Can We Be Friends If You Can’t Understand Rheumatoid Disease is a DIS-EASE?

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When Rheumatoid Arthritis was in remission, yes, it is a disease that can go into remission, I was living it up! Going going gone! A whirlwind of endless fun and good times. My energy was unbelievable. People would say “You are always on the go” or “You walk by so fast it’s like a blur!” Working 10 hour days 5 days a week and then getting all the overtime I wanted. At one job, working 12 hour days and filling in days and nights. It was nothing. I would rest later. I was a mom that was full of energy and I thank God I had that time when my daughter was very small and RA didn’t come until here tween years. Yet, I often feel guilty that we aren’t out and about as much as I would like and often I get tired or hurt before a day of fun is over.

I’m okay with who I am and how I have to operate to preserve my body and my peace of mind. I have found that others, strangers, friends and family are not. I have pretty much embraced that RA has returned and it brought along some of it’s friends; fibromyalgia, osteoarthritis, and diabetes to ensure my demise. Epic fail indeed! I am still alive, well, and kicking. Albeit, in a different and new way that I am getting use to.

If I go home because I can’t go hard is that a strike against me? Am I the party pooper? If I need a break, a nap, or choose to chill when we are on vacation, am I boring? How so? What you eat doesn’t make me poop! So what I do shouldn’t make you constipated. What people like me want is your understanding, not your criticism. We don’t really want your sympathy, but your empathy and really I don’t need that. I prefer you to understand and keep the party going without me. True, I am the life of the party (haaaaaaa!!!!!) when I am in party and wilding out mode but, in reality the party goes on. So you don’t have to talk about us behind our backs and you can keep the rolling of the eyes, too. If you can’t adapt to the new me and yet I am the one carrying the load and I have adjusted my new crown, then I don’t think we can be friends.

Do what I do. Enjoy those moments when I am riding high. Cutting up and laughing. Enjoy those times that I can pull an all niter, when I am on the floor dancing (something I love to do) and I am hosting a party on my feet making sure you enjoy your night. Note, I will have to pay dearly for the physical things I do later and for how long and how bad is anyone’s guess. It’s a sacrifice willingly made. Google Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease, Fibromyalgia, etc.  to understand what your friend or person you love is going through and HOW it IMPACTS their life. Heck, (really wanted to say hell), talk to them and LISTEN. It impacts everyone differently.

In all your gathering of information, cures, judgments, undocumented medical advice and unsolicited advice, get an understanding by caring enough to understand the needs of a person you call a friend or family member. Know that I am always grateful and appreciative of natural remedies, exercises to help me, or even friends that call to tell me about a medication. I know that they are thinking about me.

get-understanding

~Nikki

 

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musing:Unnecessary Guilt

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Let me dive into a personal truth about myself. For years I use to struggle on the inside with feeling guilty about speaking out when someone has wronged me or has disrespected me. I was a sensitive child and I am PROUDLY a moderately sensitive adult. Being sensitive to the feelings of others and issues makes me the compassionate woman I am.

However, from time to time when I KNOW I am right about standing up and speaking up for myself, or letting a person know how far they can go or where to get off (lol), I still struggle with a tinge of guilt when CLEARLY I am in the right. I don’t allow people to hurt my feelings without them knowing how I feel about it or if they have disrespected me I tell them. How else when they know? Grow?

If you struggle with the guilt of hurting others feelings or with expressing yourself, then it stems from somewhere. Sensitive to others or you’ve had your voice dismissed in the past when you were unable to feel OKAY about BEING RIGHT. I think mines came from my childhood. In various ways, I was shut down negatively when I was right because well, I was a child. And authority ruled. It was the law of the land. Also, in a more positive way, my siblings and I were very respectful of each other and rarely argued or fought once we grew up. We all have had to apologize to each other as adults but, rarely. Yes, we taught to apologize when we were children as well. We were taught that way. However, parents rarely admit or apologize for being wrong. Thankfully, my parents grew spiritually and as we got older they have apologized for doing things the way they were did or things from the present.

I just want to say, stand in your truth. Stand in your right. Stand and have a voice. Help people to grow and to know where the line is on how you will treated and respected. Even it hurts them, they will grow and know. No guilt for speaking the truth and your feelings.

~Nikki

Baileys Original Irish Cream is in my Folgers. ❤

Something About Boaz

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It’s a good thing Boaz didn’t look at how much money Ruth could bring to the table. When he saw her getting the scraps and found out her story, instead of judging her, he saw that what she could bring to the table was priceless. Loyalty exceeding death, beyond bloodlines, doing what she had to do, commitment and the ability to love and labor for those she loved. He would have missed out. #SomeThingAboutBoaz

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Dealing with Adults that Play the Victim

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It’s a heavy topic, but it’s been on my mind for several weeks. There are a few reasons adults play the victim role such as: it gets them attention, it gets someone to feel sorry for them, it allows them to manipulate the situations and feel in control. Somewhere along the way, perhaps in childhood or with someone in their life, they found this role comfortable and acceptable. They are especially clever at using this role to create a situation, blame someone else, never say they are sorry, and then get people to be “on their side.” It’s a victory for them.

The way I deal with adults like this is the same way I deal with a child. I don’t give in to their tactics and I point out where they are wrong with logic and if necessary, scripture. Sometimes no response is the best response and to carry on with your life. Really, if you have someone in your group, crew, circle, church that is a “master” at playing the victim they need the Master to makeover  them over. They need to master their feelings. People who play the victim want you to be responsible for their feelings. They need to be responsible for their feelings!

Why with love? These people are wounded and they have become accustomed to a false sense of power. Playing the role of the victim for your entire life, or whenever it is necessary is a weak position that renders you no real power. Real power comes from:

  • accepting when you are wrong
  • healing the wounds of the past
  • dealing with your feelings maturely
  • asking for forgiveness for your lies and games
  • not needing attention from negativity or period to feel important, to validate your opinion or your feelings
  • accepting that things do not have to go your way
  • living from a position of honesty and truth is power

~Nikki

Adults Who’ve Survived the Critic Parent

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The artist name appears on the photo. 

Some of us grew up in loving and caring environments and some of us did not. Some of us grew up in loving and caring environments that were flawed on some level. Sometimes deeply flawed or sometimes tumultuous depending on the problems the parent or parents had. It could have been an ill parent, an unfaithful parent, it could have been arguing all the time, or the parent could be one that came and went. Today I want to speak to those that grew up with the Critic Parent. The one that ALWAYS had something negative to say or critiqued everything you did or every choice you made.

I grew up with one. Every choice you made, there was a better one. When you did your chores, there was always something you could have did better or forgot. When you did things to try to impress that parent, they were not all that impressed. Each time you did your hair or got dressed, they would frown up at your attire or choice and I am not talking about the typical parent-child disagreement about clothes and hair. This is beyond that. This is a tear down of the child. A ripping of their power to make choices and to feel good about their choices and themselves. All of this is about that and the child needing to be supported, guided, and free to be an individual. I felt singled out from all of my siblings. The boys in the family didn’t have this problem, but the only sister I had said she would experience it from time to time, but as soon as she was able to she left the house.

The constant stares, criticism, correction, and questioning of everything I did, said, or chose literally destroyed my self esteem. I was already an outsider with my red hair as an African American child, my brainy self, my extreme shyness, and artys personality. I wasn’t accepted in many circles and to be home and not accepted was traumatic to my sensitive soul. Did you know, that those who are artists and creative types have a spectrum on the emotional scale as more sensitive than normal and that can swing to more depressed than normal? I had no idea until I started seeing a psychologist. My mother always said “If you just look at me, I would start crying.” I wonder if she created that insecurity within me or fostered it. I don’t know.

I second guess everything I did, said, and every choice I made as a young adult. It caused me to be paralyzed with fear. I had no confidence. If this is normal mines was twice as bad. Even after choices were made I worried that I was wrong, I didn’t know what I was doing, there you go again…not getting it right. I was surprised when things worked out. An even then, I was not sure that things would be okay.

Many things contributed to my bouts of depression and need to want to escape this world by suicide. I know this was one of them. I equated a wrong choice in anything I did as a reflection of how I could never and would never get it right. Even the simplest things. I was beyond self conscious and not just in the way I look, but in the work I did. Even now I have to say “Hey, it’s good enough. You did your best.” I also had to learn to not do what was did to me to others and when I had my daughter, I vowed to not utilize that aspect of my parent. I did take all of the good from that parent, which was a lot, and use it.

I believe there are many reasons a parent does this. I think we expect parents to be perfect or to know better, but the truth is they are not perfect and they do not know “how to” always do better. Hurting people hurt other people. When we are children we don’t know or think about the fact our parents have lived some type of life before us and has experienced some type of childhood…both of these things either good, bad, or traumatic. These things have an effect on the parent as a child, as an adult, and as your parent. Many hurt parents have know idea of the psychological effects of their behavior on their children and we grow up to think many of the things we experienced were normal and acceptable until we meet other children and other adults. If you can’t recognize the signs of your behavior as detrimental to the shaping of the child, then you as the parent continue to do what you do. The generation before me were not privy to psychology or child psychology. They were too busy trying to make a living. The way they dealt with things were to not talk about them. But, guess what? Buried feelings and events of our lives are still alive if they are not dead. However, we as the children who grew up in some sort of tainted or warped environment, now have the privilege of that knowledge that we may be better parents and better human beings. We also have the work of healing ourselves from these scars.

I am now realizing that I survived by learning through trial and error, my commitment to not repeat those mistakes by taking different actions, some education about parenting, my relationship with God, the wisdom of the Spirit, other wise souls, and yes, therapy. I survived by accepting the relationship I have with that parent, sometimes calling them on their behavior and holding them accountable, and other times letting it go. I survived by releasing my anger and hurt. I survived with knowledge of the effects of trauma on people who never admit or talk about what’s really going on, but instead choose to respond with some outward action or to remain silent and bottled up.

However, for this leg of my journey at 42, I am here to be liberated this year and to be legendary in my doings. I need to THRIVE and not just survive. I thrive by forgiving and by forgiving I am free (liberated). I thrive by realizing that parent may never seek counseling, deliverance, or healing, but my choice to not feed into it or to have some compassion for the hurt child inside that parent, is liberating my emotions to choose happiness even if they are miserable. And all of that is a legendary step for my soul’s journey.

~Nikki

 

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Human Mother to Robin Mother: Nature vs Nature

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This week I battled a robin that wanted to build her nest on the rafters of my carport. When I first saw the formation of the nest, I knew it had to come down before it was complete. So, the maintenance guy got it down. The reason that it could not be built there is because if the bird lays eggs it’s illegal to remove the nest and if it builds it where I park my car my daughter and I would be in danger of an attack from a bird protecting her young. And I guess you can say, I was protecting my young as well. It was sort of a woman to bird, mother to mother, type of situation.

Within an hour she was back building again. I was back to stop her. This went on for hours. The night came and when I woke up the next morning…she had started again. We went at it for about an hour and a half. I realized as my arms begin to hurt and my shoulder swelled, I couldn’t keep doing this but, I couldn’t let her build there. Also, the stress elevated my blood pressure. At physical therapy, the PT said “Hey I had that happen to me. I read up on it just like you and I put a plastic owl where the bird wanted to build and it never came back.” So, I thought about the creepy owl I bought for winter decor and when I got home I put it in the rafters. Since Friday, I have not seen the bird. I pray she has found somewhere to build and lay her eggs. I am assured by the wisdom of Matthew in the Bible: Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them…”

When it comes to problems in our lives, whether it be an illness that turns your life upside down or financial choices, a work situation or a life situation, somewhere in the daunting task of persistence there is a solution. There is a happy medium. There is a method to the madness. And as I trudge through one of the most difficult times of my life, if God takes care of the birds of the air, feeds them and clothes the flowers of the field…how much more will he take care of us? Our angels sends advice, we look up a solution, we try different things, we realize what is not working and soon the solution surfaces. The outcome may not always be what we want at the time, a temporary solution until the a permanent one arises.

~Nikki