June Exploration: I Am Not The Same (But, I Knew That)

I have a flower bed filled with different types of flowers. When I go out to water them in the morning I am not shocked that there are different ones but, I am often amazed at their beauty and differences. If only being in ministry as a Christian, and I imagine any other religion, was as simple as we are all flowers but, different. Different in thoughts, views, personalities, etc. We can disagree on doctrines and theology (I know that’s controversial) and still hold core principles. But, it’s not like that. And I don’t know why I am shocked when I am reminded “I am not like them” and if they realized it, maybe they do, they are not like each other in many ways.

I have been in a class this week with all male pastors and ministers. They have been welcoming, respectful, and a delight. I have learned quite a bit because I listen and I have shared my thoughts and opinions and they have been received with the same respect. I am the only woman in the class and when I say we are not the same I don’t mean male or female. That is the obvious. However, I am speaking from my own reflection of myself and my viewpoints of Christianity, church, denomination, spirituality. I know some of the things I do and believe would not be understood or welcomed. In fact, it would be and will be criticized heavily. So it is with many. It has been said, “If you don’t want to be criticized, don’t become a leader.”

I don’t know about that. It is one of the reasons I struggle with being called a leader in the religious sector. I see MANY who have been criticized and eaten alive by other Christians, non-religious people, and non-Christians. Some may deserve it and need it because of horrendous actions but, for having personal perspectives and personalities? I don’t think so. For doing things in a non-traditional way? I don’t think so. I am not talking about things far off the beaten path of a religion. Just different. I have watched some criticized for their style of preaching or teaching. Why? What business is it of yours? Clothing? Too casual. Too flamboyant. Give me a break. And yes, I know when we are talking extremely tight or short but even in that, what can I do about it? As I listened to some thoughts, opinions, and deeply held beliefs, I simply was affirmed that “We are not alike” and that is absolutely ok. I think instead of declining leadership because you are afraid of criticism, perhaps do as I did. I asked God to help me. Help me to withstand the fiery darts.

I am a sensitive soul. I have been criticized most of my youth and during my young adulthood by an authority figure. So much so, it took a work-dad/spiritual father to tell me there is a difference between criticism and correction. Anytime I was corrected, I thought it was criticism. It also depends on HOW I am corrected. The tone used. Who’s saying it. I have worked on it all. Can we say it was a trigger for a very long time? When you are made to feel as if nothing you do is right you tend to think that way. I am happy to report I have healed but sometimes, I still have those thoughts and I have to “handle” criticism and accept correction.

Being a unicorn-lioness-renaissance/modern-type of woman among men in this day and age where it’s still being debated about women in ministry is certainly a challenge. Am I up for it? Not really. But I am not running away from it. I guess I handle it like this, I am who I am and who I am called to be. I lean more towards the spiritual side of God and Christianity which has not been explored much. It has been more about doctrine, theology, methods, religious activities. I am not going to debate with anyone about my relationship or my salvation. I am not going to debate anyone about their beliefs or religion or nonbelief. But, if one wants to have a conversation like adults and spiritual beings, I am open once I read the energy and intent. Since I can only speak to me, when I want to know more about someone and what they think or why they chose a particular path, I am trying to understand them. I am trying to learn about their beliefs. I am not trying to argue or debate or change them. If there is an opening for that, I gently knock and ask to come in. I don’t kick the door off the frame and demand them to accept my religion.

~Nikki