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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: There Comes A Time Again and Again

My granddad holding my daughter. A precious memory.

“There comes a time” and that time will come again and again in your life if you choose to GROW and CHANGE. It will also come whether you choose to accept things or not. There comes a time when loved ones transition and transform. You either accept it or not or fall in between. That time will come again and again. There comes a time, you may have your heart broken or break a heart. That time comes again and again for some.

I have chosen to grow, develop my higher self until I choose to leave the Earth school, and to change for my good. My current “there comes a time again and again” is the fact that I am becoming aware of what a love for yourself and others can do when it comes to choosing or accepting a mate. When you embody love, or even attempt to embody a deep love for self and others, it’s difficult to accept unloving behavior in your own personal space. Therefore, if it’s not love, if it’s not love reciprocated, in your own personal space, it falls away. I’m speaking of a romantic love. Eros.

When you understand the importance and the depth of equally yoked, of being in synch, being on the same page or at least in the same book, it’s almost impossible to accept or remain in a relationship that is vastly a contrast to what love looks and feels like for you. For me, it’s not perfect but, it damn sure isn’t habitual cheating and lying. It definitely isn’t 80% hell and 20% peace. It isn’t stale or a settling. There is no chase for me but, a meeting up. A linking of energy and chemistry. It can happen quickly or it can happen over time. I like a steady pace. There is acceptance and likeness when it comes to spirituality and religion. There is an atmosphere of “team work” and making dreams work. There are disagreements to be expected but, no one is ready to jump ship for rain or storms. And prayerfully, the storms are far, few, and in between.

I’m still in this evolving, “there comes a time again and again” when it comes to love and I am starting to think (Okay. I know.) it’s a HUGE part of my journey and evolution. Some days I willing accept the assignment and other days, I rebel.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Fragile

It’s not so funny how you think that what you and another person have is solid but, it turns out to be quite fragile. What’s really going on here I asked myself (and God) until I received an answer. Make it make sense. The simple answer is you may have been way more invested in it, the friendship, relationship, partnership than they were. It may have been layered with somewhat equal exchanges but the EMOTIONAL investment for you was much greater. Therefore, you feel a bigger let down and may have difficulty “wrapping your head around” their ability to move on as if it was nothing. I’m not saying they didn’t care. I am saying it was just not as much as you did. The bond was only on your end and your “deep” connection was more than likely a one way thing.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Total Gut Job

I watch a great deal of HGTV and I know what it means when they say, “It’s going to be a total “gut job” for this room. It means heavy demo. Everything must go. It means this will cost much more money than they estimated. The definition? It means completely removing everything in a building down to the studs and can include removing the floors and all interior walls as well.

Imagine a gut job being done on you. Completely removing everything inside of your being down to the (heart, mind, spirit) soul and can include removing polluted belief systems and people, and all interior negative thoughts or energy. Gut jobs are a lot of WORK. They go into the space and tear it down with sledge hammers, jack hammers, drills, and all sorts of tools. It takes manpower to get the job done. It’s noisy and messy and sometimes dangerous. You may find rot and mold in the walls and underneath the floors. Sometimes, old wiring is bad or configured wrong and not up to code.

So what about us? What about all of the things that are in us that need to be uncovered and removed. You know they say Jesus of Nazareth was a carpenter so this should sit well with some Christians as well as those that claim spirituality (I claim them both. Don’t worry. God and I are at peace with this choice.) So, I found in the Bible, like you may find in other books, scriptures about removing “factious” people from your life after the first and second warning. (Titus 3:10). WOW. This is exactly what has unfolded before me. I am on the second warning and I have decided to remove it completely. A total gut job. Ouch!

But this goes for any factious (divided, schismatic, contentious, argumentative, quarreling, tumultuous, rebellious, seditious) person. You would be wise to remove them with the first and second warning (if you missed it the first time).

Do you think a spiritual and mental gut job feels good? No. It doesn’t. But it’s necessary for the remodel. It’s necessary for the NEW. The book of Ezekiel talks about God, the Creator removing detestable things and abominations from the people of Israel. I’d like for you to see this as some of the old, antiquated, biased and prejudice belief systems you have being removed. Demo is in full effect and here we run into rot and mold. Hazmat suit up and allow spirit to remove by guiding your thinking into current times. It’s time to gain a greater perspective with all of the information we have available to us now.

It’s all coming down and being torn apart. Nothing but the bare bones will be left. Breathe. It will get you through the demolition and the installation of the new. The Creator will bring your inner being up to code. But, you are the manpower. You have to get it done with the power of choice. You get it done with prayer and some deep meditation. You get it done with exercise. I really prefer yoga or tai chi. While walking you can focus on nature. Nature is healing. You get it done with wise counsel and a therapist. Yes sit and ma’am. I said therapist. Pretty soon, you will be whole with a completely new outlook on life, love, dreams, and relationships. Your path will be brighter and clearer. And the reveal will be stunning! The before and after you will amaze the world and you may even shock your self!

~Nikki

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Oh Yeah, In March I Had a Birthday

Although March was a rocky road, I did enjoy my birthday month when I was with friends. I wasn’t in the mood to do all of the things I wanted to do, neither did I have the energy or finances but, as usual I made the best of it and I remain grateful for all that God has provided and will provide.

Oh, yeah. I am 46 and loving it!

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Trusting Yourself

I accept the challenge to grow in this life. That being said it’s not always easy or simple. Apparently, it’s difficult letting God work out the LOGISTICS because I “secretly” am afraid that it won’t work out to my vision and what I hold deep in my heart. There…I said it. And I LOVE BEING HONEST WITH YOU ABOUT LIFE, THE JOURNEY, THE PROCESS. I have to share my struggles to encourage you, shed light, to free myself, and to…GROW and to help us. So this secret fear is rooted in FEAR itself and the lack of TRUST. FEAR of abandonment. Fear of making the wrong choice again. Trust God? Ok. Trust myself concerning this particular situation…uh given my track record, not so much. I’M GOING TO WORK THAT OUT TODAY. THAT’S A DEEPER WAY OF WORKING OUT YOUR OWN SALVATION (FREEDOM).

Affirmations to get me through the day (from my friend Alicia):

I love you, God.

I trust you, God.

I thank you, God.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: The Logistics of What You Desire

I’ve been reading this book, The Sacred Yes, and it’s one of those books you have to read a little at a time because it’s so mind rearranging, you must sit with it. In the book it talked about moving from the DESIRES of your HEART to INTENTIONS. This in it self is powerful because while desires give you visions to hold onto, the also can keep you wanting, longing, and yearning. When you move into intent, a determination to do your part to assist in the manifestation of your desire, or when you move to an attitude of “No matter what it looks like, no matter what is going on, it is going to happen.” then you began to generate energy on another level. Intent is action and attitude.

It took me a moment to grasp the concept of intentions in the area of love and relationships. I’m still tweaking it. But, that is not my biggest challenge. In the book, it says we get boggled down in the “how and when” of things. We even try to tell God, the Creator, the Universe how to do things and when to do it. I found myself guilty of this and surprising guilty of this when it comes to love and relationships. God is the one that handles the logistics of our desires and intentions. The logistics is the detailed coordination of a complex operation involving many people, facilities, or supplies. You can also say it’s the detailed coordination of a complex operation involving many things WE DON’T CONTROL.

Shouldn’t we be relieved to know that? I was. I also found myself wrestling with changing my ways of trying to control the logistics. I also found it difficult to change my attitude from “I see this and look at that! Oh no, it’s not going to happen. I must be wasting my time. No way after that situation am I in the right place or getting what I desire.” It’s been a challenge to stand in the face of something that looks nothing like progress or promise and say, “It doesn’t matter what it looks like, it will happen. It is happening.” I don’t know where the line of wisdom is at times but, I do know how to ask for wisdom. I have to check to see if it’s my intuition, Holy Spirit, or fear telling me what to do. How do I check? I become still. I pray. I meditate. I mess up. I learn. I ask for signs and directions. I look for signs, too. I also try not to read too much into things and just remind myself God is handling the logistics, I need only do what I am led to do and what I need to do. I don’t have to orchestrate anything. Whew, what a relief.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Carrying False Guilt

Voluntary Transparency: This morning I had to deal with some FALSE GUILT. I didn’t know it was false guilt at first, I was just feeling really bad about it. But I thank God for the tools in my toolbox. Some put there before birth. Some put there by life experiences. Some put there by spirituality and religion. Some put there by education. Some put there by a therapist. Why do I feel so bad about this? It must be wrong because I feel so bad about it. Why do I feel so bad about it? Man, I don’t feel like doing this. I have to make myself do this. No, no, I am not. I cannot. Ugg. Just do it anyway. Why do I feel so guilty for not wanting to do this??? This is so negative. “It’s bad Nicole. You are not a good Christian if you keep doing this. People can’t believe you have a problem doing “that”! Shame on you!” This is the dialogue I have with myself. Take the clothes out. Put the clothes up. Take the clothes out, look at the clock, put the clothes back.

Why do I feel so guilty? Wait. WHY DO I? WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM? This morning I received a text to come to church to so that I could help. I ignored it because I did not want to tell the person I did not want to come. I really wanted to tell them to stop asking me because it is not a pleasurable experience for me when it comes to a certain part of the service. I literally must prepare myself to go mentally, and I often lament over it the night before and the hours before. Pushing and dragging myself. Sitting through that segment of service is torture for me so why did I feel so guilty this morning for not responding and not going?

I listened to a TedTalk about authenticity. That helped a little bit. Then I turned to affirming myself: “I am not going to HELL for not attending church. It is okay not to support something or someone that I don’t believe is right. I can still love them but, not support them in wrongdoing. It does not mean that I do not believe in God. It means I have a strong dislike and distaste for falsehood and fakeness. It is a part of me no matter what or who perpetuates hypocrisy. I don’t expect perfection, I do expect truthfulness, honesty, and one that is truly trying to live the life they portray.” 

I was trying to resist the guilt. The bad feeling. Until I remembered to listen to it. To explore it. To sit with it. To really think about why I was feeling it. I needed the source or sources. Guilt is a negative emotion or sad emotion. I came across this video that really confirmed what I was trying to do.

  1. Why do I feel so guilty? I feel guilting because people say you should support your love one NO MATTER WHAT. EVEN if they are WRONG.
  • Where is this guilt coming from? We are taught not to tell people that we love they are wrong. We give them a pass because of their roles in our lives and we suffer under their continuation of wrongdoing. Yet, as Christians, we have scripture and an obligation to tell the ones we love when they are wrong regardless of their roles in our lives. We the freedom to not support something that we don’t like or believe in.
  • Should I feel guilty? Did I do something wrong? I should not feel guilty for something I have not done, or for someone or something I cannot control. I am not responsible for the actions of others. This is FALSE GUILT. I have not done anything wrong by not supporting this person in that area of their lives as it will compromise staying true to who I am and my beliefs.
  • What is it that I really feel bad about? I feel bad that they don’t love themselves enough to be okay with who they really are. I feel sad that they don’t know who they are, and they have to put on this cloak of falsehood. I feel embarrassed that they do not know that people are talking about them and that people can see straight through them. I feel bad that they have some people fooled. It is okay to feel sorry for that person, feel bad for them, but to also go on with my day, life, mission, and journey. Their life is not my life and it is between them and the Creator.

It is one thing to feel bad or sorry about a situation or a person but, it is another thing to carry false guilt! It’s an unnecessary weight we place on ourselves. It is a spirit that comes to us because we’ve been told how to feel about certain situations and things. We’ve been taught not to be loyal to the world and others that don’t look or think or feel or serve the same God we serve but, we have been taught to close our eyes to leaders that are not true, to parents that are doing wrong, to older siblings and family members even when what they say and do harm us and others.

It is okay to draw a line and to stand by it. It is okay if you stand alone. We can still meet at the dinner table. We can still spend time together. We can still live, laugh, and be merry but when it comes to that line it is one, I cannot cross. I cannot compromise my authenticity, my moral compass, to support something or someone I believe is wrong.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: The Loss of My Big Brother

Last Sunday, I received a frantic phone call from my dad that my brother, Toney, was not breathing. I live next door to my parents where my brother was being cared for due to the aftermath of COVID on his body. I jumped out of bed and I opened the door I was greeted by police cars and emergency services. When I got into the house, it was chaos and the shrill of my mother’s voice. She had lost it and was inconsolable. Another one of my brothers was there on the scene. The paramedics worked on him, transported him to the hospital, but I knew he was already gone.

He is the oldest of six children. He is the funniest, also. Yesterday, we had his funeral and it was a beautiful Home Going Celebration of his life. He, along with my next to the oldest brother weren’t always the men they became. In their youth, they were wild and out of control. They gave my mom and dad plenty of woes. But, eventually, years later, they both came to Christ and changed their lives. They both became the best versions of themselves and spent their lives making it up to all by being the best sons, brothers, relatives and parents they could be.

My oldest brother lit up any room he walked into. He always had jokes. He gave everyone a nickname. He would say things at the most inappropriate time and that is what would make it so funny. Even when he wasn’t the best version of himself, in the earlier years, he still was a devoted brother that would protect his siblings and care for us. My favorite memory is walking about 3 miles home from school in the rain, a cold day, or a snowy day with my youngest brother and when we would get to the driveway, Toney would come out and greet us saying, “Come on in this house and get you something to eat,” He would have made soup, chili, grilled cheese or something he called “goulash”. We were always happy to see him on those days.

This Sunday morning is calm and beautiful. Last Sunday was chaotic, sad, yet it felt so good outside. I sat out and had coffee. He loved coffee, too. In fact, I gave him my old coffee maker that is at his home now. He passed away in the midst of having his second cup. Even in his sickness, he joked and laughed on his good days. On his bad days, he still managed to smile or to say something silly. He would apologize to the parents the next day if his behavior was not the best the day before.

Covid really did a number on him and exasperated his many underlying conditions. He was managing those conditions before Covid as he was a busy body. He could not be still. He was always doing something. Including being my yard man and maintenance man. I expected that to continue as I moved into my new home. He even said so himself. He use to do contract and construction work. He was a Veteran.

I haven’t really been able to grieve. Even after yesterday, it still just seems so unreal. I have never lost a sibling. I don’t know how to feel about it. Hurt. At peace that he is at peace. I understand death to be the doorway to the spiritual realm and I don’t believe he is LOST or DEAD or NO MORE. I just believe he exist in a different form and that yes, the body is dead. I can communicate with him like I communicate with Spirit. I can recall the many ways he brought us joy and laughter. The way he showed his love and his overprotectiveness. He was supportive. He showed up to church and showed up when you needed help at your home. I choose to cherish the joy and to feel what needs to be felt as I grapple with this huge change in my life.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Setbacks & Perseverance & Birth

It seems as though this week, this year has been filled with setbacks. Individual setbacks and when you look at it, setbacks across the nations. It seems as if we take a step forward and two steps back. It’s a push against some invisible force. It’s what I talked to you about in the beginning of the year. It’s the tearing down and building up. What’s it going to take to clear the debris of this year, or the last four years for some, is perseverance.

Perseverance

noun

  1. persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

I know you must rest. You must rest and get adequate rest in order to clear the debris. This is hardcore labor. This is blood, sweat, and tears, It’s ugly and you can’t be cute or handsome with this. You are going to need some perseverance. You need determination. Make up your mind and set your face like flint. This means: Whatever comes your way, don’t change your mind about the outcome. Don’t change your mind about the business. Don’t change your mind about education. Don’t change your mind about your goals and dreams. Set your face like flint. Get it done in the face of the harsh winds that may blow.

I was worried about my big birthday plans. I was worried about not being able to travel. I was worried about my business and not making money. I was worried about not being able to gather with friends. I HAD PLANS! BUT…

Thank God, I knew how to adapt. I knew how to adjust. I knew how to accept. IT WAS HARD. BUT I DID IT. YOU DID IT. AND NOW IT’S TIME TO REMOVE THE DEBRIS. I also learned what and who was really important in my “plans”.

I found out who I was this year. I found out who others weren’t. I found out what I was made of and I found out what I wasn’t. And now it’s time to clear out the debris. It’s time to wash away the losses and look at what has been born. What did you birth? What came out of this? What can you do with what’s left and what can be toss? What can you clear out?

Make way for the new. Take off the sackcloth and get on with your “it” in a NEW and PROFOUND way.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Mountains Behind Mountains

Me: Wow, God. There are mountains behind the mountains and in front of the mountains. I couldn’t see that on the first day even when there weren’t as many clouds.

God: And you can see even more mountains when it’s a clear and sunny day.

Me: They are beautiful. Majestic.

God: Yes. Your life is.

Me: You’re trying to show me and tell me something.

God within: Right & Write. Mountains Behind Mountains. What’s Your Range of Mountains? Mountains made beautiful. Mountains reflect the “Sun” and the “Son”. What you’ve been through. What you’ve learned. They are your pain and sorrow but ALSO your victory and your hopes for tomorrow. Some lower. Some higher. Some wider. Some smooth. Some rockier than others. I’ll hide your other mountains to get you to focus on a particular mountain. I’ll lift clouds a little to remind you that you can persevere. I’ll let you see the mountains on a wet and cold day to remind you that if it weren’t for the mountains, you’d be much colder. I know just how much to reveal. I’ll show you on a bright, clear sky day, all that you’ve made it through thus far in this life time and make those mountains reflect your greatness. Your strength. Your power. Your glory. Your dignity. Your reign. Your divinity. Your dominion. How you rose up from beneath the foundation through turmoil and stood mightily. Over and over and over, again and again.

Breathe.


~Nikki