Watering Gratitude: Hopes and Dreams Drowned

“You took away my hopes and dreams of a family. Who’s going to want me now? What if they want children and I can’t have any more?” These are the accusations and questions I presented to God before and after I had a hysterectomy years ago. My fibroids and bleeding were so bad when the nurse called me after a blood test she asked, “My God! How are you still standing? Your iron level is so low!” Coming in after the test it was determined I had fibroids. However, as a black woman, I had to FIGHT doctors, particularly white male doctors, to take me seriously. It wasn’t the first time. But, it’s not just white male doctors, it’s doctors of cultures that see black women as less or women as less. (I often wonder why the hell are you a doctor if you can’t care for patients across the board?). It was a white woman that had a traumatizing childbirth that taught me to advocate for my health. I took care of her and the baby for two weeks.

Going from specialist to specialist they finally saw the fibroids. I had no choice at the time but to have them removed. I was devastated. I wanted to have more children IF I were to marry. It wasn’t going to happen. I went in fora surgery that was supposed to take 4 hours but it took much longer. When I woke up, the room seemed to be shaking, jittery. I could not focus my vision. One of my lovely Indian doctors grabbed my foot and said, “Mrs. Jackson, we almost lost you. You lost a lot of blood and this is why you may not be able to focus right now. Just close your eyes and listen to me.” I felt her still holding my foot. “We started off trying to do laser surgery but, where you had a C-section, the skin was so thick, we could not get through. We had to cut you and remove the fibroids. We also found another unseen fibroid underneath. You will need a blood transfusion.

Recovery was an ordeal. Here is how my gratitude for LIFE itself, breath itself, was watered: When I thought about how I could have died on that operating table and left my daughter, my family, my friends, I was so, so appreciative of life in a deeper, greater way than I had ever been before. It made every problem around me, including not being able to have more children and who would want to be with me, pale in comparison. I was beyond happy and beyond grateful to JUST EXIST. To see my daughter’s face and to feel her tiny hand after the surgery. I was happy to hear her voice and to see my parents. They were all there during the surgery.

Many times, after healing from that surgery (as I was still dealing (and healing) with not being able to have more children or grappling with life’s issues), I would recall how I could not have been alive and my problems seem to shrink some. I breathe and say, “I am grateful to be here. I am still here. I have many purposes in this life. I am grateful. This too, (whatever I am facing) will pass.”

Gratitude watered.


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: My Word for the Summer

Photo by Sven Huls

If you know me you know I flow with Spirit (for the most part). As I was thinking about what I wanted from the summer season and what I wanted to give to the summer, I realized I was going to need courage. My word for the summer is courage. You may be thinking, what’s Nikki up to? Is she going sky diving or cross country? No. None of that. Let’s start with what I want from the summer or better put, what the summer has for me.

Summer is a time of vibrancy, production, and growth. It is a time where light is extended, longer days. It’s a time when most people take their vacations. We slow down as well. The grass is green, flowers have bloomed, and the weather is warm (hot depending on where you are located). It’s also a time where certain things are ripe and ready for picking. There is a harvest happening in summer. Proverbs 6:8 “Provides her supplies in the summer, and gathers her food in the harvest.” Proverbs 10:5. “He who gathers in summer is a wise son; He who sleeps in harvest is a son who causes shame.”  It’s lively in the summer. Although we can sleep in, we are also awakened to the business of events such as holidays and weddings. The workload is usually higher in this season. We are interacting with each other in our communities and the world more. Summer brings renewed energy. So, what does this mean spiritually?

Summer is when we see the fruits of our labor. It is a time where we can see the seeds we sowed into our minds and hearts in spring, winter, and fall manifest. It is also a time of refinement of our gifts, talents, and growth. We gather the fruits of our labor in our businesses as well or we see the hard work and planning paying off from the former seasons. This is if you have been doing the work or learning the lessons from life or the journey you chose. Summer gives us opportunities to do something fun and new. It offers time to slow down, enjoy life, and give the people in your life your undivided attention. Put your phones away and watch a movie or the stars. Water is waiting. Summer says put your feet in the water. Put your boats in the water or take a swim. Feel the coolness. Play. It’s a reminder to play. It’s a reminder to rest. It’s a reminder that you can still work, create, but look up and live. This is what summer is giving me. Options. I think summer wants us to gather up the time and spend it wisely.

What do I want to give to the summer months? I want to give more time and attention to my daughter who is home from college. Not a summer of dragging ourselves here and there but, more of a quiet summer being at home and trying new recipes together. Maybe, a concert or two. Enjoying time with family and friends. Hosting an event. I want time with friends and associates. I want light hearted conversations. I want to work on a book or two. I want to paint. I want simplicity. Fresh lemonade. A cherry cobbler. I want to sit on the porch in the morning and drink my coffee and daydream about winning the lottery. I want evenings of rest. I want deep conversations. I want laughter. I want love. I want to smell soft scented candles floating through the air. I want to be heard.

I need courage. Courage to write again. Courage to say no to the many ways I could be pulled in different directions and become swept up in saving people and doing things I didn’t sign up to do. I need courage to be heard, to speak my mind, heart, and soul. I need courage to remove the lizards from my porch that are stuck in the sticky traps. I need courage to hike because well, there are things in the woods I don’t want to run across. If I can find swimming lessons, I will need courage. I am terrified of swimming. I will need courage to start the podcast that is calling me. I will need courage to continue the YouTube channel, the Garden of Mind. I need courage to be honest with myself so that I can stay aligned with Divine Flow.

It took courage to change my relationship with certain groups in the Spring. I think that was the start of everything. It took courage to stand my ground about not being the chairperson or co-chair of a certain month filled with activities and one tyrant for my home church. I guess I also want peace from summer. I want to be in my own world coming out to play and then go back home. I want to learn something new and that too, will take courage.


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Lesson in Everything? Tuh!

I walked out to the front yard Wednesday morning to water my plants. I discovered someone had stolen my nozzle (sprayer). It was my favorite out of all the ones I’d had previously. It was sturdy, quality, and endured all of the times I forgot to put it away during winters. I was highly irritated that someone had taken it but even more disturbed that someone had the audacity to come on my property! I immediately went to the store and found the exact one I had. I was relieved. So, where is the lesson?

People shouldn’t steal. I should have put it away (but I feel I shouldn’t have to because it’s on my property but, I know we all live among thieves. Even in the suburbs which I do not live in.) I believe those are the obvious lessons. The natural lessons. The more spiritual lesson for me (us?) is to take care of the little things that bring you happiness, pleasure like you do the big things that bring you happiness, pleasure. Cherish the small moments that bring you peace. Cherish the lull in conversation with someone you adore, admire, love, and like. Cherish doing nothing with a loved one like sitting on the porch or in the backyard. Think of the last time you had a chat with someone you hadn’t spoken to in a while. How precious was that moment? Pay attention and put away in your heart, in your memory, the small things that light you up.

I certainly didn’t treat the nozzle like it was my favorite. I tossed it near the hose. I left it out year-round. Terrible. My oldest brother told me a few years ago to put away my tools and store them properly and they will last a long time. I didn’t listen. I also had to replace my garden wand because…I left it out all year long. There must be a small crack or the washer shrunk due to the drastic temperature changes. When I turned it on water sprayed everywhere onto me! I was soaked lol! So, put away/take care, literally and figuratively, of the small things/moments you cherish.


Where Are You?

Photo by Oziel Gu00f3mez


Me: SAY THIS and notice the difference in what you feel.

I am right where I need to be

I am right where I need to be for change

I am right where I need to be to leap out on faith

I am right where I need to be for growth

I am right where I need to be for expansion

I am right where I need to be to start a new journey, a new adventure in life


Are You There God? It’s Me, Nikki.

I used to think that when I asked or talked to God about something and God gives me an answer that seems unrelated, way out in left field, God didn’t care about what I was talking about. Since I’ve grown, I have learned that it means these things thus far:

1. I hear you but that’s not the pressing issue right now. We’ll get to that later.

2. I’m telling you this, showing you this, because this is what I want you to focus on.

3. Let me take you forward and then back to what you were talking about and it will all make since soon.

4. This is a piece of the puzzle. Hold that until you find the other piece. Let’s go on an adventure to the answer. Guided footsteps. (Sometimes, I don’t “be” feeling like going though! 😬)

5. That is the answer. Look again.

6. That’s not your business.

7. You wouldn’t understand it right now. Wait until you grow some more.

8. I’ll tell you when you get to the next realm and even then you wouldn’t care as much about it as you do now. So, be at peace with never knowing some things and never understanding some things. (How? Trust God. Accept the peace Jesus willed to us.)


Q and A with God

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I was praying my regular prayer this morning and as usual I go off track. I started hitting God with a barrage of questions. Questions like why do good people have to fight evil all of the time? Why can’t we have a winning season or months years or a decade? And why does it seem like others people progress is quicker than mine’s? Why does my progress seem so slow? Why does love take so long for some of us?

I continue to ask more questions and then I say I know you’re not going to answer me or maybe you will hopefully soon.

I open up the book I’ve been reading in the mornings or most mornings and this is what I see and read:

When you see the world through the eyes of a Christ, you no longer feel yourself to be the victim of anything. There is nothing to fight. There’s nothing to prove, and no one to prove it to. When everyone is whizzing by you it does not disturb your inner peace.

When you hold on to things that have happened, they take up space in your lives. When you keep repeating the sagas and the dramas, they take up precious spiritual, emotional, and physical space in your life. When you wear your scars like Merit badges, or name tags, then you are WEDDED to them. You become available to them because you are available to whatever has your attention. What has your attention, my children? -The Sacred Yes by Reverend Deborah L Johnson


“Thursday” for Money Affirmations

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My bank account is like a garden that is always growing.

I know how to manage my money.

Money making opportunities are available to me.

I am connected to Source that has the resources for me.

I love what I do and I make money doing it.

I like money.

I have multiple streams of income.

I know how to save money.

There is no limit to the amount of money I can make.

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Weird Evolution Spaces

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Getting used to this “evolved” me is like driving a new car. You know how to drive but you’re unfamiliar with where everything is. The car and you aren’t one yet. It feels different. I’m reacting differently or either reacting the same but quickly correcting myself. I know I have work to do because we will always be working on ourselves. Well, those of us that understand that life is about growing until you leave this realm.

I’m in a space where when it comes to some choices, no matter what I choose, it will work out. And that feels strange. It feels strange because things haven’t worked out for me the way I believe or thought they would often. Maybe, I am really starting to believe and understand that things will work out when you try. I mean when you really put forth effort and make informed or the best decisions you can make. Maybe, it’s starting to work out when you mature. When you listen to others that know what they are talking about and have actually lived this life for a while. Maybe, it’s because you have more experience and you have grown in ways you never thought.

I’m also in a space where alignment is happening and I can actually see it. I can SEE it happening. Such a contrast from my year of endings last year.


Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Spring Peptalk

My Aloe Vera Plant, Gloria

“Thoughts that are out of alignment with your spiritual truth are toxic”- The Sacred Yes

Spring is the NEW YEAR.

You may now FEEL like doing those things you set out to do on the Gregorian calendar in December/January. You might feel more energetic, optimistic, refreshed. It took me a while to start moving along with nature and God.

I’m still learning to be attentive of the seasons and the timing of them. And leaves, flowers, vegetation, don’t just happen overnight in spring. There’s a process underneath and within. And even that process is affected by its region, environment, and weather.

Purge your space, circle, mind, body, and spirit.

Get your fresh nourishment. Get your fresh information. You’ve written the vision and now your steps are being ordered. Introduce some movement, action to the vision, dreams, goals.


The Cleaning Agents Truth and Honesty: Inner Work

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I have a friend that deals with reality by not dealing with it. He likes to pretend that his world is perfect in public. He puts his parents and marriage on a pedestal to the world. He is in photos that would make you think all is well. Yet, in his private life there is a different story. He’s the type that makes idle threats about what he’s going to do and say but never acts on them. He’s the one that upholds the wrong doing of his father by being silent. He needs the acceptance of that parent. Plus, the public thinks his parents are amazing. Deep down inside, he’s drowning. The things he does, the moods he has, the thought patterns that keep him trapped, all connected to childhood, religion and young adulthood experiences. He internalizes all of his grief, sorrow, hurt, disappointments, and I worry about the toll it takes on him physically.

If you are ready to heal, grow, improve, stop a bad habit, if you have lost too much and too many people, then take a couple of deep, deep breaths and prepare to go inward. In fact, you may need an oxygen tank because it’s going to take many deep dives to get to the root of some things. Some people start in shallow waters and then make their way to the deep and some just jump in. It’s an unraveling. Some said it’s like peeling back and onion layer by layer. But for me, some of my baggage had more layers than an onion. And if you want to know how long it takes to be healed, check out my other blog post from last week https://nikkisconfettilife.com/2023/01/11/how-long-does-healing-take-inner-work/

You just may have to admit that you are not perfect. You are not always right and may be rarely right. You may have to tell yourself the truth about your household, your feelings about it. You may have to tell yourself the truth about how you grew up and that perhaps your parents were not so perfect, either. You may have to untangle the web of your actions and behaviors. This can be some work and this is why most people leave this earth bound instead of free. They remain the same, sad or angry, silent or pretending, trapped in denial, and steeped in open or hidden misery.

Truth and Honesty are like ammonia or some strong cleaning agent mixed with water. Mixed just right it can get the job done without damaging what it is cleaning. If you ever decide to HEAL or CHANGE you can’t do it without Truth and Honesty. Here is what I have learned about inner work, it’s rewarding. It’s freeing. The “work” can be tiring, dirty, exhausting, but when you are clean, when you come into the light of understanding why you do what you do, say the things you say, act a certain way it gives you knowledge. It gives you POWER to be your AUTHENTIC SELF and to walk in the fullness of your destiny. It gives you WHOLENESS like you have never known but before you may feel like you are being ripped apart. Fear not. It’s only so you can be put back together, with some new parts and reprogrammed. This is when people will say, “Hmm, you’re acting funny. You have changed. There is something different about you.” And it will be true. There is something different about you when you do the work of healing yourself.