Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: Waiting for Heartbreak

The dull pain of the death of father is becoming something that I feel more and more. Sharper and sharper. Not everyday but suddenly here and there. I know it’s going to be bad when my heart finally shatters or cracks wide open. Maybe, both.

The Homegoing Celebration was yesterday. It was beautiful. I did the eulogy and they tell me, my dad would be so proud of me. I hope. I know so. They tell me I received a standing ovation. I did not see it. They tell me I must have had so much strength or that God was with me to give me the strength. It was God. And yes, it was strength that I had from going through so much in life, even caregiving, but, it was God that empowered me by way of the Holy Spirit. I know it seems “wrong” to say I was strong when it comes to doing anything spiritual in the Christian religion. But it is simply, not by my own might, which means I have to have some might. Some strength. But my strength alone was not enough to carry me to and through that moment. At one point, before I stood up to speak, I started to overthink but before I could get too far, I heard my dad say, “Just be yourself Nicole”.

So, I will try not to be so anxious about “when” I feel it all or fall apart. It is not going to do me any good. I am not in control of that. It’s just I am realizing I no longer have the person who has loved me unconditionally on this earth.

~Nikki