Birthday Week Vibes: Leaning Into The Fog

My daughter and my birthday are three days apart. We both have been struggling with not having the “feeling” of excitement we normally have in celebrating our born days. When she verbalized this yesterday, which was her birthday, I told her what I’d already accepted last week. “I don’t know why I don’t feel the excitement but, instead of resisting it, overriding it, I decided to lean into it.” I stopped trying to figure out why the fog has arrived. I stopped trying to gain clarity in a way that takes away the fog. We think clarity means being able to see everything and that is not necessarily true.

If clarity was a day, we would imagine it to be clear blue skies, sunny, and pleasant weather. We may hear birds chirping. Clarity might be the perfect day at the beach. But clarity, can be a cloudy day. Clarity can be a rainy, stormy day. It can be a blizzard. It can be fog. And in these visualizations of clarity, all you need to do is take the next best step. I don’t need to see everything, I only need to see the next step. Maybe I need to grab my umbrella and a rain coat. I can’t stop the rain or the storm. Maybe all I need to do is turn my high beams on or just take the next step in the fog. Slow down, move without intensity but with intentionality and honor what I feel instead of what I think I should feel. Do what I am being led to do, instead of forcing myself to do what is expected.

A girl’s evening out is on my calendar with a few associates, friends, and family. And then we go home. A nice, fancy dinner with a small group of family and friends. And then we go home. I DO want cocktails and laughter. I DO want to put on a fancy dress and have a really great meal. But I have no desire to do more with a crowd than that. Everything else is for me. Alone. Solo. On a budget. (Okay, maybe a tiny splurge. But a girl has adult responsibilities that require finances!). And I do want a good “hunk” of birthday cake and champagne. I feel the way I feel and I don’t need to figure it out right now. I just need to go with it. Lean into it.

~Nikki