AtoZ: Loving Authentic Me. Self Empowerment, My Personal Journey

47488373_10158027929213266_1566775611127496704_n

When I began the journey to excavate my authentic self I thought it would be fun and adventurous to discover who I really was/am. It was. It was also shocking at times. It was like re-introducing myself to a self that I vaguely remembered. I felt disoriented at times. The feeling of shock and disorientation often happened when I admitted to myself the truth about what I thought and felt about things I learned or was taught growing up. It really bothered me at times admitting the truth about how I felt about my religion. It was a going against the grain. It was fear that God would “strike me down” and keep note of all the thoughts and feels I had about some rules, regulations, and doctrine. I was like, “Oh, you really don’t agree with that. You never did like that explanation. Nah, that’s not what that means. No, I don’t believe that.” UH-OH, you’re in big trouble. You’re going to be called a fake Christian.

I had to sit with this uncomfortableness as I made a decision whether to walk in ALL of my AUTHENTICITY, or partially or to hide some parts. Nod my head and go along to get along with the masses. The first thing Spirit gave me was to LEARN TO LOVE this old/new part of me by accepting that it is what it is. It is what I think and what I feel. Right or wrong by others standards, it is what I understand on my spiritual journey. “LOVE ALL OF IT. Get so comfortable with it, when you are called too modern or too out there or FAKE, you’ll be okay with it because you’ll have a peace about it because of your own personal relationship with the CREATOR and yourself.” So, John the Baptist…locust and honey-ish in the wilderness, yet at home. (LOL)

Recently, I read Dr. Martin Luther’s King theory on Jesus and my mind was blown to pieces and put back together again. It wasn’t very “Christian-like” to say the least. But, I loved that he spoke “his” thoughts and theory. I don’t have to agree and I don’t have to call him fake or a non-Christian because he had his own thoughts, ideas, and theories. Even if it did go against the Bible and Scholars.

Loving my authentic self empowers me to keep growing and moving towards my own goals, dreams, and destiny. It gives me POWER to walk my own journey and not to worry too much about yours. Oh, and to stand the criticism. I’ll uninvite myself, thank you very much. I was feeling kinda’ trapped in there anyways…

~Nikki

Both Sides of The Game

IMG_20190227_083811_083-1

There are two sides to every story and sometimes three. Here we have a person struggling to be themselves out of worry if they will be liked or accepted. They wonder if they will lose friends, family, and associates. It’s a risk. It was and is a necessary risk for me. I’d rather be free and happy, but note, it was a process. And still is.

Then we have this other side of the coin or game. The ones that say they love being themselves, have always been comfortable in being themselves, yet they have issues with others being themselves. And I am talking about us being our authentic selves! Not some knock off version or shaped by misery selves. If this is you what’s your problem? Do you want to be yourself? Do you enjoy being yourself? Then why are you so concerned when others that are happy being themselves doesn’t match your way of being yourself? I think it’s ego. I think there is a part of you that is not truly comfortable being you. I think there is a part of them that makes you uncomfortable. Yes? All of these things or one of these things. Maybe even none of these things. It’s up to you to ponder.

As long as others being themselves are not causing harm, hatred, and division then we really need to think about why it bothers us so much and communicate that to ourselves. There are some ways people in my life have of being themselves I question and I know it’s filtered through their experiences and obvious misery. I don’t have to get use to it or like it. It depends on our relationship how to handle it. I can remove myself, put distance in between us, or limit interactions. However, if you think wearing purple hair is okay and I don’t, then I figure that is YOU being YOU. If you are driven and I am laid back, I have no need to make you laid back because I am and you should have no need to make me driven so that it makes you more comfortable with “my” journey.

~Nikki

Prepared To Be Myself

916849c1535c8ba9f2b226a386b4192b

Prepared to be myself and only myself. I have done the ground work in the previous years and now I am building upwards. Who I thought I was, I was not ( I discovered this when I turned 26 and had my daughter. But, that was all I did. A shocking truth, but it would take another 10  plus years to ACT upon that revelation). And that is the case for most of us living in this world. We really believe we are who we are. But, I am here to tell you unless you have taken a real journey within yourself you may be surprised to find out you are not who you think you are. You’re more than likely a product of what you have been taught and what life has shaped you to be. I am not saying all of that is bad, but I am not saying all of it is good either. How about it can be neither bad or good? It just “is”. You can take the journey by force or by choice. And even by force you still have a choice not to examine yourself and the situation. There is much more to you than you know. Much more authentic power. Much more than a body. Much more than a religion or not.

Question your actions, examine your choices in life, and ask what was my part in this situation? If you did that and answered yourself honestly, you may not like who you are  or you may discover something wonderful. It takes work to discover who you really are and for me it took Divine guidance from the one I call God or Creator. I am talking about REAL HARD WORK. UGLY, DIRTY WORK. GROUND BREAKING AND HEART BREAKING WORK. BEAUTIFUL and AWE INSPIRING WORK. HEALING AND REVEALING, REFLECTIVE WORK. STILL WORKING. It takes faith, courage, and strength. It’s why some don’t like me and why others don’t know what to think about me. HA! Prepared to be called not a real Christian by my peers and prepared to be welcomed into a circle by those who “get me.” Michelle Obama said in her book, Becoming, “You have to learn to live with the doubters. The great ones always do.”  (Something like that).

But let’s talk about this pretense. The ability to walk into a room without pretense means you are not pretending to me something or someone you are not. You are the same in the room as you were in your car, on the job, at home. You are not trying to impress anyone by being something or someone that you are not. The best impressions are made by being yourself. If not, you will have to be that other person each time you are around that group and it is exhausting. I’ll never forget the day in recent years I thought I knew someone and was developing a good friendship with them and was shocked to see another side of them once we were in close quarters with another group. I expected the bitchy behavior from the others, but not that one. I was more disappointed and honestly hurt. I got over it. If I don’t know who you are, I just don’t deal with you because I don’t have time to figure it out. So, be who you really are. If you are not a “mean girl” don’t become one in front of other women who are. If you are not a gossiper, then don’t become one in front of others. If you are any of those things, seek help soon. (hahaha).

analyze-that-di
From the movie “Analyze That” 

I am prepared. Even with fear, anxiety, or what ever emotion moves through me, I am prepared to be me. Unapologetically, nice. Kind. Emotional. Sensitive. Chill. Weird. Artsy. Nerdy. Sexy. Spiritual. Open. Closed. Reserved. Wild. Quiet. And more. Dispensing those sides of me however and whenever I feel comfortable or necessary. I think that harmony with one’s own spirit is a merger that is sometimes out of focus. I hope to become completely in harmony with my spirit. I use to think that meant being a certain way all the time. It doesn’t. It fluctuates sometimes as you learn and are presented with situations to grow. And that, too, is okay. You can always come back to the core of who you REALLY are. You can always refocus or re-center and ground yourself.

~Nikki