I look out onto the porch this morning. It’s nice outside with the overcast of clouds. The weather is much cooler and welcomed. Yesterday we had the homegoing celebration of my godmother. Also, this week 3 more people I know passed away from Covid. I found out about one this morning as I logged onto social media. I have no more words this morning.
What do you say? Sometimes you just can’t process everything in life given to you in wave after wave. Before you can wrap your mind around one thing here comes something else. We are in a period of life where being overwhelmed seems to be happening even to the “strong” and the highly spiritual.
I may have no words this morning. Nothing prominent to say, I don’t think. Yet, I type these “words” but, to me they are just thoughts. They are just expressions of my feelings this morning which can change by this evening as I come into more understanding. As I may hear or read something or do something that makes the mood better. I ignore the fibromyalgia pain in my feet and calf. I can’t think about all the sadness in the world, in my world, yet I feel the heaviness in the atmosphere.
Sometimes you have no words. I remember one morning, years ago when I was having trouble with my child’s father, I was so angry on my way to work I tried to pray. I tried to pray but, I was at a loss for words. I didn’t know what to pray for because the level of anger and rage I felt was not my normal. I was crying on my way to work. As the sun creeped up, I kept searching for words to pray and I just blurted out, “God, I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I want to pray. I don’t know what to pray.” And I recall that Spirit intercedes for us. So, I asked Spirit (Holy Spirit in my religion) to pray for me. This morning, as I stood at the door looking onto the porch. I just asked Spirit to pray, to intercede on my behalf because I have no words to describe all that I feel.
Last week, I had a very bad fibromyalgia flare. I mean the kind that brings tears to your eyes. I was the chairperson of an event and I had things to do and very little help to do it. I pressed my way through by pacing myself, resting, and getting things done. As you may have read a few blog posts ago, I lost another loved one to Covid. This month has seem to be a month mixed with a variety of sufferings ranging from loss of loved one, increased physical pain, emotional challenges, and a few missed targets of gossip and misinformation.
It has also been a month of blessings and gratefulness. I feel it has been the turning point for me spiritually. Some parts of me that were dead to Christianity are showing signs of life and there seems to be some solid foundation in what I believe to be true about God. So, what is with so much suffering? The question is not why must we suffer but, why do we suffer?
I say we it’s not about a “must” suffering because there are choices we make that lead to suffering. The solution is to simply make better choices. However, there are things we are just going to go through that causes us to suffer. Incidents and accidents. The loss of love ones. Sickness. A not so good childhood. Relationships turned sour and rancid. Pause. Deep breath. I was sitting with my eyes closed listening to a Christian meditation, which was more like a reading of scriptures, and I heard this:
Suffering produces perseverance. It does? It does. Well, how does that work if the person suffering dies? The defeated suffering by moving into a realm where there is not suffering. To stay here, would have meant more suffering. Ok, but what if they suffered and lived and as they lived, they still suffered because of their illness or injuries? They persevere by pushing through, by treatments, by taking on each day, by adapting and attitude of positivity and gratitude. The persevere to and develop character that can help someone else to get through what they go through, something similar, or life all together. They learn a thing or two about suffering and pushing forward. They learn some things about weeping may endure for a night but, joy (enlightenment, understanding) comes in the morning. They learn about getting through it. Either hope seems to just appear for some and others make a conscious choice to hope. Hope for better days. Hope for a cure. Hope for new treatments. Hope for the suffering to end.
I got through those terrible flares like I got through some of the others. Perseverance. I get through some by suffering through them because no amount of pain meds, heating pads, or ice can help. I suffer through the hours to get to the next day and they subside. I persevere through it with prayer. That’s all I have sometimes. All I have is “hope”…hope this ends soon. Hope tomorrow is better. I “hope” they can figure out how to treat fibromyalgia soon or in the future so others will not have to…suffer.
I was listening to Abraham Hicks and she was talking about ACTION without effort or resistance. She also talked about knowing your hang ups, blocks, snares. I asked God to show me where my blocks were and what exactly were they. Well, let me tell you, one of my blocks came as a surprise but, I could see how that was the case.
I have done the work in the past to uncover my authentic self. I have been on a journey walking in, getting comfortable with my authentic self. However, Spirit revealed to me that I was too busy trying to PROVE that I fit in by SHOUTING that I don’t fit in BECAUSE deep down inside I want to be accepted by the Christian population and peers. It’s TRUE I said as soon as it was revealed to me.
I thought I was forewarning people so they wouldn’t be shocked or think I wasn’t “saved” or a believer because I didn’t think like them or look like them or follow the rules. I have questions about the Bible. I have disagreements about the Bible. God let me know that it was no longer necessary to announce or to explain ANYTHING about OUR business and WHO I AM as one that believes in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. But, also one that gravitates towards spirituality (worshipping Him in SPIRIT and TRUTH). I tend to like, and I am drawn to the deeper things of God. The superficial, egotistical driven side of Christianity really turns my stomach. I often say to God, can we just meet at the ocean every Sunday and you bring a message and I go home or into the world? That would be great. Maybe some music. Maybe some teaching. But, I am just not into “religion” and “theology” and positions. I don’t like the politics. I don’t mind a prosperous church. I don’t mind a small church doing work in the community. I just don’t like all of the fat. I’d like it trimmed. But that’s not my call. That’s not my business or my ministry.
When I look back deeper into my life, I can see where I developed the need to announce I am different. One, I was told something was wrong weird or different about me as a child by a parent, siblings, and family. I was told by peers. I stood out as a red headed black child. It was made known from the day I was born I was different. So, I guess I begin to let people know that I was different BEFORE they could tell me. And I can see how announcing, “I am not traditional or religious” before I get ready to speak or post or blog is a way of wanting to be accepted in spite of my thoughts, ideas, truths, beliefs NOT lining up with tradition. No one likes a rule breaker. And my Christian peers can be quite judgmental and gossipy. I don’t so much mind the others but, not the people I chose to be part of. I have come so close to being done with CHRISTIANITY and just flowing with God.
Anyway, I can no longer be hesitant about who I am. I have to be the Nicole, inspired by John the Baptist mixed with some David and Peter with the fashion flare of Lydia (the seller of purple cloth that had ships coming in and was a businesswoman and believer). I have to accept I will be denounced, talked about, and shunned by many. But as long as I am loved, accepted, and cherished by the Creator, all is well.
“For there is hope for a tree, When it is cut down, that it will sprout again, And its shoots will not fail. “Though its roots grow old in the ground And its stump dies in the dry soil, At the scent of water it will flourish And put forth sprigs like a plant. -Job
I heard that you were cut down. I heard that you were feeling a bit down or maybe it was that you were having some major trouble and issues. It could be manifesting physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually or all four. Well, as Job said there is hope for a tree (you, a situation). All you need is a scent ( A little, a thought) of water (information, knowledge, hope, faith, a word) and you will flourish (grow, make a come back). You see a little hope, faith, information, etc. will start the process of growing again. It will help you solve your problem or get to the ROOT. Although, you may be in a place or state of mind that you do not wish to be in, you still haverootsin the ground. It’s not over for you!
If you think back to your ancestral roots, they may have been plague with some of the same fears, situations, troubles, that you are facing today. They may have been facing some major financial trouble, some mental health issues, some family struggles. Did they overcome them? Even if you don’t know or they didn’t, YOU can. You can look back as a reference and this is the “scent of water”, the knowledge and wisdom that will help you to flourish! Is this some family issue that has been passed down? You need to know so that you can grow and change the course and give options to your generation. Also, to the ones that are coming behind you.
The root chakra, is energy that inside of you (because you are energy) at the base of the spine. Did you know the spine is the first thing formed and it grows from the bottom, the root, upwards? (check neural tube). Therefore, think of the root chakra, represented by the color red, as the house of energy that holds the ROOT of who you are. Think of it as the foundation and the formation of the body you are living in. Now, if the foundation or the formation (how you were treated, raised, the things you encountered growing upwards, the things you did or were done to you, the things that you were taught or not, family (including ancestral roots (ways, culture, ideas positive or negative, right or wrong)) is not firm or needs work or even ripped up and replaced, that’s a problem that can be resolved. The foundation and formation makes for stability or instability.
Perhaps what you are dealing with creates stress, anxiety, sleeping problems, fears, and nightmares. Well, here is your “scent of water”. What was said above is some information for you, if you choose to take it. Also, here is some more water (information), MEDITATION will help ground you. It will aide in your stability. You’re already meditating on the negative and creating fears, doubts, worry, etc. Meditate on the scriptures and references of your religion that give you stability. Find affirmations or quotes that you can “meditate” or focus on. You can actually do a meditation sitting in your chair or on the floor with a YouTube mediation video or your use your phone as a timer. You can focus on nothing or you can focus on a positive outcome. You can sit and repeat your affirmations or scriptures that are related to your situation.
Below are affirmations from Shawna Freshwater, PhD to help with ROOT issues:
I feel centered I am home I am connected to my body My body is my home I feel safe and secure I stand for my values, truth, and justice I have what I need I am kind and compassionate to myself I am infinite possibilities I am grateful for challenges because they make me stronger I am fearless I trust myself I love myself I trust true source which is universal divine mother providing for my basic needs I nurture myself with healthy food, clean water, clean air, exercise, relaxation, and connection to nature
From my own religion that I identify with, Christianity here are some I chose to share (hence meditating on the Word day and night type of thing:
God is my Source
God will provide all of my needs according to his riches
I was created by love therefore I am love and I am loved deeply by the Creator
I am guided into all truth and the truth will give me freedom
I am standing on the promises of the Word of God and the words of God spoken directly to my spirit
I hear the instructions of the His words and I do them. I am laying a solid foundation.
One thing I like to repeat when I don’t know what to do is this: I know what to do even when I don’t know what to do. Why? Because it brings me the solution quickly and it helps to stabilize my mind and root(foundation). It can come in the form of money, instructions from a spiritual being, a book, a dream, a thought, etc. because I have no concern with how it gets to me or who brings it. I am relying on a God that has no limit and can choose to use whatever and whoever.
Yesterday, I opened the curtains to the kitchen window and I saw a cardinal. I didn’t think much about it with the exception that maybe it was a sign from a loved one. My oldest brother that passed away in February. I went on with my day and I decided to put on a red shirt. Then I took it off because it’s a shirt I wear often but, no other shirt seem to fit right or look right or was wrinkled. I said to myself, red shirt it is. Red is the color for the day I said aloud.
I went on to the grocery store and as I was on the aisle looking for a good salsa, I’d just about given up because I didn’t know what to pick. My favorite salsa changed it’s recipe. A man that was on the same aisle said to me, “If you want a good salsa, this is the one!” He handed me the bottle. Bright red salsa. I went to my next stop and a woman, with red hair introduced me to a few of her favorite things she buys from there. I don’t know why but, I went with it. When I got home for the day, finished the things I needed to do, and settled down all of this dawned on me. RED.
Let me listen to a meditation about the root chakra (which is identified with the color red). Let me read something about the root chakra and this red color. Oh, the scripture, 6So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, 7rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. 1 Colossians 2:6-7
I TOTALLY got the message for me on yesterday. I DO KNOW how many have been taught to forsake things we really don’t have to forsake and to only read a list of books approved by their church and to be afraid of anything that is not of your faith…yeah…weird. BUT, in all my getting I like to get an understanding. I also like to think for myself. In doing the meditation I could see how I was blocked. In reading the article, I could see how I was stagnate and I could also see scriptural references from my own faith. Hence, 1 Colossians 2. In that same article, I saw the link between my ancestral roots and family roots and the importance of knowing and understanding them.
As I have decided to dive into this, linking my faith with an understanding of spiritual things, I am going to leave you with the article I read. I hope it blesses you real good.
I don’t know if I told you that I was dumped by my therapist but, I think I did in one of these blog posts. I laughed a bit on the inside as I typed that because I have a weird sense of humor at times. Odd maybe. I quickly thought about my reaction and how hysterical I was. How angry I was. And that made you laugh Nikki? It did because I reflected on how I could not see myself working with anyone else, being as open and honest with anyone else, and especially because my then therapist had one of my personality traits. Chill.
I recently went to a new therapist and she is not like my old one (shocker). She is retired from the military and you can tell that she is structured, but very “real” and “raw” in her delivery. So, I thought I was going to waltz in there with my credentials (all of the work I had done previously) and we were just going to pick up where I left off. NOPE. She could tell that I had done the work. She could tell that now was the time of doing the work of RELEASING. Releasing? I thought that’s what I was doing. I thought I’d already did that. I know how everything is connected. “Yes. But you don’t know how to let go and it’s time that you do. Are you ready to work? Because this, is going to be work.” She said. Hades no. I am not prepared for that because I didn’t realize that I had not been releasing. I have sat with that all week. I have processed it and I can see she is right. It’s crazy to be stuck and not know you are stuck and to realize you are stuck. How long have I been stuck? How did I not know? Oh man, more breaking down mental and emotional barriers. MUST THERE ALWAYS BE SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO DO OR FACE ABOUT MYSELF?
God was like: “Nicole, you know the answer to that. The answer is the same it always is when you ask this question. Yes. ” It’s never going to end and I know that. Will the debris of our lives lessen? Yes. It will be much easier to see once we clean up. But, just like cleaning up the clutter, there are things you have to “let go of” and there are things you keep. Even with the things you keep, they have to be cared for, dusted, moved, in other words, tended to. Cleaning up once and for all doesn’t happen because a home is not like that and neither is life. Life has to be tidied up, decluttered, cleaned, bleached, dusted, power washed with the truth from time to time. We form new attachments. We experience new hurts or familiar hurts in new ways. It’s like my yard. One year, there are the same kind of weeds. The next year there are hardly any. The next year, there a mixture of different weeds. This year, we killed the yard and now this beautiful grass is springing up with patches of dead grass around it.
Your life is your life’s work. Your calling and destiny is a huge part of your life. You want to be doing what you love and living the life you wan to live. However, there is the maintenance of YOU. The mental, the emotional, and the spiritual. Even the physical. These are what you come home to. Home has to be taken care of.
I had the displeasure of meeting a person last night and the hostility in the air was so foul we chose to leave rather than to stay and be TOLERATED. I was glad the choice was made because you could choke off the energy in the air. I am really proud of myself and how I am handling the aftermath of the situation. I was prepared because I realize the opposition I am facing being the NEW as the OLD fades to black. I realize it’s a ride to paradise, but not without turbulence! So, had some helluva turbulence last night. Still headed towards my destination.
One thing I have learned in life is to go where you are CELEBRATED and not where you are tolerated. The quote by Maya Angelou above also popped into my mind. It’s funny when you are experiencing a quote, wisdom, or the truth in real time. I won’t forget how I was made to feel. REJECTED. It’s not the first time and even though it’s a negative feeling I also know that I am ACCEPTED by so many others. Why let the negative ride? I won’t. I came home, poured my water, hugged my friend, and lit the Gardenia scented candle that reminds of my “Big Mama” and my childhood. It reminds me that I am well loved, I am beloved, I am accepted by those that matter.
No, I will not sit here and wallow in self pity. No, I will not lay in bed and think myself into depression. No, I will not resort to old habits when things do not go the way I hoped. Last night, I had to get up, go back downstairs and wash the dishes. Something didn’t go the way I thought it would and I was disappointed. I turned off the lights and almost let the feeling stew. Then, I began to think about if this was the way to handle what happened. There was nothing I could do about it. It wasn’t major. Even though, it was feeding into my fear of being lied to and played. Breathe.
You can’t control people and their actions. You can, control your response and what you allow them to do or continue to do. If you want POWER over a situation you have to take action. You have to do the small normal things and this will propel you into doing the major things like ending the saga of a not so good relationship. It will propel you into avoiding anxiety and depression for that day. Life goes on and you don’t have to give your power over to others, situations, and depression. I sit here disappointed, but remarkably at peace. I feel, but I have things to do and things I can do. Of course there will be times you give in, but let’s just celebrate the times that you don’t because the more you move forward in spite of your feelings, the more empowered you become to heal those feelings and get back into living and loving.
I kid you not, since retrograde, since the new moon, it’s been some strange things happening in my life. They aren’t life altering, chaotic, but enough to make you have “???” floating over your head. If not to leave you puzzled and sometimes pissed. I have no explanation for these little mishaps and annoyances that seem to be running sporadically, yet constant. I just wish this funny business would stop. In the midst, there are grand times, good times, production, positivity, and insight. It’s just these snags are so annoying. I guess the lesson is to, see it, fell it, acknowledge it, work around it, and keep moving on.
All of us have changed physically as we are all aging. Some of us however, have changed physically and it’s not because of aging, but because of some situation, circumstance, accident, incident, illness, or disease. These are the UNEXPECTED changes that affects us physically and mentally. We all seem to have the initial shock of it all, but not many of us embrace it with the same attitudes. Some of us unwillingly accept it in our own time and in our own way. And still, some will never accept it and wither down into a path of despair. If you see them, try to encourage them along the way.
Who’s going to want me after they find out, or see, this or that? It’s a valid question. We live in a judgmental, stereotypical beauty, pretend perfect world. We ourselves have been judgmental perhaps. It’s a terrifying question even if you are married. Will they still want you and how will this change the marriage? Not all remain. Even friends dwindle and relationships fade. Insecurities rise and self esteem tumbles. Imagine not having much of that to begin with and we are looking at developing or increasing anxieties and depression.
Here is the question I ask you, “Do you accept you as you are now?” Maybe you are at the EMPHATICALLY yes stage and maybe you are a definite NO, or somewhere in between. If it’s no or in between then begin the work, yes work of ACCEPTING you as you are. The slow EMBRACE of change, and the ever changing you. Even with my unexpected changes in life, guess what? There will be more. There will be the regular changes of aging and sometimes that happens during the acceptance of the unexpected. A doozey, I know! But acceptance of yourself increases your confidence and helps you brave the fear of the unknown and face the reality. You may not be accepted by someone because of an illness or what you look like now. It may be “too much” for them. Or, you just may be accepted by those that understand and those that can see you for who you truly are or have become.
My journey of acceptance of who I am now was overwhelming. Much like others. However, I am here to tell you that my feet are on solid ground most days. And on the days they are not, I get back up.