do have to do a better job at communicating this to others who are making demands on a life and time that do not belong to them.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Hold Please

Smokey Row in Oskaloosa, Iowa

Wednesday we headed up to Iowa to visit extended family and my nephew. We spent half of our time in Oskaloosa and the other half in Cedar Rapids. Today we are on our way back home to Memphis, TN. I’m always excited when I get to travel and when it’s to certain places because of what it offers. Although, traveling to me has been a challenge since Rheumatoid and Fibromyalgia, I still enjoy it. Some places offer shopping, outlet malls, great places to eat, all forms of entertainment from concerts, plays, and museums to live sporting events. There’s the party atmosphere, site seeing, and adventures to get into. And some places, I look forward to simply do much of nothing while gaining much. Oskaloosa is one of those places. A very small town with character. Here I gain perspective, introspection and seem to re-center easily.

I don’t know many who would pick this place or many who have heard of it but, there are numerous of hidden gems and sanctuaries of peace and quiet all over the earth including the United States. What I like about visiting with my brother, his extended family that became mine is the way it pulls you into a slowed down way of life almost immediately. There is no business to take care of and there is no busyness. There is no party to get dressed up for and not a stitch of make up needed. I was in my jeans and 49ers T-shirts every day. There is no hustle and bustle of city life, malls, and outlets. But there are thrifts stores and consignment shops to take your time (my brother may disagree) to stroll and sift through. There is no real agenda or itinerary. We eat with our family and after most meals we play a board game. We sit and watch sports. We have silly and meaningful conversations. We try to put puzzles together that are on a board (I rarely have luck with that.)

The one thing I really enjoyed this time is that I wasn’t obligated to anyone. I was too far away to hear or care about the drama and nonsense of church business, power trips, and antics. I am just being as honest as always and exercising MY decision to be transparent for helpful purposes. It’s okay to be tired of religious STUFF and the business of it. I felt free while I was away and now that I am back, I still feel free. In this small town, I felt off the grid and kept my social media to a minimum. I like being in my room in their house on a comfy bed of quilts with a big tree to gaze at in the day and opened blinds with the moonlight seeping through at night. I liked existing without millions of things to do. It was like an extension of a Saturday evening from my childhood for three days.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Life Building Blocks

When I was younger (because I am still young!), I use to abhor hearing the words, “It’s going to be alright or okay.” Why? It wasn’t comforting to me at those stages of my life. For one, I couldn’t see how. For example, how could being talked about, made fun of, and being bullied ever be okay if I had to go back to school the next day? I couldn’t imagine how things could possibly get better if I had to go to school until I was 18 and people would do this to me in the 2nd grade! I had a long way to go I thought. I had no understanding, perception of HOW! It’s going to be okay.

I couldn’t get past what I was feeling easily. As a child, teen, young adult I was feeling things I hadn’t felt before or something entirely new. A heartbreak. A heartache. A death. A disappointment. Are these things going to keep happening? I feel deeply many things. Maybe your feelings go 2 inches into the heart but, mine probably go 10 inches in. You’re not thinking about the clerk that got an attitude with you by the time you get home. I am still thinking about it the next day. Don’t tell me it’s going to be okay, tell me you know how it feels. It’s going to be alright.

I couldn’t see how because I had not lived long enough yet to gain the many more or similar experiences that would surely come. Many even greater than a junior high school crush breaking your heart and many NEW ones that would knock me off my feet or onto my knees. I had not lived long enough yet to LIVE through these things. AND it would take many more years to understand that just having more experiences without gaining understanding of self and others is the reason many still don’t understand or like hearing, “It will be okay.”

Life building blocks such as faith, trust, understanding, knowledge of self, others, and your beliefs come through living and experiencing life. I did not truly know it was going to be okay until I lived through it by days, months, and years. I did not know that it was going to be alright, until I was in fact, alright. I guess, when I now see others going through things and I am the one that has to comfort or lift up, I try to at first acknowledge their bewilderment of how and why and feelings.

When talking to those who have been through so much and so many things over and over, I try to help them to see the knowledge gain, the insight of self and others, to help them shape their hurt into healing and their knowledge into wisdom and their wisdom into stepping stones or rocks to lean on in the future because there is more to come. If we live this life haphazardly, in the shadows of others, or with defining and redefining it for ourselves, we will never gain some stability. One of the many ways we learn is by repetition, here a little, there a little, and situation after situation. We even learn by the mistakes and mishaps of others if we so choose.

These building blocks of life are already in us when we arrive in this earth. We come into awareness of them and then we use them to build our lives. Therefore, offering us the stability we so much need in a volatile environment.

~Nikki

“Whom shall he teach knowledge? And whom shall he make to understand doctrine? Them that are weaned from the milk and drawn from the breasts.

10 For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept, line upon line, line upon line, here a little and there a little.”

Isaiah 28:9-10

Hello September Day 2 of Vacation

WHY?

Why did I decide to take a month long vacation? And no, it’s not a vacation it’s to one of my dream locations like Costa Rica. It’s not a paid vacation. It’s not a vacation away from my city. It’s not even a stay-cation. It’s time away from church. Church. Not God. Church.

I was being pulled into, sucked into, staying on board when I really wanted to leave. I knew my time was up. But, because I felt “sorry” for the person I stayed on. They are in over their head because they are in a position they forced their way into. I need to finish this year strong and I can’t do that when I am in a place and space I don’t belong. Plus, it’s stressful and I don’t enjoy the atmosphere.

WHAT?

What do I plan to do? Well, because I understand numbers and I have relationship with my Creator, I have a clue as to what needs to be done for me personally. Yet, I stay flexible for directions and shifts.

Collectively this is a time for turning limitations into strengths. This is a time for getting systems (immune systems, financial systems, spiritual systems (ding ding ding), legal systems) and the (further) expansion of mind. And much more. If you want a Biblical reference (some of you are like, “No, I don’t” 😀 ) Then the passage I was given was Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8. So, we are talking fluff or fu-fu. We are talking energy, time, sign of the times, things in the sky that God put there. But, that’s another in depth study you can do on your own. P.S. We are entering into a season of flu virus and Covid hasn’t disappeared so really hone in on boosting/helping your immune system out and body by eating properly and physical activity. Operate in wisdom.

Personally, this time for me (based on my life path number, other numbers, coupled with a relationship with my God) is about introspection and assessing the self knowledge I have gained thus far this year. It’s about looking at where I am and what changes I need to make or table. It’s about preparation for next year. Yes, next year. It’s also a time for me to see if there is anything I can celebrate. I feel behind because I have been caught up in church business and not my Father’s business for my life.

With that being said, I need not beat myself up, go into depression, or increase my anxiety. Of course, that will be a battle of the mind and emotions. I have to ground myself constantly. It is what it is BUT, all is not lost or wasted. It’s time for what I KNOW to become WHO I AM. It’s as a great modern day philosopher, teacher, Moojiji says, “It’s where knowledge becomes not what you know but, what you do, how you are, being.” You can know scriptures, quotes, texts, and spew them. You can know right from wrong. You can know what you “should” do. But if what you know doesn’t become WHO you are and WHAT you do, if it doesn’t become more than knowledge, you will never become all that you already are.

~Nikki

God has made everything beautiful in it’s own time.

Hello September: Day 1 of Vacation

Hello September. Our day one of my month long vacation started strangely. The energy in my home this morning seemed “sticky” and “stuffy” and “stale”. I could not seem to get up. As I dozed off again into a dream like state, I felt a really hard push. I opened my eyes and lay there startled! I rolled over but no one was there. I said aloud, “Well, that was rather rude.” Of course I will do research on that later. I got up and got myself together but, still not feeling together. Groggy and foggy I remembered, “Oh, I had some pain last night and tossed a bit through the night and early morning.” I also went to bed very late.

As I did my morning routine, I tried to find peace. Finally, I decided the energy in the home and around me, within me needed to be cleared. I put on a binary beats negative energy cleansing from YouTube. As soon as I did, I heard the buzzing of chain saws. The trees in my backyard were being trimmed. They are still at it. I lit sage and after it burned out down stairs, I lit it for upstairs. I received three phone calls from one person today that did not help the energy about me. However, after that last call, I was able to recenter, and find my peace.

As I was researching, I came across one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Sadhguru. I watched the video which I will leave below. What stood out to me, the lesson MY DAY 1 of Vacation:

PEACE SHOULD NEVER BE THE GOAL IN LIFE. PEACE SHOULD BE A REQUIREMENT FOR LIFE.

I never intended to blog today or to take you on this September Vacation, yet here we are. It was when I turned 30 I made the statement that “A peace of mind is everything to me.” It has taken me over 10 years to prove it. However, I realize today two things: If I would have known that peace should have been a requirement for life, I may have not taken so long to prove it to myself. Two, I must require it not just for relationships but, for the sustainability of my life. For my goals. For my dreams. For my health. For my wealth. The rest of my days. In all I do. Not in a crazy, obsessive, demanding way but, in the same manner I breathe air. Naturally.

Peace should be a requirement, not a goal.

~Nikki

Pathway in the autumn forest