In my country, it’s election month. But in actuality it’s been election year 24 hours and 7 days a week. I wish there were no political ads or news on Saturdays and Sundays on any outlet. This is the fourth very important presidential election I have lived through along with a pandemic. There have been times I have “hated it here” and by here I don’t mean the country. I mean the “atmosphere” of hatred. The stench of lies and putrefied pride of many. I have been stumped at the ignorance and outright stupidity of people that otherwise, have an education and the ability to research, not google truth.
However, it needed to happen. All of it. It’s not a game of mercy. It’s a reaping of seeds sown. It’s a GREAT FALL that has come after the PRIDE. I wonder if we will be getting up from the hog pin or nope…just getting started rolling around in the mud. And even if we do get up, slowly, surely, the survey of the damage done…unfathomable. Progress takes a long time but, destruction takes seconds, minutes, days, a bill here, a policy here, or an appointment there. In the Bible, they wanted a king and God gave them Saul. They cried. No. It wasn’t tears of joy.
During this HADES of election month, because it will not be determined the next day, I have decided to take refuge in the God I serve and solitude in the things and people I love. I will preserve my mental health and my emotional well-being. I will utilize every tool from therapy and therapy itself. There will be prayer and meditation and yoga. Fire round me. Glory in the midst. There will peace in this house.
Hello September. Our day one of my month long vacation started strangely. The energy in my home this morning seemed “sticky” and “stuffy” and “stale”. I could not seem to get up. As I dozed off again into a dream like state, I felt a really hard push. I opened my eyes and lay there startled! I rolled over but no one was there. I said aloud, “Well, that was rather rude.” Of course I will do research on that later. I got up and got myself together but, still not feeling together. Groggy and foggy I remembered, “Oh, I had some pain last night and tossed a bit through the night and early morning.” I also went to bed very late.
As I did my morning routine, I tried to find peace. Finally, I decided the energy in the home and around me, within me needed to be cleared. I put on a binary beats negative energy cleansing from YouTube. As soon as I did, I heard the buzzing of chain saws. The trees in my backyard were being trimmed. They are still at it. I lit sage and after it burned out down stairs, I lit it for upstairs. I received three phone calls from one person today that did not help the energy about me. However, after that last call, I was able to recenter, and find my peace.
As I was researching, I came across one of my favorite spiritual teachers, Sadhguru. I watched the video which I will leave below. What stood out to me, the lesson MY DAY 1 of Vacation:
PEACE SHOULD NEVER BE THE GOAL IN LIFE. PEACE SHOULD BE A REQUIREMENT FOR LIFE.
I never intended to blog today or to take you on this September Vacation, yet here we are. It was when I turned 30 I made the statement that “A peace of mind is everything to me.” It has taken me over 10 years to prove it. However, I realize today two things: If I would have known that peace should have been a requirement for life, I may have not taken so long to prove it to myself. Two, I must require it not just for relationships but, for the sustainability of my life. For my goals. For my dreams. For my health. For my wealth. The rest of my days. In all I do. Not in a crazy, obsessive, demanding way but, in the same manner I breathe air. Naturally.
All the lovely qualities of peace are to be found in your own being. For there is My Throne, and there do I dwell, ever ready to take you out of a place of confusion into a place of quiet and loveliness. -In His Presence, Eva Bell Werber
How do I stabilize my emotions? Sadhguru says become a mountain. I acknowledge the fluctuation of my emotions. I am responsible for my emotions and my responses. I can neutralize the threat of drama brought on by others by CHOOSING no response, a response in love, or a higher level response. I choose to work through my day focusing and refocusing on the tasks at hand. I choose to unwind this evening doing something I enjoy.
I don’t know what happened last night (Sunday night) but, I was ready for a good night’s sleep. Instead I woke up through the night tossing and turning. In the early hours of the morning I had a strange dream and then I felt pain in my right shoulder down the shoulder blade and in the bicep area. The usual suspect. It was too early in the morning for pain medication because I had things on my To-Do-List and I did not want to oversleep.
When I did wake up, it took me about an hour and a half to get out of the bed. I felt heavy and groggy. I put one foot on the floor, then the other pain shot through my back. And just like that it was gone. I got coffee on, some breakfast on the stove and in the oven. I sat down at the computer to read some emails and I realized that I had no idea what I was reading. I decided to do some other business and it was becoming increasingly difficult to comprehend each sentence. I knew then it was brain fog. This is something I was determined to do today, needed to do and it took me forever to understand what I was doing. Also, reading instructions over and over. This is brain fog. It is mentally exhausting. Draining before you can get on with a productive day. Especially, it involves reading of any kind, comprehension of any information, even if you are just reading for pleasure it’s like, “What did I just read?” It’s not longer pleasure, but a pain in the butt.
My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and my thoughts were trying to get through. I thought I could feel my brain trying to connect the dots and that translates to even conversations seeming difficult. I can hear my self pausing so many damn times I feel and sound stupid. Of course, I know I am not.
“How can I savage this day? How can make the most out of it?” I asked myself. I thought about something Iyanla Vanzant has being saying lately during this pandemic and quarantine, “Instead of fear, why not possibilities?” So, I said to myself, instead of agitation about what I can not do, instead of frustrating the hell of myself with all f the reading, typing, thinking, talking, etc of the day I had planned, why not see what else I can do that does not involve deep concentration. I slather pain cream on my arm to dull the pain. I decide to tidy up my work space,
I finish tidying up my room. I worked on a crochet project. I was able to take care of some other financial business as the evening came around and my mind seem to work better. I got plenty of water down to help. I also did yoga and meditation to help. This is many of our lives with Rheumatoid Arthritis disease (not Arthritis) and Fibromyalgia. We call it RA fog or Fibro fog. Yesterday, I think BOTH were at work. I finally gave in to pain meds tonight. I need a better tomorrow.
“My errors give birth to my knowledge.” -Steps to Knowledge, Marshall Vian Summers
The other morning I was talking to a brother (friend of mine). He called to express his thoughts, feelings, and concern about the societal sickness of America and the World. In the conversation, he said something to me that was enlightening at the time and would become something I was suppose to add to my knowledge “kit”. He said, “You cannot have a conversation with emotions, but you can have a conversation with intellect.”
Three times between Thursday and Saturday, I tried to have a conversation with people that were emotional. As I am typing this, Spirit also made me aware that three times, I backed off and came to the recognition that I was dealing with an emotional person. Three times I became AWARE. Two times I had that hesitation to NOT respond just because I was invited via post or what I saw! I was getting ready to type that I failed, but no. THREE times I became aware and I learned. Practice makes mature. Practice makes growth. Whatever that person was feeling would dominate the conversation. It would be skewed to support their emotion. Backing off is seen as a weakness by the carnal, the fleshy, the ego, and a child like mentality. But knowing when to back off is WISDOM. It’s knowledge. It’s smart. It can save your life, energy, and time. And those are three things you can’t get back (You can get more of them, but that’s another blog).
Cost effective conversations is something I came up with after this happened to help me again Saturday. I need to ask myself is this conversation cost effective? Is it productive as it relates to my time, my energy, and my life? If they have their minds made up, why are we talking? If they are biased about the subject, have some ill will towards a group, why are we talking? If they are telling you from the jump, I am being petty, why engage? They are saying to you, “I am emotional and I am not willing to have a conversation based on intellect. I can’t even harness my emotions to have a conversation balanced with intellect.” This is a waste of my time, my life, my energy. I do not need to engage and if I can recognize this before I even get into a conversation, the better! If not, I at least need to be able to make a U-Turn before I get to far down the road.
What’s down that road? Frustration. Anger. Arguments over nothing that has to do with the main topic. You’ll never be heard or understood with a person that are in their feelings and out of their mind (lol! That was a good one!). You’ll never be heard or understood with a person who has already made up their mind and is not open to listening or understanding. This is where I call Shift into Reverse. Cars have a reverse for a reason and so do conversations. There is no weakness in backing off or up when you realize the road you are on is named Petty or Ignorance is Bliss. Sometimes you may notice a sign that says, Children at Play. Get out of there quickly!!!!
The knowledge that I present to you today has been brought to by my errors on this week. Wisdom will let you know, hence it was that hesitation for me, if there is an opportunity to talk, grow, learn or if you are headed nowhere fast.
And Note: You also can’t have a real productive conversation with someone that lacks the knowledge on a matter. Sometimes people don’t have the education or wisdom to have a conversation about certain things. I mean, I can’t talk to you about calculus or get to deep into a subject on global warming. I know I am limited in those areas. This is where you may hear me say or type: “Hmm. Tell me more.”
Love is in each one of us. You are love and you are loved by the Most High, the Creator, God, the Universe, angels, and ancestors. Yes. I said ancestors. You are a walking living breathing temple, sanctuary, goddess, and your heart is a sacred place. Of course, the temple needs maintenance. We should take care of ourselves. Spa days, manicures and pedicures, the beauty shop, deep tissue massages, and “me times” are wonderful. Traveling the globe, a girl’s night out, and going on shopping sprees are fun. We should be able to do these things without being attached to a mate or friend. This is self-care and self-care is a part of SELF LOVE. Self-care is more like the maintenance of the outward appearance. But SELF LOVE is the inward maintenance. Self-love is an inside job. “Self-love is not simply a state of feeling good. It is a state of appreciation for oneself, that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth.”-Psychology Today, Dr. Deborah Khoshaba. And while self-care does make us feel good at the time that it is happening, SELF-LOVE can make us feel good about who we are as a person for a lifetime. “If self-care is a sparkler then self-love is an eternal flame.”-Nicole Jackson
There are two sides to every story and sometimes three. Here we have a person struggling to be themselves out of worry if they will be liked or accepted. They wonder if they will lose friends, family, and associates. It’s a risk. It was and is a necessary risk for me. I’d rather be free and happy, but note, it was a process. And still is.
Then we have this other side of the coin or game. The ones that say they love being themselves, have always been comfortable in being themselves, yet they have issues with others being themselves. And I am talking about us being our authentic selves! Not some knock off version or shaped by misery selves. If this is you what’s your problem? Do you want to be yourself? Do you enjoy being yourself? Then why are you so concerned when others that are happy being themselves doesn’t match your way of being yourself? I think it’s ego. I think there is a part of you that is not truly comfortable being you. I think there is a part of them that makes you uncomfortable. Yes? All of these things or one of these things. Maybe even none of these things. It’s up to you to ponder.
As long as others being themselves are not causing harm, hatred, and division then we really need to think about why it bothers us so much and communicate that to ourselves. There are some ways people in my life have of being themselves I question and I know it’s filtered through their experiences and obvious misery. I don’t have to get use to it or like it. It depends on our relationship how to handle it. I can remove myself, put distance in between us, or limit interactions. However, if you think wearing purple hair is okay and I don’t, then I figure that is YOU being YOU. If you are driven and I am laid back, I have no need to make you laid back because I am and you should have no need to make me driven so that it makes you more comfortable with “my” journey.
It started Wednesday with excruciating foot pain, but if we want to be honest it started way before that. It started with taking on Vocational Bible School when I really didn’t want to and doing most of it on my own with the nitpicking, complaining, and subtle “bitching” of others. Yes, I did use the word bitching and I could have used barking, but IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR COMFORTABILITY right now. I also had little sleep due to the oven light going out which we usually leave on. I discovered it has a shortage. Then the smoke detector went out. There was a power outage in the wee hours one morning on top of a night I was already tossing and turning. I didn’t want to take a sleep aid because…what if the house caught on fire and the smoke detector doesn’t work? (I have anxiety and this how the anxious mind goes into overdrive). I was thinking about all that I had to do. Major issues with my mother and minor ones with my sister. Drama and trauma.
So, I try to sleep better last night and I was irritable before I went to bed. Oh, and someone stole my bank card from church! I tossed most of the night and when I finally woke up it was from a terrible dream.
What am I doing wrong? What is going on here? Good things are happening and all of these inconveniences are also happening like the gnats that seem to have invaded our area. Small and irritating as hell. I had a great therapy session last week. What am I missing?
I am not centered at all. I am not thinking clearly and it is showing up. I have been fearful, angry, and peace-less. Fearful of the future, fearful of walking in purpose and marrying my authentic self to my purpose. Angry at the things said and done by family. Peace-less about a future relationship. I am overwhelmed by household chores (tired body, achy body, little to no help, and a teen with lazy summer bones) and wanting to have a gathering, but not really wanting to be bothered. I am missing intentional and thoughtful prayer. Meditation. A morning reading. Yoga. Either one or all of these things would do me a world of good because I need centering every day and sometimes several times during the day. I am missing the voice of Spirit and Self. I am ignoring it. And my body, my mind, is fatigued.
This morning I pulled myself up. Opened to a passage in the book: God’s Healing Power: Finding Your True Self Through Meditation where the above excerpt was pulled. I had breakfast. I watched a food documentary. I still don’t feel well. I wanted an instant fix. I still feel overwhelmed. I wanted energy. This is the beginning, Nikki. The RE-establishing of routine. It’s going to take some time and patience and effort. I think I will read this same passage every morning until…