The Nerve! Responding To Triggers

A person you have issues with comes into the room and you suddenly feel anxious or angry. You’re are on defense. Someone says something similar to what your ex says and you become suspicious. A stranger tries to get to know and you automatically think, “What do they want from me?” You are on your way to work but, you have a feeling of dread the entire drive to work because once again you will have to face an unpleasant environment. All of these examples and more are triggers. I know the word is overused but, these are the buttons we have that are pressed and it seems as if we respond (buzz) immediately. I once heard in a lecture that we needed to remove that button. But, I learned that removing buttons wasn’t easy and most buttons seem to be integrated with a response I had trouble removing. The idea of removing buttons or triggers to me seemed impossible. Until, I read books about changing, went to therapy, and continue to do my own research from CREDIBLE SOURCES, I learned that what needed to happen if I couldn’t remove the button or doorbell, let’s say. I could cut the wires and leave it there or I could rewire it with a different response.

The nervous system, in the case of triggers, has been trained to respond to whatever traumatized you or whatever made you not feel safe or good and sends a message “this is threat.” A threat? Yes. Even if it’s a situation or a scene from life that made you feel small or inferior, your brain says, “Uh oh! They yelled at you and remember when your parents yelled at you or were yelling at each other, you hid. You became afraid. You felt sad. You felt powerless. You couldn’t speak up because things will get worse.” And your response to the person yelling at you whether they are in authority or not is to shut down. Avoid the threat. Avoid the confrontation. Or maybe, you yell back at them. And now things escalate.

I started to look at triggers as invitations to OBSERVE myself and what is happening in the present and what I am feeling at that moment. Let me tell you, this is NOT EASY. It’s not supposed to be easy. You will fail many times. It’s okay. Frame failure in this area as training. Anytime you try to rewire your thoughts and behaviour you will be met with resistance and uncomfortableness from your nervous system. You see, the neuropaths are paths created that have been traveled many times by your responses and reactions, thoughts and emotions for years. Even existing from our primitive years as a society/tribe. Survival in the world has always and always will be a dominant thing in society. Are we not trying to survive right now?

Think about it. If you were taught you were not important or mattered, even if it was projected by society, it has been said or implied for YEARS, DECADES. I get angry, I go off. I get angry, I shut down. I get angry, I cry. I get angry, I fight. I get angry, I get mean. Think about being any of these ways for 20, 40, 60 years! That path, that button is wired to respond to the threat of disrespect, losing control or retaliation has a worn in route straight to one of these responses. It took time to create this response and you guessed it; it’s going to take time for you to change it because a new path has to be forged. And that happens over time.

Yes, you can forge a new path but you are going to need patience, practice, and most of all learning to pause before you speak or respond. You will need to created a habit of responding instead of reacting. You must began to think critically (quickly at times) about what you are going to do next. And after you fail you must ask yourself, what went wrong? What do I need to next time? How was I feeling and what did this make me think about?

I will leave you with two things, one, this example. A male next technician got really ugly with my daughter who was about 20 years old at the time. She tried to explain to him that her nails weren’t looking like the picture she showed him. He became irate and immediately the female technicians ran to the table and shewed him away. They began to apologize and began to assure my daughter they could fix it. I was sitting at the table next to my daughter.

I knew we would never go back there. I also knew he was an asshole because of the times I visited the shop. But never knew he was like “that”. My daughter asked me, “Mom, why didn’t you say anything?!” I told her because I was not thinking about saying anything. I was thinking about doing something and I had to talk myself out of not doing what I was thinking about doing because I knew the police would be called. And I thought about how that would turned out for me, for you, for my family and the community I serve. So, I told myself we will simply never, ever, return to that shop. I was so angry I wanted to DO something.” It was one of my hardest moments or tests. It takes an incredible amount of self control to control yourself in heated moments. Triggering moments. As a child, I had always had a bad temper. I truly had to learn to control myself, my temper, my reactions or it could have cost me my life and freedom. But I also had to figure out ways to respond and when not to respond.

Lastly, you will need to give yourself much grace, mercy, and forgiveness as you navigate changing how you react to buttons being pushed in your life.

~Nikki