This week I simply didn’t visit any sites, other than Amazon, that I shop on. When I became bored, I found other things that needed to be done or could be done. I told myself things like, “I wouldn’t know I missed it if I didn’t see it” and “It will be there when you need it” so, CHILL OUT NIKKI. You’ve done this before.
What I am learning about my spending and financial habits is my need to get it all right now. The urgency of if I don’t get it all right now, it won’t be there. And by “all” I don’t mean hoarding or buying so much of the same thing because it’s on sale that I don’t think about others who may need the item or discount as well. That’s right. I think we should think of others. I mean if I have things, I want to get done like have someone paint the family room, get the house power washed, install light fixture, I tend to think I need it all done at once. I have to remind myself often, “You don’t have to and you can’t do it all at once.” Where do I get this unrealistic idea for myself from? I think it’s a fantasy that comes from TV or the lifestyle of the rich and famous. The majority of us SAVE for what we want and need. Also, the failure of not having enough to get it ALL done because shouldn’t I have enough money to be able to do just that? And if I don’t, I must be mismanaging my money and maybe I should have chosen a better career. Finished college beyond an Associate’s Degree. WHEW!
I also USED to do this with to-do lists until my therapist helped me to see my life had changed and I could no longer do it all. In fact, I wasn’t doing it all, all of the time, perfectly anyway. He helped me to see the unhealthy burden and pressure I was placing on myself. You know, the A and B making student. The do everything just right, perfect, on time, before time may have won me points, certificates, awards, and treats in school and on the job but, with increasing responsibilities like being a mom, working and going to school or being diagnosed with a physically limiting disease, it was unnecessary. It was no longer sustainable. There was no one to impress or please. There never was except myself and God (for me). And even God doesn’t need to be impressed by me.
The internal dialogue I carried was, “I could never please my mother. So, when teachers were pleased and employers were pleased, I finally made someone happy. Going over and beyond for boyfriends or people meant someone was happy. Even if it was at my expense.” The expense of my tired body, the expense of my time, money, the expense of my mind and feelings. Match this up with a giver and empath and you have a huge mess. So, feeling the pressure of I need to do it all and do it now or I have failed after all of these years, still seeps into many things. Even my finances. Even after much work in therapy.
It’s unhealthy. It’s unrealistic. So, here I am changing my thinking about money and learning about myself. AGAIN. Yep. HERE I GROW AGAIN.