I have been on vacation. I went on a cruise to Nassau, Half Moon Cay, and Grand Turks, Bahamas. After all I have dealt with over the past year and a half, I needed a real vacation and this was real to me. I went with the attitude of rest, first and foremost. Family and fun was second with no guilt. I was happy to spend time with family and we had loads of fun but, I needed to rest. I needed to have long periods of do nothing but read, sleep, eat and stare into space. I realize the first day and night how much my mind and body was in a heightened, tense, survival mode when I could not relax that evening and could not sleep the first night after taking a melatonin. I was still in people need me mode. I was still in gotta stay ready, prepared, gotta press on. The rest I was giving myself at home was keeping me alive and well. But it was not replenishing me enough. And since I have been back, I can see I am still on edge and easily annoyed. I can see me slipping into bitterness.

I thought on this vacation God was going to give me some great reveal. You know, some deep revelations. But nope. Nada. I kept waiting and listening. I was prepared to write what I would hear but, nothing came to me. So, I just kept enjoying my family, fun, resting, eating, sleeping, reading a non-spiritual book (which I read 24 of 46 chapters in 8 hours on the deck) and staring, people watching, daydreaming.

It dawned on me that one of the messages was to disconnect from the situation that was driving me insane (mental) and let my body unwind itself (because the body keeps score) for health reasons. Just be where you are without expecting anything. You don’t need to do anything. You don’t need to stop doing what you are doing to do something for someone else.

And to be on a ship, not accessible to the people in my situation back at home meant I had to fully trust God to take care of everything. I am not God. I am not God and I know many of us don’t think we are God. We may think we are gods and goddesses but, no so much GOD. But it showed me where I was trying to control everything! And I did not know it! I did not see it! But before I left I heard a preacher say, “God will give you the strength to do your job but not his job.” Uh, yeah. I was trying to do control everything but not everyone. I knew I could not control everyone. This vacation was like a step or two back and I could really “see me” with my hair on fire running around trying to do, fix, control everything.

Also, on this cruise, when I wanted to do something, I did it. When I did not, I did not. I didn’t force myself to stay somewhere longer than I wanted to be there. I didn’t try too hard to get others to meet up or do this or that in the name of family time. Here’s the invitation I also receive and it’s up to you what you do with it. No pressure. No questions. This has showed up in the last few days of arriving back home. I said, NO to calling someone when the person asking me to call could call themselves. I said NO to coming back after my day was interrupted without thought or care.

I see now how I need to work on creating extreme boundaries with consequences. I need to say no and ask others to do something and to do more. I see how I need to protect my dreams, hopes, plans, visions and goals fiercely. Double down. I, too, get to travel. I, too, get to float around town to different events, places and spaces without thought of who’s going to do this or that if I am not there. I, too, get to have freedom to just be in my home doing nothing and everything.

Yep. I, too.

I’ll share more of the whispers this week.

Love, Nikki ~