Let me guess. You’re a woman that has been single for a while and all this time you have been diligently working on yourself. You finally find a guy or the guy finally finds you and surprisingly you two are compatible. However, as time seems to go one you realize several things about him that you don’t particularly care for and some of them may be major (and perhaps he has done the same). However, you carefully decide if you want to “deal” with them and see if you two can work out the kinks. Great.
But, in the process you began to realize that with all the work you have done on yourself, some of the old you is still there. Triggers. Also, you now see that you have work to do on yourself as well. Two things will keep sink or float a relationship like this: A person that is not willing to work together to improve the relationship and a person you are so unequally (yoked) out of balanced with it would be better to preserve the woman you have become than to deal with the turmoil ahead. This person has not even began to THINK about doing the work on themselves, growing, or changing. Depending on your age and tolerance, dealing with a person like that can bring you down.
I thought I would meet someone on my level in EVERY way. I thought it would be easy. I am learning that even if you are compatible 90% the 10%, if major can keep you out of harmony. I am learning that I share some of the 10%. (Or whatever percentage it may be. I am just throwing out numbers.) I don’t know if it’s going to last, but I intend to do the work to find out. We often see these “power” couples and think they are so happy. We often see these Facebook couples and they are only posting the good and not the bad (I mean it’s their business and we would probably have something to say about that, too). In the meantime, I will keep praying my way through like I have been doing and letting things unfold naturally.
Awhile: Sure I went to Paris and I have boatloads of photos to share! But, I have been going through some things, you know life stuff (matters of the heart) and I have not “made” time to write.
Here’s the whirlwind, I took a huge risk in the relationship department. HUGE. GIGANTIC. UNCONVENTIONAL. NONTRADITIONAL. Walking on a tightrope over the Seine river with no safety net and I don’t know how to swim. I don’t wish I could say more because when you’re not sure what the hell is going to happen you keep your mouth closed and keep praying.
IF this is the real deal, I can tell you that it’s not wrapped neatly in the pretty paper from Tiffany’s I thought it would be wrapped in. IF it’s not the real deal, HELL of a lot HEALING will be going on.
As I muddle through life and navigate this single life aspect, I often forget about some of the fears that once tormented me in relationships. Well, I think this may happen to those of us who have been single for a while. It may also be the reason while some can’t find a mate and the same reasons some don’t want to be in a relationship ever again.
As I drifted in and out of sleep last night, a funny thing happened. I started to think about after the dating phase and the possibility of a relationship, the things I may have to deal with again. What if the guy is a flirt or has numerous female friends and associates? I thought to myself, “Nah, I don’t want to do that again.” Shutters. I think of the drama and trauma and accusations that circle around “What’s the problem with him having so many female friends or being a flirt?” “Are you insecure? You must be.” Well, I have dealt with all of the reasons I feel the way I feel about dating a big flirt and a man that has a boatload of women as associates. I can sum it up as saying, it’s not my cup of tea. After years of dealing and healing with the underline causes, and some of it is common sense and personal preferences, it came up last night. I thought I was done being concerned with that.
Well, the more I mulled it over in the day time, I realized, there is nothing to be concerned about because I don’t have to accept a big flirt or a guy with numerous women as friends and associates with behavior that makes me uncomfortable. Right. I have a choice. And one reason I remain single is because I know what things I can deal with and what things I cannot. I can no longer be coaxed, manipulated, talked into things I know just don’t work for me. And after all, is this not what the dating phase should reveal? And it shouldn’t take long into the relationship to discover if you’ve been bamboozled. No, not at my age. False alarm. I was worried about nothing.
I think it’s normal to have these things, whatever your things are, to come up from time to time when considering getting into the dating game. I think it’s important to be rational and to address any issues you may not have fully dealt with or just the ones that resurface.
What the hell was I thinking going out there in the cesspool of the dating pool? AGAIN. I can’t swim. I should have just stayed on the edge of the pool dangling my feet in the water and heck, even they can be bait for sharks! Exhale.
Where is my towel? I dry myself off from inconsistency, a pattern of disappearing on the weekends, excuses, and an emotional attachment to an ex. Yuck! I need a shower. “Someone call a bus!” (Random. I’ve been watching a Blue Bloods marathon 😀 )
When you have been dating as long as I have you either are going to cycle in the same mistakes or mature and spiral up and out. You are either going to recognize what’s going on and ignore it or find power in the choice to see it and leave it. Yes. Have patience and “see” and then once you see it, believe it, and leave it. Now, back to my shower. I need to shower in silence and distance. I need to cleanse my psyche of that person being a possibility for now or forever. It just depends. I am open, but I don’t stay open to foolishness or a person that is not ready for dating seriously. And that does not make them a bad person (well the one that is not ready and has issues to resolve), it just makes them not a good match for me. It doesn’t make me perfect and without issues, it just makes me unwilling to put myself through the drama and trauma. Let’s face it. I’ve had enough at 43. I should know what I can handle and what I can’t.
Thanks Journal. You always listen without judging me!
The Single Confetti Life Continues
The obvious choice is to be single but, if we are to be honest with ourselves we often prolong the inevitable way past a relationship’s expiration date or we delay ending dating/involvement with a person when alarming signs are glaringly red. Why? Is it fear? Is it that some of us are just as miserable alone with ourselves as we are in a relationship (whatever kind of situation-ship you have)? Is it that we are afraid to speak up or afraid to hurt/disappoint the other person? Ourselves? As in, we thought we had it right this time or we could handle it this time? I think all of those are reasons why and I am certain there are many more.
As you may or may not know, I like being as honest as possible about these things because I believe the only way to heal and connect to others is to be honest, not perfect. I was miserable alone at some point in my life as much as I was miserable in relationships because I had NOT understood what it was truly like to love myself and to know myself. I can tell you another time (or just read some of my blogs) about those journeys to get there. However, I have reached a point where being single is not misery but, it does have lonely times. And yet, I stutter, pause, waiver, my anxiety increases, on just when and where to say, “Hey, this is not working for me.” After thoroughly ruling out bull “stuff” reasons I finally arrived at the root of why I lose my nerve and voice with ending this potential fiasco: I don’t want to be the WEAK ONE and I don’t want to be WRONG.
It has nothing to do with being single but, everything to do with admitting to myself and Spirit all along that I was wrong…AGAIN. I KNEW I should have steered clear. And to the other person that seems to be handling our involvement so well, I don’t want to end such a seemingly good thing as being the weak one that couldn’t handle her “feelings.” This is when I realize I have more work to do. What’s wrong with having feelings? NOTHING. However, given the friends and associates I have had in my circle they have made me feel, along with past relationships that having feelings or not being able to handle MISTREATMENT or EMOTIONS was a WEAK thing. Yes, society, relationships, religion and friendships have done a number on us all. Including you. We associate how much you can take of mistreatment with how much you love a person and how STRONG you are. LIES. And I think from the abuser of emotions they tend to think “She or he must really love me because I am doing all of this stuff and they are still there! I guess someday I will stop to show them just how much I love them, too.” Twisted thinking.
So, as I put my BIG GIRL PANTIES on and say, “Hey, I think we should just be cool. This is not working for me” and watch him sail on to the next “all willy nilly” and carefree, I will also be carefree and “all willy nilly” in my emotions again. It’s better than being ignored, dealing with inconsistency, and immaturity in this case.
Being Single is a status, becoming WHOLE is the part that requires WORK. But, the benefits of being whole allows you to SET FOLKS FREE & SET YOURSELF FREE without so much drama & trauma. Sometimes it hurts and sometimes it’s a “gtfoh” epitome. -Nicole D. Jackson
I was 30 years old when I made the statement, “My peace of mind means everything to me” and it was after a terrible relationship but, it would take another 8 years, a process before I would be able to truly mean it.