Sunday Morning Coffee Musings:Looking Forward Before Moving Forward

My musing for the last three days has been how to move forward without without feeling dismayed. In Sunday Morning Coffee Musings, I share my thoughts about what I have been mulling over so to speak. I mentioned how I am a little timid after last year and the year before. I am not sure this trial I have endured is over. What if I hope and then I am dashed in the face with the acid of more stress and pressure outside of my control? What if the drama and trauma is waiting for me around the corner to jump me like the bullies after school? What if life is waiting until I am walking down the street and greets me like the mobsters and gangsters and gives the kiss of death? (I am laughing a little here).

But really, what is it’s not over and what if things get worse? These are the thoughts that pop up in my mind and sometimes roam. This is traumatization. And this is damage to the nervous system which affects our digestive system as well. Did you know that? I literally learned this last night while watching a YouTube video that stress, trauma, the things we carry around has an affect on our digestive system if we are eating while we are stressed. Something to think about like why it’s important to alleviate stress, worry, anxiety, depression, etc. I guess this like the book, The Body Keeps Score, which I plan on reading this year. I am living on high alert and hyper-awareness/vigilance which is like living on caffeine 24/7. Everytime my phone rings I think something is wrong. Especially, when I see family members calling. I am constantly trying to prevent problems that have not occured. Because, I don’t want to be caught off guard. How many of you know that isn’t being prepared when you are obsessed with trying to prevent and predict bad things?

Well, one way I have decided to move forward is to look forward for a little while. You know, visualize what I want to be different about my life. I do have to look back to analyze and for data but, I can’t stay in the past. I can’t pitch a tent there. So, thinking about what really disturbed my peace, rattled my chains. What got me so wound up? What would I like to do different? See myself doing it. How would l like to respond? See myself doing it. You know those kind of things. I feel safe visualizing and imagining it. I don’t feel safe when I think about having HOPE about it, making plans, smiling, and being optimistic.

I know most Christians would have a fit about me saying I don’t have HOPE about it. But many will also, if not Christian, simply human beings will understand how one can run out of hope. And if you have ran out of hope, how did you move forward? I can tell you I and others have move forward in a different ways. One, putting it behind me. Two, carrying the hurt, pain, and taking one step at a time. One day at a time. One moment at a time. And sometimes hurting others while carrying that trauma or pain. I have moved forward numb. Going through the motions. In fact, that is what happened to me in November up until now. Numb. Detached. Feeling outside of my self. Distant. It’s why I couldn’t feel much during my favorite holiday.

But this time, I am too weary to carry anything. I am too damaged to put one foot in front of the other and it doesn’t serve me to put it all behind me because I need to be repaired. I need space to recover some. And maybe, things have changed in a way I can’t accept yet or don’t know how to handle, yet. So, all of that is too much for me to process or sort out right now. I have decided to simply imagine a better year.

~Nikki