During my birthday month, March, I was led to spend 15 minutes of silence in the morning for 18 days. I could read or just listen or talk with God. I must say it was challenging the first few days because I didn’t know what exactly I was supposed to be doing or learning. I pray in the mornings when I wake up and give thanks. I now see this was more of a concentrated, intentional, consecrated time alone with God. It was meant to be a practice and habit forming. I poured coffee and sat there. I will share some of what I received.
It was brought to my attention on day 1 that I still have trust issues with God. I woke up that morning and I heard, “God cares about you.” So, I said it to myself, “God cares about me.” Say it 18 times for the next 18 days when you first wake up. This is when I got the rest of the instructions I mentioned above. I had my notebook of wisdom (this is where I jot down inspiration) and I sat in the chair by the window. This is what poured out:
“So many people think I don’t care about them but, I do. They blame me for the things they can’t control, things that happen to them. They blame me for things they can control. They blame me because they don’t understand life. There are ways to understand life that are simple.”
I wrote my response to this:
Sometimes when things happen to me or things don’t go the way I think they should, when I don’t have any help, the first thing that comes to my mind is, “No one cares about me.” I say this when I feel lonely, too. This “no one” includes God. I use to say God doesn’t care about me. I have had the thought that God doesn’t care and No one cares growing up into my young adulthood. I stopped saying that once I developed a relationship with God. However, when I presently think or say, “No one cares about me”, God is secretly included sometimes. As if God doesn’t know when I mean him/her, too. I knew this was why it was being presented to me. Although I don’t say it often, from time to time, I will say or think, NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME.
But how can God love me and not care about me? God is telling me; I believe exactly that and that is contradiction. There’s no conflict in God. There are no conflicting thoughts, feelings, or emotions.
END OF EXCERPT
God cares about me. It really doesn’t matter what happened to me, what is happening, what will happen, God cares about me. It doesn’t matter what’s in my bank account, if my dreams come true, if the love of my life shows up, if I don’t have any help sometimes, God cares about me. Heartaches and heartbreaks, God cares about me. It didn’t go my way or I am in excruciating pain and I have no one to call on, God cares about me. I have gotten through every low moment in my life. God cares about me.
3 thoughts on “Excerpts from my Coffee with God Time: I Don’t Fully Trust God”
There’s this song called History by Anthony Brown that I’ve had on repeat for some time. The premise of the song is to remember what God has done for your yesterday so that you can trust that He has your today, and then you can believe in Him for tomorrow. Your post highlights this song for me once again. It doesn’t matter what I’m going through or what things look like. I know that God is there and that He has me. Stay blessed sister!!
I will have to listen to that song!