Getting used to this “evolved” me is like driving a new car. You know how to drive but you’re unfamiliar with where everything is. The car and you aren’t one yet. It feels different. I’m reacting differently or either reacting the same but quickly correcting myself. I know I have work to do because we will always be working on ourselves. Well, those of us that understand that life is about growing until you leave this realm.
I’m in a space where when it comes to some choices, no matter what I choose, it will work out. And that feels strange. It feels strange because things haven’t worked out for me the way I believe or thought they would often. Maybe, I am really starting to believe and understand that things will work out when you try. I mean when you really put forth effort and make informed or the best decisions you can make. Maybe, it’s starting to work out when you mature. When you listen to others that know what they are talking about and have actually lived this life for a while. Maybe, it’s because you have more experience and you have grown in ways you never thought.
I’m also in a space where alignment is happening and I can actually see it. I can SEE it happening. Such a contrast from my year of endings last year.
Feelings are intense this month. They are meant to guide you, not drive you.
Master something this month. It can be a class. It can be yourself, your mouth, your attitude but, it cannot be someone else or what they are doing. Master something this month. New or something you’ve been dealing with.
There is a loosening of restrictions. Do you want to be free?
You can do anything but you cannot do everything. It is wise to know what you cannot do. It is not a sign of weakness or a lack of intelligence. No man is an island.
The fire is hotter this month. Strike while the iron is hot.
“Thoughts that are out of alignment with your spiritual truth are toxic”- The Sacred Yes
Spring is the NEW YEAR.
You may now FEEL like doing those things you set out to do on the Gregorian calendar in December/January. You might feel more energetic, optimistic, refreshed. It took me a while to start moving along with nature and God.
I’m still learning to be attentive of the seasons and the timing of them. And leaves, flowers, vegetation, don’t just happen overnight in spring. There’s a process underneath and within. And even that process is affected by its region, environment, and weather.
Purge your space, circle, mind, body, and spirit.
Get your fresh nourishment. Get your fresh information. You’ve written the vision and now your steps are being ordered. Introduce some movement, action to the vision, dreams, goals.
Early this morning my tummy was aching. I have had issues with it since January 2023 and mentioned it to the gastroenterologist who I saw this week. I was there for an unrelated issue. I will have a colonoscopy as well as an endoscopy next month. Sounds like joy, right? Well, as I got up this morning and began my day, I didn’t feel well emotionally either. I was a bit conflicted about what I wanted to do and also there were other things weighing on my mind. I wanted to go out to dinner because my aunt wanted to take me out for my upcoming birthday but, I was not in the mood to sit through a lackluster sermon. I opted to listen to a livestream sermon and I found myself feeling disconnected and distracted. I was being triggered by one thing and distracted by several and this was creating disconnect. I wanted to escape somewhere and I also wanted to not hear anything. I wanted silence but, I felt there was something in this sermon for me.
There were two things, “Glory has triggers, too” and “There are times you will have to go back to what you left and there are times you will have to leave a place for whatever reason”. I understood the latter to be a reminder of seasons. There is a season for everything. Also, there are some places in life you never go back to and some people as well.
While I recognized my trigger this morning, the sermon opened up my eyes to the fact that not all triggers are bad. Some you have to face in order to release the power it has over you. And some triggers remind you of good places, good times, and good feelings. Some triggers remind you of who you are or how you overcame something similar. It gives you the power or strength to do it again or to move on.
This morning I decided to make a choice to silence the trigger. I feel good about the choice I made. Today, I want the simplicity of life. I want the CHILL of the day. I want quiet vibes. I want to sit at the park or by the water and feel the breeze. I don’t want to talk about anything stressful and I don’t want anyone that is stressful to call me. Radio silence. So, as I run one errand today, I will probably go to one of my favorite parks and relax. I will take my planner, notebook, and earphones. I think I need this as I prepare for my birthday and receive my “marching orders” for the year.
What does it mean to be at home? Home is a place of refuge. It is a place of peace. It is a place where you are nurtured and sustained. It is a place to which you belong and have a right to be. In this place you are nourished and your needs are provided for. It is the place where you keep your intimate things. It is the place where you love and make love, the place where you play and grow and study. It is the place where you care and you serve. It is your base, so to speak, within the world. No matter what you do or where you go, you are always coming back to this base to become grounded in your humaneness again. Well, this is also what it means to have a spiritual home, except that a spiritual home cannot be contained within four walls. Your spiritual home is Wherever You Are. – The Sacred Yes, by Reverend Deborah L. Johnson
When it comes to your childhood, were you at home? When it comes to fitting into your family, environment or community are you at home? With those in your circle, are you at home? In your relationship, are you at home? When you’re at your job, does it feel at home? I know you would think that a job is not supposed to make you feel at home but a toxic work environment or being out of alignment with your purpose can make you ill. Are you home anywhere in your life?
When I am writing, I feel at home. I feel at home when I am creating things like crocheted items or painting. When I am in my own home, my own sanctuary, because I am not married or in a relationship that is cankerous, I feel at home. Most of the time because I desire a good, healthy relationship, I sometimes long for home. However, I seem to always find my way back to my real home. It’s a home within self. It is God.
I have a friend that deals with reality by not dealing with it. He likes to pretend that his world is perfect in public. He puts his parents and marriage on a pedestal to the world. He is in photos that would make you think all is well. Yet, in his private life there is a different story. He’s the type that makes idle threats about what he’s going to do and say but never acts on them. He’s the one that upholds the wrong doing of his father by being silent. He needs the acceptance of that parent. Plus, the public thinks his parents are amazing. Deep down inside, he’s drowning. The things he does, the moods he has, the thought patterns that keep him trapped, all connected to childhood, religion and young adulthood experiences. He internalizes all of his grief, sorrow, hurt, disappointments, and I worry about the toll it takes on him physically.
If you are ready to heal, grow, improve, stop a bad habit, if you have lost too much and too many people, then take a couple of deep, deep breaths and prepare to go inward. In fact, you may need an oxygen tank because it’s going to take many deep dives to get to the root of some things. Some people start in shallow waters and then make their way to the deep and some just jump in. It’s an unraveling. Some said it’s like peeling back and onion layer by layer. But for me, some of my baggage had more layers than an onion. And if you want to know how long it takes to be healed, check out my other blog post from last week https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2023/01/11/how-long-does-healing-take-inner-work/
You just may have to admit that you are not perfect. You are not always right and may be rarely right. You may have to tell yourself the truth about your household, your feelings about it. You may have to tell yourself the truth about how you grew up and that perhaps your parents were not so perfect, either. You may have to untangle the web of your actions and behaviors. This can be some work and this is why most people leave this earth bound instead of free. They remain the same, sad or angry, silent or pretending, trapped in denial, and steeped in open or hidden misery.
Truth and Honesty are like ammonia or some strong cleaning agent mixed with water. Mixed just right it can get the job done without damaging what it is cleaning. If you ever decide to HEAL or CHANGE you can’t do it without Truth and Honesty. Here is what I have learned about inner work, it’s rewarding. It’s freeing. The “work” can be tiring, dirty, exhausting, but when you are clean, when you come into the light of understanding why you do what you do, say the things you say, act a certain way it gives you knowledge. It gives you POWER to be your AUTHENTIC SELF and to walk in the fullness of your destiny. It gives you WHOLENESS like you have never known but before you may feel like you are being ripped apart. Fear not. It’s only so you can be put back together, with some new parts and reprogrammed. This is when people will say, “Hmm, you’re acting funny. You have changed. There is something different about you.” And it will be true. There is something different about you when you do the work of healing yourself.
It’s not that I didn’t know this. It’s that I ignored this. I learned this year many people are at physical places of worship out of loyalty, tradition, and ritual. They are not getting much out of the leadership that is delivering the Word and they long to be somewhere else. They are trying to stick it out. They are confused about what to do. They know what to do but are afraid to do it. So here we sit. Here we struggle on Saturday or Sunday to get dressed. We drag ourselves to a building to hear a dry and stale message for us. It may be someone’s word but it is NOT our Word. We have to strain to get something each Sunday. We are shamefully glad when service is over.
What I eat spiritually four to five times a month matters greatly. Who I get it from matters greatly. If the Shephard that feeds you is not after God’s own heart but, a shepherd passed down or chosen by a board or worse, a shepherd that called him or herself, you won’t be fed knowledge and understanding. You will be fed something below your level of spiritual maturity. You may even be fed lukewarm food, baby food, or microwave food. You may be fed a sermon from another pastor wrote off the internet. You may be fed slop from a pastor that doesn’t study the Word. You may be fed by a leader that doesn’t walk the walk of the talk they preach on Sunday. Your flesh may be fed by slogans, catchy phrases, and slang that makes you shout but, doesn’t change your life or enlighten you. If there is no oil running from the head then there will be no oil on the people. You need oil. You need the anointing to reside in a holy place.
I found myself eating stale bread this year more often than I would have liked. It is not like fresh bread wasn’t available. I went because I was asked to do something or speak. I went out of obligation. I went because I know it looks bad for me to not be there. I went out of love and then was upset after the meal was served as if I didn’t know there would be mediocracy on the menu.
My spiritual diet is vital to my soul. It is vital to my life. If I didn’t tune into other spiritual leaders and guides, myself, I may have given up on God and I may even have given up on life. Thank goodness, and God, I had eaten enough in the past to pull from. Thank goodness, thank God, I had something to hold onto and that I do have a strong relationship with my Creator.
When you have a week (or weeks) that is seriously overwhelming and you’re on the verge of “exploding or imploding”, one should take some time to RESET and REFOCUS on what you are REALLY supposed to be doing with your life and TIME! Things, life, people, work, social media, will knock you off course if and you won’t realize it until you look up and see the shore of your goals for the year at a distance. You won’t realize it until you are DOING NOTHING you were doing or planned to do.
I took a RESET weekend to get back on course. I extended that weekend to a week. No social media. No running errands for others. I took time to deeply clean my house and spirit. Binaural beets, good sermons, spiritual messages, reading and writing, time in nature daily, and day dreaming was what I needed. I took out my planner/notes and reviewed my goals and got back on track. I detoxed from all of the negativity that was occurring. I didn’t watch the news, either.
So… I need to recognize when things are going off track and I’m involved in the chaos. I need to pull back. I need to RESET and REFOCUS as needed or forfeit my dreams and goals for the year. And that, my friends, is not an option.
It seems like I have finally adjusted to a less than busy schedule. I am becoming acclimated to this slow and steady pace of December. I spoke and set intentions to have an “easy and enjoyable” transition of holidays from the week of Thanksgiving to the first full week of January 2023. I am determined to involve myself in things that are easy and enjoyable more than things that are unnecessarily chaotic and difficult. So far, so good.
I have been taking more naps. I have been watching Christmas movies. I am reflecting and planning. I do need to move my body more. I have done chores in chunks and balanced them out with rest. I have said no to most things that add unnecessary stress. Reminding others that their lack of planning is not my emergency, with a mixture of gentleness and firmness, has freed me of most guilt. Andy Bounds – Bad planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
I am consciously choosing events and whom to socialize with. You do not have to attend everything you are invited to. The mood is smooth, light and airy, boring to some. It’s exactly what I need after the things I’ve gone through and GROWN through. I feel like I need to be infused with hope and joy. I feel as if I need to smile more and laugh more. The last week in December I think I will do a social media detox as well as a physical detox. I hope your December is one of peace and love and heavy on self-love and self-care. While you are giving, don’t forget to give those two things to yourself!
It’s the late, late, late edition! I took the week off because it was one of the most activity/ to-do lists, filled weeks of this month. I made time each evening for myself as one thing that was non-negotiable on the list. I made an exception only if I felt up to staying up late to work one night and I did because I had so much energy (which rarely happens) to burn.
I spoke at my home church this Sunday and the message was STRENGTHEN WHAT REMAINS (Revelations 3:1-2). I will post some keynotes Wednesday and Thursday. The only thing I mused about Sunday was how to make September a month in which I can replenish my spirit, body, and soul. I am not rushing this month away but, I am ready to do much less. I am over Women’s Month at church this month and I know, in my spirit, I should have said no!
Why? Because you can’t keep rescuing people or they will never learn to help themselves. I regretted the moment I said yes. I knew I was out of order. I started to dread the whole thing. I felt a low mood and anxious mood creeping in. I felt overwhelm-ness coming in like a dark cloud. I thought, “I’m just going to do the bare minimum. I’m going to keep it simple. I just want to get it over with.” But God was like, “You can’t do that. You have to give it your very best. You have to work as if you are working for me because you are. Although, you are out of line.” So, I asked God to help me, to give me strength. I also asked for and received forgiveness.
Later, I asked myself what could I do not to become overwhelmed and stressed this month. I knew the “energies” of the month. I wrote this down:
Go to be on time
Shower and soak as often as you need to
Take a sedative if you need to
No food after 8:30 pm
Limit your social media using the well-being app and no social media after 9pm
Enforce boundaries with everyone
Come to a stop with your work and wind down
Throw in some fun even if it’s limited
Women’s Month went from basic to me doing it the way I tend to do things I’m over and that is with excellence. Not perfection, although I can be a bit of a perfectionist, but excellence. Well, at least I will try! So far, things have worked out.
On the 1st Sunday we had a guest speaker.
2nd Sunday we had a tribute to strong women from the history of the church
On the 3rd Sunday we will have a skit on mental health and therapist to speak on mental health and the black community
4th Sunday we will have female Saxophonist to bless us with song
Dressed in Strength is the theme from Proverbs 31:16-17.
I have blabbed enough tonight. I hope you rest well or enjoy your day depending on when you are reading this!
Nikki's Confetti Life 