This easily could have been one of my Sunday Coffee Musings blog post but, I felt like waiting to next Sunday to post this wouldn’t be helpful to others who may be feeling what I am feeling or have been feeling the past week or so. After journaling the past week and Sunday morning, I realize these are the energies I talked about in this past two Sunday Coffee Musings. The year is asking many questions and giving very little answers. The year is filled with transition, transformation, evolution and much more. And all I want to do is to stabilize. I realized I have given the answer to these times of uncertainty and instability is to mostly ground yourself and to take care of yourself. What that actually looks like may take some thought, research, and experimenting on your part. Stay hydrated is and eat well is for all of us.

The phrase “up in the air” is what I would like to use to describe how my body and mind feels. I would say, my mind feels scattered and all over the place. And that affects my mood, body, and actions. I don’t want to do what I don’t want to do. This is a certainty. I don’t want responsibility for anyone. This is another thing that rings true. Why? I have had too much of both. It sounds like burnout is circling around my body like a vulture. Or I am walking on a log and hot lava is beneath me. “Steady. Steady.” I tell myself. But it’s been “steady, steady” for to long. Get me off this log! Indecisiveness has manifested along with the guilt of saying no. Oh, and did I tell you I found out there are different types of decision makers and indecisiveness? Yeah. There is.

But, the point of this post is to tell you Sunday I decided I didn’t want to do anything I didn’t want to do and I did not want to be responsible for other people. I also had a thought that maybe I have had too much spiritual. WOW. I know. But think about it like if you were a tech and you taught tech class 5 days a week and on the weekend, one of those days, you did a podcast or if you weren’t doing a podcast you were doing a lecture somewhere. And people are calling you all of the time with tech questions on your days off and after you clock out. As much as you love it, there comes a time when you need some distance. A break. A vacation. A sabbatical. We need these things more often. So Sunday, I didn’t to go church and I didn’t listen online. I decided not to feel guilty about it and to not feel guilty about not going to church to help out when called this morning. Why? Because I would usually override what I want to do for what others needed me to do. It’s okay to “push yourself” sometimes. But when you do it like it’s a part of who you are, you have a problem. You start to blur the lines between what you need or want and what others need or want.

And then you will have outbursts like, “WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!!!! WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT?!!!!!! DOES ANYONE CARE ABOUT ME???? AND WHAT I WANT? NEED?” And then you lash out. And then you feel bad. And then you ask for forgiveness or say you are sorry for your funky attitude to people who rarely think of you and your needs. Well, MAKE YOUR NEEDS KNOWN. MAKE YOUR WANTS KNOWN. And take care of them and you whether no one does or not. And take note of WHY you overextend, don’t say no, or do it yourself for people who are very capable of doing it for themselves or asking others. Leave people to their own divisiness if they are sane adults. People can for the most part take care of themselves and figure it out for themselves. Just like you. You are not their GOD or SAVIOUR. You are not the FIXER of all things just because you are good at mending. You don’t have to lead everywhere, everyone, all the time. Let people get lost. Let people lead themselves.

Now, I am a caregiver but, I don’t do everything for the people I care for. Oh, I do a lot! I was and I still overdo it. And then I get upset and frustrated because I have very little help. But, I am learning to prepare them for days like this. A Simple Sunday. A weekend without calling me other than to check on me or if it’s almost a 9-1-1 situation. I am doing these things better. I absolutely need time for me and my life purpose(s) and my soul mission. I absolutely need to be bored and to go off on adventures without interruptions that can wait.

So, what is going on with me, and may be going on with some of you is, this is a time of balancing out energies and the culmination of those energies in the last 9 months. Guess what? We need to make space for that. It feels like chaos. It smells like defeat. It is confusing. It’s looking for something but you don’t know what. It’s wanting something other than peace. You want it to make sense. And it can’t make total sense right now because it is being emptied and sorted. Make space for this to happen. Be still. And don’t know. And be okay with not knowing. Be okay with weird feelings and past experiences popping up out of the blue. Ground yourself and take care of yourself.

So, on this Sunday (you will be reading this on Tuesday 9/30), I’ll be taking care of myself. I will be feeding myself healthy food and baking cookies and doing much of nothing. I will stand in the grass barefoot and look into the sky or close my eyes and drift. I will watch a movie or two. I will play my Sims game. I will not read. I will not research. I will surf the couch instead of the web. I will watch football. I will not answer my phone or respond to text. If it’s the people I take care of, the conversation will be short. I will not engage with bad behavior. “Call me back when you settle down or just call me back tomorrow.”

I hope this has helped someone to understand and how to stand in the chaos of the emptying and sorting until it becomes clearer. Then we will go from there. Or at least know you are not alone out there! Wherever you are! Whomever you are!

~Nikki