Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Sudden Shift

I am confused. At least, that is what I said. But after some reflection and insight, I am disoriented. Friday night I was preparing for a vendor event. I canceled. I’d been preparing for almost two weeks but, I was also in the midst of grief, Easter, my parents, my illnesses, and I could see it was really stretching me but, I thought I could manage. Somewhere in the midst of all of this I could feel the off and on, the waning of my interests in going to the event. I stayed up late one night and again, I stayed up to 2 am working on items. I thought I would be okay. I was wrong. The thing is I had 3 opportunities to back out. I should have stayed out.

I lost my vendor’s fee. I lost the potential to make a little extra money which I believed I needed. What was wrong with me? My body just didn’t want to go. It seemed like such a hassle, more than usual to get there. I started to beat myself up and then I said, “No. No. I will not beat myself up for making a decision to rest my body. Something is wrong here. Something doesn’t feel right in my spirit and I don’t know what it is but, something is like, “Don’t go.” Stop feeling like you have let the entire world down. Listen to your gut, intuition, spirit. Listen.” I still felt guilt as I went to bed but, I kept talking to myself, telling myself I was doing the right thing FOR ME.

It’s hard when you are a woman of your word to change your plans. I even feel guilty when there is a legitimate reason out of my control and I can’t make something. I felt so guilty when I first became ill because I couldn’t make it to all of the events or if I ad to cancel last minute and some people, family and friends, just didn’t “get it”. But, when your body is saying don’t do this to me and your spirit feels dry or heavy or murky, it is a legitimate reason! It is! I give so much grace to others and I don’t think I get it in return. And in many ways, now, I am okay with it.

I am disoriented because so much, so much has been happening since December of 2024-April of 2025. And I thought I was carving out some rest in the second half of March up until now. I thought I would recover sooner but, as my daughter brought this to my attention, “Mom, you have been going for almost 3 months. Maybe 4 days and 3 nights out of town wasn’t enough. Maybe a few days here and there is not enough for 3, 4 months of drama and trauma.” Maybe not. But I want it to be. I want to hurry up and be okay. I have always been this way. Hurry up and get over it. Hurry up and heal. And I know that is not how things work in life the majority of the time.

I’ve got this new diagnosis, myositis and all last year I kept saying, “Something is wrong. Something is off. I just have an “unwell” feeling. I have more fatigue than usual.” And yes, most of it was my parents and their drama. But some of it was me, too. Earlier this year my butt muscles, gluteus maximus, back thigh muscles started feeling like I had overworked them. But I hadn’t. And my fingers above the knuckle would be tender to touch and sometimes red spots. Recently, before I got the diagnosis, there was a red spot on my ring figure. I thought something had bit me. But this red spot stayed for weeks. I still don’t understand the diagnosis completely. Adding this to rheumatoid arthritis disease, fibromyalgia and other things is like “what the hell?” It is hell. But, I am not intimidated. I am just a bit tired of fighting.

Well, the sudden shift of my interests, attention, role as caregiver, the back and forth wave of what I want and what I am supposed to be doing has me feeling disoriented because things in my life don’t look the same or how I expected them to look right now. But neither does a block of wood or stone when the sculptor is carving out what it will be. Am I the sculptor or is the Creator the sole sculptor? Are we working together or not?

~Nikki