It is easier for me to accept that certain people will never change due to the nature of the relationship I have with them. If it is a friendship or relationship that is no longer working, I seem to be able to adjust to it by either dealing with them less or not at all. I can accept some nuances and behavior, flaws, more than I can others. So many dynamics go into that such as are they good people in general or do they have a good heart with good intentions. Other factors are, I don’t spend all day or most days or see them as much as I may see family members that will not change. This is where it gets tricky and complicated for me.

How do you accept that family members you are close to (have to see regularly), or supposed to be close to will never change? I know that you KNOW they will never change but exactly what is the process of accepting it? It’s not as simple as, “Okay. You’re not going to change and I never have to see you again or deal with you again.” At least, it’s not for some of us. And if it is for you, I know it’s difficult but, in a way, on some days, I wish I didn’t have to put up with the nastiness of a particular individual ever again. I don’t have to deal with a gossipy cousin but, I may have to see my sibling several times in a month. This got me to thinking is there a such thing as “the process of acceptance?” You know I had to research it.

“An abstract concept like acceptance can be better understood if we give it shape and definition by breaking it down into smaller parts. We can start by viewing acceptance as a journey, a progression of evolving perspectives and attitudes toward a situation.

Considering the following four phases may be helpful: resistance, resignation, acceptance and embracing.”

–Art Frenz, Ithaca Journal, Four Phases Along the Journey of Acceptance

Oh my! When I read this, it totally made sense to me. I could at least identify where I was in this journey or process. Just knowing someone you love or are close to will not change is not enough to accept it and move on. I realize that I am in the resignation phase. You see I gave up trying to change them last year. This is what “Spirit” or God gave me to do. To just stop it. Stop trying to change them. This didn’t mean letting others do whatever they wanted to do to me or others. This didn’t mean not setting boundaries and handing out the consequences when lines were crossed. This didn’t mean letting them use, verbally or emotionally abuse me. It meant using wisdom and intuition, by trial and error may I add, to know when to ignore and when to address or confront.

Phase 1: Resistance

Because the situation is unpleasant, our initial inclination often is to resist.

Phase 2: Resignation

In the resignation phase, we acknowledge that the circumstance is real and unavoidable, but we aren’t happy about it.

–Art Frenz, Ithaca Journal, Four Phases Along the Journey of Acceptance

If I am being honest about it, I am not happy about it. I am not happy that I will never have the relationship I desired or needed from this person/s. I am sad that they cannot see their destructive and damaging ways. If they do see it, their refusal to really address their issues really bothers me. Why? Why should what they do bother me? I believe it is because if I knew that what I was doing was hurting you, damaging you, I would stop or seek help to stop. But as a good friend said to me when I was very young, “Everybody ain’t you.” In a way, I am mourning that the hope of the idea of having a beautiful, strong, close realtionship with them is dead for now and maybe forever. Patience and grace to myself. I am trying my best to evolve my perspective and attitude about the situation.

Read the entire article here and let it bless (help, don’t get caught up in words) you.

https://www.ithacajournal.com/story/life/2017/08/10/four-phases-along-journey-acceptance/556268001/

~Nikki