Validation, conceptualized by psychotherapists as “finding the truth in what we feel and think” [1], and the essence of which communicates to another that their responses make sense and are understandable within their life context or situation -NIH https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9116024/#:~:text=Validation%2C%20conceptualized%20by%20psychotherapists%20as,is%20commonly%20applied%20in%20psychotherapy.

We are often pondering if we MAKE SENSE to others. We want to do if how we behave, if what we are doing makes sense and is approved by others. And when we do get the green light from others, the nod of approval, or at least from enough people or the people we want to please, we often can feel okay and peaceful inside. We can feel empowered to keep going. Does this line up with the society I live in? The environment, household, culture I am in? The friendship circle or relationship I am in? Am I okay? Am I doing okay?

I think this is okay to feel this way to a certain degree and on certain levels. I mean, you do want to come to work with clothes on if that is the culture and society norm. Certainly, most people would disapprove if Craig came to work in his boxers only. So, this deters Craig from coming into the office in his boxers only. Yes, we want approval and validation from our family that we are within the family range of normal. Hopefully, that family range of normal is healthy. We don’t yell at each other. We apologize to each other. We all become doctors. Wait, what? No, we all become law enforcement officers and military personnel and become high ranking officers. Wait, what if I don’t want to do that? Oh, no! The family will be upset. It’s not about my desires. My desires don’t matter. Therefore, I must do this and excel and pretend I enjoy it while all the long I resent it. I resent them. I resent myself for never being able to color outside the lines, live outside the norm, live on the terms my soul, spirit, and Creator are in agreement with.

This is when validation becomes a problem. It becomes a problem when you can’t be free to be you and do you without the balance of validation of others. You don’t want to live on the applause of others because what if they don’t clap for you? You don’t want to live on the green lights of others because what if they turn red? What will you do? Will you shift your entire life, your thoughts, mince your words until they become baby food to please them? To be validated by them? If you live for their YES then you will DIE by their NO.” -Nicole Jackson

Validation can be tricky. If some people, like a parent or mentor, know you are desperate for their validation, they can manipulate you to do things and to be something you truly don’t want to be. Yet, you want to be understood by someone. So, what can you do? What do you do to remain true to yourself, your values, your dreams, your hopes? I told my daughter, “You must be willing to lose some people in your life so you don’t lose yourself!” You also, must learn to validate yourself and let God validate you and your actions or movements throughout this life. Don’t worry about being perfect, you won’t be. It’s okay for people to be upset. It’s okay for family to be upset. It’s okay to kicked out of the circle because you want to be your authentic self and live your authentic life. Maybe they will get it later, maybe they won’t. Either way, you will feel better than “better”. You will feel free!

~Nikki

Obedience to your inner calling, your soul mission, your life work is greater than the sacrifice of validation of others. -Nicole Jackson, Nikki’s Confetti Life

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