I had the displeasure of meeting a person last night and the hostility in the air was so foul we chose to leave rather than to stay and be TOLERATED. I was glad the choice was made because you could choke off the energy in the air. I am really proud of myself and how I am handling the aftermath of the situation. I was prepared because I realize the opposition I am facing being the NEW as the OLD fades to black. I realize it’s a ride to paradise, but not without turbulence! So, had some helluva turbulence last night. Still headed towards my destination.
One thing I have learned in life is to go where you are CELEBRATED and not where you are tolerated. The quote by Maya Angelou above also popped into my mind. It’s funny when you are experiencing a quote, wisdom, or the truth in real time. I won’t forget how I was made to feel. REJECTED. It’s not the first time and even though it’s a negative feeling I also know that I am ACCEPTED by so many others. Why let the negative ride? I won’t. I came home, poured my water, hugged my friend, and lit the Gardenia scented candle that reminds of my “Big Mama” and my childhood. It reminds me that I am well loved, I am beloved, I am accepted by those that matter.
No, I will not sit here and wallow in self pity. No, I will not lay in bed and think myself into depression. No, I will not resort to old habits when things do not go the way I hoped. Last night, I had to get up, go back downstairs and wash the dishes. Something didn’t go the way I thought it would and I was disappointed. I turned off the lights and almost let the feeling stew. Then, I began to think about if this was the way to handle what happened. There was nothing I could do about it. It wasn’t major. Even though, it was feeding into my fear of being lied to and played. Breathe.
You can’t control people and their actions. You can, control your response and what you allow them to do or continue to do. If you want POWER over a situation you have to take action. You have to do the small normal things and this will propel you into doing the major things like ending the saga of a not so good relationship. It will propel you into avoiding anxiety and depression for that day. Life goes on and you don’t have to give your power over to others, situations, and depression. I sit here disappointed, but remarkably at peace. I feel, but I have things to do and things I can do. Of course there will be times you give in, but let’s just celebrate the times that you don’t because the more you move forward in spite of your feelings, the more empowered you become to heal those feelings and get back into living and loving.
I kid you not, since retrograde, since the new moon, it’s been some strange things happening in my life. They aren’t life altering, chaotic, but enough to make you have “???” floating over your head. If not to leave you puzzled and sometimes pissed. I have no explanation for these little mishaps and annoyances that seem to be running sporadically, yet constant. I just wish this funny business would stop. In the midst, there are grand times, good times, production, positivity, and insight. It’s just these snags are so annoying. I guess the lesson is to, see it, fell it, acknowledge it, work around it, and keep moving on.
All of us have changed physically as we are all aging. Some of us however, have changed physically and it’s not because of aging, but because of some situation, circumstance, accident, incident, illness, or disease. These are the UNEXPECTED changes that affects us physically and mentally. We all seem to have the initial shock of it all, but not many of us embrace it with the same attitudes. Some of us unwillingly accept it in our own time and in our own way. And still, some will never accept it and wither down into a path of despair. If you see them, try to encourage them along the way.
Who’s going to want me after they find out, or see, this or that? It’s a valid question. We live in a judgmental, stereotypical beauty, pretend perfect world. We ourselves have been judgmental perhaps. It’s a terrifying question even if you are married. Will they still want you and how will this change the marriage? Not all remain. Even friends dwindle and relationships fade. Insecurities rise and self esteem tumbles. Imagine not having much of that to begin with and we are looking at developing or increasing anxieties and depression.
Here is the question I ask you, “Do you accept you as you are now?” Maybe you are at the EMPHATICALLY yes stage and maybe you are a definite NO, or somewhere in between. If it’s no or in between then begin the work, yes work of ACCEPTING you as you are. The slow EMBRACE of change, and the ever changing you. Even with my unexpected changes in life, guess what? There will be more. There will be the regular changes of aging and sometimes that happens during the acceptance of the unexpected. A doozey, I know! But acceptance of yourself increases your confidence and helps you brave the fear of the unknown and face the reality. You may not be accepted by someone because of an illness or what you look like now. It may be “too much” for them. Or, you just may be accepted by those that understand and those that can see you for who you truly are or have become.
My journey of acceptance of who I am now was overwhelming. Much like others. However, I am here to tell you that my feet are on solid ground most days. And on the days they are not, I get back up.
“Nicole, you need to get out. You need to get with people that like to do the things you like to do. You need to go places you like to go and maybe you will meet people that like to do the things you do.” -Therapist
“Sounds like a plan. I am on it.”- Me
And as I began to search for a group, so began the anxiety. “Nicole, you never come around. Nicole, you hardly ever show up. Nicole, why can’t you go here, there, and everywhere. Nicole, I am tired, too. Nicole, I have done 20 things this week and you have only done 5 and you are exhausted? Why don’t you try ginseng, turmeric, more exercise, go gluten free, try the Keto diet, the Mediterranean diet.” Oh-My-Gosh would you please leave me alone is what I think, but I just nod my head. After all, you are just trying to help I suppose.
I joined a few groups and I started a group in spite of these concerns. I don’t know how it’s going to pan out. I don’t know if they will be like most people and “just don’t get it” or if finally, someone will get it. Either way, I will still be who I am with what I have and on a continuous path to growth. Hopefully, I can make some new friends along the way that enjoy the things I enjoy, too.
My first week of 2019 was peaceful as in a peace of mind. I spent New Year’s Eve at home and my daughter went to a sleep over. I was kind of solemn on New Year’s Eve, but things seem to dissipate some late in the night after fireworks and people shooting their firearms into the air with no care of where it may land. I was able to sleep in a little late and woke up refreshed. Even though, I am facing one huge obstacle (depending on who’s eyes you are looking through, mines or the Creator) this year, I feel that it will be resolved. I am just not certain if the process will be smooth and I think this is where the anxiety lies.
Last night I wrote in my new journal an honest assessment of my anxiety towards the obstacle I face. It’s not that I don’t have faith that God will work it out or has already worked it out. But, it is the processes I have been through in the past to get to the other side of working it out, have usually been rough and turbulent. I have done so much BELIEVING and FAITHING and CRYING my entire life, especially, these last 9 years it’s like I want to brace myself for the worst. In many ways, life has been traumatizing for me. I pray that is not the case. I pray that the “how” it is worked out doesn’t involve turmoil for me. You know, some of us seem to go through more than others I have found it doesn’t ALWAYS have to do with “sin” or “karma” or poor choices. I am not sure it’s because of some “test” because I feel after so long there is no need for a test on addition or subtraction at a certain age. Which leads me to ponder fate and destiny. And the realization that some thing really “just is/are.” You didn’t do anything to deserve it. I think the task is to learn to live without becoming bitter and always looking at the big picture. And in case you can’t see the point or the picture to be at peace with what is.
1Now as Jesus was passing by, He saw a man blind from birth, 2and His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God would be displayed in him.… -John 9:1-3.
I had every intention of going to church this morning. Sunday School included. But, it’s not happening. I am not afraid to say I think it’s mental, emotional, and physical fatigue. Waking up to hip pain didn’t help but really it wasn’t a factor. I think it’s depression, I think it’s the blues, I think it’s boredom. I think it’s been a long time coming because I have seen it before. The snowball of EVERYTHING and here is the strange thing, I still feel the Christmas spirit in the midst. It just so happens that the past few months have caught up with me…I think. I guess. One day isn’t going to fix it. And the truth be told, for the first time ever, unrelated to being single during this time, I can’t wait until the holidays are over. There. I said it. But…I don’t even know if it’s holiday related or if the holidays have exasperated it. This “it.”
I know I am not the only one. Many get like this. It’s just too much of everything and it could be seasonal or it could be totally unrelated. So, what will I do today to get through it. I think I shouldn’t try so hard, push so hard to get through it. I think I should just ease through it. I am getting that this is not the time to barrel through. I feel in my own spirit that this is a delicate time. It’s going to require some honesty about some monumental things in my life that people may not be able to handle, but I can’t die spiritually to make others happy.