It may or may not be news to you but, I have struggled trusting God in the area of relationships. I’m just here to tell you, the struggle continues. As I was talking to my spiritual mom, she asked, “Why won’t you let go? What is it that you fear?” At that moment I could have said, “I don’t know” but, I did know and I didn’t want to lie and it was time to get it out of my head and heart and to say it aloud. I have written it. I have said it aloud before. But this time it wasn’t just the basic, ” I don’t trust God in the area of relationships” but more of addressing the issues around the mistrust.

I don’t want to let go because I fear God will say, “Thanks for putting this relationship issue in my hands. Now let me throw it away just like I did the rest of them that were not good for you and were not of me.” You’d think I’d be happy because shouldn’t we be happy in retrospect when some relationships didn’t work out? Yes, and maybe and no. There is a whole process before retrospect and I am not in retrospect right now (I laugh at that). I fear feeling disappointment. I fear feeling hurt. I fear feeling stupid. I fear feeling hopeless. I fear failure, again.

I somehow think if I don’t totally let go (or not let go at all, vacillating) I can control what may or may not happen. If I don’t trust God, maybe I can get better results because God hasn’t been giving me the results I’ve desired.

Boy, won’t this therapy session on Monday be interesting to say the least?

~Nikki