Tag: life journey

Moving Through Depression

FROM MY SPIRIT
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On my way home from dropping my daughter off at campus Sunday, I felt my mood change. It was like that light switch. I am now familiar with it and I knew what was happening. Familiar, yes. Understand it? Not quite. I am always so frustrated when depression hits “out of the blue” or I can’t figure out what triggered it. If I know what the trigger was then I can better address it. But when I do not know, I get upset. I get angry because I don’t want to feel the way I am feeling and it takes some time for me to know if this is light depression? Moderate? Are we headed towards severe? I get anxious. I get…frustrated.

I just didn’t have the energy to figure it out Sunday evening because I was tired from the ride. I was able to make dinner and to just do the best I could to take care of myself. I showered. I did my nightly routine. I decided to just tune everything out and watch TV. I made myself comfy on the couch and called my parents and texted my daughter early to say my goodnights, etc. I thought maybe if I can just sleep when it’s time for me to go to bed, I will be okay Monday. I did not eat healthily that evening. I snacked quite a bit. Note: On my way home, I tried listening to positive things like a sermon and things that interested me on YouTube. I didn’t want to sink too low, too fast.

I woke up Monday and I was still depressed. I said to myself, “Well, this must be moderate depression. I feel like I can fix me something to eat. I don’t want to be bothered. I can still do a few things on my list that are easy for me. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to talk.” If this was severe, I would not want to do anything. This includes fixing food. Getting out of bed. I wouldn’t want to hear any noise. Go anywhere. Do anything.

It feels like strings of cans tied to my ankles and making noise every time I move. Weird. I know. The noise is the sharp criticizing negative inner dialogue that takes place during these episodes. If I drop something. “Clumsy.” If I can’t remember something, “Stupid”. Or just crazy thoughts from current, the past, “Look at you. Can’t even get dressed. No man wants to be around you if you ever get one. He can’t take this. Hell, people can’t take it.” “What the hell is wrong with you? Why was I born with these issues?” “What is wrong with my brain?” “Can’t live out your dreams like this.”

I FIRED BACK. LIES. GO TO HELL. IF HE CAN’T DEAL WITH IT, HE’S NOT THE ONE. PEOPLE ARE STUPID. I CAN NAME FRIENDS THAT UNDERSTAND. THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT DO GET IT. THOSE THAT DON’T, DON’T MATTER. I CAN ACCOMPLISH MY DREAMS AND REACH MY DESTINTY. SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE THESE ISSUES AND ARE SUCCESSFUL.

When it’s severe, it feels like a mountain on my back or like I am carrying around twice my weight. I imagine. So, instead of fighting it, I followed my normal morning routine. Well, sort of. Pray. Instead of coffee I wanted something cold. Read. Meditation. Post. I prayed some more. I called my parents so that I could see how they were doing and to let them know what was going on. I didn’t feel like being bothered unless it was urgent. I do this for two reasons: If you don’t tell the people you talk to daily, they will think something is wrong and worry if you don’t answer. Second, if I do answer and I have this mood they will take it personal because…they don’t know what is wrong.

Eat Well. I ate well for breakfast and lunch. I snacked well, too. I made myself do yoga for depression. It was restorative yoga where the poses were held longer and were to target specific areas of the body. I almost said forget it. But I stayed with the practice. I gave into it. I opened up my notebook of affirmations and I read some and then I wrote some that came to me during this depressing episode.

Even in my depression, I am loved. I deserve love. I am love.

I am worthy of love. I am still valuable. I still deserve to be happy.

Even under this dark cloud, I deserve the sunshine.

This too will pass. It’s just a moment. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning and morning can come at any time.

I will wait for morning. I don’t have to wait perfectly. But I know morning is coming. Always.

I don’t have to understand it. I don’t have to explain it. I just have to know I will be okay. God is with me. God is with me. God is with me.

Photo by Ian Beckley on Pexels.com

Later Monday evening, I begin to feel lighter. Yes. It was lifting. I felt like talking to a friend that called earlier. I felt like going for a walk and I did.

~Nikki

The Love Experience: The Characteristics of Love

FROM MY SPIRIT, Relationship Energy, Woman Power Up

Love is patient and kind;

Love does not envy or boast;

It is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way;

It is not irritable or resentful;

It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV)

How do I know if he/she loves me? How do I know if I love myself? How do I know if I love others?

~Nikki

The Cleaning Agents Truth and Honesty: Inner Work

FROM MY SPIRIT, Relationship Energy, Uncategorized, Woman Power Up
Photo by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels.com

I have a friend that deals with reality by not dealing with it. He likes to pretend that his world is perfect in public. He puts his parents and marriage on a pedestal to the world. He is in photos that would make you think all is well. Yet, in his private life there is a different story. He’s the type that makes idle threats about what he’s going to do and say but never acts on them. He’s the one that upholds the wrong doing of his father by being silent. He needs the acceptance of that parent. Plus, the public thinks his parents are amazing. Deep down inside, he’s drowning. The things he does, the moods he has, the thought patterns that keep him trapped, all connected to childhood, religion and young adulthood experiences. He internalizes all of his grief, sorrow, hurt, disappointments, and I worry about the toll it takes on him physically.

If you are ready to heal, grow, improve, stop a bad habit, if you have lost too much and too many people, then take a couple of deep, deep breaths and prepare to go inward. In fact, you may need an oxygen tank because it’s going to take many deep dives to get to the root of some things. Some people start in shallow waters and then make their way to the deep and some just jump in. It’s an unraveling. Some said it’s like peeling back and onion layer by layer. But for me, some of my baggage had more layers than an onion. And if you want to know how long it takes to be healed, check out my other blog post from last week https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2023/01/11/how-long-does-healing-take-inner-work/

You just may have to admit that you are not perfect. You are not always right and may be rarely right. You may have to tell yourself the truth about your household, your feelings about it. You may have to tell yourself the truth about how you grew up and that perhaps your parents were not so perfect, either. You may have to untangle the web of your actions and behaviors. This can be some work and this is why most people leave this earth bound instead of free. They remain the same, sad or angry, silent or pretending, trapped in denial, and steeped in open or hidden misery.

Truth and Honesty are like ammonia or some strong cleaning agent mixed with water. Mixed just right it can get the job done without damaging what it is cleaning. If you ever decide to HEAL or CHANGE you can’t do it without Truth and Honesty. Here is what I have learned about inner work, it’s rewarding. It’s freeing. The “work” can be tiring, dirty, exhausting, but when you are clean, when you come into the light of understanding why you do what you do, say the things you say, act a certain way it gives you knowledge. It gives you POWER to be your AUTHENTIC SELF and to walk in the fullness of your destiny. It gives you WHOLENESS like you have never known but before you may feel like you are being ripped apart. Fear not. It’s only so you can be put back together, with some new parts and reprogrammed. This is when people will say, “Hmm, you’re acting funny. You have changed. There is something different about you.” And it will be true. There is something different about you when you do the work of healing yourself.

~Nikki

My Top 12 Lessons of 2022 Lesson 12: My Spiritual Diet Is Important

FROM MY SPIRIT, Uncategorized
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It’s not that I didn’t know this. It’s that I ignored this. I learned this year many people are at physical places of worship out of loyalty, tradition, and ritual. They are not getting much out of the leadership that is delivering the Word and they long to be somewhere else. They are trying to stick it out. They are confused about what to do. They know what to do but are afraid to do it. So here we sit. Here we struggle on Saturday or Sunday to get dressed. We drag ourselves to a building to hear a dry and stale message for us. It may be someone’s word but it is NOT our Word. We have to strain to get something each Sunday. We are shamefully glad when service is over.

What I eat spiritually four to five times a month matters greatly. Who I get it from matters greatly. If the Shephard that feeds you is not after God’s own heart but, a shepherd passed down or chosen by a board or worse, a shepherd that called him or herself, you won’t be fed knowledge and understanding. You will be fed something below your level of spiritual maturity. You may even be fed lukewarm food, baby food, or microwave food. You may be fed a sermon from another pastor wrote off the internet. You may be fed slop from a pastor that doesn’t study the Word. You may be fed by a leader that doesn’t walk the walk of the talk they preach on Sunday. Your flesh may be fed by slogans, catchy phrases, and slang that makes you shout but, doesn’t change your life or enlighten you. If there is no oil running from the head then there will be no oil on the people. You need oil. You need the anointing to reside in a holy place.

I found myself eating stale bread this year more often than I would have liked. It is not like fresh bread wasn’t available. I went because I was asked to do something or speak. I went out of obligation. I went because I know it looks bad for me to not be there. I went out of love and then was upset after the meal was served as if I didn’t know there would be mediocracy on the menu.

My spiritual diet is vital to my soul. It is vital to my life. If I didn’t tune into other spiritual leaders and guides, myself, I may have given up on God and I may even have given up on life. Thank goodness, and God, I had eaten enough in the past to pull from. Thank goodness, thank God, I had something to hold onto and that I do have a strong relationship with my Creator.

~Nikki

My Top 12 Lessons of 2022 Lesson 11: Some People Like You But, They Don’t Like You

FROM MY SPIRIT, Woman Power Up
Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA on Pexels.com

I asked my daughter, “Have you ever had someone like you but they don’t like you?” And before I could explain she exclaimed, “Oh my God! Yessss mama!”

I was shocked she understood and I continued to go in depth into the matter. “It’s like they would like you if you they didn’t have a reputation to uphold.” They would like you if they hadn’t been talking about you behind your back so badly or in the same room as they text their friends about you. There are moments when they let their guard down when others aren’t around but as soon as their clique appears or squad the part of them that would be in harmony with you disappears. Deep down inside they suspect you would be a good friend or an asset but their pride won’t let them connect with you. Instead, they find ways to drive more wedges between you and them. I mean after all; they would have to admit they are wrong about you and face the firing squad of their group. They remain two-faced. Two-faced people can never, ever be trusted. “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” James 1:8 You wouldn’t trust a two-legged chair.

It takes a courageous and mature person to say, “I was wrong about you.” I’ve had people say that to me and I have said it to others. It is usually after you get to know a person or see something in them that indicates you have misjudged or misunderstood them.

Lesson: With great deliberation and intention, make meaningful connections with people that want to do the same with you. Remove yourself from places and spaces you’re not welcomed.

“And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house or city, shake off the dust of your feet.” Matthew 10:14

~Nikki

My Top 12 Lessons of 2022 Lesson 10: You Can’t Escape the Season You Are In

FROM MY SPIRIT
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Life has ebb and flow, ups and downs. Life also has seasons. Someone had an amazing year. They were on top of the world. Someone had a good year with some hard moments or situations. Someone had a very rough year and had to search long and hard for silver linings. I was the latter.

I spent the first part of the year trying to resist the season I was in. I knew it would be a season or year of endings but, I didn’t think it would be as difficult and as challenging as it was. I kept in mind “With endings come new beginnings” and was expecting those new beginnings to show up right away. They did not and when they didn’t, I fought against it. I gave up several times but got back up after sleeping (resting see https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2022/12/22/my-top-lessons-of-2022-lesson-9-sleep-is-powerful/ ) and spiritual guidance.

It was the middle of the year when God spoke and told me I was going through an evolution. I would not be the same. It was then that I realized this was not the first time in my life I had gone through an evolution. In fact, I have and we have been going through periods of evolution in our lives since birth and awareness. And we will continue because life has seasons and/or cycles that repeat themselves. Once you recognize what is going on you can handle things better. You can cope with things better as you grow in grace and wisdom. I thought I wasn’t going to make it sometimes because life seemed so dark this year. But what I now understand is that birth can sometimes look like death because of the pain, suffering, and darkness surrounding the removal of old ways, patterns, things, and people.

In the Bible, when the man whose hand was withered was told by Jesus to “stretch forth his hand” I bet it felt like his entire arm was going to break and fall off. Imagine something being as tight, unused muscle, bone, and tissue being a particular way for years and years and it unfolding. I felt like I was being dashed against mountains. I felt like I was being abandoned. There was great confusion. There was despair and disdain. There was anger. God took it all. God can take whatever you throw because God understands you will be okay, better, afterwhile. God doesn’t take it personal. I was being UNFOLDED from the WOMB of old habits, attachments, patterns, people and things that no longer served by higher good. I was coming into a larger space like a baby folded up in a womb for 9 months being birth. The baby has no idea what is happening. The baby cries after birth and needs to do so to clear the airways in order to breathe. People will rejoice at the baby but, they don’t want to hear about your labor pain. I want you to know it’s a sacred time with you and the Creator. Most of the people interested in your labor pain are those that are in labor or have been in labor.

My limbs (my mind and heart in this case) needed to unfold into this new space, this new era of my life. Being born is a season you can’t control. It can only be accepted. Sometimes it will be during the process and sometimes it will be after the process spiritually speaking. You may not even fully accept it until much after or when you come into awareness that it was birthing season. A season of coming through a very long dark canal wondering if there is a light at the end. Sometimes fearing the light at the end. Sometimes not realizing that you are light in the tunnel coming into a new space. In life we must continue to EXPAND.

My mantra for next year (given to me in prayer and meditation) is to BE YOUR LIGHT AND SHINE UNAPOLOGICALLY. You read it correctly. Be your light. I am not to be a light or the light but to be my light. We all have a light within that shines. Your light within is not like my light. My light is not like yours. I don’t get to create your light and tell you how to shine. This light is created in you by a Higher Power. I could not escape the season I was in. It was happening whether I was aware of it or not. Now that I look back on some years in my life where “all hell was breaking loose” it is because it was. I was being born again.

“You are the world’s light—it is impossible to hide a town built on the top of a hill.” Matthew 5:14

Your light is needed in this world!

~Nikki

My Top Lessons of 2022 Lesson #8: Fall Out of Love

FROM MY SPIRIT, Woman Power Up

Photo by Clara on Pexels.com

A letter to myself.

Dear Nicole,

Please hurry up and fall out of love with things and people that do not love you like you need to be loved. When I say things, I mean habits and ideas or ideals that no longer serve you. And especially, the ones that never served you in the first place. These things are holding up your progression. When I say people, I mean friendships and relationships. Fall out of love with the need to belong to a huge group of “girlfriends”. Please hurry up and fall out of love with that deep down inside longing to be accepted by your religious peers. It’s your need for acceptance stemming from childhood that keeps you bound. You oblige yourself to people that do not want you or really like you. AND you know it because you FEEL it.

It may be easier to say never fall in love with someone who doesn’t love you but, you may be the one that develops feelings first and the other person does a little later. But once you realize that the love is not there or doesn’t reciprocate in the manner designed for you, fall out of love with that person. Walk your feelings back. Pull back and pull off. As a friend once told you, “Put your heart in your pocket and not on your sleeve.” It is okay to and necessary for your growth and progression to fall out of love with things and people that do not love you. You can operate in a love for mankind for those people. A “Godly” love.

With Unconditional Love,

~Nicole

P.S. You cannot make deep connections where there are puddles in people. -Nicole Jackson

My Top 12 Lessons of 2022 Lesson #4 “Parenting Ain’t Easy but, Somebody’s Gotta Do It”

Uncategorized
Photo by Nikki’s Confetti Life 2022

You’d be surprised how many parents are trying to parent a 12-year-old as if they were parenting a 3-year-old. It’s because we get stuck thinking in the traditional role of parenting. We parent as our parents parented without questioning what worked and what didn’t work. It’s because we get stuck in cultural parenting. We do not explore or welcome any new information. We also don’t listen to our intuition, spirit, or Holy Spirit. We don’t take sound advice. Most parents are just now realizing that no two or three children are the same and you have to parent them in different ways at different times. Yep. Parenting is hard.

I now have a young adult. This year I discovered I needed to step into my new role which comes with many hats. Those hats are Guide, Confidant, Spiritual Teacher, Supporter, Friend with Boundaries like Doctors with Borders 😀 and yet I am still MOM.

I also learned from my dad, “Okay. I am praying for you.” If you are a parent, check this one out https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2022/11/06/sunday-morning-coffee-musings-okay-im-praying-for-you/ It is wisdom you can take with you.

This leg of parenting was part of my evolution. It took some HUGE adjustments like letting go of control. Yes. We want to control our children out of fear and out of wanting the best for them. We want to protect them from everything. With all of the control in the world, our parents could not shield us from failure, mistakes, heartaches, and heartbreaks. They could not keep us from the ugliness of prejudice and racism. They could not keep us from finding out some things the hard way. It is scary. It is tough. It can be rough parenting and navigating the unknown. We still have the “unknown” in our own lives. The unknown of what the future holds. This is why we must stay in the NOW as parents as much as possible. We shape and mold in a different way at different stages of their lives and I am certain that after all of this “young adult stuff” is over with it will be up to her, God, and life to continue to shape and mold with me adding my two million (as oppose to two cents) of bought lessons and wisdoms.

~Nikki

My Top Lessons of 2022: Lesson #3 “Escuchame!”

FROM MY SPIRIT
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In March, I took some dedicated time with God and called it, “Coffee with God”. I posted my 18 days of 15 minutes with God as I either, prayed, meditated, read from a specific book, or just sat there listening. Sometimes I spent the 15 minutes in nature. I wrote in my journal what came from the time spent. I shared it with you as a series https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2022/06/05/excerpts-from-my-coffee-with-god-time-i-dont-fully-trust-god/

I still practice this “ritual” but with less restriction. I think from that whole practice of 18 days and 15 minutes, God was basically saying to me what my Spanish teacher use to yell or raise her voice in class when she wanted our undivided attention, “Escuchame! Escuchame!” It means, LISTEN TO ME!

LESSON #3; MAKE AND TAKE THE TIME SO THAT YOU CAN LISTEN TO GOD, SPIRIT, THE CREATOR, DIVINE. Take the time to deepen your connection to strengthen your LISTENING SKILLS. If you make it a priority, if you stay consistent, you will be able to hear before and during a situation instead of always being behind the 8 ball. (Hearing God after the fact).

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Big Mad

FROM MY SPIRIT, Sunday Morning Coffee Musings

I decided to give up asking for a mate and looking for a mate. I am not happy about this but, I have a feeling God is delighted. I feel God was waiting on this decision so that we can move on. While God and all of heaven may be rejoicing, I am not. I made this decision Thursday and my mood has not been good to say the least. However, I was informed that God does not need my feelings to be in tune right now, he needs my ears. He needs me to listen. He does not need my feelings. He needs my obedience.

Ever since Thursday, the day I made the decision, God has been speaking to me in various ways. As I sat on the porch and that night, I heard, “I am here” over and over. I saw the numbers, 3333, 33, and 333 Thursday night and Friday. I listened to a prayer Friday morning and I know God was speaking to me via that prayer and certain scripture. I know God was speaking to me as I read. I know God was speaking to me as I listened to a sermon. My mood was dry. I was in a funk. I was feeling afraid, angry, and confused.

But God was not concerned with my feelings. Oh, God cares about my feelings but, was not alarmed or concerned. God didn’t need my feelings to line up with what was being said. God just needed to know I was listening. God is requesting my obedience to what I am hearing. God knows my feelings will subside and different feelings will arise.

God reminded me that this is evolution. For the most part, it will not be easy and it will not feel good but it has its rewards. In the end, I will want for nothing.

3 Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

James 1:3-4, The Holy Bible (that word perfect in this text means mature, whole)

~Nikki