Self-love is about being HONEST with yourself about yourself, and about others. You may have to admit that you are selfish, petty to the 10th power, maybe you do let people walk all over you, maybe you do think you are better than others, maybe you are lonely, maybe you do have insecurities. MAYBE they don’t love you or respect you. Maybe it is just about sex. Maybe you never wanted to be a physical therapist, nurse, warehouse worker and you really wanted to open a bakery. You may have to admit that you were wrong and that you hurt someone. The truth will set you free but only if you tell the truth to yourself and others. It is hard work.
My thought REFLECTION during this pandemic: 1.What does God, the Universe want from me? What is God or it saying to me? 2. What does God want from Christians? Pastors? Leaders? 3. What does God/Universe want from each country, continent, government, the world? What is God, the Universe saying?
REthink, REbuild, REflect, REpent, REvise, REplace 2020 Number 4 energy (Also working the 2 energy, 20 energy)
I’ve been wanting to get away from here, the city, alone, or at some retreat long before the world was hit with this pandemic. I didn’t want a vacation, but a restoration. Peace and quiet. When all of this is over, I am not going to drag my feet. I am going to find a place to go, to restore, to transform. I feel like I have been gathering supplies for the past five years. I have been shifting and changing. I feel as if I have been living a double life at times. One foot in tradition and the other foot in spirituality.
I am ready to fully devote my time to spirituality, the deeper things of the Creator. Here I am free, and a matriarch of the family keeps pulling on my robe. I am irritated by it. So, I have decided to finish out April and be done with it. I am also, serving a notice to a blog I managed in the past. I don’t want to do that anymore and I will not have time for it.
One of the things 2020 has done for me is forced me to open my eyes and ears. And in this stillness I move, breathe, and have my being.
It’s okay to back that train up and switch tracks, too. It’s no shame in making a mistake no matter how big or small. The shame is staying on a path with all of the signs of a danger ahead JUST BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG or because you are WORRIED ABOUT WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK. Drop that load and keep going or change directions. Trust me, you’ll feel so much better moving at the proper speed and on the right track.
I had the displeasure of meeting a person last night and the hostility in the air was so foul we chose to leave rather than to stay and be TOLERATED. I was glad the choice was made because you could choke off the energy in the air. I am really proud of myself and how I am handling the aftermath of the situation. I was prepared because I realize the opposition I am facing being the NEW as the OLD fades to black. I realize it’s a ride to paradise, but not without turbulence! So, had some helluva turbulence last night. Still headed towards my destination.
One thing I have learned in life is to go where you are CELEBRATED and not where you are tolerated. The quote by Maya Angelou above also popped into my mind. It’s funny when you are experiencing a quote, wisdom, or the truth in real time. I won’t forget how I was made to feel. REJECTED. It’s not the first time and even though it’s a negative feeling I also know that I am ACCEPTED by so many others. Why let the negative ride? I won’t. I came home, poured my water, hugged my friend, and lit the Gardenia scented candle that reminds of my “Big Mama” and my childhood. It reminds me that I am well loved, I am beloved, I am accepted by those that matter.
There are a couple of quotes that state something like, “Life doesn’t get any easier, you just get stronger or Life doesn’t get any easier, you just get better at handling the things you go through.” I would read these quotes and literally roll my eyes. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the part that says “Life doesn’t get any easier” because I want life to get easier. Don’t we all? Raise your hand if you want life to get harder and remain difficult. I thought so. Can we just get strong enough and learn enough and life gets better? Oh, wait, there is a thought. Life gets easier because we get stronger and we learn to handle the things we go through with accrued wisdom. -Nicole Jackson Yes, quote me on that.
You see, I am at this ebb and flow period of my life. This, nothing is happening, something is happening, but very slowly and we are going from 0 to 100 the next day or moment. I don’t like this phase of things. I imagine this is what being sea sick is like or motion sickness. I just want to get to my destination and BE STILL and ENJOY. I don’t want to ride the ups and downs of these sometimes humongous waves. Heck, I can’t surf or swim! Topsy turvy much? Yes. Much. This type of phase doesn’t work well with my anxiety and depression. What is a girl to do?
A girl is to hold on. For dear life. To her Creator’s unchanging hand. A girl is to cry, get upset, be happy, meditate, have a margarita or go to bed. However, a girl deals with this phase of life is how a girl deals…without judgement from others or herself.
Life gets easier because we get stronger and we learn to handle the things we go through with accrued wisdom. -Nicole Jackson
I don’t know if I will master the art of suffering, but I know that I have suffered a lot in this lifetime. My suffering is not to be compared with others. I don’t believe in who suffered more because as I have said my whole life, “We all have our own personal hell(s) to live through.”
Speaking of hell, I had a migraine last night that could be considered and EF4 if it was a tornado. It was a 9 on a scale of 1-10. As I lay on the couch in darkness, a lavender candle lit, I thought to myself, “Why do I have to suffer so much? I have suffered my entire life physically and with matters of the heart. I want this suffering to be over. I deserve more peace, love, and joy the rest of my years.” And then I said to myself, “You can endure this. You can get through this. This pain will not last forever. You just have to wait it out. You’ve done everything you could in the natural and spiritual. Wait it out. Think of things that bring you peace and comfort.” It took seemingly forever, but after a migraine that started with a suddenly stiff neck around 4pm and turned into a full blown migraine around 7pm, after 11pm I could finally sit up without the feeling of severe nausea. I got up from the couch and went to bed.
When I woke up this morning I saw this quote. How true I thought. Even though I get tired of suffering, it is better that I work with the suffering, instead of against it. Working against it only makes it worse. I get upset about the migraine, start to go into why and my heart rate raises. Blood pressure goes up and the pain worsens. I go into panic when what I am doing is not working fast enough. It only makes the pain worse. I let go last night and just endured. I have decided not only to not compare my suffering to others, I have also decided to not accept that I suffer more because I am stronger than others. Hell, I get tired of being strong. I am also weak in my suffering many times in private, but it is my God that is stronger during those times. God sends angels and earthly angels to help me through my sufferings. I am thankful and grateful for them. I may never know why we suffer more than others. I accept that it just is and this is why I cherish the simple things in life as if they were the most valuable because many times those are the only things I can focus on in times of suffering.