What a mess! But, it’s not mine and I don’t want to clean it up. Why? I have enough to clean up in my own life right now. I have enough to work through, to deal with, to organize, to manage. I do not have the energy to fix, to clean up, to help clean up someone else’s mess. I am not the fixer. And I must listen to “The Fixer” and take myself out of the equation. I can’t hear. Too many people talking. I can’t think. Too much going on around me. What do “I” want? I don’t know. I am too busy caregiving. What do I want? I do know. I want peace. I want time to myself. I want to live my life the way I imagine. I want to run away. And not come back. But then, I will miss the few that love me truly and unconditionally.

Have you ever had to watch a train wreck? Have you ever had to watch the inevitable happen in the worst way or not in a good way? It’s unbearable at times. I had to watch the inevitable happen. But what do you say when a person has brought things on themselves? What do you say when you warned them from the beginning? What do you do when it all comes crashing down? And because you have been talking to them the entire time, off and on about it, and now, you are just too exhausted to say or do anything? I know others will help them recover if they want to. But, will a narcissist recover or will they revenge or dig their heels in deeper? Who knows and at this point, I can’t care. What I have elected to do is to take a divine pause.

I need a divine pause. I need to immerse in stillness this week and perhaps, all of November. But what does stillness look like for me when the demands of caregiving are constantly knocking at my door? What does a pause look like with an upcoming event this Friday and Saturday? Maybe it looks like yoga nidra. Maybe it looks like prayer. Maybe it looks like fasting from social media (I don’t consider my blog or YouTube social media as in doom scrolling. I like to read and learn and listen to good things). Maybe it’s listening to things about stillness, mindfulness, emptying the mind, etc. Maybe it’s not talking to people. Maybe it’s walking in nature on these cool, crisp, autumn mornings or evenings. Maybe, it’s not talking to non-spiritual people about spiritual things because that frustrates the hell out of me.Maybe it’s praise and worship just worship.

I don’t know. I’ll be guided. I will find my way.

~Nikki