I still practice this “ritual” but with less restriction. I think from that whole practice of 18 days and 15 minutes, God was basically saying to me what my Spanish teacher use to yell or raise her voice in class when she wanted our undivided attention, “Escuchame! Escuchame!” It means, LISTEN TO ME!
LESSON #3; MAKE AND TAKE THE TIME SO THAT YOU CAN LISTEN TO GOD, SPIRIT, THE CREATOR, DIVINE. Take the time to deepen your connection to strengthen your LISTENING SKILLS. If you make it a priority, if you stay consistent, you will be able to hear before and during a situation instead of always being behind the 8 ball. (Hearing God after the fact).
I decided to give up asking for a mate and looking for a mate. I am not happy about this but, I have a feeling God is delighted. I feel God was waiting on this decision so that we can move on. While God and all of heaven may be rejoicing, I am not. I made this decision Thursday and my mood has not been good to say the least. However, I was informed that God does not need my feelings to be in tune right now, he needs my ears. He needs me to listen. He does not need my feelings. He needs my obedience.
Ever since Thursday, the day I made the decision, God has been speaking to me in various ways. As I sat on the porch and that night, I heard, “I am here” over and over. I saw the numbers, 3333, 33, and 333 Thursday night and Friday. I listened to a prayer Friday morning and I know God was speaking to me via that prayer and certain scripture. I know God was speaking to me as I read. I know God was speaking to me as I listened to a sermon. My mood was dry. I was in a funk. I was feeling afraid, angry, and confused.
But God was not concerned with my feelings. Oh, God cares about my feelings but, was not alarmed or concerned. God didn’t need my feelings to line up with what was being said. God just needed to know I was listening. God is requesting my obedience to what I am hearing. God knows my feelings will subside and different feelings will arise.
God reminded me that this is evolution. For the most part, it will not be easy and it will not feel good but it has its rewards. In the end, I will want for nothing.
3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
James 1:3-4, The Holy Bible (that word perfect in this text means mature, whole)
It’s important to know when you need space and to take it. You need to know when you’ve reached your limits. You need to recognize when your cup is empty and you need a refill. And sometimes that refill is for you and only you.
I need space. I want to relinquish my roles, responsibilities, and titles. I don’t want to answer anyone about anything. “I don’t know and I don’t care.” I would love to say that. “Figure it out yourself or get someone else” sounds good, too. I’d like to tell the inconsiderate people to buzz off. Buzz is not the word I want to use. Yes. I need space.
I need space before I have a meltdown, a blow up. I need space before I have some sort of physical malfunction. I need space before I become totally depressed. I need space. I need space. I need space.
I need to be called, ma’am or Queen. I need to be told, “Our pleasure” and not by Chick-fil-A. I need room service. I need spa services. I “DARN” sure need to be chauffeured everywhere. I need a live band. I need turn down services. I need to be asked, “Is there anything else we can do for you?”. I need the arts. I need to be prayed over in an ancestorial spiritual kind of way. And when I return, I return with bolder boundaries, consequences, rules, and regulations about how NICOLE will be treated from here on out.
I need space and I am going to take it. I am going to take it in a grand way.
The heart needs time to heal. My heart needs more time. How can it heal when people that are close to you leave this earthly realm too close together? I got the news this morning that a very dear friend of mine had left this earthly realm. It had been several days of waiting.
I woke up at 5 am and I got up to start my day earlier than usual. I meditated. Then I started to work on a project and remembered I had not prayed. I started to pray around 5:45 maybe 6 something and I thought of my friend. I almost said, “Lord, let your will be done” but then I stopped at “Lord, let your…”. I couldn’t say it and I told God why. I told God that I was afraid to say it because God’s will may not be my will or her will. I told God that I don’t know what her will is. I don’t know if she is fighting to stay or fighting to leave. So, I just said to God, “Lord, you know.”
Later, at about 9:45 her cousin called to tell she had passed this morning. And all-day yesterday memories flooded my mind. It was a bit overwhelming. My day was saddened and bumpy. I laughed at many of the memories. Oh, the trouble and situations we got in!
I did work on some projects. I did exercise. I had leftovers, lemon pie, currently binge watching Chicago PD, surfing the web, and I will play a game on the computer later after I finish this post. I know I will need a sedative for the night. Then I thought about my brother that passed away. My god mother that passed away. Another classmate and husband of another dear friend passed away. I said aloud, “When does the heart have time to heal? When things like this are back-to-back and all of trouble in the world? My heart needs time to heal.”
“You think you’re better then everyone else!” They said.
“Why do you say that?” I replied.
“Because you just do!” They said.
“You’re still not telling me HOW I am better than you or WHY you think that?” I replied.
This particular person never gave me a clear answer. But, through revelation via Spirit, I figured it out. However there were some that gave me vague answers as this wasn’t the first time I had heard this. Vague answers like, “You’re too quiet. You don’t do anything “wrong”. You are not like us.” So, because I don’t talk loud or I am mostly quiet by nature, I think I am better than them. Because I don’t smoke cigarettes or weed, I think I am better than them. Because I was raised different, not better, just different, I think I am better than them. Because I enjoy the Bible, the Word of God, spirituality, always trying to do right or good, I think I am better than them. Because I mostly stayed out of trouble, I think I am better than them. Because I got good grades, got a little education, I think I am better than them. And the rediculous list continues.
I believe most people don’t think they are better than you and I do think there are some that do! However, you may want to check your REASONING and RATIONALE and RELATIONSHIP with that person to make sure it’s not YOUR OWN INSECURITIES SHOWING UP. You may be just ASSuming a person thinks they are better than you when in fact they are just DIFFERENT by personality or upbringing and life experiences. They may not enjoy being around drunkeness because they grew up in a home where being drunk brought out the worst in a parent. They don’t think they are better than you. They may not be into drugs because of their religion or they hate smoke because it bothers their allergies or they can’t tolerate the smell. Doesn’t mean they think they are better than you. Perhaps you two took different career paths, they needed a degree or certification to be a nurse or teacher. Doesn’t mean they think they are better than you because you drive a truck and enjoy it.
Question your thoughts. Questions your feelings. In families, you have parents telling children that other relatives think “they are better than us because they have a big house and nice car.” Those children grow up thinking those relatives really think they are better than them and it’s really based on their parents’ insecurities and envy. Yes, you may just be jealous. Some children grow up mad at their cousins or half siblings because they had a better living situation or material things than they did. Imagine, you are an adult and still upset that your half brother grew up in a nice home with two parents when that half brother did’t have anything to do ( I want to say sh– t to do with) with what your parents or their parents did with their lives, careers, and incomes.
I grew up in a neighborhood with blue collar workers and white collar workers. I grew up in a neighborhood where two block away there was low income family homes. When we were children I recognized early on that some people had really nice homes that were bigger and better than mine. I also recognized that some of my friends and family were barely getting by. In some homes, no matter the size, there was love and in some no matter the size, type of car, there were some bad situations. I don’t ever remeber being mistreated by friends that had more and those that had less. We just wanted to play. Spending the night was different at everyone’s house. Sometimes breakfast was made by the parent in the house and other times, my friends or cousins would cook breakfast for us. I just wanted to eat and didn’t care if it was served on fine china or chinette paper plates!
I’m done with explaining to people who are bent on misunderstanding me. I am DIFFERENT. They can deal with it because I already have. I already have accepted the fact that I am not like others. We all are unique and that needs to be recognized and appreciated. I never was really loud or wild but, that doesn’t make me think I am better than anyone. I grew up in a two parent home but, I don’t think I am better than others that didn’t have both parents at home. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors of the houses you drive by. I am a single parent. Proudly and unaplogetically. So, with that being said, those of us that are different from you, with different experiences, different educational levels, etc. for the most part aren’t walking around with our noses in the air. Get to know someone and appreciate the differences and embrace the commonalities. And question your own thoughts and feelings.
Plan it. Do it. Discipline. Via time with God, I discovered my problem is, my root problem is a lack of confidence that stems from childhood. I was made to feel that nothing I did was good enough or right. None of the choices I made were the best or right per one of my parents. Although I have worked diligently through this there is still residuals of it that seep out in little ways. This is why I always say you will be working on yourself the entire time you are here. How on earth will you find time to fix, correct, and criticize everyone else “if” you are busy working on yourself.
Via God/Spirit: I tell you this; DO IT. Do your work and expect errors. Expect people not to like it or to like you but, you don’t have to be defensive about who and what people like. You don’t like certain people and you don’t like what they are talking about, teaching about, speaking of and the difference is you have learned that you don’t have to voice or write that unless what they are saying is filled with hate. I am not of hate, division, or things of that energy. And even then, you need to know when to speak and when not to.
Via God/Spirit: See mistakes as teachers and tools to help you grow. Ah, you are embarrassed and ashamed when you make mistakes. Yet, you always defend and tell others it’s okay if they make mistakes. You don’t give yourself the same grace and mercy. I know. It was never okay for you to make mistakes. And when you did, boy were you ever ridiculed merciless at times. Give yourself the same grace and mercy you give others. I gave you grace and mercy then, now, and in the future. Release that thinking. Let’s work on that.
You don’t have to choose unhappiness just because you are used to choosing unhappiness or being unhappy. -God
God, life, the universe, or whatever you call Source, is teaching and it’s your choice to learn. I learned after all of these years, this year, I don’t have to make a choice that I know will make me unhappy simply because I am used to unhappiness. What am I talking about? I have not been so lucky in the dating arena (but I have definitely been blessed to have dodged some bullets!) and I only realized this year that some of the choices I made were choices that I KNEW would more than likely lead me to unhappiness but, I made those choices anyway.
You know like ignoring your intuition, your gut, the Holy Spirit, the voice in your head. I had more than enough evidence numerous times giving a person a chance or a second chance or third or…years would only lead to more unhappiness. I made those choices in hopes of a better outcome but, with this last relationship, if you can call it that, I was making it out of the habit of being disappointed.
As I look back, I can see where I made the choice out of hope in some of my past relationships and where I made it SUBCONSCIOUSLY out of unhappiness. Sometimes we have been disappointed, unhappy, or things have been delayed for so long we think we are never going to get them. Therefore, we self-sabotage or set ourselves up for failure unknowingly. I was doing this in various ways. I may have stop allowing certain brazing mistreatment but, I was still going against my gut, allowing mild subpar treatment, dragging things out just because I wanted something to be there, I knew CLEARLY was not there but, fearing I would make the wrong decision.
When I heard that statement, “You don’t have to choose unhappiness just because you are used to choosing unhappiness or being unhappy”, it wasn’t a light bulb moment. It was as if a light from heaven, like the sun was turned on.
And because they made decisions, ideas flowed to them. Solutions came to them. Creativity flowed from them. All of this came to them, from Source and sources (like angels, dreams, people, ancestors, etc.) to help them achieve their goals. They are assisted in the manifestation of their dreams and visions and desires BECAUSE THEY MADE A CHOICE.
They are willing to be temporarily uncomfortable to achieve their goals. (Are you willing to be uncomfortable to achieve your goals?). Then make decisions about your life! And refrain from indecision. You belong in the ranks of those that make decisions and those that have learned to make right decisions.
Reference: The Power of Right Decision Making by Charles Raymond Barker
Last week was a week for the books. I held my 4th Woman emPowered Up Conference online and according to the numbers, it was a flop. My speakers were top notch. The very last night no one showed up and it was my turn to speak. I recorded the talk and then my daughter came on as I was wrapping it up. The challenge wasn’t remaining satisfied with being obedient and going forth, I didn’t care about the numbers as if I needed numbers to validate me or the conference. If that is the case, then why was I so sadden? Why was I angry?
I didn’t even know I was angry until I did a heart chakra guided meditation and it spoke about being angry. This is when Spirit spoke to me and said you are angry. I knew I was sad but angry? Let me figure out why I was sad first and then I will figure out why I am angry. I continued to do meditation. I did yoga while listening to music for the heart chakra. As I was doing yoga, I got these messages:
You are sad because you wanted people to receive the valuable information you had to give. You wanted more people to share your passion of wisdom and knowledge with. And for this you will be blessed.
You are angry that your family and friends didn’t show up but, you should not be angry with them. You can’t always be there for them, remember? And they can’t always be there for you. Extend to them the same grace and mercy you extend to yourself. Give them the same understanding and compassion.
Notes from Orange Beach: I have regrets. I regret inviting my guest.
Notes from Orange Beach: Every sunrise and sunset are different and it never gets old.
Notes from Orange Beach: Stingrays and their symbology are me. The Stingray spirit animal symbolizes maneuverability. … The Stingray meaning speaks about sensitivity, and the need to blend into your environment create peace and harmony. You don’t always need to react to situations, because sometimes it’s better to step back and not engage.