Grief Firsts.

I was feeling moody yesterday. Moody mentally and I wasn’t feeling well overall. I know at my last check up after salmonella poisoning, my doctor said I had “questionably” high calcium levels. So, I have laid off the vitamin D. Yet, I have been feeling a drop in my already mid to low energy. It seems as if it drops off drastically in the evening. More than usual.

Anyway, my Mom is out of town and usually I take care of my Dad even more when she is not there. I was (almost wrote I am) the fulltime caregiver. In the beginning it was just calling and going over a few days to check up on him or bring food. This increased over 5 years and the last two years were the worst. And in 2025 my equal helper in caregiving, my brother Bobby, passed unexpectedly. I realize I have nothing I should be doing this week as far as he is concerned. I have no need to sleep over the entire time she is out of town. I have no need to fix his breakfast and coffee and tell him, “You cannot have a croissant sandwich and a big bowl of cereal for breakfast, Dad. Too many carbs raises you blood sugar.” But I want to do all of those things. I feel like I should be doing something other than looking after the house. I keep thinking I should be over there and he should be there.

I go over and “turn down” the house for the evening. His door was shut the first day I went over and I opened it. It needed to be open. As I sat on my porch this morning with this realization, a young woodpecker descended onto my maple tree. I said, “You’ve got the wrong tree. You want the one in the back. It has the bugs.” He pecked around a few branches and flew away. I looked up the spiritual meaning of a “young” woodpecker. And this is what I found:

It spoke of new beginnings (also today is the 8th) and finding a new rhythm in life. Encountering a juvenile or young woodpecker shifts the energy toward growth, learning, and the clumsy early stages of mastering your own skills.

I find this to be close to what I am experiencing in this new world without my Dad. I do feel awkward and clumsy. Bumping into memories. My brain trying to do something I no longer need to do because it has it in its memory bank that I take care of my Dad. There is a new rhythm and I am offbeat. I know I will eventually find my way. I just have to rest and keep going. That is a rhythm of its own.

~Nikki