I don’t know why I decided I needed to MASTER anxiety. I mean I do, but what was I thinking taking on such an ENORMOUS task? The conversation went something like this:
Me: God I need to Master Anxiety. It will be better for me and others in the long run.
God: Ok. Boom! (First lesson).
Me: God? Is this the accelerated course?
And just like I was in a situation that was causing me anxiety. It was enough to turn me down a road facing depression. It was enough to make me cry out of frustration. It was enough to make me sad, gloomy, moody, and to have a few sleepless nights. I had a couple of close friends to help me along the way, but I wasn’t ready to HEAR and ACCEPT what I already knew. I was not ready for the lesson of 2019, “Don’t seek advice for what you already know. If anything seek confirmation of your soul or gut.” Well, today after dealing with another incident, I was ready to receive confirmation. I’d been asking for almost two weeks for God to help me to hear my soul. Help me to differentiate my thoughts, my heart, and my soul.
Well, after getting confirmation from a good friend, I was ready. I felt lighter and free from worry. I went on with my plans for the night. I wasn’t really expecting to hear from the individual. Although, I checked my phone a few times. Afterwards, I just went on enjoying my evening. I made it home and wasn’t thinking about WHY or WHAT. There is no excuse. There is no more understanding. There is no more of anything. A clean break.
So lesson #1 in Mastering Anxiety: You can address the behavior of another person that is causing you anxiety or you can remove the person from your space. This is MASTERING ANXIETY.
I look at 2019 like a game of chess. It was long and it ended in a stalemate. However, I’ve got the lessons, the diamonds, the nuggets, to prove I am still the champion of my life! I know the importance of counting my blessings in life and looking on the brighter side of things! Let’s start with the BIGGEST lesson.
- Listen to your GUT, INTUITION, THE HOLY SPIRIT above all other voices of advice. It’s good to seek godly counsel and good advice, but at the end of the day YOUR intuition is what knows. In fact, you already know the answer most of the time you are seeking “what to do” advice. You just don’t want to do it. You don’t want to be wrong. I didn’t. If you must look, look for confirmation to what your SOUL is saying.
- YOUR SOUL is where your intuition is. It comes from deep within. Your brain is your logic. Your heart (emotions) is your feelings. BUT your soul is what knows. So when it comes to matters of the heart, relationships, your heart and brain may be at war, but your SOUL knows. I have to listen to my soul more. MY SOUL WAS SCREAMING, but I was trying to rationalize and feel my way out of a bad situation.
- PEACE of MIND, a re-enforced lesson this year, IS EVERYTHING. What can you do without a peace of mind? Well, you may be able to function and get things done, but how much easier it is with a peace of mind. I am a creative being that requires a peace of mind to work. I know it’s my job to protect my peace of mind, but what I learned is that the wrong person in your environment can disturb and destroy your peace of mind. I feel so sorry for those who are linked up, living with, in a relationship, and married to a person that wreaks havoc on their mind and heart.
- IT WON’T GET BETTER. Them pretending to do better, do right, etc…nah…You’re not their JESUS (savior) or their THERAPIST which they so desperately are in need of both. Mental illness is real and comes in all shapes and forms. If you have a Narcissist or a Habitual liar on your hands, get them out of your hands, mind, heart, and life. They are only sowing hurt and harm into your life and reaping it in their own lives. It’s a big cycle of UNNECESSARY PAIN AND DRAMA. Which leads to…
- TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST. If you have a mate that only wants to eat junk food, fatty food, overly seasoned food, you may find yourself at the same table and in the same situation health wise they are in. You can nag all you want, but you can’t control other people’s habits. So literally, TAKE CARE OF YOU. Exercise by yourself or with friends. Buy healthier food. Meditate and seek a REAL spiritual connection daily. Actually, that REAL DEEP SPIRITUAL connection may be the thing that helps you move a way from an unhealthy relationship. BACK TO….
- MENTAL HEALTH. Go to therapy and don’t discuss what you discussed in therapy with a crazy mate. They will only try to discourage you and manipulate your sessions. It’s like the parable about seed being sown into the right type of ground. “How did your session go? What did your therapist say about us? Did you talk about us?” These are the questions they ask. They want to CONTROL your emotions and thoughts. They want to throw it back in your face and make you feel bad. They will even compare it to you sharing business. They will justify their conversations with other people. Namely the opposite sex. Don’t fall for it. The people they talk to aren’t professionals. Your response: “It went well. I have work to do. I don’t want to talk about my sessions. It’s personal. It’s private. Respect that. I am speaking with a professional. Why don’t you try therapy? I am sure they can refer you to someone.”
- TIME RESTORED. It’s just like reclaiming your time. I wasted a big portion of my year on a relationship. I felt bad until God reminded me that time can be restored by the Creator of Time. Time can be added. God has a RESET button. Hallelujah for that! I can get on with the business of dreams and goals like I never missed a beat. Keep it moving.
- YOU DIDN’T LOSE WHAT YOU NEVER HAD. You just created space for the RIGHT ONE. THE GOD SENT ONE or OPPORTUNITY.
- “IN THE DARKEST HOURS OF YOUR LIFE, USE YOUR NIGHT VISION”-NICOLE JACKSON. One of my favorite quotes dropped in my spirit from me.
Reflect on your 2019 and Release anything, everything, that hindered you or hurt you. Open up your heart to 2020 so that it may be filled with GOOD, PEACE, REAL LOVE and PROSPERITY.
So, I have been organizing, de-cluttering, and throwing away things in my room. It has been, and still is a task that can last days depending on what’s going in life and with my health. So, I was dusting and reorganizing my dresser and emptied out this jar of #somethinggood notes. I started it in January of this year and many times I forgot to add things. But, when I did open up some of the notes, I smiled. My heart felt delighted. I laughed. So, I decided that I would commit to this again, but starting in December of this year to December of next year. Here are a few of the notes:
There we more good things that happened this year. My daughter went off to college and she had all A’s her first semester. One of my books has been copyrighted. Some of my art sold in a charity auction and I earned a percentage. Some of my art is in an art gallery. I saw Jonathan Butler in concert with Kirk Whalum. I saw Norman Brown (my favorite jazz guitarist) and many more in concert. Talk about “fanning out!” and unexpectedly! I did more craft shows, in wonderful venues, and sold way more crocheted items and my art was noticed there as well.
All of these seemingly small things were hidden under a cloud of that “one bad thing that happened.” And even as the year closes out, something good is happening But, I will leave that written on a piece of paper to be put in the jar at the appointed time. In the meantime, I have a feeling there were be so many more SOMETHING GOODS that will go in to this jar for me to look back on at the end of next December.
What’s the last thing you need when you’re coming down from a big disappointment? You guessed it. Another disappointment. Granted it was minor in the bigger scheme of things, but I also look at the fact that I am a highly sensitive person that feels things on levels many do not. I also factor in that it takes me longer to “be okay” about certain things, to process it all. Even small things.
I first decided that I was not upset, but that I was disappointed. The infraction appeared to be unintentional. There’s this quote that says “Accept the fact that some people didn’t intend to let you down. Their best is just less than you expected.” -Thema Davis. I think the person could have handled it better and I sense there is something else going on. When this happened I was really disturbed and plagued with all sorts of negative thoughts about myself, life, and this of course spurred anxious thoughts. I went to bed after meditating only to be awaken by noise in the attic (A squirrel. I guess.) Yesterday was tough, a beast to deal with. I cleaned, washed, cooked, but all day was a battle of the mind and mood swings. I was glad my daughter was invited to a party later in the evening and spent the night with friends. This is the holiday season, a joyous time, and I was growing weary from trying to “be okay.”
I can’t rush my feelings to get to the I am okay segment. But what I can do is do everything I can to assist it to an at peace state. Challenge or question the thoughts in my mind. Are the thoughts true? If they are then what is the solution, action, to change them? Maybe the action is to “not do that again.” Maybe the solution is to remove the person from life. Maybe, give the person the benefit of the doubt, extend grace and mercy. Maybe the best thing to do if affirmations aren’t working, scripture isn’t working, meditation isn’t working, etc. is to SHOW MYSELF COMPASSION AND PATIENCE. DING DING DING.
Compassion and patience is what I need to get to the other side of this. It sounds like this: “My god Nicole. It’s no wonder you’re taking this so hard. Look at what happened to you this year. That was tough to deal with and you’re not even quite done digesting that! It’s like chewing with a mouth full of food and squeezing one more piece in. You’re choking. Sip some water. Breathe. Let that little bit go down. I think it went down the wrong way, but it’s okay. You’re still alive. The hurt will lessen. You know you are extra sensitive with all of that creativity pumping through your veins. So, give yourself some time to be okay. You need space to heal and deal.”
It looks like: Getting up. Getting dressed. Eating. Deciding what things on the list of the day are the simplest to do. It looks like temporary distractions such as TV or Music. It looks like sleep. It looks like positive YouTube videos, meditation apps, affirmations, and maybe chatting with friends. It looks like crying because that is release. It looks like forcing myself to church or an event or not forcing myself.
Time and Space.
I was a week behind putting up my Christmas decorations. I had a few more vending gigs this year than I did last year. My daughter is home from college and she put the tree up and helped me to clean up the incredible collision of crocheted items, fall decor and the pulling out and sorting of Christmas decor. It was a huge mess that was driving me up the wall! I do not like clutter or the feeling it brings! Nevertheless, in between crocheted orders and life I decorated the tree and my home. One smart thing I did last year was organize my ornaments and decoration according to what I wanted to do the following year. I knew I wanted red, white, silver, and black. I did change the black to turquoise, but I found that color easily because it was with the “carnival” tree decorations.
I know…the most being done, but I love to decorate for the holidays and according to the seasons.
Did you decorate for the holidays IF you celebrate the holidays?
Placement mats from Paris (Little Africa)
I was just thinking…what if 2020 is the year of YES for the Universe (Creator, God)? What if it’s the year that things can happen that you’ve been toiling (old school word lol), tilling the land for, praying for, working hard for, busting your head or butt for, hoping for? You know a year where things seem to happen almost too easy? “Miracle-ish” like? Appearing to be all of a sudden (but it’s not because you’ve desired it, tried it, tested it, failed aka learned from it, planted and waited for it, cried for it, felt like you died and came back to life for it, worked worked and worked some more for it)? What if????????
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
“All bad things must come to an end, and all good things must either remain, grow, or come back around again.” -Nicole Jackson