Brain Fog Leads to Cloudy with No Chance of Meatballs

I don’t know what happened last night (Sunday night) but, I was ready for a good night’s sleep. Instead I woke up through the night tossing and turning. In the early hours of the morning I had a strange dream and then I felt pain in my right shoulder down the shoulder blade and in the bicep area. The usual suspect. It was too early in the morning for pain medication because I had things on my To-Do-List and I did not want to oversleep.

When I did wake up, it took me about an hour and a half to get out of the bed. I felt heavy and groggy. I put one foot on the floor, then the other pain shot through my back. And just like that it was gone. I got coffee on, some breakfast on the stove and in the oven. I sat down at the computer to read some emails and I realized that I had no idea what I was reading. I decided to do some other business and it was becoming increasingly difficult to comprehend each sentence. I knew then it was brain fog. This is something I was determined to do today, needed to do and it took me forever to understand what I was doing. Also, reading instructions over and over. This is brain fog. It is mentally exhausting. Draining before you can get on with a productive day. Especially, it involves reading of any kind, comprehension of any information, even if you are just reading for pleasure it’s like, “What did I just read?” It’s not longer pleasure, but a pain in the butt.

My head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and my thoughts were trying to get through. I thought I could feel my brain trying to connect the dots and that translates to even conversations seeming difficult. I can hear my self pausing so many damn times I feel and sound stupid. Of course, I know I am not.

“How can I savage this day? How can make the most out of it?” I asked myself. I thought about something Iyanla Vanzant has being saying lately during this pandemic and quarantine, “Instead of fear, why not possibilities?” So, I said to myself, instead of agitation about what I can not do, instead of frustrating the hell of myself with all f the reading, typing, thinking, talking, etc of the day I had planned, why not see what else I can do that does not involve deep concentration. I slather pain cream on my arm to dull the pain. I decide to tidy up my work space,

I finish tidying up my room. I worked on a crochet project. I was able to take care of some other financial business as the evening came around and my mind seem to work better. I got plenty of water down to help. I also did yoga and meditation to help. This is many of our lives with Rheumatoid Arthritis disease (not Arthritis) and Fibromyalgia. We call it RA fog or Fibro fog. Yesterday, I think BOTH were at work. I finally gave in to pain meds tonight. I need a better tomorrow.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Off the Grid

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I’ve been wanting to get away from here, the city, alone, or at some retreat long before the world was hit with this pandemic. I didn’t want a vacation, but a restoration. Peace and quiet. When all of this is over, I am not going to drag my feet. I am going to find a place to go, to restore, to transform. I feel like I have been gathering supplies for the past five years. I have been shifting and changing. I feel as if I have been living a double life at times. One foot in tradition and the other foot in spirituality.

I am ready to fully devote my time to spirituality, the deeper things of the Creator. Here I am free, and a matriarch of the family keeps pulling on my robe. I am irritated by it. So, I have decided to finish out April and be done with it. I am also, serving a notice to a blog I managed in the past. I don’t want to do that anymore and I will not have time for it.

One of the things 2020 has done for me is forced me to open my eyes and ears. And in this stillness I move, breathe, and have my being.

~Nikki

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A2Z: Meditation: Self Empowerment, My Personal Journey

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I can’t express to you the power of meditation. There is a saying in my generation, “Get your mind right!”, but I am sure this meant something else in the beginning (lol). And in the church there is a saying that God is a “mind regulator.” What can you do without your mind? Nothing. If your mind is cluttered, filled with memories or trauma, an ongoing to do list, thoughts that provoke anxiety and depression, and if you can’t sit still, you need more than just prayer. You need meditation.

Meditation and Guided Meditation sessions are ways to empower you to regulate and control your mind. Every action, feeling, and word is formed in your mind before it ever shows up in your life. Something happens, you think about it, you feel, and you react or respond. When you begin to meditate you monitor the things that pop up in your mind, you learn to “take captivity of each thought” (found in the Bible 2 Corinthians 10:5), and you decide what to do with that thought. You decide to let it pass and redirect your thoughts to the present moment. One powerful quote or concept I recently learned is “You are not your thoughts, you are the observer of your thoughts.” – Eckhart Tolle

Meditation is powerful because you can “So as a man thinketh, meditates on, so is he. So he or she becomes or will have.” Meditation can help you manifest dreams and goals. Meditation can help you to rise about your lower thoughts and to “think  on these things.” Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things. -Philippians 4:8- The Scrolls aka the Bible. When you think on these things life is empowered and so are you!

~Nikki

Get On With It

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Pray, Meditate, Coffee-nate. Yes, emotions are temporary BUT at that moment you’re feeling every bit of whatever you’re feeling. You’re struggling to overcome them means YOU’RE FIGHTING, PUSHING, PRESSING and sometimes you just have to float because you’re tired. Float or Fight but once you get through, put your big girl panties on or your big boy boxers, Hell, go commando and get back to work, life, love, living. Trust, I fought yesterday and I’m floating today. I’m working as well. These dreams are not going to come true on their own.

~Nikki

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: A Forced Smile

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Yesterday I enjoyed a beautiful wedding ceremony of my nephew and his girlfriend officiated by his father (my brother). Everything was simply was beautiful. I love short and sweet ceremonies and that is exactly what it was. However, as my heart was happy to be there, something occurred the 15-20 minute ride that changed my mood completely. Even though I fought to keep my mood high all the way to the bitter end, the bitter person won that round. I had to sit in the car to get myself together and force a smile.

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I looked at the selfie I took and thought about a forced smile. There I am decked in costume jewelry, fabulous sparkly heels, and a fur trimmed wrapped and reeling with anger at the person sitting a few seats down that acts as if they have done nothing wrong. As the ceremony proceeded I was happy to see my nephews come down the aisle and to see many of my family members I don’t get to see often. For those few moments of socializing, my mood and heart was lifted. But then it was time to get back in the car with the person and their behavior persisted. When they said they wanted to go out for dinner, my heart sank. I would have to spend more time with craziness. I sat there the whole time trying to remain silent or indulge in small talk with others at the table. I tried to laugh with others.

When I finally did drop off the person, I thought I may find some peace. But no, another person in the car continued the criticism and we had words. For the first time since a time I can’t even remember, I had to go for a ride in my car alone. This for me means I reached my limit in composure and before I do or say anything I regret, I need distance. I need to get in my car and say everything that I REALLY wish I could say, but if I did it would DAMAGE the person in such a way it may not be reparable. In my car ride, I can say what I truly want to say and say what I truly want to do. In the car ride, there is no judgement. There are no interruptions or no one telling me what “Thus said the Lord” except the Lord and the Lord (God, The Creator, The Divine ) is just there being a sounding board. Allowing me to “get it all out, let it all out” profanity included. There is no ZEN, no YOGA, no MEDITATION, no 10 deep breaths needed. There is the beating of the steering wheel, the tossing of a sweater, the throwing of a purse (in which I will have to pick up the contents later). Yes, the DO GOODER, the GOODY TWO SHOES. the PREACHER’S DAUGHTER (titles in which people assign to you with obligations, morals, and rules they make up basically assigning you to perfection) is a real human being just like you. Yes, she has anger issues that she has mastered on many levels but also reaches a boiling point. She also believe that anger should be acknowledge and all that comes with it. It should be understood as perfectly normal and not to be stuffed down into the fibers of your being.

I don’t like it when I have to force a smile. I don’t always like it when I have to restrain myself. But in the course of the night, in my bed, searching that app for a meditation or talk that would help me to settle down, I discovered a talk that should be a TEDTALK about anger. It blew my mind! And I have decided to do a series of blogs on it. Can’t wait to share.

~Nikki