RA BLOG/Anxiety: Walk With Me

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It’s Saturday evening and suddenly things begin to spin out of control. I am flustered. I can’t breathe. I am becoming irritable. I have things to do and many of those things won’t get done. I have only been gone for 4 hours and it feels like I have done a full day of labor. I hate Rheumatoid Disease and Fibromyalgia. I am frowning and I remember I took a prednisone pack and this has the propensity to change my mood dramatically but, no, no that’s not it. Thoughts swirl in my head. I am dropping things, the door jams, I curse, I get into the house and I see things are getting junky, I am angry that I seem to always run out of energy before I run out of time.

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When I worked for an adult mental health agency there was this phrase said to a patient after a “meltdown” subsided in order to move the patient from one area to a calmer environment. That phrase was, “Walk with me.” After I made my sandwich I sat down and I took a deep breath. Why are you so angry? I asked myself. It’s because I am so tired and I was thinking in the car not only about being fatigued, and all that I needed to do but, also about my current situation and what will I do if…you know…things don’t work out. Where will I stay? How will I survive? I started to imagine myself broke down like those who sacrificed their bodies to provide for their families. I felt sorry for them and then I thought they were mothers and fathers with illnesses, too. I thought about how sad and depressed I would be. Then I started to get angry with God for letting that happen even though it has not happened.

Walk with me…

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I ate my sandwich. I saw this photo I saved and I thought there is where I want to be at the end of days like this. Walking on the beach at sunset. Sending all of my thoughts and cares of the day on the waves. And then what would you do?

I would no doubt feel peace. I would return to my beach home and prepare for the night and the next day (Sunday). What would you cook? I asked myself. It surely wouldn’t be a lean cuisine warmed in the microwave. I would make a salad, pan sear some salmon, steam some veggies and pour some strawberry lemonade. Sounds good.

Walk with me. If you can steady your thoughts by steadying your breath and just take a mental walk somewhere else. Find a photo of where you would escape to and just imagine what you would be doing. So, as I came back to present, I decided on what needed to be done and what must wait. I feel so much better I didn’t go into a full anxiety attack or need the inhaler or remained frazzled and angry the rest of the evening.

#Expansion2018

~Nikki

 

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Focusing on The Bigger Picture of Social Media (For Me)

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I have social media pet peeves. Everyone does. I can list so many things that burn my britches when it comes to social media but, in the larger scale of who I am and what I am trying to represent, who cares about the things that irritate me to the core? I shouldn’t. I’m not talking about things that we should be appalled by or things that we should report. I am speaking of just things that can pull you into the “comment” section and the “reply” section. I have to remind myself, it’s not that serious. I tell myself, just eye  roll, shake your head, and realize they are “on some other stuff” (on another level ). I thank God for unfriend, unfollow, and snooze for 30 days if it really starts to irritate me. There is only so much negativity or shade throwing I can take. Thankfully, I don’t see much of the shade throwing on my timeline or feed. But, I do see other things that can really vex my spirit. And I know for sure I probably irritate others with my posting! Touche!

However, when you are trying to be positive or tend to the business side of social media, you can get distracted by the bull, drama, politics, immaturity, negativity or whatever your pet peeve is. Sometimes, I am just being social and trying to catch up with others. Here is what I have been reminding myself and teaching myself for the last year:

JUST KEEP SCROLLING…THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS

JUST KEEP SCROLLING…LET THEM HAVE AN OPINION EVEN IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT AND EVEN IF YOURS IS DIFFERENT

JUST KEEP SCROLLING…IF THEY FEEL THAT IS THE BEST WAY TO GET CUSTOMERS/KEEP CUSTOMERS (SHRUGS SHOULDERS)

JUST KEEP SCROLLING…THAT IS FAKE NEWS

JUST KEEP SCROLLING…YOU KNOW THAT PERSON LOVES TO ARGUE AND NOT DEBATE

JUST KEEP SCROLLING…AND FINISH WHAT YOU CAME TO DO

GO BACK AND DELETE THAT (You do not have time to go back and forth)

DELETE DELETE DELETE (LOL)

Sometimes when someone says something crazy or off the wall on my posts I let it stay there and never respond. I leave it for others see how crazy the person is HAAAAAAA!!!!! But most times I just delete it and keep it moving.

You see, I have several pages and social media outlets are more than just a place to be social for me. I like to joke, I like a good debate, discussion from time to time but, you know life is still going on around me. Goals have to be met, dreams have to come true, family has to be taken care of and friends have to be chatted with. So, the bigger picture of why I hopped on in the first place helps me to stay woke lol…focused on the bigger picture.

~Nikki

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can We Be Friends If You Can’t Understand Rheumatoid Disease is a DIS-EASE?

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When Rheumatoid Arthritis was in remission, yes, it is a disease that can go into remission, I was living it up! Going going gone! A whirlwind of endless fun and good times. My energy was unbelievable. People would say “You are always on the go” or “You walk by so fast it’s like a blur!” Working 10 hour days 5 days a week and then getting all the overtime I wanted. At one job, working 12 hour days and filling in days and nights. It was nothing. I would rest later. I was a mom that was full of energy and I thank God I had that time when my daughter was very small and RA didn’t come until here tween years. Yet, I often feel guilty that we aren’t out and about as much as I would like and often I get tired or hurt before a day of fun is over.

I’m okay with who I am and how I have to operate to preserve my body and my peace of mind. I have found that others, strangers, friends and family are not. I have pretty much embraced that RA has returned and it brought along some of it’s friends; fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, and diabetes to ensure my demise. Epic fail indeed! I am still alive, well, and kicking. Albeit, in a different and new way that I am getting use to.

If I go home because I can’t go hard is that a strike against me? Am I the party pooper? If I need a break, a nap, or choose to chill when we are on vacation, am I boring? How so? What you eat doesn’t make me poop! So what I do shouldn’t make you constipated. What people like me want is your understanding, not your criticism. We don’t really want your sympathy, but your empathy and really I don’t need that. I prefer you to understand and keep the party going without me. True, I am the life of the party (haaaaaaa!!!!!) when I am in party and wilding out mode but, in reality the party goes on. So you don’t have to talk about us behind our backs and you can keep the rolling of the eyes, too. If you can’t adapt to the new me and yet I am the one carrying the load and I have adjusted my new crown, then I don’t think we can be friends.

Do what I do. Enjoy those moments when I am riding high. Cutting up and laughing. Enjoy those times that I can pull an all niter, when I am on the floor dancing (something I love to do) and I am hosting a party on my feet making sure you enjoy your night. Note, I will have to pay dearly for the physical things I do later and for how long and how bad is anyone’s guess. It’s a sacrifice willingly made. Google Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease, Fibromyalgia, etc.  to understand what your friend or person you love is going through and HOW it IMPACTS their life. Heck, (really wanted to say hell), talk to them and LISTEN. It impacts everyone differently.

In all your gathering of information, cures, judgments, undocumented medical advice and unsolicited advice, get an understanding by caring enough to understand the needs of a person you call a friend or family member. Know that I am always grateful and appreciative of natural remedies, exercises to help me, or even friends that call to tell me about a medication. I know that they are thinking about me.

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~Nikki

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: A Healing of Mind Ponder & Finances

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I know how much things can affect the mind. Your health, your relationships, jobs, school, and your finances. These things have literally driven people over the edge and if not to that extreme, these things have cause a great deal of stress for many. It creates a terrible environment but, it also creates chaos within.

So, as I sat to write this I asked, “Can the mind be healed? Maybe when my finances are healed then will I have a peace of mind.” But, I heard the Spirit speak and say: “In order for the mind to be healed, the soul must be repaired. And, your finances being heal will bring you a “piece” of the peace of mind. But, you can have a peace of mind right now with soul work.”

I’ve done soul work in many areas. I did not think that finances were connected to soul work. Yes, I know that our spending and saving habits can be traced back to how our parents spent and save their money. But, I also know that we can “unlearn” these habits and replace them with better habits. Still, how does money and soul work belong together?

A lack of finances, a huge debt, creates worry. Worry creates illnesses, bad moods, foul environments and strained relationships. Worrying does not add to our life but, takes away from our lives. It takes away “life” from our life. We miss everything else around us. At first we worry about what we will do. Then we worry about what will happen. Then we worry about it as we are working on saving and paying down debt because many times it leaves us with very little to work with and that creates stress. Here is where the soul is damaged. Worry is like a cancer it just eats up the good and the bad. It gnaws away on something until it’s gone. Boom…peace of mind gone. You get it back and then bam! It’s gone again.

The soul is being overpowered about what is happening in the natural world and we forget or severe ourselves from our Source. It doesn’t matter to me what you call the Source or Creator or God. We forget God is with us EVEN as we correct our financial situations. God is with us the moment we realize we are in trouble. God is with us when we look at the financial books and realize we don’t have enough to do anything after paying on our debts. The reason we get so upset about not having is because we know we are suppose to be able to live in abundance. And let me say, your abundance could be millions and my abundance could be $30,000 a year.  It’s all about how we work it.

Something in us knows we were not created to barely make it. Yet, how do we have peace when we are barely getting by or in the process of improvement? We take a break. What? We take a break. On a job, they give you breaks. What you do on those breaks are up to you.

Soul work: On your morning break, your lunch break, evening/night time break, pray or meditate, read about financial empowerment, affirmations and scriptures as you are in the process of creating your abundance on this financial level. (I say that because we do know that being in peace (mind) and having good health is also a part of abundance). Scriptures or affirmations that speak on worry/anxiety or finances and abundance, knowing that the Creator is there and will see you through the process is a powerful elixir for the mind as well as the healing agent for the soul. Reading books or taking a course or seeking help to repair your finances are all empowering but, staying connected to the Divine throughout this process keeps your mind on the track of peace. This is the soul work map for me and I hope that it helps you to. Abundance is come and will come.

~Nikki

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing:Unnecessary Guilt

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Let me dive into a personal truth about myself. For years I use to struggle on the inside with feeling guilty about speaking out when someone has wronged me or has disrespected me. I was a sensitive child and I am PROUDLY a moderately sensitive adult. Being sensitive to the feelings of others and issues makes me the compassionate woman I am.

However, from time to time when I KNOW I am right about standing up and speaking up for myself, or letting a person know how far they can go or where to get off (lol), I still struggle with a tinge of guilt when CLEARLY I am in the right. I don’t allow people to hurt my feelings without them knowing how I feel about it or if they have disrespected me I tell them. How else when they know? Grow?

If you struggle with the guilt of hurting others feelings or with expressing yourself, then it stems from somewhere. Sensitive to others or you’ve had your voice dismissed in the past when you were unable to feel OKAY about BEING RIGHT. I think mines came from my childhood. In various ways, I was shut down negatively when I was right because well, I was a child. And authority ruled. It was the law of the land. Also, in a more positive way, my siblings and I were very respectful of each other and rarely argued or fought once we grew up. We all have had to apologize to each other as adults but, rarely. Yes, we taught to apologize when we were children as well. We were taught that way. However, parents rarely admit or apologize for being wrong. Thankfully, my parents grew spiritually and as we got older they have apologized for doing things the way they were did or things from the present.

I just want to say, stand in your truth. Stand in your right. Stand and have a voice. Help people to grow and to know where the line is on how you will treated and respected. Even it hurts them, they will grow and know. No guilt for speaking the truth and your feelings.

~Nikki

Baileys Original Irish Cream is in my Folgers. ❤

A Peaceful Saturday: Do Not Disturb

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It’s a chilly Saturday morning here in Memphis. Most of the snow has melted and patches of ice are still hanging on for dear life. It’s partly cloudy and my daughter is at her dad’s for the weekend. It’s a quiet morning for the most part and I don’t want to be troubled about anyone’s troubles today. I have had a very long and painful week that started last Sunday. I had oral surgery Monday. Tuesday the neighbors pipes busted…and wait…I don’t want to go on about this week. However, I did just get off the the phone with a person, whom name is being withheld to protect the guilty, on how they have these mountains of a problems today (two), which has greatly (not even barely) inconvenienced them. I just held the phone. Solved one of their “problems” by asking a simple question and listen to them solve the other. You know, before coffee I just don’t want an earful of woes.

At some point of a roller coaster week you have to get off. You have to carve out not just a moment, a minute, but an entire day. 24 hours of leave me alone. 24 hours of this is how the day will go. 24 hours of I can’t help you. 24 hours of I am closed. 24 hours of, sorry, that’s going to rush me, put me in a bind, throw my entire day off. 24 hours of I see your text, message, but I am not answering. I don’t want to think. I want to be quiet. I want to clean. I want to create. I want to eat good food. I want to binge watch. I want to listen to good music. A Do Not Disturb: It’s My Saturday.

Growing Up Grown Ups: Give up the Ghosts

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I don’t know about other cultures or races or environments…or religions for that matter, but what baffles me are adults who are adults according to age but, not according maturity. By observations, we seem to be hurt children trapped in adult bodies. I often hear things in my community like “I’m a grown ass woman” or “I am a grown ass man.” But, what does it mean to be a grown ass woman or man and do grown ups have to make such statements? I’ve seen us ready to fight each other over nothing in the community, at family functions, and even at church. Church, a sacred place. Some adults are about as mature as the children they are raising.

Hurt children trapped in adult bodies need HEALING. Hurting people hurt other people. They hurt them with words. They hurt them with violence. They hurt them by being vindictive. They hurt them with malicious gossip.

Hurting children trapped in adult bodies hurt themselves. They set themselves up for failure by making choices that keep them in a vicious cycle.  They choose the wrong friends. They choose the wrong woman or man. They choose to do nothing about their circumstances when presented with a better option. Hurting children are afraid of change. Hurting children are hopeless. Hurt and Hopeless equals anger. Hurting children throw temper tantrums when things don’t go their way and they do not like to be corrected because they do not like to be wrong.

Growing up grown folks takes healing of the hurts and harsh realities they have harbored deep in their hearts and souls. Only the Creator can heal them. But first they have to give up the ghosts. Give up the ghosts that haunt them. Give up the horrible childhood. Give up the traumatic losses. Give up the horrendous acts done to them by others. Give up the abusive relationships. They have to give up the ghosts so they can be raised from this dead life they are living. Growing up grown ups takes correction. Growing up grown folks takes clear directions. They need these two things during the HEALING PROCESS…WHICH CAN TAKE MONTHS AND YEARS. It’s going to take relying on strength within, a HIGHER POWER, and someone or some books divinely placed into your life for guidance. Dear Hurting Grown ups, Give up the Ghosts….

~Nikki

I’m still giving up ghosts…I am still learning and growing and I can see that. I can measure that by the actions I take and the ones I don’t take. I can measure that by the words I use and the silence I choose. I can measure that by how well I manage my emotions and practice self control. Make your world, the world in you a better place and that will make your children’s world, your friendships, relationships, family-ships a better world. It will make this world a better, safer, place to live in. Heal up.