It’s been brought to my attention through self awareness that my nervous system is on high alert and it never really has a chance to turn off completely. Resetting or regulating the nervous system or the vagus nerve is something we as human beings normally do through sleep and resting, deep prayer and meditation. Yoga and Tai Chi have played a roll in doing this I would say in this age and modern times. At least, in the Western world. But, I seem to be on high alert now more than ever as caregiving obligations have increased and my brother Bobby passed away this year. As many of you know, we were the main ones helping with the care of my dad with Parkinson’s and dealing with my mom. We helped with the parents the most and it was ALWAYS something. And it continues to be ALWAYS something.

My phone rings all throughout the day and night. I always think, WHAT’S WRONG NOW!!!!???!!!! I can barely have a moment of peace or uninterrupted time to myself. I have been working on these issues in therapy. I noticed when I reset my nervous system or when I am having a good day it doesn’t take much to “ruin” it or send me up in flames. I do know this is too much for me. I do know I need help. But you wouldn’t believe what is holding back the help needed for my father. Or, should I say who?

Anyway, staying on topic here. I had a good day Saturday and it went up in flames pretty quick that evening. I literally had a meltdown. I had to write and study for a sermon that I “taught” today. Although I managed to get it done last night, I had the worst sleep Saturday night. Today, the message went well and I had a massage scheduled this evening. Right before the massage, you guessed it. I had to go over to my parents because no one else was coming. They all were busy. I got back to my house and the masseuse was pulling up. It was the best massage I’d had in forever and it was gifted to me. However, I pondered this evening on HOW TO GET MY LIFE BACK? How can I save myself? Heal my nervous system? Come off high alert? It’s not sustainable.

It came to me, and I think this is just another piece to the puzzle, draw new boundaries and give new consequences. Another thing I wanted to happen this year was to have a massage every other month. I have only had two and that includes the one I had today. I feel changes are about to take place and I hope help for me is on the way. I hope God will move around the obstacle standing in my way and in my dad’s way.

I feel as though I have been fighting for my life but what I realized this week is I am fighting for the VITALITY of my life. I feel like I am living but not alive. I feel like I am just here and the “light/life” in me has been slowly seeping out.

~Nikki