Today I went to a funeral of a budding friendship. I say budding because it seems as if we were just getting started. A supporter in my novel adventures and an encourager. She gave the best hugs. She had a smile that lit up the room. As soon as I saw her or she walked into a room, I could be at ease knowing a friendly was among me.
I had yet to really cry until today. I got up, got ready, but all week I was thinking, “This is going to be hard. I will have to do a hard thing Saturday.” I really wanted to know “Why? But why?” were my first thoughts. Then I thought “This is so unfair.” This morning as I had my coffee, God spoke to me and I received confirmation at the funeral via the preacher. God said “Nicole, even if I were to explain it to you, you wouldn’t be able to receive it right now because you have deemed it unfair. Is there anything I could say to you that would make it fair? Of course not. And I understand that you feel it is unfair. It is okay to feel that way.” Now, let me pause, because the relationship I have with my God, may not be like yours. I always ask questions. I’ve been asking since I was a child. I am glad I have a Father that decided it was okay for us to “Come and reason together.” And sometimes that reasoning ends in a “You wouldn’t understand. Just trust me in this place that you are in.” And that place happen to be a place of feeling this death was unfair.I’ve had to trust God in a lot of places. Unfair, is not an unfamiliar place.
So, as God continued to speak, “Trust me in this feeling of “unfairness” and in time, we will talk about it. But, try to focus on how this can work for your good. Yes, how can this life that touched your life, work for your good. What purpose, does this death serve for your enlightenment.” I got dressed and I thought to myself, “I will try. I will try to focus.” After the funeral and confirmation that God was speaking to me, as I know he was, a few things happened when we were dismissed to proceed to the burial. I walked to the car in disbelief and then just like a lightbulb moment…”Life is too short for me to surround myself with people who don’t like me, love me, or care about me. It’s too short to subject my heart to negative vibes and energy. It’s too short to sacrifice my feelings just to see the few who are genuine. I will have to see them in different places and spaces where the love can flow without restriction. It is, what it is. What “it is” is freedom. What “it is” is peace. And that is what is “unfair”….to subject your heart to tainted environments. It’s no different than staying in a bad relationship. If folks don’t want you or like you, stay out of there face and space.”
And what I learned is that however unfair I feel about this death, I can see that this person was a light for me in rough territory. At that time, I sure did need all the light, all the smiling faces, all the conversation, all the good energy I could get just to “hang” for a while.
I remember when my Uncle Sunny passed away. It was the year I graduated (ages ago). My dad would go over to his only brother’s house and take care of him, bring him food and take care of business for him. I would sit in the living room on those firsts few trips until Uncle Sunny would tell me to come in and see him. Sometimes my daddy would tell me and then I just started to go on in on my own.
Uncle Sunny was this strong Veteran. My dad is too and has a Purple Heart. But, when my Uncle Sunny was young and up until he died, he had these big muscles and always wore a white tee and jeans. Well, at least that is what I remember. I also remember his house was like a museum filled with odds and ends. For my graduation he gave me a $100 bill. The most money I’d ever had. My dad thought it was too much but, Uncle Sunny didn’t!
I remember them (the family) cleaning out his place and I saw the jean jacket and I saw this silver object that said LOVE. I asked if I could have those and they said sure. I lost the jacket at a game and I cried for weeks about that jacket but, I never lost my LOVE. It has been everywhere I’ve moved and I always find a place for LOVE. It’s a keepsake of the uncle I never really got to know but will always remain a symbol of strength…and LOVE.