It’s one thing to read through your journals and to notice a pattern because not many read and reflect on old entries from a year ago. But when social media shows you your memories and you see posts, blogs, etc. with things that are happening around the same time each year, take note. Especially, if it’s some kind of timing or pattern that you seem to want to be free of, vow to break free of yet, you find yourself still dealing with the same person or issue. Perhaps, in the same situation. If there has been progress please note that. If there is not, then observe and ask yourself why not?
Sometimes the patterns can be a good thing. I noticed that around September, I need a sabbatical. I noticed January through mid March I am not about the “doing” and New Year hysteria. I embrace those times now. However, as I say a past blog which I reposted Friday, and a some of my post from social media around this time, I notice I opt to leap, stop, leave but I end up right back in the pits of hell I had the unction to leave. And I wonder why I see very little progress in the area I desire to see progress. I sit here and ponder still, why do I keep going back to the very thing that saddens me? Disturbs my peace. And how do I not feel bad about it because I do feel bad about it.
In fact, I almost began to beat myself up about it. But I recall I had just did an mental health exercise about internal conversations and the things we say to ourselves that are not true. Examining where those thoughts and go to things come from and how to change the narrative in my head. Yep. Still learning to do better with that. So, instead of calling yourself weak, and idiot, a loser or feeling bad about getting pulled back in by feeling guilty, pressure by others or yourself or religion, or saying you are a phoney because you can’t even do what you say you will do or advise others to do, take a deep breath. Exhale. And just don’t with the narrative in your head. Disengage and ask yourself these things instead:
How did I end up back here again? What drawed me back in? When do I see to GO BACK to doing or to a place I say I am done with? (Look for actual seasons, dates, journal entries, posts, etc. Was it a person that manipulated you back into the situation? Did they use God or their own tactics?)
How can I prevent this from happening again now that I am aware of the pattern? Once you have the information you can use it to be on alert. OH-I was pulled back in during the holidays. Oh, it was an emergency and I was pulled back in. Oh, I felt guilty seeing them suffer and I went back to help only to be hurt again. AWARENESS is a BIG DEAL. Maybe you got bored. Maybe things were not going as you planned and you went back. Was it worth it?
I hope this helps us. If you are like me and have looked up tp find yourself back in a cage that has no lock. I am not going to talk down to myself. I am going to set myself free again and I am determined to remain free. At least now, I am more aware and that makes me better equipped to not return to a place that sucks the life out of me. I am willing to explore these questions and to listen better to instructions. I am willing to take a look at my weaknesses and to strengthen them.
~Nikki
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