Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Walking the Line Between Religion and Freedom

 

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I don’t own the rights to this photo but I wish I owned the rights to this guy in it.

 

Last night I went out with a friend to see Australia’s Thunder from Down Under. And this made me think, I am just kidding, I wasn’t thinking about much of anything at the show except how good looking those men were and how much fun I was having. I screamed the entire evening. Conversation and laughter, food and the flirts from the opposite sex, none of my same race, but thankfully of the human race (same race lol ) was quite refreshing. A bit bewildered as I was definitely rocking my natural zig zaggy coiled red hair. Not society’s definition of good hair or beautiful hair. I decided to post some photos and my whereabouts. Anyone who truly knows me, which are few, know I like to take walks on what I call the wild side. My wild side is pretty tame compared to most I suppose. I have no need to compare though others do. Shrugs.

So, I know that social media is a rumor mill, gossip train, for the small minded and the super religious. In my world, you don’t get to do too many things and still be called a Christian by Christians or by non-Christians. I find that amusing. I know there is a definition and in keeping with a Christ like spirit but, do we blot out and mute our own spirit until we are martyred? Solemn? Sad? Unhappy? Blank slate? Dull? Robots? Mindless Sheep? Then why give so many diverse personalities, life journeys, backgrounds…woosah.  I am 43. I have taken a few intentional journeys since turning 40. And the more I clear my own path I have no need to be called anything by anyone. I have no worries if I will be able to speak at a church, in a church, do work in a church, etc. and etc. The burden of “Oh, if you do that, you may mess up someone else’s walk or you could lead someone else down the wrong path” has been given a TRUE revelation to my eyes.

Hey, I like rules in relations to right and wrong. Do no harm. I don’t think all rules should bend to fit one person’s religion but, society as a whole.  I don’t like being confined. I don’t like being bound. I don’t like others defining me. I like to tell you who I am and what I am about. I think God knows me better than anyone and reveals myself to me throughout life. I am right on the edge of being completely free. I wasn’t happy at the larger nondenominational church I was at but, I was being fed good spiritual food for my soul at that time. I was called back into a time warp the last year to help my home church and I am there now. I am there to assist, plant seeds, serve in and the community, to grow more in patience, grace, and mercy and to eventually leave the church but, never to leave God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit. It’s the only way I’ll be able to live a life of freedom without religious chains. I prefer worship in spirit and in truth.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Suicide, Self Love, Love for Others and The Creator’s Love

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With two people I admire in the world, Kate Spade for her vibrant fashion and Anthony Bourdain for his honesty, adventurous spirit, and good looks, gone through the chosen vehicle of suicide, I had to speak up and out just a little bit louder.

I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say and what I wanted to share. Let me start by saying from experience, depression is hard to live with. From experience, anxiety is hard to live with. From hands on experience with mentally challenged adults, bipolar disorder is very hard to live with. I feel as though people who “just don’t understand” it, don’t want to understand it. They don’t want to take the time to understand it because Google is right at their fingertips for everything else they don’t understand. If they can read, comprehend, then they can understand depression and anxiety. There are different types of depression and anxiety.

I’ve attempted suicide at least three times in my life and I use to think about it all of the time. Society didn’t make it better. Being African American made it worse. Anxiety and Depression is “crazy talk” in my community. We are slowly coming around to understanding that many of us, many African Americans, many people in our family, past and present, lived with untreated depression and anxiety. All because of the stigma that African Americans are strong and we don’t get depressed or have these mental issues that White people have. This is the dialogue I was fed for years. I think to myself, “Right, because slavery alone couldn’t have carried any long term, generational, mental and emotional consequences. And not to add just being a part of the human race alone and living life…nah, we couldn’t possibly show any signs of mental and behavioral disfunction. We made it through slavery, civil rights fights and Jim Crow laws, of course none of that affected any of us. And if we can make it through that how could we have depression and anxiety. Right?” Wrong.

There is so much I could I delve into but, the main things I want to convey is how I stay anchored to this Earth living with depression and anxiety. I went from not knowing I had it, to denying that I had it, to acknowledging I had it but, dealing with it on my own for years to finding a good psychologist that helped me understand depression and anxiety. In the midst of all that I took a journey of self love. A true and growing, deep, deep dive into self love coupled by actions that proved I loved myself that moved beyond manicures, pedicures, and shopping. It involves making choices that reflect my love of self and always remembering that “Self love is self preservation.” Self preservation also involves preserving my peace of mind and body.

Somewhere in this journey I began to understand and to feel God’s love for me. Oh I song it as a child, “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” But, could I feel it? I couldn’t. I couldn’t understand it either. How could God possibly love me and allow all of these bad things to happen to me? It was not until I began to understand love from a Higher Power is different from this earthly love. It wasn’t until I began to make sense out what it is to have life and what is life. I am talking about what makes sense to me and not what others have fed me. I gathered my own information about life from a spiritual perspective and learning hard lessons from my own poor choices and just life experiences. It wasn’t until I started looking for my purpose. It wasn’t until I realized that my perception of life and it’s meaning was personal and universal. It wasn’t until I realized my idea of life will change and broaden. It wasn’t until I had a solid perception of death. It wasn’t until I understood that in order to feel God’s love I had to have a personal and deep relationship with God and that my relationship with God wouldn’t look like the church or others told me it would or should look like. God, the Creator, the Universe, loves me and that love is greater than the love I have for myself and the love that others have or do not have for me. Other’s not having love for me, falling out of love with me, does not give me a right to take my life. My precious life. Nothing, no pain, no tragedy, none of these illusions that make me think I can’t handle it, gives me a right to take my life. Not anymore. I didn’t say I don’t think about it, I said it does not give me a right. I choose life.

But it gives me understanding, why others do.  It gives me compassion for their souls. And I do not see them as weak. I see them as strong, fighting all of this time. I see them as not understanding things as I do or as others do. They are not me. I am not them. We do not, did not, will not, have the same experiences and carry them in the same way. We have other factors that weigh in. It is not my call. It is not my trial to judge. And I don’t do sending people to hell well either for suicide.

All of the love, all of the sadness, all of the inspiration from these two souls, that touched people from all over the world, they couldn’t see it or feel it. They couldn’t see it or feel it from their own friends, associates, and family. I couldn’t either. So, I understand what it’s like to be blind to all that is around you, to walk empty and to smile, to go through life like a robot. I understand how pain and not knowing how to deal with it, manage it, thinking irrationally, can send you to the edge over and over and over. So many things factor in. Too many unseen and unspoken for me to judge.

I anchor myself with love for myself (which includes therapy!), love for others, and love from God. I unhook that anchor sometimes…I get out there in the deep, but love…one or all of these loves bring me back in.

~Nikki

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Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: Single or Miserably Involved?

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The obvious choice is to be single but, if we are to be honest with ourselves we often prolong the inevitable way past a relationship’s expiration date or we delay ending dating/involvement with a person when alarming signs are glaringly red. Why? Is it fear? Is it that some of us are just as miserable alone with ourselves as we are in a relationship (whatever kind of situation-ship you have)? Is it that we are afraid to speak up or afraid to hurt/disappoint the other person? Ourselves? As in, we thought we had it right this time or we could handle it this time? I think all of those are reasons why and I am certain there are many more.

As you may or may not know, I like being as honest as possible about these things because I believe the only way to heal and connect to others is to be honest, not perfect. I was miserable alone at some point in my life as much as I was miserable in relationships because I had NOT understood what it was truly like to love myself and to know myself. I can tell you another time (or just read some of my blogs) about those journeys to get there. However, I have reached a point where being single is not misery but, it does have lonely times. And yet, I stutter, pause, waiver, my anxiety increases, on just when and where to say, “Hey, this is not working for me.” After thoroughly ruling out bull “stuff” reasons I finally arrived at the root of why I lose my nerve and voice with ending this potential fiasco: I don’t want to be the WEAK ONE and I don’t want to be WRONG.

It has nothing to do with being single but, everything to do with admitting to myself and Spirit all along that I was wrong…AGAIN. I KNEW I should have steered clear. And to the other person that seems to be handling our involvement so well, I don’t want to end such a seemingly good thing as being the weak one that couldn’t handle her “feelings.” This is when I realize I have more work to do. What’s wrong with having feelings? NOTHING. However, given the friends and associates I have had in my circle they have made me feel, along with past relationships that having feelings or not being able to handle MISTREATMENT or EMOTIONS was a WEAK thing. Yes, society, relationships, religion and friendships have done a number on us all. Including you. We associate how much you can take of mistreatment with how much you love a person and how STRONG you are. LIES. And I think from the abuser of emotions they tend to think “She or he must really love me because I am doing all of this stuff and they are still there! I guess someday I will stop to show them just how much I love them, too.” Twisted thinking.

So, as I put my BIG GIRL PANTIES on and say, “Hey, I think we should just be cool. This is not working for me” and watch him sail on to the next “all willy nilly” and carefree, I will also be carefree and “all willy nilly” in my emotions again. It’s better than being ignored, dealing with inconsistency, and immaturity in this case.

~Nikki

 

 

 

 

Sunday Morning Coffee Musing: What is “43:The It is Well Within Tour”

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The 43: It is Well Within Tour is a tour of my life, my mind, behind the scenes so to speak. In this social media error we seem to only see the finished product of things. We see the finished product of wisdom on a post. We see the arrival but, what about the journey? What about the grit and the grind or the situations that create the wisdom or the lessons? I am not talking about the polished versions either. I am talking about the moments that led up to the light bulb going off. The moment that profound wisdom is inked into your psyche. The moment light hits the darkness was it tears? Was it shame? Was it anger? Was it guilt? Was it relief?

Well, I want to take a tour of this year as if I am the tour guide and the tourist to journey into wellness within me. I am both the guide and the observer. You see the production. The beautifully wrapped package of a body that smiles (whether forced or not). But what happened that week or that day? We are on tour of the “getting to” of well being within. I hope you can take the tour with me. It’s going to be pretty honest and pretty amazing. 3/31/18-3/31/19

 

“In order to maintain peace and joy within one must take care of the things without and within.” ~Nikki

Turning 43. It is Well Within Me.

Yesterday I turned 43.

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For the past 3 years I have been struggling, wrestling with life and gaining this invaluable wisdom. I often have to create happiness and it doesn’t come easy in the trenches of this journey. However, something about 43 seems promising and that in itself makes me feel effortlessly really, really good about 43. I feel this easy optimism concerning my life. There has always been a light at the end of the tunnel and as I say I am the light in the tunnel. I think I am just closer and I can feel fresh wind. I can breathe fresh air. Soon, I will have a 360 degree view of a better life and more work to do as I build something new.

And what I also feel about 43 is the fullness of the responsibility and freedom of this is my life. I choose. You don’t choose. My religion doesn’t choose. I choose. I get to boldly live it. I get to boldly do it. Psalms 43 talks about a vindication by God. I am feeling I just may very well be vindicated by God and if I can be vindicated by God then what would I need with anyone’s approval? Whew….

43. This odd number. This oddly refreshing stage. This reset. This work of manifest destiny. This optimism. This love by design and choice. This freestyle. This get all back and make some more. This nope, I don’t want that. This nope, I don’t want to do that. This nope, I change my mind. This yes, above all things I prosper and be in peace.

I call 43-“The Journey is Well Within.” Enough soul work has been done so that I might LIVE peacefully among myself. Yet, until we leave this realm there will be more to do.

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~Nikki

The Liberation Journey: Transitioning to Levels of Freedom

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From the Nicole that life had shaped, to my AUTHENTIC SELF, to this current LIBERATED JOURNEY so that I can be LEGENDARY, I can truly say you will be looked at strangely and misunderstood and not understood at all. If you take this journey or are living this journey you will be called weird and funny acting. My now Authentic self cares nothing about that! Once you are free, you are FREE INDEED. The Son sets you free, you set yourself free, or however you become free it is liberating to the soul. I believe there are different levels of freedom happening in our lives. Sometimes you have to free yourself. Sometimes you need help from a Higher Power and for ME that is God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and Angels.  Sometimes it is just granted to you. Boom! You are free!

You are so free you will not let anyone deter you. You are so free, if it threatens your peace and love for yourself you will let go even if it hurts. You are so free, you only have time to help others and not to tear them down.

~Nikki