It’s the first Sunday in July and I am writing this from a very busy, very challenging (mentally and physically) week. I do not feel as if I have gotten all of the rest I needed. But, I had a therapy session this week and one thing we discussed was me carving out time for myself, my life, my things. It’s something I heard in the “whispers” of vacation. One thing I am ready to do is to carve out uninterrupted writing and research time. What this looks like is 15-30 minutes of writing time starting out 2 days this week.

I have felt as if I haven’t done anything this year. I don’t see any progress or very little progress as far as my goals. However, I realized I have been uninspired, unmotivated, as if there is a creative blockage. And it is. It’s grief. It’s caregiving. And I forget that. I forget this is what is dominating my life. Yet, I get tiny sparks here and there of creativity. I also have to remind myself I am actively working through all of this. It is work. And I am growing. I am changing. Heck, recently, I have been feeling like there are some things, some ideas, some goals I don’t want anymore and they are being released or replaced. It hasn’t all settled yet. So, once again, my patience is called upon.

I am changing. I guess it’s true grief changes you. Caregiving changes you. But how it changes you is up to you. I will not let it take me away from me. I also understand I am not only changing because of those two things. No, I am changing because this is a new book. 50 is not another chapter for me. A series has ended. This is a development in my evolution. This is some sort of culmination of the last 4 years of my life. It’s a blank canvas, a blank notebook. It’s building something I have never seen before. I don’t know the blueprint. I don’t know the materials needed. I don’t know how long this takes. I don’t know what’s going on but, I don’t feel afraid. And that is, different.

~Nikki