In times of chaos an crisis in my life, I don’t stop to think about what I need. I only think about what I should be doing to solve the crisis or remedy the chaos. I saved up some money for a specific thing. I was proud of myself and then I needed to use the money, and even more money to take care of business. I felt defeated. And then I started to feed into the negative thoughts about myself. I also thought about what I should be doing to fix this crisis. “I know! Work more to get the money back and then I will feel satisfied and proud of myself again. I know! Do all of the things and run my body into flares and more pain because I want it fixed and I want it fixed quickly! I know! Take out a loan. I know! Accept the high interests and that will solve all of your problems.”
And this was on a loop in my head. I was working myself into a frenzy. A frenzy that looked like anxiety and depression. Then I saw this quote. The one above. I asked myself what do I need? I need peace. I need a solution that works for me. I need patience over pressure. I need clarity. I need to listen to what I am not hearing. I need to be still and listen to the whisper. I need to slow down. Why do I need to hurry up and fix this? I need to trust God and wait for guidance.
Breathe in. Exhale longer.
Ok. There is not fire to put out. I put it out by using the money I saved. I didn’t build that money up quickly. Why do I think I need to hurry up and get it back in there? Because I had a plan. I had a goal. And now I will not reach it. And now I feel like I HAVE FAILED. AGAIN. Peace. Be still. After waiting and praying and listening for a week. I started to gain some more insight about my situation. Thank God I had the money to take care of the things what came up. What if I didn’t? I would have to borrow it or get a loan or just wait until I saved it. And I had it because I DID SAVE. I DID sacrifice some things and I DID practice discipline. I can do it again.
Then a way to “work” more without taxing my rheumatoid arthritis dis-ease and fibromyalgia body came to me. Also, a way that wouldn’t induce too much anxiety and depression came to me. I listened for the solution, the answers. I will have some pain. I always have pain. I will have some stress and anxiety. It’s part of life for me. But I don’t have to induce it. I needed to trust that the God I believe in would help me, guide me (into all truth) and show me the way. I need only to be still for a while. It’s hard to hear directions when you are running around frantically, creating more fires, listening to the rubbish in your head, making crazy decisions and panicking.
~Nikki
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