Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Too Much or Too Soon

Friday I decided to have a really good cheeseburger and fries combo with a diet coke for a late lunch. This was suppose to be it until dinner with the exception of a 15g snack. After the meal I was still thirsty. I was still a little hungry. That’s not a problem because I could have chosen something else to eat but, it needed to be healthy. I didn’t do that. I CHOSE some corn chips and a bottle of ginger green tea. That bottle of ginger green tea has a serving for 3 and guess what? I drank it all!!!

I am diabetic. In about an hour I began to feel really bad. I checked my blood sugar and WHOA! I’d never seen it that high before! I didn’t panic. I knew what to do. But boy, was I miserable for the next few hours. I admit I also had too many corn chips…and dip. WHY DID I DO THIS?

You may say it was a lack of self control. I think that’s a part of the puzzle. However, I took a closer look and I examined how I was feeling. I was feeling anxious. I was thinking about the vacation I had coming up and if things would be go well. I was thinking about the guy I am dating and if I’d made the wrong choice inviting him along.

I also wanted those chips and I wanted all of the tea. It was a deliberate choice and decision. I kind of felt like I deserved to have it. I mean after all, my thoughts at that time were on “Why can’t I have what I want in this life? I want what I want now. It’s taking so long to get there.” And so and so forth. FOOD can sometimes be a way to achieve the satisfaction you are lacking at times in life. I wanted to feel satisfaction that I was making the right decisions and that all was going to work out. I went the quick but, temporary route. I took a short cut with consequences.

Take a look at what happens when you have what you want TOO SOON or TOO MUCH? It can make you ill. It can be a disaster. It can not last. In life, we want what we want, and we often want it now. We may feel we have waited long enough and we deserve it. This type of thinking can lead us to make rash decisions and choices. It will lead to frustration and ultimately come to an end. If only I would have had the proper portion at that time. If only I would have gotten control of my emotions or thoughts and then I would have had control of my ACTIONS (DECISIONS). I would have been in a better frame of mind.

I don’t know what it is you want. I don’t know if you are tired of waiting on it to manifest. I don’t know if you don’t have the drive to make it happen and the proper patience as it happens. I don’t know if you are worried or have anxious thoughts. I do know that having what you want when it’s not time for it is not a good thing. I also know that too much of something, that you do want, could become a problem. And we circle back around to TIMING, BALANCE, PRAYER and PATIENCE. But might I add for those of us that struggle with anxiety, PAUSE and ask, WHAT AM I FEELING? WHY? and answer HONESTLY. Then do what you need to do to calm those thoughts and feelings in the least destructive way. Seek out therapeutic methods like exercise, something creative, something relaxing that won’t have a negative impact on you later.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Wrong but, Right

I wake up at 3 am from joint pain. I get up and take some pain medication. I doze off and I awake at 4:15 am to a beeping smoke detector that informs me the battery is low. Thanks. I get the footstool and I remove the batteries. I get back to bed. I am up at 7 am. An inbox from the speaker that is suppose to bring a message to the congregation cancels due to a fever. I call the pastor and the pastor will have to fill in. I get dressed only to look down to see the hem of my dress has unraveled and is shredded. I change clothes twice after that and I am ready to go. But, my daughter is not. I arrive at a church with 3 minutes to spare and I am asked to fill in here and there, all over the place because only a hand full of members are there. Just when you think it’s over we arrive to the restaurant for dinner only to find out they close at 2pm and will reopen at 4pm. New hours because there is a shortage on employees.

We decide to go to a restaurant that is close to where we are but, it is very expensive. We are seated with no issues and the food was delicious. I stuffed myself silly as it was a brunch buffet. Sad but, true.

With everything that happened this morning before I could leave my home, I almost said, “Everything that could have went wrong this morning did!” But, before I could finish it, I stopped. I thought, “Words have power. They have the power to create and to evoke emotions.” Instead I changed it to, “Everything that could have gone right this morning did!”

I know that may seem opposite of what happened. I reflected on what was going on and how at every turn I talked myself into remaining calm and hopeful. When I woke up for the third time at 7 am I was still in quite a bit of pain from Rheumatoid and my muscles were aching from fibromyalgia. I am in the middle of a flare up of both! A bowl of cereal and coffee. CBS Sunday Morning. Nodding off at times and praying things would calm down. During the getting dressed fiasco, “That’s ok. It’s alright. I know I am running short on time. It’s ok. Next dress. Next pair of shoes. Next on the accessories. Keep moving Nicole.” I am ready! My daughter is not. We will be late! It’s okay. It’s alright. Breathe. Write your notes. Start the car. Wait. Wait. Breathe. Wait. Don’t fuss when she gets in the car. She is having a rough morning, too.

She gets in with college size attitude. I ignore. At church, I kept going with the flow of the turn of events. Dinner, I may have been a bit frustrated but, adjusted my attitude before walking in and hoping they had space. I realized, I had ACED the TESTS of the day. Everything that could have went right, did. It may not have been RIGHT but, it was happening and this was truly a series of tests to see if I could put into practice things I have been reading, experiencing, learning, over the years. We are tested often in this life but, there are times when we get an EXAM. This was an exam. I aced it. I felt joy and then I thought maybe I shouldn’t be too happy. After all, this is spiritual stuff. Is it okay to be happy about this?

Absolutely! Understanding brings us joy! Enlightenment brings us joy! Why not celebrate when we pass tests and exams in life? It made my heart happy to see growth. I would have gotten angry. I would have given up. I would have been miserable. But, no. I just went with the flow of things and rode the wave on out to shore using a set of skills developed over time. Breathe. Self talk. Flow. Adjust. Think. Adjust Attitude to a better one. Smile. Ignore. Adjust internal emotions with truth to override facts. Pep talks. Shuffle. Repeat. Repeat.

Ahhhhhhh the day is done!

Don’t’ believe the hype in your life that can come from what you SEE. Seeing isn’t always believing. It looked like I was having a bad day but, it was all an illusion. Are there bad days? Of course! But this was just an exam and I am glad it is over.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: There Comes A Time Again and Again

My granddad holding my daughter. A precious memory.

“There comes a time” and that time will come again and again in your life if you choose to GROW and CHANGE. It will also come whether you choose to accept things or not. There comes a time when loved ones transition and transform. You either accept it or not or fall in between. That time will come again and again. There comes a time, you may have your heart broken or break a heart. That time comes again and again for some.

I have chosen to grow, develop my higher self until I choose to leave the Earth school, and to change for my good. My current “there comes a time again and again” is the fact that I am becoming aware of what a love for yourself and others can do when it comes to choosing or accepting a mate. When you embody love, or even attempt to embody a deep love for self and others, it’s difficult to accept unloving behavior in your own personal space. Therefore, if it’s not love, if it’s not love reciprocated, in your own personal space, it falls away. I’m speaking of a romantic love. Eros.

When you understand the importance and the depth of equally yoked, of being in synch, being on the same page or at least in the same book, it’s almost impossible to accept or remain in a relationship that is vastly a contrast to what love looks and feels like for you. For me, it’s not perfect but, it damn sure isn’t habitual cheating and lying. It definitely isn’t 80% hell and 20% peace. It isn’t stale or a settling. There is no chase for me but, a meeting up. A linking of energy and chemistry. It can happen quickly or it can happen over time. I like a steady pace. There is acceptance and likeness when it comes to spirituality and religion. There is an atmosphere of “team work” and making dreams work. There are disagreements to be expected but, no one is ready to jump ship for rain or storms. And prayerfully, the storms are far, few, and in between.

I’m still in this evolving, “there comes a time again and again” when it comes to love and I am starting to think (Okay. I know.) it’s a HUGE part of my journey and evolution. Some days I willingly accept the assignment and other days, I rebel.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Toxic Masculinity in Christianity. Examining the BEAM.

Plant Name: Hustle n Flow

Yesterday (Wednesday), I had a yellow plate, eggs, and lemon cream yogurt chosen without thinking. I said to myself, once I noticed, I must be eating for the solar plexus. For my fellow Christians, it’s the place where we say “I felt that in my belly!” or the place where you get “butterflies”. Little did I know I would have to assert myself today. It’s the place of personality, ego, and identity, as well as personal freedom, choice, and authenticity. You see God and I have this language, when I say, “God, let them do this or let xyz happen and I am going to say what I really think or want to say.” I can tell you that 99% of the time, God doesn’t let it happen. On the rare occasions that it does, I have learned to say what I need to say tempered (controlled) and direct. Most times. Today, I had to assert my personality, my ego, my identity, my personal freedom, my choice and my authenticity in DIVINE ORDER to one that is considered a leader in ministry. This toxic masculinity in Christianity must go and will go.

There is something to be said, that I won’t say, about people that only have something to say when they disagree with what you say or have something to say behind what you say when you are a woman in ministry. For one, there is something wrong within when one has a argumentative spirit. A critic spirit. A spirit that seeks out an opportunity to argue or to show off their knowledge (puffed up is how the Bible refers to them). There is an ill skill to the manipulation of another person’s words and to use your knowledge in such a way to dominate a conversation in such a spirit of negative ego. It’s the equivalent of over talking or yelling and feeling like you have “won” when there was nothing to win. The Bible speaks about adding and taking away from the Word. I don’t like it when people add or take away from what I say. Furthermore, I don’t like it when people tell me what I meant by what I said. ASK for CLARIFICATION before you ASSume. 🙂 I also don’t need a male counterpart to “second guess” or to explain what I say or my ideas or my philosophy. I’ve seen it over and over and again on social media. A male minister/pastor says something outside of the box, either other male ministers celebrate or approach with reverence for further clarification. WOMEN in ministry do the same and they come like a brood of vipers.

This “I know more than you” or this need to assert authority in places it does not belong has been something that has “irked” me from the beginning of my journey as one considered a woman in ministry. This need to control or monitor women is so unlike the God and Christ I am associated with. It is toxic. I was not created to be your personal assistant, maid servant or child. I was created to create. I was created with the intellect, too. I was created with a purpose, too. I receive dreams and visions, too. I know how to research, search, go to school and the same education you get, too. I think Jesus, in my religion, leveled the field. I’d appreciate it if some of the men in ministry would come off their high horses (pride comes before a great fall) and into the field. The harvest is plentiful but, the laborers are few.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Fragile

It’s not so funny how you think that what you and another person have is solid but, it turns out to be quite fragile. What’s really going on here I asked myself (and God) until I received an answer. Make it make sense. The simple answer is you may have been way more invested in it, the friendship, relationship, partnership than they were. It may have been layered with somewhat equal exchanges but the EMOTIONAL investment for you was much greater. Therefore, you feel a bigger let down and may have difficulty “wrapping your head around” their ability to move on as if it was nothing. I’m not saying they didn’t care. I am saying it was just not as much as you did. The bond was only on your end and your “deep” connection was more than likely a one way thing.

~Nikki

Whatever Wednesday: You Can Sit With Us, The Black People’s Edition

You know the scenario, the new kid walks into the lunch room looking for a familiar face or a place to sit only to choose a table and hear the words, “You can’t sit with us.” It’s the mean girls slogan for newcomers and it’s transferred over in so many cultures and into the work place. Why? Because mean people and childish adults exist in every culture, race, and they exist in institutions and corporations. EVEN CHURCHES!

In my race and culture I have found the same exclusivity in almost every situation imagined. I’ve been in churches where it wasn’t said but dutifully noted, “You can’t sit with us.” I have been on a job, walked into the breakroom, looking for my people and got the eyes of, “Un uh. Who are you? You can’t sit with us.” I was in my 20’s working at a well known corporate office and into the cafeteria walks the new black girl with her tray. She looks around nervously for a place to sit and I wave my hand like , “Here, over here!” She didn’t work in my department but, I saw her as she was given the tour. She came to the table and said, “Oh, thank you so much!” Eventually, she found her people in her department but, we kept friendly the entire time I was there. I’ve done this, make room and space, numerous times in settings where black men or women find themselves in a room full of us or not, with no idea how to navigate that socially awkward moment. I’ve done it for ANYONE.

I’ve been asked, “Why did you invite “HER” to our table?” or “Do you know them?” I invited her because she was black, a woman, a minority. I invited them because I have been them not because I know them and it wouldn’t hurt to get to know them. It’s okay to hold space until people find their place. It’s the nice, polite, kind thing to do.

Sunday, I attended the wedding of a friend. He was the groom. When I walked into the backyard of his cousin’s home, decorated beautifully, I didn’t know anyone that was there. I navigated towards a table that had a couple sitting at it. I spoke and sat down. I did the unthinkable and started with “small talk”. Before you knew it, we were talking and laughing. We were joined by two more of their family members and just as easily as the conversation started with the couple, so it was with the two additional family members. The people I was sitting with actually ended up being family of the bride. The conversation and laughs blossomed into the things we had in common, life, food, travel, an on the spot order of my chocolate covered strawberries, a remedy for bad knees (lol) and I now have “new” cousins and an additional auntie.

It doesn’t hurt us to be friendly, warm, and inviting to that unfamiliar yet familiar face. In society, we are often considered the outsider. The unequal. The not good enough. We should always, always welcome our own when given the opportunity. Especially, in our own social circles and environments.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Are We Done Yet or Are We Finished?

There is something about growth that I HATE when it comes to letting a relationship go or it letting me go. That part is “feeling sad”. No one enjoys it I know. But, I am speaking on when you have already learned the lesson (s) and you are ready to move on BUT you can’t because here comes a thought, a memory, an instinct, a knee jerk response to pick up the phone and can call their number. Then you are like, “Oh. Yeah. Can’t do that.” But I’ve got the lessons for me this time around:

  • Sometimes second chances don’t work out.
  • It wasn’t a waste of your time because your intentions were clear, pure, and true.
  • You learned to respect a person’s right to not feel the way you feel and to bow out (maybe not so gracefully but, hey as well as expected). This is your GREATEST LESSON.
  • Sometimes the friendship within the relationship also come to an end.

I understand. Now, let’s move on. Well, not so fast. And why not? Because you can’t rush time and you can’t rush growth. It’s like a plant and you can’t rush the growth of the plant after you have watered it. Even after you get the lesson, like water, it has to soak in. It has to get to the root. I’m ready to not feel sadness or loneliness but, it’s not happening as quick as I would like it to. So let’s soak it in with affirmations:

  • I am worthy of a love that flows freely from the heart
  • I am loved deeply and eternally by my twin flame soul mate
  • I am worthy to be a priority
  • I am worthy of a rich friendship within my relationship

SOAK IT UP. SOAK IT IN. LET IT GET TO THE ROOTS and SOAK IN THE SUN. AND JUST SIT THERE LIKE A PLANT. AND BE PATIENT. Affirmations or just the truth, is the water!

I keep checking on my plants as I am learning gardening on the fly. All of the plants I planted with the exception of the elephant ears were already in a bloomed state. I check on my plants almost everyday and I am disappointed when I don’t see a sign of the elephant ears blooming but, I am pleased to see some of the other plants thriving. When I do see growth I am shocked because it seems as if it wasn’t there yesterday or the day before! One day, I am sure I will notice the sadness has disappeared and the memories aren’t as vivid. They don’t come with pain or loneliness. WOW! GROWTH! When did you get here?! Neverminded that! Welcome!

~Nikki

Whatever Wednesday: April’s Lessons

  1. Remember your worth. No matter what is going on, the situation, the relationship, you are worthy. Walk in your worth. Rest in your worth. Walk in your worth means to walk in the confidence or certainty, that you are worthy. You say it. You claim it. When you feel unworthy is the time to OWN IT. Rest in it. After you leave the job, situation, when you get home, in the quiet moments…REST in your worthiness. No matter what happens…YOU ARE STILL WORTHY.
  2. You are worthy to be a priority. People make time for who and what they want. They do not make time for you because they do not want to. If they can shift and move and impromptu everything else…they can do the same for you IF they wanted to.
  3. Some things in life won’t go away in a few days or a few weeks. It won’t be lifted immediately after prayer or meditation. You won’t feel better after exercise. Some things will not be lifted with routine because it’s design for strength training and it’s the opportunity to for you to USE all of your skills, wisdom, experience, and knowledge you have gained. It’s show time, baby.
  4. You get over some things faster because you have grown.
  5. Move from desires to intent and let God, the Creator work out the logistics. Desires are great for visualization. Desires are great for making a list and writing the vision but, INTENT breeds action. Your part is action. My part is writing this blog. God’s part is the logistics. My part is to share it and tag it and boost it. What happens after that is God’s part. The logistics. Logistics- the DETAILED coordination of a COMPLEX operation involving PEOPLE, FACILITIES, or SUPPLIES.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Total Gut Job

I watch a great deal of HGTV and I know what it means when they say, “It’s going to be a total “gut job” for this room. It means heavy demo. Everything must go. It means this will cost much more money than they estimated. The definition? It means completely removing everything in a building down to the studs and can include removing the floors and all interior walls as well.

Imagine a gut job being done on you. Completely removing everything inside of your being down to the (heart, mind, spirit) soul and can include removing polluted belief systems and people, and all interior negative thoughts or energy. Gut jobs are a lot of WORK. They go into the space and tear it down with sledge hammers, jack hammers, drills, and all sorts of tools. It takes manpower to get the job done. It’s noisy and messy and sometimes dangerous. You may find rot and mold in the walls and underneath the floors. Sometimes, old wiring is bad or configured wrong and not up to code.

So what about us? What about all of the things that are in us that need to be uncovered and removed. You know they say Jesus of Nazareth was a carpenter so this should sit well with some Christians as well as those that claim spirituality (I claim them both. Don’t worry. God and I are at peace with this choice.) So, I found in the Bible, like you may find in other books, scriptures about removing “factious” people from your life after the first and second warning. (Titus 3:10). WOW. This is exactly what has unfolded before me. I am on the second warning and I have decided to remove it completely. A total gut job. Ouch!

But this goes for any factious (divided, schismatic, contentious, argumentative, quarreling, tumultuous, rebellious, seditious) person. You would be wise to remove them with the first and second warning (if you missed it the first time).

Do you think a spiritual and mental gut job feels good? No. It doesn’t. But it’s necessary for the remodel. It’s necessary for the NEW. The book of Ezekiel talks about God, the Creator removing detestable things and abominations from the people of Israel. I’d like for you to see this as some of the old, antiquated, biased and prejudice belief systems you have being removed. Demo is in full effect and here we run into rot and mold. Hazmat suit up and allow spirit to remove by guiding your thinking into current times. It’s time to gain a greater perspective with all of the information we have available to us now.

It’s all coming down and being torn apart. Nothing but the bare bones will be left. Breathe. It will get you through the demolition and the installation of the new. The Creator will bring your inner being up to code. But, you are the manpower. You have to get it done with the power of choice. You get it done with prayer and some deep meditation. You get it done with exercise. I really prefer yoga or tai chi. While walking you can focus on nature. Nature is healing. You get it done with wise counsel and a therapist. Yes sit and ma’am. I said therapist. Pretty soon, you will be whole with a completely new outlook on life, love, dreams, and relationships. Your path will be brighter and clearer. And the reveal will be stunning! The before and after you will amaze the world and you may even shock your self!

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Trusting Yourself

I accept the challenge to grow in this life. That being said it’s not always easy or simple. Apparently, it’s difficult letting God work out the LOGISTICS because I “secretly” am afraid that it won’t work out to my vision and what I hold deep in my heart. There…I said it. And I LOVE BEING HONEST WITH YOU ABOUT LIFE, THE JOURNEY, THE PROCESS. I have to share my struggles to encourage you, shed light, to free myself, and to…GROW and to help us. So this secret fear is rooted in FEAR itself and the lack of TRUST. FEAR of abandonment. Fear of making the wrong choice again. Trust God? Ok. Trust myself concerning this particular situation…uh given my track record, not so much. I’M GOING TO WORK THAT OUT TODAY. THAT’S A DEEPER WAY OF WORKING OUT YOUR OWN SALVATION (FREEDOM).

Affirmations to get me through the day (from my friend Alicia):

I love you, God.

I trust you, God.

I thank you, God.

~Nikki