This morning I woke up with an unknown feeling or mood. I woke up trying to figure out how I felt. I did not sleep well. Many dreams that where some made sense and others didn’t. I fell asleep without my cpap on. I count that as a contributing factor. I also was hot and cold throughout the night but I did not want to get up to get the small fan. You know for us in the U.S. it’s a transition into autumn. I wasn’t foggy so to speak but, I just didn’t know what I was feeling and I didn’t know if I wanted to do my normal morning routine or if I needed something else. The more I tried to figure it out the more frustrated I became. So, I stopped.
Let’s (talking to myself) just sit here with a cup of coffee and let’s listen to a guided meditation because there is just to much chatter in my head. I came across a meditation about uncertainty and that is exactly what I was feeling. I was uncertain about what I was feeling, why, how to proceed and if I would be with this feeling all day. I wondered would it turn into anxiety or depression or both. As I stopped and full engaged in this meditation of uncertainty, she said “uncertainty has a gift and that gift is the gift that helps grows trust in God/Jesus”. I wish you could have heard my thoughts and felt my discomfort up until this point of the medistation. I was uncomfortable and I wanted to open my eyes, sip my coffee, and my body was still in that muddy state. What kind of gift would uncertainty, the unknown, the “X-factor” have? I don’t care because I don’t want to walk with uncertainty today or another minute if at all possible.
Oh, so, uncertainty is sitting and walking besides me, if I choose to allow her to, to help grow my trust. Thanks. I guess. This is the type of attitude I could have chosen but I didn’t. I know I have been challenged in trusting “God and life and that all will work out” and the challenge has been to trust on a deeper level. Well, people who trust God or trust that things will work out are rarely born that way. Usually, they reach a point through trials, tests, tribulations also know as life. They come to trust with certainty that things will be okay even if things don’t turn out the way they expected. They know they will get through it and come out to sunshine again. And yes, there is something I am deeply concerned about. Something I waiver about as I try to establish my faith and trust that it will work out. So, today as I type this post, uncertainty is still lingering and I am telling myself, “Uncertainty is giving me the gift of growing my trust. Thank you uncertainty. Thank you.”
~Nikki
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