I had a dream that I was on a beach and my youngest brother was with me. We were not as old as we are now. Maybe in our late teens or early 20’s. We were running as if we were racing. I was ahead and suddenly as we ran up this sand ramp being held up by a brick wall, a huge tidal wave came up but it was not coming up from the ocean in front of us, it was coming up from behind us! As it crashed on top of us, I yelled hold on to the wall! Dig in deep! The wave came. I looked back and saw my brother. We ran again trying to beat the next one. As I dropped to hold on to the wall I saw a crack in it. I told him to hold on and dig in deep. When the wave came over, I looked back but I did not see my brother. I ran up the sand and as I was looking for him another tidal wave came and knocked me down. I cannot swim and I just tried to push my hands and arm into the sand. I woke up and my heart was beating fast.

I felt fear. I felt worry. I felt confused. I was upset because I had prayed to have sweet sleep and pleasant dreams but there was nothing pleasant about this dream. I started thinking where was my brother? Literally and figuratively. He was out of town and traveling home this morning. I started to pray for his safety. But later I realized I needed to pray for his mind, too.

I love the beach. The sand and waves ease my soul, heart, mind, spirit. The environment speaks to me. But I know that a tidal wave is not peaceful. I know that tidal waves after tidal waves can be destructive. Deadly. I didn’t automatically know this had something to do with being overwhelmed. Maybe we have been running from something since our teens. Maybe it’s something past and present. All I know is the underlying current is no more and there are tidal waves. I was so distressed this morning trying to remember if I saw my brother in the dream before I woke up that my morning was filled with complex feelings. Sadness. Concern. Hope because he can swim and I cannot. Maybe he fell over the wall and is down there and I just couldn’t see him. Was he hurt? All of these thoughts. When I was in bed I tried to go back to the dream.

There have been many good days and peaceful days lately. I don’t feel overwhelmed. But maybe, in some brewing, festering way, I am. And maybe he is, too. Maybe I am overwhelmed by feeling the weight of being concerned about family. Maybe I feel that I am leading them and will lose them or they will be lost in their own waves. I do not know but, I think I need to budget my mind.

I need to estimate what is coming in and what it is going out. Instead of thinking about the big mental things that come in and out, perhaps I need to look at the small things that are coming in and out. You know, like in real life those Starbucks coffees or fast meals or “treats” add up. And sometimes what is coming in, isn’t enough or not good at all when it comes to our mind. What things have I subscribed to and forgot to unsubscribe from? Mentally? Emotionally? Who do I need to speak with (God, therapy, both) to get a lower interests rate on some of my actions and thoughts? Yes. I need a spreadsheet of my mind. It might be scary at first but knowledge is power.

In the meantime, I am taking an extended yoga session as a luxury today and I have prayed all day long for my mind and my brother’s mind. I thought about the really bad migraine/headache I had a few weeks ago. I felt the oncoming of another yesterday morning and took an Excedrin. I had an MRI coming up next Monday. I know things will turn out for my good. In the meantime, I do my part.

~Nikki

Living is easy with eyes closed. Misunderstanding all you see…-John Lennon (partial quote but just what is need for this post).