What lies behind or underneath my agitation? I looked up what causes agitation from a reliable source. I have discovered there is not enough space for me to decompress, to process, to come off heighten alert. I can’t fly away, run away, uber away or teleport to a beach for a month. So, what can I do? Self care is not enough. I need radical self care. I don’t know what all of that entails but, I am beginning with blocking off time and days for me. I remember doing this last year.

I have decided to create time slots and even whole days or weekends when I am not available for anyone or anything I don’t want to do. When I get off from caregiving at night 7am and home by 7:30am, I don’t want to be called at 7:32am about something that can be asked later or figured out without me. I sat down today and figured out a system that works for me and mostly everyone. I can’t do it all and I don’t want to. As I type this my nervous system is uneasy. I am going to do my best to settle it down. I think my health and sanity depends on it. I keep feeling like I am going to lose my shit and if I do, I don’t know what will happen. I don’t know what that will look like. I don’t want to have to clean that up.

~Nikki