This morning a dramatic dream woke me up and that is how I began my day. It was a dream that my father and I, and my daughter were living in my home. His face was full (back in his healthier days) and I remember a green long sleeve pajama like shirt he had on. It was some sort of holiday. Maybe the 4th of July as you will understand why I say that shortly. He was moving about the kitchen and his room (he never stayed with me) and my daughter and I were in the family room watching TV. I said to her, “We might as well get up and get ready for the day.” I went to my room and found a red and white dress I usually where on the 4th of July but it had bleach spots. I recall saying, “Oh no! What happened to my dress?” I say some other clothes with bleach marks. And then I looked up to see my dad go down the hall to the kitchen and I said, “No. Something isn’t right. This isn’t real. This isn’t REAL! WAKE ME UP!!!! WAKE ME UP!!!!” My daughter came into my room who seem to be about 12 years old in this dream, and she looked at me and I at her and I screamed, “WAKE ME UP!!!! WAKE ME UP!!!!!” I started to wail and she put her hand on my right shoulder and gently shook me.
When I woke up, I was in disarray. I felt horrible! I felt afraid! I laid there for a minute and I silently said to myself, “I don’t want to feel this all day. I have got to get rid of this grief. I don’t want to feel this.” I didn’t know what to do or think after getting up and making coffee. I just sat in the chair for a few minutes. I looked up scriptures for grief and “God is near the the brokenhearted” came up. I did a meditation for grief and it mentioned this scripture again. The meditation also said this, “You don’t get rid of grief. You meet grief where it is.” Well, I guess I wouldn’t be getting rid of it or pushing it down or to the side this morning or maybe this day. But I take some comfort to know that God is meeting me in my grief. Like a parent meets a startled child who is waking up from a bad dream. I also listened to a sermon, “The Gift of Grief” and boy did it hit the marks of the same scripture and more. The speaker, Lisa Harper, also talked about a day she had on the 4th of July one year. It was a day and week of hard hitting grief and calamities. Broken hearted.
I don’t know what else to say except, I never wanted to wake up with grief this morning and I don’t want it lingering in the background, following me throughout today. I have things to do and grief makes it harder to do those things. I guess it’s me, grief, and God today and I find some comfort in that. It is okay to be sad but I do not want to be sad today. So, I will do the best I can and if tears come, they come. I kind of hope they do.
“And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” Revelation 21:4
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