Sunday Morning Coffee Musings: A Silent Retreat for A Silent Return

On Saturday for Mother’s Day I went away to join other mothers for a Mini Silent Retreat. I went with the intention of letting whatever was suppose to happen, happen. I secretly didn’t want to think about grief. But, intuitively I knew it probably would show up. If I had any doubts on my way to the retreat the podcast I was listening to about How to Enjoy Your Life More kept going to a podcast about How to Manage Grief by Arthur Brooks. My phone was near my book bag and when I would hit a bump or turn it would change. Out of frustration of trying to get my phone as I was driving, I got the hint I should listen and left it there.

At the retreat I gained so much more insight to myself and why I didn’t want to deal with grief. None of this came from the group leader because this was silent time. The main reason I don’t want to deal with or face grief is because I think when I really feel it I might crack open and never be able to be put back together. What if I shatter into thousands of pieces and I am not put back together the same? Another reason I don’t want to deal with grief is because it’s going to hurt. And that is why I want to “hurry up and get it over with”. I want to hurt or be depressed one good time and that’s it. Poof. Grief be gone.

Learning and knowing grief can take six months to a year for me to get better and feel better is not comforting. And knowing that it may take longer than that certainly puts a damper on my plan to “hurry up and get it over with”. And all of this is about my need to control so that I can be comfortable and feel safe. But here is one of the takeaways, the body can only begin the process of healing or grieving when I feel safe to be vulnerable and when I decide to let go of trying to control when I am going feel it all and how many times. I cannot predict any of this. Therefore, I must let go of it all but engage in what I can control. I can choose the methods, the therapy, the responses to my feelings. I can do the work and receive the help. I can simply be aware of why I am feeling whatever I am feeling and know that it is okay and acceptable.

I got so much from the mini silent retreat I will share some in later blogs. I hope your Mother’s Day was good if you are a mom or did something with/for your mom if she is still in this realm.

~Nikki