Notebook entry 4-18-25
I am in the in between. I am uncertain and I am waiting to be filled. I don’t know what I am going to be filled with. I don’t know if I have a choice or where it’s going to come from.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” -Victor Frankl
Today’s thought about this entry?
I have a choice of most of what I want to be filled with and then there are somethings I won’t know I was filled until later on in life at the appropriate time. You have heard someone say or maybe you have said it, “Wow. I didn’t know I had that in me.” Yeah, one of those times. But in the space of stimulus and response of these tryings time and my personal trying times, we do have a choice of what we will be filled with. We do have a choice of our response that will give us growth and freedom or stunted growth and imprisonment.
I also have the power to remove what I don’t want to be filled with. Let’s say last night I was filled with frustration (because I was). I was filled with anger and resentment. Why? Because I had dealt with my dad who has Parkinson’s 3 falls in 4 days, prior to that, two weeks of him forgetting his meds or taking too much. And while he was in the hospital as a result of falls, (he has some broken ribs), I was the one advocating for him 95% of the time while dealing with the dysfunction of my mother. I also, was beyond concerned and feeling the trauma of what happened the last time he was in the hospital. He had delusions and hallucinations and it was new to us and so bad I had to be there at night. He did have them this time but because I knew what worked, it wasn’t as bad.
So, as I was filled with all of the anger, resentment, frustration, and being deprived of quality sleep for the last several nights, I have a choice this morning. I wasn’t just feeling these things, they were filling me. I could let them remain and just go on being bitter. After all, I do have a right to feel these things and feelings are my indicators as to what I need or warnings. I don’t deny them. It’s natural. But to let them fester inside me will eventually make me a bitter, cynical, “bat”.
I’ll hate everything and everyone that is free from caregiving and living their lives. Because I wish it were me! I wish I was free like that! Because I miss my freedom. And this how people are that hate other people for whatever reason. It’s mostly because they wish they would have made better choices. They wish they were chosen. They wish they had a different life. When you are truly happy with your life, you don’t hate rich people simply because they have more money than you and they can take trips and have numerous cars. You don’t hate the person because they are on welfare and receive stamps. You may not want to be on any of that but, you wish you could some free food and free or low rent because you are tired of working or you hate where you work. You think it’s unfair when it’s really unfortunate for them. You don’t know their story and you are so crass you probably don’t care.
Anyway, I choose to remove the frustration, the anger, the resentment and put it outside of me. I can’t explain it. It’s there. I feel it. But I cannot let it get on the inside of my heart, mind, soul. Those feelings are telling me something. My response to the stimuli of caregiving in the space, in the gap, is to get some quality rest. It’s to be grateful for the night time caregiver that will have the next 3 nights. My response is to be in nature. My response is to find a better way because I cannot do the majority of this much longer.
~Nikki
Annie are you okay is a reference to Michael Jackson’s song “Smooth Criminal”. They were waiting on a response from Annie.
[Refrain]
You’ve been hit by—
You’ve been hit by—
A smooth criminal
Ow!
Nikki's Confetti Life 