You can do anything you want, anytime you want. You don’t have to wait for a special day or date or year. However, even the Bible tells me there is a time and a season for everything. Yes. You can wear a coat on the first day of winter just because it’s the first day of winter. But if it is 80 degrees on the first day, I doubt a coat would be useful. Life is about timing and eternity. You know this is true. People have come to you at the wrong time. You have come to people at the wrong time. There has also been right timing in your life.
I have done alot of my living out of fear, from the head, out of shame, guilt and out of order. Religion has been used as a weapon and punishment at times. My relationship with God has remained and grown through it all. I have carried so much that even when I get rid of it, there is more drudge in my spirit and soul. How will I ever cleanse it for good? How will I ever be free in this world? Why should I wait until I get to heaven to be free and what is it that I want to be free from? What things and people do I continuously say yes to when I want to say no? And then when I say no, I feel bad. Why should I feel bad? Shouldn’t I feel good?
Yet, I know my God will continue to make adjustments to meet me in my fears and confusion. God keeps giving me strength and wisdom and knowledge to “deal” and “navigate” when I go against my true desire. I know I am unaligned in areas that really matter the most. This should have been a time of rest and reset, aligning. It has not been. It has been a time of pushing and pulling my body, mind, spirit all over the place. To church (8 years I have been unhappy religiously speaking), to events as a vendor, to family events I go and I do. I have been sitting in places and spaces that I don’t want to be in with energy I can’t stand. It has been a lifetime. Imagine my surprise when asked to think of a time where I felt good about myself and things were going well and I woke up excited and I could not recall a time. I searched and searched my memory bank. Maybe it was before I knew the environment I was living in. I had yet to be exposed to the duality of living under the same roof with two different parents. How would I know the long term effects and the undoing I would have to do afterwards and on top of all of the choices I made in my life where the majority were made out of some place of insufficiency?
Could this be my “I just want to be happy” (something I have been saying since my teens) turning into “I want to live my life with gusto”? And finally coming into awareness that to live a life of gusto is to first be able to take the drudgery of things and transmute them. Today, I burned a piece of paper that had things that made me feel sick to my stomach and soul as my lovely morning was entangled with an argument. I promise myself over and over to not engage with a narcissist but I do. I think today is the day I am finally free. I want to believe it.
I don’t want to be around certain people and you would say, well, dont. But if I tell you I have to work then you will give me a solution. If I tell you they are in my family and they are close family, you will preach me a sermon or tell me, “Oh, well. Nothing you can do about that.” I wonder why family changes the dynamics of how we deal with people? I ponder if family means take abuse, take mistreatment, take the drama, take the pain and smile and show up with your lasagna to functions and just grin and bear the dysfunction. INHALE right here. EXHALE.
I take back my mind today. I take back my peace today. I take back my time. I forgive myself for getting involved with that which disturbs my peace. And today, a powerfully, energetic day, I look at what it is and who it is I keep saying YES to when I really want to say NO. Because saying YES isn’t serving my spirit or soul, my mind or my body, my life purposes.
~Nikki
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