In 2025 I FINALLY mastered dealing with a person I love who is wishy washy, flaky, unstable in their relationship with me. One minute they are close, the next minute they are distant. How did I master this? It has been a process over the years. Let me be clear and let me tell you this, you can’t get rid of everyone you have issues with. You can’t cut them off. I mean you can but, you need to be certain it’s worth the cut off notice you’re serving. You must be certain that you want nothing else to do with the person and you need to be wise enough to know if what they are doing, if who they are warrants a cut off, a distance, a change in how you deal with them or acceptance. Maybe, even a combination: “I love you. I accept you as my cousin but, we can’t hang out anymore because you always put me down in front of others. When we are alone, you are a different person. You are much nicer to me.” Deciding to cut someone off requires critical thinking. Which is heavily lacking in the world today!

Cutting someone off because they are not perfect or they didn’t raise you the way you wanted or needed to be raised isn’t smart. If they weren’t the parent you needed consider this, they too, like you, had parents that weren’t healed either. They were in their 20s and 30s not their 50s and 60s. They know more or better now or at least they should. I am not talking about abuse. I am talking about things that can be forgiven, worked out, talked out, or moved on from if they are willing and if you are willing. Some of the people cutting off others aren’t willing to talk it out or seek counseling. Issue some grace and mercy because I guarantee you somewhere in your life, you missed the mark. Inhale here. Hold for a count of 4. Exhale. Once again, we aren’t talking domestic violence, heavy or consistant verbal and emotional abuse, narcissists, sociopaths, etc.

I started accepting that this is how the person is and what we once had will 99% never be what it was. And I no longer live in the 1% of chance. If it happens, thank God. If it doesn’t, thank God, so be it. This took time! I wrestled with that thing. Getting disappointed, let down, hurt, over and over. It’s not me. It’s them. (I USED TO THINK EVERYTHING WAS MY FAULT. Because of how I grew up, it was. Sorry family if that embarrasses you. Don’t take it personally. People need to know they are not alone.).

So, I came to the realization years decades ago everything isn’t my fault. I can’t fix everyone and everything. Things happen outside of me and my control. I’m as rehabilitated fixer and an aware empath. I had learned that trying to fix things for everyone or everything is a defense mechanism, a control mechanism to make myself feel safe and to make others happy or ok. Because we want everything to be OK so we can be OK. (Again, learned in home environments that typically made one person happy so the rest of us could survive or have some peace.) Especially, those that have that happy wife, happy life thing going. It can translate into happy mom, happy life. Which means the father and the children can suffer to an extent. What about a happy home, home happy life? The father matters. The children matter, too. Anyways…that’s psychology and truth (in my opinion).

Before Mel Robinson, I have, we have, been allowing people to be and let them go. (NO SHADE to her. I love her and the book really is written where everyone can “get it”.) We have “let them and let us”. And I decided to let this person be and remain in my life. If the good outweighs the not so good. If it’s a personality trait or conflict that sometimes bumps into mine I can let this person “be”. If the are in a relationship, situation they are choosing, I can let them remain in my life. I mean everyone can’t be just like me or like you or how we want them to be!!!! So, I don’t cut off or distance without deep thought. (Not anymore).

I consider how much of what they are doing is bothering me and how much of it I am allowing to bother me. Does it go against my values and morals to the extent it affects my life? And if so,insert boundaries and consequences. And if it is toxic and taints my spirit, spills into my family life, then this is deserving of a cut off notice. Does it cause me mental and emotional distress? Physical? Then they are out of here.

Also, the type of relationship it is matters, too. Family as in sibling, mother, father, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Some people believe you should accept anything and any type of behavior from people because they are family, your parents, your elders. I happily do not abide by that concept. Difficult and toxic are two different things. So is difficult and demonic but, that’s another topic. Plus, we all have different levels of tolerance. We all define for ourselves what is disrespectful and what we are going to do about it.

Here is the gist: I looked at this person and what they have going on in their life. I looked at the fact I know they sometimes isolate themselves from everyone except for a few chosen people. I am not one of the chosen ones anymore and I know it’s because I grew up. They envy my freedom. I know it. I see it. I feel it. It’s sad. But, it is what it is. However, at times there is thoughtfulness, love and concern shown by the individual. I can allow them to come in and out now, without it affecting me so much. I stopped wishing it could be the way it was and accepted this person can’t give me the relationship I would like to have with them. (We aren’t talking about a romantic relationship here. That is something totally different and different types of relationships require different logic, rationale, explanation). I allow this in and out because I know underneath all of that pile of baggage and garbage is a person I still love and care about. I get to see glimpses of them from time to time. And they, too, are on a journey and I hope, pray they get healed and delivered.

~Nikki

THANKS FOR COMING TO MY TEDESSAY 🙂