Watering Gratitude: Hopes and Dreams Drowned

“You took away my hopes and dreams of a family. Who’s going to want me now? What if they want children and I can’t have any more?” These are the accusations and questions I presented to God before and after I had a hysterectomy years ago. My fibroids and bleeding were so bad when the nurse called me after a blood test she asked, “My God! How are you still standing? Your iron level is so low!” Coming in after the test it was determined I had fibroids. However, as a black woman, I had to FIGHT doctors, particularly white male doctors, to take me seriously. It wasn’t the first time. But, it’s not just white male doctors, it’s doctors of cultures that see black women as less or women as less. (I often wonder why the hell are you a doctor if you can’t care for patients across the board?). It was a white woman that had a traumatizing childbirth that taught me to advocate for my health. I took care of her and the baby for two weeks.

Going from specialist to specialist they finally saw the fibroids. I had no choice at the time but to have them removed. I was devastated. I wanted to have more children IF I were to marry. It wasn’t going to happen. I went in fora surgery that was supposed to take 4 hours but it took much longer. When I woke up, the room seemed to be shaking, jittery. I could not focus my vision. One of my lovely Indian doctors grabbed my foot and said, “Mrs. Jackson, we almost lost you. You lost a lot of blood and this is why you may not be able to focus right now. Just close your eyes and listen to me.” I felt her still holding my foot. “We started off trying to do laser surgery but, where you had a C-section, the skin was so thick, we could not get through. We had to cut you and remove the fibroids. We also found another unseen fibroid underneath. You will need a blood transfusion.

Recovery was an ordeal. Here is how my gratitude for LIFE itself, breath itself, was watered: When I thought about how I could have died on that operating table and left my daughter, my family, my friends, I was so, so appreciative of life in a deeper, greater way than I had ever been before. It made every problem around me, including not being able to have more children and who would want to be with me, pale in comparison. I was beyond happy and beyond grateful to JUST EXIST. To see my daughter’s face and to feel her tiny hand after the surgery. I was happy to hear her voice and to see my parents. They were all there during the surgery.

Many times, after healing from that surgery (as I was still dealing (and healing) with not being able to have more children or grappling with life’s issues), I would recall how I could not have been alive and my problems seem to shrink some. I breathe and say, “I am grateful to be here. I am still here. I have many purposes in this life. I am grateful. This too, (whatever I am facing) will pass.”

Gratitude watered.


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: My Word for the Summer

Photo by Sven Huls

If you know me you know I flow with Spirit (for the most part). As I was thinking about what I wanted from the summer season and what I wanted to give to the summer, I realized I was going to need courage. My word for the summer is courage. You may be thinking, what’s Nikki up to? Is she going sky diving or cross country? No. None of that. Let’s start with what I want from the summer or better put, what the summer has for me.

Summer is a time of vibrancy, production, and growth. It is a time where light is extended, longer days. It’s a time when most people take their vacations. We slow down as well. The grass is green, flowers have bloomed, and the weather is warm (hot depending on where you are located). It’s also a time where certain things are ripe and ready for picking. There is a harvest happening in summer. Proverbs 6:8 “Provides her supplies in the summer, and gathers her food in the harvest.” Proverbs 10:5. “He who gathers in summer is a wise son; He who sleeps in harvest is a son who causes shame.”  It’s lively in the summer. Although we can sleep in, we are also awakened to the business of events such as holidays and weddings. The workload is usually higher in this season. We are interacting with each other in our communities and the world more. Summer brings renewed energy. So, what does this mean spiritually?

Summer is when we see the fruits of our labor. It is a time where we can see the seeds we sowed into our minds and hearts in spring, winter, and fall manifest. It is also a time of refinement of our gifts, talents, and growth. We gather the fruits of our labor in our businesses as well or we see the hard work and planning paying off from the former seasons. This is if you have been doing the work or learning the lessons from life or the journey you chose. Summer gives us opportunities to do something fun and new. It offers time to slow down, enjoy life, and give the people in your life your undivided attention. Put your phones away and watch a movie or the stars. Water is waiting. Summer says put your feet in the water. Put your boats in the water or take a swim. Feel the coolness. Play. It’s a reminder to play. It’s a reminder to rest. It’s a reminder that you can still work, create, but look up and live. This is what summer is giving me. Options. I think summer wants us to gather up the time and spend it wisely.

What do I want to give to the summer months? I want to give more time and attention to my daughter who is home from college. Not a summer of dragging ourselves here and there but, more of a quiet summer being at home and trying new recipes together. Maybe, a concert or two. Enjoying time with family and friends. Hosting an event. I want time with friends and associates. I want light hearted conversations. I want to work on a book or two. I want to paint. I want simplicity. Fresh lemonade. A cherry cobbler. I want to sit on the porch in the morning and drink my coffee and daydream about winning the lottery. I want evenings of rest. I want deep conversations. I want laughter. I want love. I want to smell soft scented candles floating through the air. I want to be heard.

I need courage. Courage to write again. Courage to say no to the many ways I could be pulled in different directions and become swept up in saving people and doing things I didn’t sign up to do. I need courage to be heard, to speak my mind, heart, and soul. I need courage to remove the lizards from my porch that are stuck in the sticky traps. I need courage to hike because well, there are things in the woods I don’t want to run across. If I can find swimming lessons, I will need courage. I am terrified of swimming. I will need courage to start the podcast that is calling me. I will need courage to continue the YouTube channel, the Garden of Mind. I need courage to be honest with myself so that I can stay aligned with Divine Flow.

It took courage to change my relationship with certain groups in the Spring. I think that was the start of everything. It took courage to stand my ground about not being the chairperson or co-chair of a certain month filled with activities and one tyrant for my home church. I guess I also want peace from summer. I want to be in my own world coming out to play and then go back home. I want to learn something new and that too, will take courage.


Watering Gratitude: How It Started

Photo by Los Muertos Crew

Who’s not grateful? I mean, is there anyone that’s not grateful for something or the other? Whether it’s grateful to be alive or grateful the store had your favorite ice cream we are, most of us, grateful for something. I want to talk/write about gratefulness from the perspective of how we can “grow” our gratefulness. Did you know gratefulness could be expanded? It can start with the simplest things in life to the more complex situations in life. I am going to call this blog series Watering Gratitude. I’ll explain as we take this journey in June here at Nikki’s Confetti Life and on my YouTube channel, The Garden of Mind. Don’t forget to subscribe! Now let’s get into how “it” started.

It started when I picked up a book in a resale bookstore. I needed something. I was searching for something to help me to make sense of my life from 2010 to 2015. I was facing Rheumatoid Arthritis Diseases, Fibromyalgia, and Diabetes all in the span of five years. I also had a hysterectomy where the surgery to longer than they expected. I lost quite a bit of blood and they almost lost me.

In late 2014, early 2015 I unwillingly began the journey of the disability process. It was 2014 I believe when I picked up the book, Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach and her book Peace and Plenty. It was during this time I began to grow the gratitude that I had within me. I began to have a deeper appreciation for the basics in life and much more than the basics. It wasn’t silly to be grateful for a bowl of ice cream. It wasn’t unusual to be grateful for the rain. I later bought the book Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self by the same author. Next month, I will be blogging about authenticity.

It wasn’t just those two books that helped to water my gratitude. It was also a deeper prayer life, meditation, yoga, and another book, The Sacred Yes by Rev. Deborah L. Johnson. I am now learning how to truly be grateful in all things. Even the not so good things. How can one be grateful for the not so good things? It’s not so much as being grateful for a bad thing or tragic thing happening to you but, it’s more about being grateful for what you can learn from it. It’s about being grateful for what’s next. It’s about being grateful for time. It’s about being grateful for the now. It’s about being grateful for the opportunity to heal and to maybe help someone else that is going through what you may have gone through. Helping others helps you. It fills you (which deepens or intensifies the feeling) with more gratitude and love.

Oh, there were things I was NOT grateful for when it was happening but, I was grateful when it was over. I could give thanks and be grateful that it wasn’t worse or that it was resolved. I can be grateful I am no longer in that situation. Gratitude and gratefulness go hand in hand in my opinion. So, you may see me use them interchangeably throughout this series. Yes, let’s water our gratitude and grow it to expand beyond conditions and circumstances. Happy June!


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Lesson in Everything? Tuh!

I walked out to the front yard Wednesday morning to water my plants. I discovered someone had stolen my nozzle (sprayer). It was my favorite out of all the ones I’d had previously. It was sturdy, quality, and endured all of the times I forgot to put it away during winters. I was highly irritated that someone had taken it but even more disturbed that someone had the audacity to come on my property! I immediately went to the store and found the exact one I had. I was relieved. So, where is the lesson?

People shouldn’t steal. I should have put it away (but I feel I shouldn’t have to because it’s on my property but, I know we all live among thieves. Even in the suburbs which I do not live in.) I believe those are the obvious lessons. The natural lessons. The more spiritual lesson for me (us?) is to take care of the little things that bring you happiness, pleasure like you do the big things that bring you happiness, pleasure. Cherish the small moments that bring you peace. Cherish the lull in conversation with someone you adore, admire, love, and like. Cherish doing nothing with a loved one like sitting on the porch or in the backyard. Think of the last time you had a chat with someone you hadn’t spoken to in a while. How precious was that moment? Pay attention and put away in your heart, in your memory, the small things that light you up.

I certainly didn’t treat the nozzle like it was my favorite. I tossed it near the hose. I left it out year-round. Terrible. My oldest brother told me a few years ago to put away my tools and store them properly and they will last a long time. I didn’t listen. I also had to replace my garden wand because…I left it out all year long. There must be a small crack or the washer shrunk due to the drastic temperature changes. When I turned it on water sprayed everywhere onto me! I was soaked lol! So, put away/take care, literally and figuratively, of the small things/moments you cherish.


Where Are You?

Photo by Oziel Gu00f3mez


Me: SAY THIS and notice the difference in what you feel.

I am right where I need to be

I am right where I need to be for change

I am right where I need to be to leap out on faith

I am right where I need to be for growth

I am right where I need to be for expansion

I am right where I need to be to start a new journey, a new adventure in life


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Separation or Divorce or Both

This is a time for separation and divorce. And I’m not talking about marriages (although that may be the case). I’m talking about anything or anyone that hinders or distracts you from your purpose, dreams, goals, growth or destiny. I’m talking about your own stinking thinking (mindset, thought patterns). I’m talking about ideals and philosophies and even religious programming that keeps you judgmental, sanctimonious, self-righteous and cult like.

I separated myself from some things and people and it wasn’t personal but it was personal and spiritual. It was necessary and is necessary for my healing and my journey. Spiritual separation where my spirit and emotions aren’t so intertwined. No intimate conversations. Not frequently in each other’s space but cordial. Genuine love and concern. Maybe, there’s a chance for restoration in the future.

Then I divorced some things and some people. Peace. Go your way. May the Lord keep and bless you but, this is a wrap, Beloved. -Nikki

“Thursday” for Money Affirmations

Photo by Jacub Gomez on Pexels.com

My bank account is like a garden that is always growing.

I know how to manage my money.

Money making opportunities are available to me.

I am connected to Source that has the resources for me.

I love what I do and I make money doing it.

I like money.

I have multiple streams of income.

I know how to save money.

There is no limit to the amount of money I can make.

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Hello April

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Pexels.com

Feelings are intense this month. They are meant to guide you, not drive you.

Master something this month. It can be a class. It can be yourself, your mouth, your attitude but, it cannot be someone else or what they are doing. Master something this month. New or something you’ve been dealing with.

There is a loosening of restrictions. Do you want to be free?

You can do anything but you cannot do everything. It is wise to know what you cannot do. It is not a sign of weakness or a lack of intelligence. No man is an island.

The fire is hotter this month. Strike while the iron is hot.


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Joy for January

I’ve been celebrating all month the birthdays of friends and I have 4 more birthdays of family and friends to celebrate. January is a busy month. I really enjoy watching them in their happiness and gratefulness of life. Life is to be celebrated as much as possible for it is precious. I know we go through and grow through many things. We have our struggles and battles but, I urge you to diligently seek out JOYS in life.

Since I began to slow down in December, I have had more JOY in my life. How? I haven’t been caught up in projects. I haven’t been running around here and there. I have said NO to things I really don’t want to do. I have said YES to things I want to do and are financially feasible (Note, I am taking more responsibility over my finances). Intentional rest is on my calendar and to do list. Having fun is on my list. Being in nature has given me JOY and observing nature in my own backyard has given me joy. I get plenty of spiritual messages that way and plenty of peace. I like this way of living and I want more of it. Therefore, I shall do what creates this type of living and it is to be intentional. It’s like I finally am beginning to understand intentional living.

Now, all is well with my soul as I “work out my salvation”. What I mean by that is, as I work on myself to heal, as I also do the hard work of self-improvement to grow, I can still find peace and joy in my life. I have decided to be intentional about it and you know when you make a decision you will be presented with opportunities to help you grow and to choose what you have said. I baked a cake yesterday. It was delicious and one of my favorite cakes. I happened to share 3 slices with two people. One individual doesn’t like this type of cake but, if I didn’t send them a piece, they would have asked why I didn’t send them a piece. They called to tell me the cake was “okay” and they knew it was my first time making it. Also, they wanted me to know it wasn’t sweet enough. (Are you rolling your eyes? Oh, just me!)

My response was, “Oh. I thought it was delicious. That is the only reason I shared it with you guys.” They began to back pedal but, I told them there was no need to say something other than what they really thought. It is okay not to like it. Then I changed the subject. My feelings were “almost” hurt until I considered the source. I also realized I was being presented with an opportunity to grow or exercise my growth. Was I going to let this tiny thing burst my day of peace and joy? No, no, no. That is not how I was going to end my night. So, yes you can be going through things, in the process of healing, wrestling with the physical body, etc. but you can also have joy in your life. Joy is not what you feel it’s what you know! I have said this many times in my blog. I have often forgotten it for myself.

I know that sharing in other people’s happiness brings me joy. I know that being around people that truly care for me and know me brings me comfort and joy. I know that days that run well-oiled brings me joy. I know that no matter what I am going through I will come out on top and it brings me joy. On the other side of the process is joy. Through the process I make progress and it’s all about progression.

I encourage you to EMBRACE some joy today. Create some joy this week. Seek it out and it will seek you out. Joy will begin to show up in many ways and in unexpected spaces because you have begun to carry a torch within for joy.


The Cleaning Agents Truth and Honesty: Inner Work

Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

I have a friend that deals with reality by not dealing with it. He likes to pretend that his world is perfect in public. He puts his parents and marriage on a pedestal to the world. He is in photos that would make you think all is well. Yet, in his private life there is a different story. He’s the type that makes idle threats about what he’s going to do and say but never acts on them. He’s the one that upholds the wrong doing of his father by being silent. He needs the acceptance of that parent. Plus, the public thinks his parents are amazing. Deep down inside, he’s drowning. The things he does, the moods he has, the thought patterns that keep him trapped, all connected to childhood, religion and young adulthood experiences. He internalizes all of his grief, sorrow, hurt, disappointments, and I worry about the toll it takes on him physically.

If you are ready to heal, grow, improve, stop a bad habit, if you have lost too much and too many people, then take a couple of deep, deep breaths and prepare to go inward. In fact, you may need an oxygen tank because it’s going to take many deep dives to get to the root of some things. Some people start in shallow waters and then make their way to the deep and some just jump in. It’s an unraveling. Some said it’s like peeling back and onion layer by layer. But for me, some of my baggage had more layers than an onion. And if you want to know how long it takes to be healed, check out my other blog post from last week https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2023/01/11/how-long-does-healing-take-inner-work/

You just may have to admit that you are not perfect. You are not always right and may be rarely right. You may have to tell yourself the truth about your household, your feelings about it. You may have to tell yourself the truth about how you grew up and that perhaps your parents were not so perfect, either. You may have to untangle the web of your actions and behaviors. This can be some work and this is why most people leave this earth bound instead of free. They remain the same, sad or angry, silent or pretending, trapped in denial, and steeped in open or hidden misery.

Truth and Honesty are like ammonia or some strong cleaning agent mixed with water. Mixed just right it can get the job done without damaging what it is cleaning. If you ever decide to HEAL or CHANGE you can’t do it without Truth and Honesty. Here is what I have learned about inner work, it’s rewarding. It’s freeing. The “work” can be tiring, dirty, exhausting, but when you are clean, when you come into the light of understanding why you do what you do, say the things you say, act a certain way it gives you knowledge. It gives you POWER to be your AUTHENTIC SELF and to walk in the fullness of your destiny. It gives you WHOLENESS like you have never known but before you may feel like you are being ripped apart. Fear not. It’s only so you can be put back together, with some new parts and reprogrammed. This is when people will say, “Hmm, you’re acting funny. You have changed. There is something different about you.” And it will be true. There is something different about you when you do the work of healing yourself.