Before I saw this quote the other day, I received a phone call from someone and they were telling me about something very important they misplaced. This person misplaces numerous things on a regular basis. As I began to try to have a conversation about them needing to slow down, pay attention, which is something even strangers have said to them, they did what they usually do to me and a few others they don’t “seem” to value much, they got offensive.
I continued to make my case in a non-threatening, caring way and I got off the phone. I almost became irritated. I almost took it personal, but I remembered what I have been drilling in my head for the past year, “It’ not me, it’s them.” “They have the problem. I can honestly say I didn’t do anything wrong. I am going to continue with my pleasant morning.” Sometimes it is personal. Sometimes it’s not. You just have to know when and decide what your response will be. I read this quote over and over until something else stood out, “compulsion to react.” I’ve been compulsively reacting to this person’s madness, with madness, ever since I realized I was old enough to do so. I reacted with madness and anger because that is all I knew. It is what I was taught to do by this person. (I didn’t even know that until therapy). You hurt me with words, I hurt you with words. Especially, since no one can stop me or I can’t be punished for talking back. In that moment when the person became defensive, I could have became offensive, but I didn’t. I didn’t compulsively react. THIS IS SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PRACTICE and it was effective that day for me. In other attempts, this person would get more and more belligerent and obnoxious. And I would explode!
As I navigate this complex family dynamic, with more knowledge and practice, I hope to gain for myself the peace I have so rightly deserve from childhood until the present moment. I hope to be able to not compulsively respond, not take it all personal, to rightly respond, to insist on my boundaries, to protect my peace, and to not beat myself if I don’t “always” get it right (another burden placed on me by the same authoritative figure).
My first week of 2019 was peaceful as in a peace of mind. I spent New Year’s Eve at home and my daughter went to a sleep over. I was kind of solemn on New Year’s Eve, but things seem to dissipate some late in the night after fireworks and people shooting their firearms into the air with no care of where it may land. I was able to sleep in a little late and woke up refreshed. Even though, I am facing one huge obstacle (depending on who’s eyes you are looking through, mines or the Creator) this year, I feel that it will be resolved. I am just not certain if the process will be smooth and I think this is where the anxiety lies.
Last night I wrote in my new journal an honest assessment of my anxiety towards the obstacle I face. It’s not that I don’t have faith that God will work it out or has already worked it out. But, it is the processes I have been through in the past to get to the other side of working it out, have usually been rough and turbulent. I have done so much BELIEVING and FAITHING and CRYING my entire life, especially, these last 9 years it’s like I want to brace myself for the worst. In many ways, life has been traumatizing for me. I pray that is not the case. I pray that the “how” it is worked out doesn’t involve turmoil for me. You know, some of us seem to go through more than others I have found it doesn’t ALWAYS have to do with “sin” or “karma” or poor choices. I am not sure it’s because of some “test” because I feel after so long there is no need for a test on addition or subtraction at a certain age. Which leads me to ponder fate and destiny. And the realization that some thing really “just is/are.” You didn’t do anything to deserve it. I think the task is to learn to live without becoming bitter and always looking at the big picture. And in case you can’t see the point or the picture to be at peace with what is.
1Now as Jesus was passing by, He saw a man blind from birth, 2and His disciples asked Him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God would be displayed in him.… -John 9:1-3.
My 2018 will not end until March 2019 spiritually speaking. My birthday is my New Year and every year there is something I work on until the next year. This year was about not just things being well within me, like my mental health, physical health or what was going on in my life, etc. But, it was about ME being okay, with who I am, what I want, what I think, how I feel and so on. We can say it was about Nikki becoming not just more, but completely comfortable with her own ideas, her own voice, saying no and not feeling bad about it, pulling back from family drama, false friendships, speaking my truth even it hurt some feelings, and understanding the issues I have, the trauma I have endured will not go away over night. I have to learn to BE WELL with the healing process and to BE WELL WITHIN about it. I can’t hurry up and get it over with, but I can do my part to move it along. I feel like what I don’t want is being filtered out and by the time March rolls around I will be pretty much done with this lesson.
Today I woke up to a low mood. It was last Sunday when I had a really bad bout of depression. Today when I opened my eyes I knew something was wrong and it was hard to get up, start my day. It did not take long to realize I was in another slump, but no where near as bad as last Sunday. Of course I googled the exact feeling that came to my mind: low mood in the morning. And what do you know, morning depression. I found some information from a few credible sites, and then I thought about what was I thinking about last night, all day, all week even. This is something I learned from the psychologist. It may appear as if I wasn’t thinking about anything. And that may be true some times. So, I had to be honest with myself. And I was. And after that, I had to not judge myself harshly the was I have been taught to judge myself, but instead, show myself some compassion. And I did. And I am. Not to mention, I didn’t sleep well last night either. And I haven’t been sleeping well. Some of it is my fault. Some of it is painsomnia.
I will be home tonight for the New Year’s Eve. I don’t want to party with Cardi or anyone lol! I don’t want to go to church either. It’s not my first time being home or being alone as my daughter will be at a sleepover. I am not sad or anything like that. I just want to brighten up a bit, maybe plan out a few things, and get some rest. Hopefully, it will be raining cats and dogs so the ignorant in the city will not shoot guns.
Happy New Year!
43; The It Is Well Within Tour: I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, and I suppose this is long enough. We often subject ourselves to certain environments unnecessarily when our psyche or spirits scream no. And I get that we have to sometimes. I get that we do it out of obligation and loyalty. You can’t simply blanket “no” or “no more” to everything you don’t want to do. If that were the case, you would not have a career. Dinner would not be made. Etc. But, many times it’s a sometimes too often that drains the life and light out of you. In order for me to live this “It Is Well Within Tour” for 43 it’s some cities I can’t tour in. It’s some tables I can’t sit at. It’s some pews I can’t sit in. I have to value my mind and spirit on this level. It’s self abuse to my mind and spirit. I owe my mind. I owe my spirit. I owe it my truth.
I get up and go to Sunday School because I like to learn and I enjoy being part of the lively discussions. I do not always like the spirit of the one that teaches Sunday School when they teach Sunday School. I am going to put it like this, today was the worst I have ever seen the teacher’s response to a question asked and an idea presented that total went against the “doctrine.” She gave it the old “Don’t question God, the Bible, don’t add or take away from the Word” answer that many religious teachers give when they don’t know the answer or don’t like your “thoughts” on the matter. It got worse and carried on way after Sunday School as the teacher felt she was vindicated by the Pastor. She began to give fake praise and worship. I was nauseous as I often am when she puts on these type of shows.
After sitting there 45 minutes into 11AM service, uncomfortable with all that had occurred, trying to convince myself to stay or else suffer the wrath of God for leaving, I left. (Note, I do get why we think like this. It’s called mind control of the masses and it has worked very well throughout slavery and even now in churches and synagogues for centuries.) This person has a habit of not wanting to be wrong when they are obviously wrong and would rather blame everyone else. It’s madness. Then on the ride home I had to talk myself out of feeling “guilty” about doing what was right for me which was leaving and possibly limiting my Sunday School attendance. When the person saw me leave, they texted me and wanted to know if I could do them a favor. I told the I could not. Afterwards, I went on to take myself out to eat and I am now home resting from an extremely exhausting, but profitable yesterday and an unexpected debt paid today which is also profitable to my well being.
There are just somethings in this life you have to take by the horns and fix it yourself. I waited until the last minute to resolve an issue. I sought wise counsel and I got great, but mixed advice. I thought I saw the right thing to do or was it that I saw what I wanted to see? I thought I felt the right thing to do, but it was too hard to do. I was vexed in my spirit for two weeks! I knew all along what had to be done. I only wish I would have done it sooner.
The lessons and reminders for me are:
- Leadership requires making hard decisions sometimes
- This wasn’t a Fix it Jesus moment. This was a moment of growth in my journey. It was very uncomfortable. I had to work through that emotionally and I am still working through that.
- Vibes and energy are important. If you don’t feel it or them, if they do not feel you, just don’t mix it with business or pleasure. People are responsible for the energy they bring to you and you are responsible for yours. You can put out good energy and they can still bring their weird or bad vibes. What are you going to do?
- If you are in business, you should bring good energy and vibes. You are providing a service, but people are paying you for it. Why would you bring bad juju? 😀
- You are not asking for a favor, you are acquiring a service. (wise counsel)
- Keep it short, don’t go into detail if you feel they won’t be receptive anyway, and keep it professional. (wise counsel)
- They told you how they felt about you through actions and attitude. It’s okay to do what you need to do. (God, Holy Spirit)
- This helped to decipher if I were being sensitive or if this was my GUT speaking. Hence, feeling vexed versus hurt feelings. My gut was practically screaming!
- You know what energy you want to bring to an event. You know your audience. Trust yourself to cut what doesn’t flow.
“I love to argue. I like getting a rise out of people.”
“I like to argue because it makes me feel like he or she loves me.”
“I like to argue because it’s passionate and it means they must really love me.”
“I like to argue and I get upset if my lover does not argue back.”
“I start arguments just to break up and make up.”
I’ve heard these things and more. I am always baffled by a person that likes to argue and even more baffled when they describe this in a relationship as “passion and love.” I have heard it so much over the years I ask myself from time to time, “Am I crazy? Is not arguing all the time, over any and everything not dysfunctional? Is there not something wrong with equivalating negative energy with passion and love?” I always thought people that like to argue are just miserable people.
In another scope of this crazy idea (well, crazy to me) is that constant arguing is a normal thing. I guess if you grew up in a house where arguing or creating division among family members was normal, either you do this or you do the complete opposite. Perhaps, it was or is a learned behavior in relationships.
I don’t like to argue. Some associate that with weakness. They associate a loud mouth or constant bickering as strength and power. Maybe, they think I don’t love them or lack passion. I won’t love you very long if you enjoy arguing I can tell you that. I won’t want to be around you much either if you argue every time we are together. Here is why:
- I grew up in a house where there was constant complaining/nagging
- I grew up where arguments in my younger years were traumatic for me (maybe not so much for my other siblings). IT CREATES MAJOR ANXIETY FOR ME to be in a room or near people arguing and yelling.
- It zaps my energy to argue. Especially, over small things.
- My temper is better than it use to be, but when you start insulting my intelligence or calling me out of my name I have a tendency to 10 up you and then I’ll be accused of going overboard.
- Arguing in general brings about a bad energy, it takes me forever to calm down.
- Arguing every day would wear me out. I wouldn’t be passionate about seeing you every day and I would not be in love with you long if all I did was see negative vibes coming when I saw you. You’d look better leaving than you do coming.
- It would get old quick in relationships and friendships if every time I had an opinion, made a statement, you would want to question it, debate it, create an unnecessary heated, inflammatory argument so that you could prove our friendship is solid or our relationship can stand the great debate of the left or right TWIX. BULL…
These are just a few reasons as to why I don’t like to argue. Do couples, family, friends, argue? Yes. Does it need to be every time we get together, or every other day? Over any and every thing? I don’t think so. You can call it weak or sensitive. I’m going to call it sanity. I’m for a discussion or a healthy debate, I am not for contention and contempt.
~Nikki, It is Well Within Me-The 43 Journey
Contrary to popular belief, the free spirit does abide by rules and understands the need for rules in society and other entities. However, I can’t tell you how difficult it is when those rules confines your spirit, puts out your fire, and makes you reel with anguish. Almost, on the verge of quitting or ending a commitment. I think about quitting church quite often. When I make this statement, religious people go nuts and the conscious crowd cheers. I think to myself, hey, I’m not too fond of some of your rules either.
I don’t think I am without some biases. I don’t think I am perfect. I think I am just myself. I’d rather worship God in spirit and in truth whether that be in a building or nature or at home. However, a free spirit needs community and community needs the free spirit. If only to set others free. I am labeled not a free spirit but, a rebel of some sort most of the time. I can see that! I own that. Especially, when I challenge a rule or break a rule. I am “making trouble” they say. I say I am just trying to “make sense” because you are really cramping my style, productivity, freedom, well being, happiness, and creativity.
Some rules should never change and some rules are meant to be changed as society or an organization changes or supposingly grows. I often think the reason a church or business may not see growth is because they are stuck on outdated rules (principles) and this is the way we have always did it. But heck, if it’s putting us to sleep or the competition is doing better…what in your mind doesn’t prompt you to CHANGE THE RULES OR CHANGE METHODS? Pride for the church and holding on to positions. Mindset of those in charge for businesses and holding on to positions. Change is good they say but, change can be slow and painful and some changes will not take place in my lifetime on Earth. And some changes make no sense s we have seen on a job coming from the higher ups that seem to be high when they make these “changes” the workers no will not work. Obviously, they are too high up to consult with us lowly workers (rolls eyes here). No way we could be smarter than they are due to our position.
So, here I am on a Sunday morning debating on whether to go to church or not. And it’s not just the church I attend (I have to state that because some people read my blog are members and ex members and they like controversy). I get a phone call in the middle of this post asking if I can bring the highlights of Sunday School. Well, let me go get dressed.