Is your mind full of different thoughts as the calendar year comes to an end? No? Very good. Yes? You are not alone. I have thoughts and questions about this year and I have more questions than I do thoughts about what will next year bring. If you are here with these thoughts and questions, let me say this; “It’s okay. It’s natural for so many.” Even if it not a collage of thoughts. It could be ever so often you start to reflect on this year. You ponder your decisions, responses, actions and reactions. You attempt to piece together a picture or vision of the future.

I am tender in some areas of my life with the year I have had. I am worn down to the nub. I think I no longer am approaching burnout or almost burned out. I am. I admit it. I felt so much peace when I was on vacation and this week it has been a continuation of rest and peace for the most part. It is because my dad is still in the hospital. Of course, I don’t want him to be there. The reality is, I don’t have the huge responsibility of caring for him. And I don’t have the huge burden of the relationship of my parents creating hell and chaos. I’ve had to put aside the guilt of enjoying this time. There is no need for it. It’s a gift not guilt and I should appreciate this lull in caregiving. And I do. Unapologetically. I didn’t create it. It happened and here we are. Guilt will only weigh me down and immobilize me. It will only make me feel bad about something I can’t control or couldn’t control. I may as well rest. I may as well enjoy the time I have because it won’t last. I visit my dad daily.

So, as these thoughts and questions seem to either come here and there or ambush us, I have been reminding myself of these things:

It’s just winter slowing down and my mind catching up.

It’s what the brain does when we slow down physically. It processes the unprocessed things, situations, conversations, emotions. The unfinished business of life if you will.

The brain is taking inventory.

It’s the trained response of society to hurry up and get things done because the new year is coming. I tell my emotions, “Hold up. Don’t run with the crowd or the crowd of thoughts.” Stand there. There is nothing chasing you into the frenzy of the new year. You, Nikki, are on the new year of the season calendar more so than the Gregorian calendar. Yes, it’s a new year coming with numbers. But the new year according to the season begins in Spring. Pipe down Nicole.

I have found that writing my thoughts down as they come and doing NOTHING about them right now helps tremendously. I have a sheet of paper and I just write the thoughts. If I don’t have my paper and pen, I write it or record myself with my phone. And when I am ready to reflect this winter and to plan, I will gather them all. Sometimes I can look at my paper and say, “Oh. I already wrote that down. You don’t have to come back (talking to the thought or feeling or question), I will address you later.

I hope you find this post helpful.

Love, Nikki