I’m from a small church and they would sing songs about “God seeing you through” and I never really thought about as an adult. It’s just something you seem to understand as you get older that God sees you through things. It means that when you are going through some tough times, until you reach the other side, God is with you. It’s God in the middle of your storm or battle.

It’s easier, slightly at times, for me to KNOW if I don’t SEE God in the middle of what I am going through. However, when it is in times of a mental health crisis such as high anxiety or dark depression, I have a very difficult time seeing and knowing that God is SEEING me through. When I am experiencing high anxiety or dark depression, or like yesterday both, I want God to come in and rescue me right away. NOW. IMMEDIATELY.

I want God to make it better quick, fast, and in a hurry because I have things I want to do with my day. I have things I have to do and I don’t want to do them with the weight of anxiety and depression. I don’t want to do them listening to scripture or prayers or worship. I just want to do them. I don’t want to do them in silence because everything I just mentioning is only making things worse because the feeling isn’t going away quick enough. Or imagine the moment I realize this is “chemical imbalance” and there is nothing I did perse, it can frustrate me more because I know I need to surrender my day and my plans and do the best I can. I must simply survive the day or evening.

Yesterday, God seemed quiet. But as I look back this morning I realize two things: Quiet doesn’t mean God is absent and there were whispers. There were whispers in the therapy session I had that morning. There were whispers in the message I listened to before therapy. There were whispers in the instrumental music I listened to. There were whispers in the yoga I did for stress relief. There was a whisper when I decided to take an anxiety med and my sleep med later on that night. There was a whisper when I finally stopped pushing, grabbed a blanket, and turned on Blue Bloods (one of my favorite shows). That whisper was surrender and just be. God was seeing me through.

~Nikki